To think there is no other way out and this is ok

[BlastedPimples]

Getting divorced after a 19 year marriage.

I am a Sahm but worked on and off throughout marriage. No big career at all despite being educated to masters level. Also got lodgers in and did dog sitting to bring in money around the children. Was a sahm on good faith, agreement with stbx.

Stbx is violent, verbally and financially abusive. Also adulterous. Incredibly dishonest man. A really shit person. 4 Dcs don't want to see him. I certainly hope never to have to see him again.

So divorce has not gone through yet. He is being evasive over money and incomplete Form E. Clearly hiding how he's spent huge sums of money over the years. Clearly wants to leave me with very little. He will manage to do that because he's very sly and vindictive. Also I fully expect to be punished for not having worked regularly h throughout the marriage.

Those of you who say, "Well you were stupid enough not to have worked throughout marriage," please don't bother to post on this thread. Lecturing after an event is pretty pointless. You have no idea what it's like being in an abusive relationship. And comments like that do not help one bit.

So my youngest is 10. I have to find a job in my fifties. Fine fine but it'll be for pennies. I will spend the rest of my life scrabbling about for money. No home of my own. Mortgage free family home was sold off three years ago and that money has vanished. So how I will pay rent in my old age I have no idea.

I am full of fear and anxiety and it's relentless. It's like the darkness of my ex but for different reasons. My dcs have been struggling psychologically too but with a calm, steady home life with no dramas and help from psychologists, they seem to be learning that life doesn't have to be full of hysterics and trauma because of their father. They are getting through the mess.

However, I have now found great relief in thinking that when my 10 year old has graduated and established himself in a career, like my other dcs hopefully will have, I will simply and quietly kill myself. The escape from all this misery is so very appealing. I'd do it now if I could. There is no way out. How can I improve my lot in my fifties? I have no idea. No hope. No spirit left. No optimism. I am a Useless lump. And even if I weren't useless, I have found no employment door opening to me despite trying for six months.

I don't want to be a financial burden for the dcs or anyone in my sixties. I don't have anywhere near enough NI contributions for a pension. No home other than the rented house we live in now. I simply can't see a way out to make life okay again. If my dcs are all settled, with careers and maybe even married with kids of their own then my work is done.

This is not meant to be self pitying. I'm looking for a solution and if there is one less person that needs a financial solution then so much the better.

I don't live in the UK but divorce is being done in UK as that is where we married and where ex is living now. We want to stay in a different country to him to be safe.

I cannot see how I will survive and cannot bear the thought of being a homeless old lady.

I'm not even angry about having had all our financial security squandered by my ex. No energy for that. The dcs should have had a nice inheritance of a mortgage free big farmhouse to share between them but now they have nothing. Which is fine. Many people have nothing and start from scratch and the dcs are young with their whole lives ahead of them.

Antidepressants or therapy isn't the answer because this is the reality. And I actually feel ok about this way out.

I think it's not too uncommon when feeling despondent for people to think 'if it's not better by x time I have the option to kill myself ' as it can give a sense of control over an unfathomable future, and I don't think it means the OP is actively suicidal.

I know it's only anecdotal but I have a friend who was in your position but had no qualifications and managed to work her way up from the checkout at morrisons (where they encouraged her to do nvq training at the job) to a very well paid job in a private school.
What did you study? For now apply, for any job that will take you, but the trick is not to get stuck there. You need to be a little bit cut throat in all aspects of life. Take whatever you can, any job then any better job etc. Take whatever you can from your ex don't let him walk away without a fight. Check what you're entitled to regarding benefits. If you have adult children living at home see if they can contribute towards rent.
You can absolutely regain control of your life, think how long ago 20 years ago feels, it's actually quite a bit of runway to get set up with some financial stability for the future.

OP I really feel for you

I fucked up my life financially. I wake up at night sweating about the financial security I once had, and lost. I won't go into details here, but I've been as stupid as it's possible to be. I watch YouTube videos about pension investments aimed at people half my age and think, There you go, you stupid cow.

Your kids will be fine.

You must concentrate on your own happiness, which at risk of sounding like a hippie wanker is not necessarily related to income.

I promise you can be happy again.

Please don't feel like a failure.

Totally relate, but when sober will add more.

Hang in there.
X

You have a huge bunch of people very much on your side here, believe that. Ending your life is never the answer as others have said. As for the divorce, get a lawyer and insist on a full assessment of his debts, assets and a full paper trail of his finances going back five years, everything going into and out of his bank accounts, particularly if you feel he’s hiding things. The money from that house will be somewhere in some form, trust me. Take him to the cleaners then you and your kids go and live the lives you deserve. Job wise you’ll find something, money isn’t everything and your kids will understand.

There is more to it all though. I can't shake it off with optimism and strength.

My ex has run up huge debts. Debts I didn't know about but I am now also liable for.

E.g. he got a big tax return from HMRC last year which I didn't know about. He should have paid that money into the tax office of the country where we are currently resident. He didn't. So now we owe this country's tax office thousands.

He's racked up over £100k of credit card bills. Cards in his name but apparently I am too liable for the debt. Part of the family pot in the divorce.

We owe thousands in school fees in this country. He says remortgaged the last of the buy to lets he bought to pay for the fees but evidently has spent the money elsewhere.

We owe £10k to another UK school because we didn't give them sufficient notice. I said to him at the time we should have paid them but he refused, saying they didn't have a case. Now we have a CCJ against us.

It's just hopeless. We should have had the means to invest properly and easily pay for costs with money from a mortgage free house sale three years ago but I just don't know where that money has gone. There are 4 buy to let houses bought with the house sale money but they are mortgaged to the maximum so that doesn't explain the whereabouts of £650k from the house sale.

Ex would get very hostile and aggressive if I started probing and asking questions.

All these catastrophic financial decisions. None of which were mine.

So it's more than shit. I mean this is the stuff I know about. I bet there is more.

I have panic attacks and cannot sleep for worry. There is no way out for me. He's a high earner. I am not.

I hate to say it, but I’d get advice on declaring bankruptcy. It will impact you for a few years but at least you’ll be free of the debts he’s racked up and he can be liable then for half of it. Then get a divorce. What a vile man he is.

We are divorcing right now.

He's liaible for half of it anyway.

And he will get more in the divorce settlement in order so that he can meet repayments.

As a previous poster said, time to get a shit hot lawyer. Think of the money they will cost as an investment. Tell them everything about the money you knew he had, earned, spent, and where money seems to be missing.

If he was a high earner he’ll probably have a high pension, and you are entitled to some of that.

I’ve looked suicide in the face OP, like you, and decided it was the rational option for the future. I’ve changed my mind: it would traumatise those I love so is not something I can consider. Children don’t ‘get over’ a parent’s suicide, I’m afraid. So you would not be sparing them trauma or some unknown burden.

You are likely to live another 20-30 years (subject to any health conditions you haven’t mentioned). In that time, there could be grandchildren or partners of your children or new jobs. You are only now 4 months out from an awful abusive ex. Life will be unrecognisable in five years, in ways that are probably impossible to imagine now.

I wish you all the luck in the world. And get that shit hot divorce lawyer!

This made me cry. I'm so sorry you feel this way and that you are going through such a horrific time. You are not old, all is not lost and life has a funny old way of sorting itself out. Just deal with the shit show that your cunt of an ex has left you to manage alone and then take time to heal, I promise you will read this back one day and be so so proud of how far you have come xxxx

I have a very solid solicitor combing through everything right now.

However, the realities are his huge debts. His squandering of huge sums of money. All for which I too am liable. He will lie through his teeth and say I knew everything which isn't true but the truth doesn't seem to matter anymore.

The solicitor can't magic money out of nothing. She can't make it better.

He is a high earner. Could earn even higher but he loves the adoration he gets at his current role so wouldn't ever move. And why should he? He's ruined us and isn't even liable for all of the shit he's caused.

I don't see how this will ever ever get better. Not with these huge sums involved.

You musn't be so negative. There is always a way out it's just a matter of finding it.
I retrained for a completely different career in my late 40's as a single mum because I developed a sudden disability which meant I couldn't do my old job. It took three years and then I quickly progressed to earning £50k a year with a side earning 2nd job of £2k a month.
Having been divorced from a very similar man myself I can tell you categorically DO NOT allow the divorce to be finalised without a financial settlement. A good lawyer will get you half the house if not more and you will then be free to move on.
Just because your ex is crafty do not believe that you can't get your share. The courts take a very dim view of this kind of thing.
Take legal advice!!! Don't listen to your ex's bullshit.
Forget suicide your kids need you however old they are. My DS is 40 and still needs me. Suicide will destroy them.
Find your strength and power and kick his arse.
My aunt had 4 children and had never worked and she too retrained and became a high earner in her 60's.
It feels like shit now because divorce is horrible and you are afraid but think when it's over how wonderful it will be.

Also if you are on benefits you can get your debts cancelled so speak to citizens advice or money helper.

There is no house. He sold it three years ago. And the money has evaporated

There is nothing left but debt. Debt that is now mine too.

It costs money to retrain. I won't even be able to take out a loan to cover that.

Ok so there is debt and you might not
Walk away with anything. But you have 4 children that need you.
You have a fresh start. You will have a period of adjustment and you will learn to manage. Thousands of people manage on a low income. Yea it's not ideal. Yea would they like to have more but they don't.

Focus on healing. Find a job to keep you ticking over. In time when it's behind you then you take stock.
I've had periods in my life where I've been on my knees mentally. But I've got through those dark days - nothing lasts for ever.

I'm not leaving my children. Not until they are adults and financially safe. And physically safe too from stbxh.

It's about walking away with nothing. It's about being mired in over £180k of debt.

(((HUG))) I'm sorry you're in this situation.

what an utter bastard he is. I hope your lawyer is a good one, a shit hot one.

they won't be able to wind time back, but hopefully you can come out of this without debt. I know you'll say you will have lots of debt, but a great lawyer might be able to get all on him.

🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

your youngest being a proper adult with an established career is a long way off & there's a lot of life to be lived between now & then.

It's amazing how much energy you get back once you're free of abusive, controlling, men people.

I can tell you one thing for sure though, your children would rather have you & help house/look after you, than not have you. Parental suicide is something that seriously damages children (as much adult ones as young ones). You love your kids too much to damage them that much.

i can hear how exhausted & beaten down you are, I can hear that right now you can't see past it. But you have lovely kids & you need to fight past that, because no matter how old they are, they want you to be here with them.

I'm not sure how to help you out of this black hole, but we are here to try to help.

🌸

He's also being prosecuted for assaulting me on this country where we are resident. He keeps delaying the trial.

He says he tried to commit suicide back in January by taking ibuprofen. This was when he was trying to weasel his way back into our household.

He'd verbally abused my youngest ds who had recorded it. I was unaware. My eldest ds showed the school the recording the next day and the school refused to release the dcs into stbx's hands.

I arranged a safe house for us all to go to and when stbx realised he'd been outwitted and his abuse had been made public, he took ibuprofen. Left voicemails on loads of people's phones including the dcs and colleagues. Created yet more drama, cast himself as the victim and made sure help would come.

Do you see how it is never ending? I never once in my wildest fears imagined life could turn out so horribly.

You obviously have great reserves of inner strength to have lived through what you have, and to have created a stable home for your kids now.

If you go to your local council, they are likely to have employment support services for people like you. People over 50 are often one of their targets. Many of these schemes are very good. You will get a mentor who will help you. They are all a bit different but most of the government funded ones, in my experience, will pay for training, pay for equipment that you need to take up employment/ start a business, help you with job searching, writing cv's, preparing for interviews, getting voluntary experience. One of the women I spoke to had trained in her 50s in debt advice. Some of the schemes help people once in work to progress at work. Some of the mentors are really excellent and are used to supporting and building the confidence of people in very challenging situations. Its worth looking into (and if you do get a rubbish mentor don't be afraid to ask if its possible to move to someone else).

Good Luck OP.

Also, just seen about the debt. Try going to the CAB, or a debt advice service. I don't know much about declaring yourself bankrupt but may be possible/ worthwhile for you? You would need to take advice on the repercussions for yourself.

I lost my Dad to cancer 2 years ago, I was 27. He was 59.
I would give up everything I have to financially support him if it meant he'd still be here.

If you feel the need to talk about this, create a thread on the bereavement boards. It is utterly tone death to post this here.

Take each day at a time. Eight years is a long time. You might meet someone else, you never know! You might enjoy working and meet interesting new people and make friends.

Why not consider a job once your kids have left home as a house parent in a boarding school? That way you can save a lot of earnings and not pay rent/mortgage for a decade. You have the right skills because you have been a parent to four dc!

Grandchildren may come along that bring you so much joy you want to stick around for them.

But right now, you don’t see much hope
in the future. After everything you’ve been through and are going through I don’t blame you and you’re not wrong to feel that way. Why not set yourself a deadline to reassess in ten year’s time? I think life may have thrown some surprises your way in that time.

I lost my best friend to suicide, and it is a trauma like no other. I don't say this to shame you, or to pile more guilt and obligation onto you, but simply to be transparent. The loss of a loved one to suicide is uniquely traumatic, painful, disturbing and life-changing. The exquisite pain of feeling you could have and should have done something to stop them, and the utter desperation to find answers, to work out what ultimately went wrong. As PPs have said, losing a parent or family member to suicide increases the chances of children, grandchildren, dependents etc. doing the same down the line.

All of this information is simply to allow you to be informed. I would never want to shame someone for feeling suicidal. I know you simply want to cause the least harm possible. But trust me, suicide is not that path.

Ten, fifteen years is a long, long time. Many people live content and fulfilling lives on modest means. I don't know what country you're in now, or what country you'll be in when you're older, but many governments have social security schemes to support those on low incomes. There are so many endless possibilities for your life yet, you can't see them all now of course but then none of us can see all the potential futures lined up before us!

You're understandably in a very dark, ground down place right now. If it helps you to imagine a future where you have no more stress, no more obligations, no more feelings of burden, by all means hold on to that concept. But suicide is a nuclear bomb of trauma, and in reality, doesn't do what you really yearn for, which is a life free from the pain and suffering you're feeling.

Sending so much love. Hold on to the knowledge that life can change in ways we could never conceive of, and does! Often! It's not holding out for a miracle, it's simply waiting for life to do what it does, which is shift, change and evolve, naturally.

As your youngest is 10 you'll be getting NI contributions for another couple of years towards your pension.
As to jobs, no reason you can't work your way up even in your 50s. What job does your ex have , is he a high earner?