Getting divorced after a 19 year marriage.
I am a Sahm but worked on and off throughout marriage. No big career at all despite being educated to masters level. Also got lodgers in and did dog sitting to bring in money around the children. Was a sahm on good faith, agreement with stbx.
Stbx is violent, verbally and financially abusive. Also adulterous. Incredibly dishonest man. A really shit person. 4 Dcs don't want to see him. I certainly hope never to have to see him again.
So divorce has not gone through yet. He is being evasive over money and incomplete Form E. Clearly hiding how he's spent huge sums of money over the years. Clearly wants to leave me with very little. He will manage to do that because he's very sly and vindictive. Also I fully expect to be punished for not having worked regularly h throughout the marriage.
Those of you who say, "Well you were stupid enough not to have worked throughout marriage," please don't bother to post on this thread. Lecturing after an event is pretty pointless. You have no idea what it's like being in an abusive relationship. And comments like that do not help one bit.
So my youngest is 10. I have to find a job in my fifties. Fine fine but it'll be for pennies. I will spend the rest of my life scrabbling about for money. No home of my own. Mortgage free family home was sold off three years ago and that money has vanished. So how I will pay rent in my old age I have no idea.
I am full of fear and anxiety and it's relentless. It's like the darkness of my ex but for different reasons. My dcs have been struggling psychologically too but with a calm, steady home life with no dramas and help from psychologists, they seem to be learning that life doesn't have to be full of hysterics and trauma because of their father. They are getting through the mess.
However, I have now found great relief in thinking that when my 10 year old has graduated and established himself in a career, like my other dcs hopefully will have, I will simply and quietly kill myself. The escape from all this misery is so very appealing. I'd do it now if I could. There is no way out. How can I improve my lot in my fifties? I have no idea. No hope. No spirit left. No optimism. I am a Useless lump. And even if I weren't useless, I have found no employment door opening to me despite trying for six months.
I don't want to be a financial burden for the dcs or anyone in my sixties. I don't have anywhere near enough NI contributions for a pension. No home other than the rented house we live in now. I simply can't see a way out to make life okay again. If my dcs are all settled, with careers and maybe even married with kids of their own then my work is done.
This is not meant to be self pitying. I'm looking for a solution and if there is one less person that needs a financial solution then so much the better.
I don't live in the UK but divorce is being done in UK as that is where we married and where ex is living now. We want to stay in a different country to him to be safe.
I cannot see how I will survive and cannot bear the thought of being a homeless old lady.
I'm not even angry about having had all our financial security squandered by my ex. No energy for that. The dcs should have had a nice inheritance of a mortgage free big farmhouse to share between them but now they have nothing. Which is fine. Many people have nothing and start from scratch and the dcs are young with their whole lives ahead of them.
Antidepressants or therapy isn't the answer because this is the reality. And I actually feel ok about this way out.