Self harm questions.

[smurfgirl]

Sorry to keep posting about this I know its v.yawn.

Recently my self harm has been quite bad, I have stitches at the moment, and have attended hospital twice in a week, and given a chance would probably take quite a large overdose.

Generally my mental health nurse is quite chilled about my harm but i feel differently about it at the moment. I want to as much damage as possible, and this last cut was ridiculous. But the next cut I do will have to be as big - and whilst I am trying hard to put it off it feels rather inevitable at this point. Luckily i would not be able to do it until Tuesday which gives me some breathing space. I am worried because before I did this last one I felt sick, panicked etc but could not stop myself.

Any experience? I am a bit freaked really. I don't think anything will change in my care but I wondered what anyone elses experiences were if their self harm stepped up a level?

Cheers.

bethoo then as a sh why post such a crappy unsupportive post? Its not about badge of honour of I have sh this long what about you or I can cut this deep...FFS as someone who has experienced those feelings why just come out with you are doing it for attention?

Am stepping away from the thread before I loose my temper..

smurf I really hope you are able to get help you want and that you can regain control. If you want to chat you will see me around.

bethoo - your first post was rather bald - without the context of knowing you had personal experience of SH, it did come over as a bogstandard "pull yourself type" response from someone without experience.

I am quite happy to give Smurf attention on here if it stops her slicing herself. There is nothing wrong with wanting attention btw. Smurf, what has worked for you in the past to take your mind off negative thoughts and any other triggers for SH?

Sorry you need to step away from this thread Nemo, although I understand why. You offer a lot of support when people need it and it is always good to hear from someone who understands.

bethoo I have said MANY MANY times I see a clinical nurse specialist in self harm

This is not my first time self harming - i used to and stopped.

I know its upsetting my fiance yes.

I am freaked about because my self harm has changed and is verging on dangerous and out of control, its scary and i wanted other experiences.

I don't understand the attention comment.

Nemo - it is not about a badge of honour otherwise i would have said something sooner. i do not advertise what i did. sometimes being harsh is all you can do. i was trying to help but obviously wrong, i think you should wind your neck in and if i think i mentioned to smurfgirl i may have been harsh. i admit i may have been harsh to smurfgirl, as it was abrupt but who the hell are you who knows nothing about this situation? i do not usually rise but sadly my hormones are everywhere!

smurfgirl - i started when i was a teenager and did give up but when i found things too hard to bare i would start up again, like a binge i suppose. the way i used to deal woth it and it may sound stupid but i used to write my feelings down, usually as poems, i found it had a calming effect on me. it is addictive and you feel as though no one else knows the hurt you are gong through and sometimes you dod not even know why you feel this way so it makes it harder to talk to people about it. i am sorry for the reaction i had earlier, it was wrong, but no doubt i am going to be hounded on this thread forever!!! i found that crying just was not enough for me and so believed that tears of blood was better. now i jsut have a scarred body to show for it. people do it for many reasons, deeling with emotions they cannot control for example. hurting oneslef for attention in that so people can see the intense hurt you are going through. a cry for help if you will.

smurfgirl, if you are scared by how you are feeling and what you are tempted to do, don't you think you really do need more/ different help? Just until you feel more stable? Is there a reason you don't want to be sectioned (other than it being awful - and I do know what it is like - I was sectioned last yr and it has had awful repercussions for me. It was absolutely the worst thing that could have happened in my situation so I do know it can cause more problems than it helps. On the other hand, I am still alive...)

Sorry, I realise I sound patronising so I'm going to stop posting. I really hope this settles down for you, smurfgirl. I don't know any other places for support (other than nshn) but I hope you can get this under control very soon. In the meantime, please be careful.

I am back sorry.

I am getting the help I am getting - he will decide if I need more.

My self harm is a reaction to internal stressors and other stuff oh who knows.

Sometimes I want everyone to take my choices away but other times i know its about me exerting control.

I write my stuff down on psyke and e-mail it to him before our sessions.

Wednesday just properly freaked me out, i felt sick, dizzy etc before ddoing it but still did it was like I could not stop myself.

I have scars on arms/tummy and now thighs.

Yes I think the non-reaction is not give me attention for something negative which I get. He does say stuff like he knows how scary it is for me etc.

I just feel like if I do enough it will be ok (hence overdose desire) but its so hard.

I want mega damage - have tried small cuts. its so hard to explain its like once i start i have to be silly. I do try not to though, honest!!

smurfgirl -there is a big difference between cutting oneself and overdose! do not go down the pill road if you can as there is no gong back on that one. and be careful if you are gong deeper with the cutting as there is a major artery in your thigh. be careful and have you got antibiotics and bandages at home to prevent infection?

I used to overdose actually its very old school for me. Hmm.

Thanks for the kind replies on this thread.

I am on antibiotics at the moment and have mucho dressings.

I think I cut a vein the other day because it bled a lot, but I have very fat thighs so don't think i can do too much.

oh yes overdose is self harm not suicide i think

NotDoing - I can see the distinction Bethoo is making- as there are saf(er) ways of cutting - but surely an overdose is intrinsically risky? Bethoo is thinking of physical damage.

omg I hope you manage to get through this - it sounds horrendous! I have no real experience of the sort of self harm you are describing, although I wa svery badly annorexic and then bulimic for over ten years so do have a sort of appreciation of those enormous and inexplicable drives to damage yourself. I was over it for a long time but started feeling very negative/anxious again in the summer just gone, I went to the GP and am now on citalapram which is an ssri often prescribed for anxiety and depression. I have never felt better and am taking control of various parts of my life (as housework would attest!) now. SOmething you said earlier about the awful internal thoughts rang bells with me and I wondered whether anti-anxiety meds might help? I think if they had been around when I was ateenager they'd have helped me no end.

It sounds like you are under a fair amount of supervision so surely someone would have suggested this before if its a valid possibility so it may be a useless suggestion...

I really hope you get through this and soon, it sounds so awful for you and everyone who loves you

notdoingthe housework - in a perfect world we would not be having this conversation but an overdose will more than likely cause death and severe liver damage which is not reversable. once an overdose of paracetamol (lethal dose~) is taken then even being at hospital with medical care is not going to help. a lot of self harmers do not actually want to die. if smurfgirl is haviing probs gicingup rhen the bestthing she can do is take care of herself after she has inflicted the damage.
smurfgirl is obviously aware of the implications and consequences of self harm such as tetanus and blood poisoning etc.

i used to take relativley large overdoses so i am aware of the risks, i think my concern is that my SI used to be 'safer' and now it doesn't feel it at all so I feel so lost with it all. overdosing makes me feel calmer too, i doubt i will, but its in my head you know