To think there is no other way out and this is ok

[BlastedPimples]

Getting divorced after a 19 year marriage.

I am a Sahm but worked on and off throughout marriage. No big career at all despite being educated to masters level. Also got lodgers in and did dog sitting to bring in money around the children. Was a sahm on good faith, agreement with stbx.

Stbx is violent, verbally and financially abusive. Also adulterous. Incredibly dishonest man. A really shit person. 4 Dcs don't want to see him. I certainly hope never to have to see him again.

So divorce has not gone through yet. He is being evasive over money and incomplete Form E. Clearly hiding how he's spent huge sums of money over the years. Clearly wants to leave me with very little. He will manage to do that because he's very sly and vindictive. Also I fully expect to be punished for not having worked regularly h throughout the marriage.

Those of you who say, "Well you were stupid enough not to have worked throughout marriage," please don't bother to post on this thread. Lecturing after an event is pretty pointless. You have no idea what it's like being in an abusive relationship. And comments like that do not help one bit.

So my youngest is 10. I have to find a job in my fifties. Fine fine but it'll be for pennies. I will spend the rest of my life scrabbling about for money. No home of my own. Mortgage free family home was sold off three years ago and that money has vanished. So how I will pay rent in my old age I have no idea.

I am full of fear and anxiety and it's relentless. It's like the darkness of my ex but for different reasons. My dcs have been struggling psychologically too but with a calm, steady home life with no dramas and help from psychologists, they seem to be learning that life doesn't have to be full of hysterics and trauma because of their father. They are getting through the mess.

However, I have now found great relief in thinking that when my 10 year old has graduated and established himself in a career, like my other dcs hopefully will have, I will simply and quietly kill myself. The escape from all this misery is so very appealing. I'd do it now if I could. There is no way out. How can I improve my lot in my fifties? I have no idea. No hope. No spirit left. No optimism. I am a Useless lump. And even if I weren't useless, I have found no employment door opening to me despite trying for six months.

I don't want to be a financial burden for the dcs or anyone in my sixties. I don't have anywhere near enough NI contributions for a pension. No home other than the rented house we live in now. I simply can't see a way out to make life okay again. If my dcs are all settled, with careers and maybe even married with kids of their own then my work is done.

This is not meant to be self pitying. I'm looking for a solution and if there is one less person that needs a financial solution then so much the better.

I don't live in the UK but divorce is being done in UK as that is where we married and where ex is living now. We want to stay in a different country to him to be safe.

I cannot see how I will survive and cannot bear the thought of being a homeless old lady.

I'm not even angry about having had all our financial security squandered by my ex. No energy for that. The dcs should have had a nice inheritance of a mortgage free big farmhouse to share between them but now they have nothing. Which is fine. Many people have nothing and start from scratch and the dcs are young with their whole lives ahead of them.

Antidepressants or therapy isn't the answer because this is the reality. And I actually feel ok about this way out.

And I would never ever ever discuss this in RL with anyone especially not dcs.

There are many women in your position who look back ten years down the track and have reinvented themselves, found who they are without being held back by a man, and are living a very full life. I know it might be hard to see right now but you can get up and go from strength to strength. It's going to be hard but you can do it.

Killing yourself is not a solution. You might see it as an escape but it is a life sentence for your children. Read the experiences of suicide survivors if you want to know the lifelong damage and ramifications for those who are forced onto this journey. Don't do that to your children.

I know you don't want to be told to seek counselling. Maybe mentorship from women who have been there would be better for you? They might be able to help you see a way forward and tell you how they did it?

I really want to set my dcs a good example of someone who copes well and thrives.

I am coping. I am being the parent who is solid, present, calm, reliable. But I don't know how or cannot see a financial solution.

You do know if you kill yourself it greatly increases the odds that your children and grandchildren will follow you in that course? (Just trying to give you reasons not to to reflect on).

I'm not great with financial ideas but hopefully someone else can help with that. I suggest looking for a mentor or group of women who have been there for support and ideas. You can do this.

Oh OP, 50 is not old

I agree with posted above, you need to access some more counselling and try the freedom program online. Once finally free of your STBEX hopefully you can look at what is available for you to do, start, live & even love again.

did you claim child benefit for the children? You might find you already have 2/3 of the NI contributions you need for a full Uk pension.

I know its a cliche Op, but one day at a time. Try to have value in every day. You are not yet fully recovered from an abusive ex or had time to heal up. You are obviously super intelligent and a great mother to have got your kids through and out of this. Lots of women are having to reinvent themselves in their fifties, so please take heart.

have you got a shit hot lawyer? I know you say your stbx is financially abusive but you might be able to get some of his pension and sounds like he might be a high earner so have money stashed away which you may be able to get a share of? Dont let him get away with taking everything.

i wish you all the best going forward but your children still need you. I lost my mum when i was 38 and am still getting over it 30 years later - my kids never had the grandmother they should have had.

I think your children would prefer a poor, alive Mum to a dead by suicide one.

It sounds like you have been beaten down by years of abuse and have very low self esteem.

Can you retrain in something, even basic skills?

Does the country you are in provide any state benefits or housing to those in need? If you say which country it is, perhaps Mumsnetters can suggest some forms of help.

Aw so sorry for what you’re going through. Can you get a lawyer onto it and try to find out where he’s squirrelled this cash. You are important you’ve done your best raising your children and they need you now and in the future.
please don’t be hard on yourself. Be proud you’re getting out of an intolerable situation.

You have plenty of time to change your fortunes, and for the missing money to be accounted for.
You need to parent by example, coping, living well, for the DC. I have to do that for my adult DC, who are ‘dealing with’ the death by suicide of their DF. He thought that they would cope fine without him and his troubles, he was wrong, so wrong.

It’s ok to take comfort from the idea if you need it to get through today and tomorrow.

My mum recently told me that she has always quietly longed to kill herself so she doesn’t have to keep living with trauma of her childhood.

It was painful for me to hear, I don’t want my mum to drag herself through a life she is miserable in just for my sake… but I’m certainly not going to let her think I don’t need her!
She is so important in mine and my kids lives.

Try to find something in your life that is for you, some kind of training or course that means you won’t have to struggle for money. 50s is not too late unless you believe it is.

Look on it as an opportunity, a gateway to a wonderful new life. You're only 50 ffs, no age at all! You certainly shouldn't be looking at ending it all. That would condemn your DC to a lifetime of sadness and regret. You probably will be entitled to a pension, and no one would criticise you for not taking paid employment, and staying at home to look after 4dc.

Where are you living now and how is it being paid for? Your lawyer must be able to secure you a financial settlement.

Is there a language difference where you live that is limiting your work options? You are an educated woman who has raised four children. You could have 15-20 years in a new career.

I don't really understand how if you've coped for a decade to get your youngest through uni why you wouldn't be able to keep on coping.

The divorce is stressful but once it's sorted you can rebuild. Do you think it's all just too overwhelming at the moment? Do you have a friend or relative who can support you emotionally with it?

Without going into my life story and hi jacking your thread...I went back to work at the age of 65. I could use a computer and took a deep dive into the world of transport. Just Admin based via Agencies. I worked nights for more money but the day rate was okay. I found my tribe and loved every minute of it and I was good at it. If employment opportunities are poor in your area why not move? You can rent anywhere same with schools. As for old age renting that's a way ahead, life can change in a heartbeat...boy do I know that one. Embrace your new freedom and your new life..it's all ahead of you truly. Don't let your shitbag ex. define the rest of your life. If you do that he wins.

I was you - 9 years ago. I have a career albeit one I had stepped back in to enable him to fly ahead - lovely home and two lovely children and a new baby.

I won’t beat around the bush - he cost me £100 K in court as he tried to get me sectioned, take custody and at times I thought for many months it would be far easier to commit suicide - the only issue was the kids - eldest wanted nothing to do with him and baby was a needy baby.
My career went to shit - I got an autoimmune disease and went down to under 6 stone. I could not sleep I could not function - I was in so much debt.

the house was sold - debt gone.

It was a struggle but here we are 2023 I’m in the position to perhaps buy a little flat when houses prices down - we rent a lovely house by the sea long term lease.
I have a job in a place I couldn’t of dreamed about 9 years ago - when I applied 3 years ago I was like - a place like this isn’t going to want me like you I am educated to post grad level etc - but they bit my hand off. 3 years later - I can’t see me leaving. Ex got himself a life long restraining order as he was abusive. Youngest sees him but not often and we moved across the country - court allowed it so I never bump into him. Children are happy in outstanding schools and my work is my happy place.

took a while due to lockdown but I have a best friend now! I love my freedom, you can’t take objects with you but you my darling can get a granny annex or a live in job or study or travel when your youngest is 18. You are young. You are free.

you will have a loving family and grandchildren and he won’t. That my friend is the most precious thing.

Get a supportive GP and antidepressants and hrt and get some counselling. You have spent your entire life being someone who is not you - find the real you.

don’t tell anyone but when I was little I used to like collecting wild flowers and pressing them - my ex threw it away - recently my therapist and I have been working on finding the real me - and you know what I’m back pressing flowers £20 on Amazon and it’s my little bit of sunshine at the moment.

please get supportive around you and focus of you - ffs you are a strong independent woman who has run a home and had children with no supportive just think how many skills you have!! Can you do a short course, internship, what do you really want to do - stamp your foot - not in YOUR time to develop you xx

I agree it's fine to have that thought if you find it comforting OP, I've felt like that at particularly hard times in my life too, I think our brains need a get-out clause sometimes. Things seem impossible to you right now, you've no hope and no fight left in you because of the damage stbxh's abuse has done to you, I get it.

But you're still in the midst of it, still wading through the divorce, still dealing with the fallout for your DC, still healing. And when it's over, when you're finally free, you may well find that your fight comes back, you start to see a glimmer of hope and slowly but surely the need for the 'get-out clause' disappears, it did for me.

We never know what opportunities are around the corner for us either, things can change very quickly and your life and future could look very different in a year or two. But for now you feel how you feel and that's ok, just don't assume you will always feel this way and employ a permanent solution to a temporary problem

OK. Three things OP.

1. You've tried very hard to do the best for your children. Right at this moment, you're fighting to give them a better life. Why then are you then planning to undo all that hard work by causing them massive trauma at some point in the future? They love you, they will still love you in 10 years time. Having a loved one kill themselves fucks you up. You'll be more of a burden to them dead than you would be leaning on them financially.

1. You have no idea what your life will be like in 10 years. It's all very well planning to kill yourself at some nebulous point in the future, it's a different ballgame trying to convince yourself to go with it on the day.

1. What if you fail? Plenty of people manage to cock up suicide. Plenty of people end up paralysed, or brain damaged. How's that easing the burden on your kids going now?

@Shadowworry you sound like an amazingly strong and wonderful lady

@BlastedPimples please keep going - you are stronger than you think....you sound depressed- GP - antidepressants - and go from there wishing you all the best x

Thank you so much for all your kind and inspiring words.

I did not know that a parent committing suicide could mean that even their adult dcs are more likely to follow suit. I don't wish any more trauma on them - we have all worked hard to get them to a place of peace, calm and safety - but the worries are overwhelming me.

I really am not seeking to cause any more harm and distress to my dcs but right now, I think I will just be a problem in 10-15 years.

I feel like I am thrashing about trying to find a direction in which to plough forwards. If I get a job now (hasn't happened yet), it will be low paid and how then do I find the enthusiasm and energy to develop something else new?

I would absolutely love to be fully trained and very knowledgeable in something not least because it would mean nobody could pull the rug from under us again because I would have created financial stability as well as emotional stability for us. But it's like I can't concentrate. Can't focus. When bills arrive, I panic and worry how to pay them and it really throws me.

The panic is generally subsiding thank goodness. But the anxiety and fear is just constant. I think it is a legacy of abuse. It wasn't constant abuse but enough episodes of screaming in my face and eventually an attack last autumn has really reduced me. We have been free of him since the end of January 2023. It's not long I suppose but I wish I could find my way.

It sounds like a forensic accountant should look into the finance side of your divorce.

Hi OP

I am sorry you have had such a horrible time and that things are difficult now.

I hope your plans are a rebound reaction to your new situation, and when things settle, you change your mind.

I understand your reasoning and how you dying feels like a logical way to ease the future "burden" on your kids, but can you not see that the burden of knowing their mum killed herself would be awful to carry around I'm their early 20s... or whatever age... I am in my 40s and if my mum did that I would be devastated to lose her and to always wonder why, and what could I have done to help her.

Hi OP, don't lose hope, you can overcome this but you need a plan. For starters you need every penny you can get from your ex - from the house sale, in maintenance, his pension etc.

Check your pension status on the government website. If you've been claiming child benefit then your pension contributions are paid for you. If there are gaps you may be able to top up with some of your settlement money.

You need to find employment - are there any live-in jobs near you (Shirley Valentine comes to mind!)? In the UK 'The Lady' publication lists jobs that come with accommodation (house keeper, lady's companion, house parent, cook, PA etc). Google The Lady Jobs to see the sort of live-in jobs available . There may be the equivalent where you are. You could also train for a job (dog grooming, child minding, eyebrow technician!) What are your interests? You could look at buying into a franchise with your settlement money or get a business loan.

Hopefully your solicitor can get you a decent settlement and you can start to look to the future with hope. Good luck 💐

You are in your 50s?! You have time for a whole damn career! You are clearly intelligent (masters degree) use it! Start now. Do some research, find a career you want and work towards it. You have SO MUCH TIME. Think about how much you could have done since you turned 30. How much you could have accomplished. That's how much time you have left until you will likely retire! So much time! You also have the blessing of having older kids so you can really focus on your career! Go get you some moneys op!

Hi OP

I have been where you are.

I found it comforting to hold on to the idea that I only had to be strong for a few years for my kids and then I could stop, just stop having to be the cool calm one who solved all the problems and supported them emotionally.

The more time I spent away from Ex DH the more the anxiety and fear went.

I would highly recommend a therapist it really helped me.

My kids are now at Uni. I don't see ex DH ever. I am building my own nice life, and it is worth living.

I went on anti anxiety drugs (as did both my kids) which really helped. Speak to your doctor. My DD was also given diazepam as she was having nightmares and panic attacks.

From the other side, MIL was pretty screwed over by FIL when they divorced; she never had a decent job as she had to juggle raising the kids around his military career.

DH and I, and BIL and SIL, have to help out financially sometimes. And do you know what? No of us resent it. None of us are remotely bothered by it. We see a woman who worked her damnedest to raise two boys well pretty much on her own, and who was then shafted by the man who had promised to look after her. We see a woman who has no savings or career or pension through absolutely no fault of her own, and we WANT to help her. Even SIL and me, who can see how hard she worked to raise the men we married.

MIL is fab. She helps with the kids and is always there when we need her. We would never see her as a burden. I would rather a MIL who loves her grandkids and helps us when we need it than one who was financially solvent but distant.

I sincerely hope that you find a job you love and which allows you to grow into the new life you deserve without your ex. But if it turns out that sometimes you do need help, never think that you are a burden to your children.