Feeling so suicidal, my children are keeping me here

[Justdontknowanymo]

I had a nervous breakdown over Xmas. I have been much better but tonight it’s just got too much.

children are 2.5 and 10 months. The baby has been awake for the last 3 hours, just a terrible sleeper.

I am due to go back to work but absolutely hate my job. It makes me feel so unfulfilled, and it’s so fucking boring.

I absolutely cannot stand my DH. He talks to me like a piece of shit and has no respect for me. We argue, he apologises, rinse and repeat.

family only want to know me for nice times and pleasantries. They can’t deal with me like this, and have pretty much been ignoring all of this.

have some great friends but they’re up to their necks in their own lives which is fair enough.

I just don’t want to be here anymore. The only reason I am is for my kids.

was given a box of setraline at Xmas but DH and family told me that I didn’t want to start getting ‘hooked’ on that stuff. They basically wouldn’t support me at all in taking it. Had 10 sessions of CBT, it sort of helped, but doesn’t change any of the above.

Sorry to say I’m back here and not doing much better. I started taking the medicine but it made me feel so dreadful that I just couldn’t continue. I just had no support from DH with it either. I felt so groggy and tired and just couldn’t do what I needed to do for the kids.

The arguments continue and all DH keeps telling me is that I make life difficult and make his life hell. I feel like he doesn’t understand what effect that has on me. It just makes me think everyone would be better off without me, but I know that’s not true.

he rang my parents to say he couldn’t deal with it anymore, and then has gone out with his friends for the day. It is all just such a mess.

I don’t know what I want from this really but I just don’t know what to do,

I’m sorry to hear you’re not feeling any better. Are you taking sertraline at night and have you tried a lower dose? There are other alternatives so it would be worth going back to the doctor and trying another drug. It can take a few goes to find a drug that suits you.

It sounds like the marriage has come to the end of the road. However much DH threatens to not leave, he can’t stop you divorcing him. If you can afford to buy him out of the house that would be a very option in a divorce settlement.

I understand your job is boring but why not focus on fixing one thing at a time. My job is boring too but hey we have stable employment with money coming in. Once you have addressed your marriage and worked on your mental health, after that you can think about changing your job for something more fulfilling.
You may find that getting away from a husband that shouts and argues, will give you a new lease of life.

Do you have funds for private therapy? It sounds like you could do with some support right now.

It’s so hard to change things when you’re feeling like this but I worked suggest taking steps to leave your dh - he brings nothing positive to your life and is a contributing factor to your low mood.

i would also say, this time will pass. Speak to your gp about other options. I was very low a few months ago. Never felt anything like it before and it scared me my dc were the only thing keeping me here. I wasn’t sleeping (work related stress and bullying) so I spoke to my gp. I felt so guilty because I “wasn’t ill”. She wanted to sign me off but my job was up for consultation so I didn’t want to give them the opportunity to get rid of me. Instead we agreed I could cope if I’d slept. She gave me 14 sleeping tablets. I’ve taken 5 since March just to get me through the worst and that’s enabled me to balance my emotions. I was worried about side effects of anti depressants. But, there are options so please speak to your gp. It won’t always feel like this.

Please make plans to separate. Anyone telling you that you are making his life hell really isn't worth the headspace or anguish. He's an arse

I know but he tells me that I’m constantly on at him, constantly whinging, complaining he doesn’t do enough, criticising. Obviously I do from time to time but it isn’t constant. He really doesn’t know what he’s doing around the house e.g. washing so I do get very frustrated. I don’t know how this is making someone’s life difficult or hellish though, perhaps it is.

What he’s really saying is he doesn’t want to do stuff around the house and he doesn’t want to be asked.

It’s all very well complaining about the “nagging” wife but if he pulled his weight you wouldn’t have to keep asking would you?

Tbh he sounds like the one who is making your life hell rather than vice versa. But in a way it doesn’t matter, if you’re making each other unhappy the obvious thing is to separate.