Self harm questions.

[smurfgirl]

Sorry to keep posting about this I know its v.yawn.

Recently my self harm has been quite bad, I have stitches at the moment, and have attended hospital twice in a week, and given a chance would probably take quite a large overdose.

Generally my mental health nurse is quite chilled about my harm but i feel differently about it at the moment. I want to as much damage as possible, and this last cut was ridiculous. But the next cut I do will have to be as big - and whilst I am trying hard to put it off it feels rather inevitable at this point. Luckily i would not be able to do it until Tuesday which gives me some breathing space. I am worried because before I did this last one I felt sick, panicked etc but could not stop myself.

Any experience? I am a bit freaked really. I don't think anything will change in my care but I wondered what anyone elses experiences were if their self harm stepped up a level?

Cheers.

smurfgirl - you really need to have a think about what makes you feel this way. losing control is not a good thing as usually with SI like annorexia (i think?? correct me if i am wrong needsomeinspiratonplease) it is all about controlling some part of your life as you feel you have no control over everything else in your life.

I did start with ODs yes.

Hmmmm. I know this stuff is messy and horrible I just need to get stuff out.

I think I am worried about how far my cuts will go tbh.

notdoingthehousework - it is the lesser of two evils sadly. i have mentioned about major arteries in the thigh as that is where smurfgirl cuts herself. perhaps she can be supervised whilst doing it or have someone in the vicinity in case there is serious damage. i know there was an article once of a place where girls who self harmed stayed and were supervised and encouraged to use alternative routes such as the ice cube thing mentioned previously.

smurfgirl- i hope you do not mind but what are you using to SI?

razor blade

smurfgirl - do you push it into your skin and slice across or just slice randomly iykwim? i must admit that was what i used 80% of the time. as i got older though i found the stinging awful and what made me stop for good was having my son as i was so worried he would get taken away from me. my xdp put the fear of god in me. and i woule not want him growing up thinking that is the normal way to behave. instead of thinking of the negatives in your life at the mo maybe you should start focussing on what makes you happy? think of your wedding dress, surely you want to have flawless arms? sounds cheesy but it may motivate you to curb your urges...

Well my arms are already scarred and i don't cut them at th moment.

I don't think how i self harm is overly helpful to talk about for me at the mo. I am not frenzied or anything, pretty slow and precise.

I want to not want to self harm.

smurfgirl - i did not mean to pry but i wanted to make sure you were not using a kitchen knife or something worse.
until you actually want to give up you will not. you have to think of the postive reasons as to why you would not want to.

don't you need to deal with your anxious thoughts then smurfgirl? or is that so obvious it just doesn't hep to say it

i do talk about them in therapy so i suppose i am dealing in a round about way

have you tried medication to see if they might reduce?

i was on citalopram and it did nothing

i don't think i have an anxiety disorder really but i will chat to mental health nurse about them on Tuesday when i see him

Hope all goes well with the nurse, smurfgirl.

Look after yourself.

To not want to self harm is a good step but you need to look at what drives you there in the first place. I'm fully aware that self harm is about release and about having actual pain for the internal pain that you feel. The internal pain you need to address before you can expect the self harm to stop.

We all have ways we deal with things but i'm pleased that you're looking at how you deal with yours.

bethboo I missed your question earlier but yes I think anorexia is just another type of SI, although I didn't realise it at the time. I was hospitalised twice for a couple of months at a time and while I would put on enough weight while in hospital to be allowed out again as soon as I was out the spiral would start again. It wasn't until the internal stuff got less awful (and tbh I didn't even really appreciate how awful I was feeling inside as I was just focussing all energy on the anorexia - a way of avoiding the issue of how I felt I guess) that things became more "normal" for me.
Definitely dealing with those internal and driving anxieties would be where I would start.
I wish you all the luck in the world smurfgirl, nobody should have to feel like you do, and you don't either...talk to the nurse on Tuesday and make a plan...

smurfgirl, haven't been on properly since I posed my CBT question to you last night.

what is TA? I only know the acronym in relation to transactional analysis

Dear Smurfgirl dont't know much about self harm. Only tried it once many years ago but agree with totalchaos it was about allevating mental pain. You don't mention your family much. Are they any help to you?

Keep trying out new medication which might help you. I've been on Citalopram, Paroxotine and more recently Fluoxetine. Keep fighting pal there is a way out of this for you. As you pointed out your child needs you and will benefit from your recovery. You can do it. Everyone who has posted here cares about you otherwise they would not have bothered.

Please seek help - you will find the peace of mind that you need but you have to fight for it.

Sending you a big hug and lots of hope.. Be brave pet you will get better.

To come back to this.

Self harm for me is not about externalising internal pain or reliving tension, some of it is about demonstrating distress to myself, but I am not sure about the details tbh! It calms me down a lot though and I 'like' the damage aspect.

TA is transactional analysis yes

Oh, I am seriosuly interested in TA - though the relevance it has for me makes me despair a little bit as faras how to change things that are part of my subconscious/blueprint for life!

Is there any link between the release you get if you, say, smash a plate in an argument or is that waaaay too simplified? I mean,there must be complex reasons why a violent act helps some in such situations...

I don't mind TA really but some of the ego states stuff is hard to deal with sometimes.

Am I farof the mark with the plate thing?

Smurfgirl: "I am not mentally ill"
And yet you are seeing a mental health nurse and a psychiatrist.
Why are they wasting their time with the mentally well then?

I am not mentally ill, I am struggeling mentally - its a diffence. Have been assessed by psych as ok - don't see him. The team I see work specifically with people for whom self harm is the primary problem. I say that to explain why I am not on medication and to bypass questions asking if I am depressed.

Plates not for me but cheers for suggestion.

And I'm struggling intellectually with the difference, Smurf. But I wish you well, anyway and hope that by talking about it on here you're less likely to do anything I'd wince to think about.