My husband left me

[Abandoned1]

My husband works away during the week and was supposed to come home Thursday night and then said Friday - was meant to leave at 3pm but said he had to work late. At 6.30pm I text to say leave before it gets dark. He replied with check your emails.

In the email he said he wasn't coming home and was going away and will let me know if he wants to be with me when he gets back.

I have no family and friends.
He's all I have.

I have embroyos that I was meant to use this year.
I'm early forties.
I can't start again with another person and have kids.

He's taken my only chance of having a family too.

I have no family, friends, job, money, pension - now no marriage or a chance of a family of my own.

I don't even have the guts to commit suicide.

I don't even know why I'm writing this.

oh love. Has he said why? Do nothing right now, until you can talk. Feel for you so much. Has it just come out of nowhere?

Use the embryos now. Don’t tell anyone. Hopefully he doesn’t contact the fertility place.

Sounds weird but I had a dream on Monday night he was going to abandon me so I sort of knew.

He's a depressed sort of personality.
I'm sure he thinks I'm the issue and has ran off.

I just can't believe he went the way he did.

So when he's back and had his fun (whatever that may be) over the weekend, do not take him back.

You will be ok, I promise.

I've asked if I can use the embroyos.
He hasn't replied.

I'm hoping he has mercy and gives me a chance at motherhood.
Then I think I've got nothing to give the baby
Don't know what to do.

I can't believe God has destined me to be alone and unloved all my life.
I got through childhood thinking I'll have my own family one day. But no, not for me it seems.

I'm so ashamed.

He might not be back.
We have a house which he owns.
A rental property near his work.
So he doesn't need to come back for days, weeks, months even.

Yes, I have thought has he gone off with someone.
I have no way of knowing unless he tells me himself.

I wished we'd given counselling a go before he left me.

@Abandoned1 I'm so sorry, this is awful.
And well done for posting here, Internet strangers can be the right support often.

You say you've not the guts to kill yourself, well good. You should never make a permanent decision during a temporary episode. And this is temporary, you won't feel this way forever, right now it's shock and soon you can grieve.

Don't take him back, he is using his depression to treat you like an emotional punchbag. You wouldn't want to raise a child in that environment anyway.
I hope he let's you use the embryos though. Just without him being there to punish you and the child for his irratic moods.

You do deserve a family and one day you'll get there, they come in all shapes and sizes and you're still young enough to be a mother, however you get there.
My son has a wonderful stepmother who obviously isn't biologically his mum, but he appreciates her and she's very much apart of the team to raise him. So don't discount anything yet!

Get through each day at a time, but let this one go, he's wasting your time now and you have to be brave enough to cut him free.

So many women here have been in this situation and so many have found happiness, you will also 💐

If he is seriously depressed he may just be having a crisis.

There is no need to jump to the worst conclusion that there is someone else or even that he has made a final decision about ending your relationship.

Try to get some sleep and do not panic. I know that will be easier said than done. Sending you warmth and comfort OP.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this but the fact that you've reached out on here shows you're strong.

He sounds abusive. How was he at home with you generally? Financially abusive too?

Take one step at a time. Look at each hour. Don't look at the future at what could have been and what will be because you won't be thinking right right now. Get over this hurdle you're strong enough to do it.

Have you got any friends that can help you go check? I wouldn't want to be with someone that treated me this way let alone have a child with him. It's toxic.

Is he the reason you aren't working and don't have a friendship/family network by any chance? You sound really isolated and that's not great for anyone 🖤 . But you can get through it, as someone said, don't entertain anything beyond the next hour. If there are people in your life....people you may not consider good friends but who you get on with and trust, do try reaching out. You might be surprised

So sorry you are going through this. From your comments, you sound overwhelmed and possibly depressed. Please try to only take one thing at a time, don't overwhelm yourself with negative thoughts about the future. It sounds like you may even be better off without him.

You may want to consider therapy or just talking with someone to process all of this and begin putting your life back together, one step at a time. You are still very young! Just be kind to yourself, and try to find a little comfort each day, even if it's just a walk in nature or a cup of tea, or anything you find comforting.

I second this.

You can’t do this without both parties consenting.

No friends, family or job begs the question why? How do you fill your time when he's away?

OP I feel for you. It seems like a really difficult place you're in at the moment. It might help to speak to someone in real life. Maybe call the Samaritans or another online service as it can be a real comfort to talk through your feelings.

Are there any low cost counselling services near you so you can explore how you got to this situation where you are so isolated and seemingly vulnerable and how you can start to rebuild your life.

The set up is leaving you very dependent on your partner both financially and emotionally. Rebuilding your life whatever your husband decides to do would be an important next step. For instance, maybe working even part time might make you feel less isolated. Finding social interaction through working, volunteering, hobbies whatever would rebuild your confidence and make you feel less isolated.

It must have been a terrible shock to you but it could be the start of a more fulfilling life going forward. Having children is a blessing but it can make you feel even more lonely at times if you have no support and no other outlet, so whatever happens it's important to build social structures and a balance in your life.

How have you ended up so isolated? No friends or family? No job?

I’m asking not to judge but to see how we can change these things.

If he is gone for days weeks months...what do you do during that time? Where are your Friends and family? Why don't you work?

Like pp, my first thought was why are you so isolated? I understand not everyone has family around, but why no job, hobbies, friends? Especially if he was always away for days at a time, how do you fill your time?

I'm not being critical of you, just worried that you've been isolated by him. Has he stopped you working or making friends or having outside interests? If he has, then you are truly better off without him, because he's been abusing you. It might not feel like it right now, because he's become your world (simply because he's chased everything else out of your world). But it's better to be single than in an abusive relationship.

Whatever the reasons for your isolation, in time you can come up with a plan to pull yourself out of it....volunteering, support groups, hobbies, a course, employment etc. You can do it if you want to. Friends will come out of it.

So.... before your husband left, would you say your marriage was a good one? By that I mean was he loving, respectful, caring, loyal, trustworthy, treated you as his equal, wanted you to be happy?

I am so sorry to hear this op. I wish l could give you a hug. Please keep talking to us. 💐💐💐

As you're married, it's your house too. Likewise everything he owns and earns. You should still look to becoming financially independent of him in time - there are so many helpful threads on here when you're ready to take them in - but for now just know it's not as dire as you're feeling. You do have choice and resources, you will get through this and be better off without him. Do not despair.

OP, I'm so sorry to read what's happened.

I went through something sort of similar last year- my husband left me, we'd been going through fertility investigations, I had stopped working during Covid as he was clinically vulnerable... so I felt job-less, husbandless and the ache of childlessness. I am in my late 30s so a little younger than you but not that much younger.

I'm telling you this in order to reassure you- I have since found a job that I absolutely love, I signed up to an App in order to keep busy and have a few dates and met a really lovely man (much kinder than my ex) and life is much better than in my marriage.

You will survive this, you will be able to get a job, rebuild a life (one that works for you- it must have been lonely having a partner who was never there), you have a good chance of meeting someone new.

I recommend Gateway Women, an organisation for involuntarily childless women. I'm not saying that it won't happen for you- or for me- but I have found it helpful to read stories by women who have experienced similar heartbreak.

Please be gentle with yourself. And get a solicitor, hopefully you would be entitled to a share of his house.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP!

On the embryos, I doubt you'll be able to use them without his consent as others have suggested as you normally have to both sign forms before a transfer.

But if you are willing to go it alone, you could consider another round of egg collection and donor sperm. Or even donor eggs if your embryos were collected a few years back.

This doesn't have to be your chance of being a mother missed, there are options.

Jesus christ people, stop asking the poor woman why she's no friends, why doesn't she work: none of that matters in this particular moment

No job is because I'm a contractor and once you're a temp it's hard to get back into perm work.
I'm in and out of work and when I am in work it does pay well.

No friends - I always get used.
Or, women with families and kids - they don't want to be friends with me because childless. So, just acquaintances.

Also, when you're an orphan it's not easy to trust people.