Feeling so suicidal, my children are keeping me here

[Justdontknowanymo]

I had a nervous breakdown over Xmas. I have been much better but tonight it’s just got too much.

children are 2.5 and 10 months. The baby has been awake for the last 3 hours, just a terrible sleeper.

I am due to go back to work but absolutely hate my job. It makes me feel so unfulfilled, and it’s so fucking boring.

I absolutely cannot stand my DH. He talks to me like a piece of shit and has no respect for me. We argue, he apologises, rinse and repeat.

family only want to know me for nice times and pleasantries. They can’t deal with me like this, and have pretty much been ignoring all of this.

have some great friends but they’re up to their necks in their own lives which is fair enough.

I just don’t want to be here anymore. The only reason I am is for my kids.

was given a box of setraline at Xmas but DH and family told me that I didn’t want to start getting ‘hooked’ on that stuff. They basically wouldn’t support me at all in taking it. Had 10 sessions of CBT, it sort of helped, but doesn’t change any of the above.

Sounds like you would be happier if you broke up with your husband? I’d rather you got “hooked” on your medication vs feel suicidal. Your family are not supportive.

Your family don't sound supportive anyway, so take the medication and hopefully it will help.

Sorry you’re feeling like this OP and it’s not helpful that your family is so unsupportive.

Could you be suffering from post natal depression?
How long have you felt this way?
You say you were given a box of sertraline. Who by?
I assumed you went to the GP ?

If you haven’t, definitely make an appointment to see a dr.
I had post natal depression and felt suicidal all the time. My GP prescribed Prozac which I took for less than a year and I felt completely better after about 2 months. Definately didn’t get hooked on it. I just came off it gradually.

If your family are the sorts who think mental health can be fixed by a “ kick up the arse” then I wouldn’t tell them you’re taking medication.
Take it as prescribed and hopefully you’ll notice a difference.

Oh, and once you’re better and stronger, you can take steps to get your dh out of your life. It sounds like your life will be easier without him and his negative family around.

Hi OP

I just wanted to say that this world is better with you in it. Even if you think I can't know that as a stranger, let me tell you as someone who lost a family member to suicide that it is not the only choice, even when it might feel like it.

Your children need and want you here so cling to that feeling of staying for them until you can get more help and stay because you really really want to.

As PP have said, your relationship is not a good one - you deserve so much to be with someone who is kind and supportive. Can you leave him?

Your family don't sound good to you either but your friends- you say they are up to their necks with their own lives but I can hand on heart say (as someone who is constantly busy and stressed!) that if my friend were in your situation and they didn't talk or ask for help I'd be devastated- I would want to do whatever I could to help. I bet your friends are the same.

If you really don't feel like you can do that try your gp or health visitor. I'd be going back and getting that sertraline sorted for starters but also their guidance and support. Show them your op if you can't find the words when you are there.

There is help and you can have a happy life - you deserve it.

Wishing you the very best xxx

I just hate everything about my life. My children are my world and I love them more than anything, but it’s just so relentless and wears me down.

yes the GP gave me setraline and they suspected post natal depression, which sounds about right. I am worried about taking it, in case it makes me feel so much worse before I feel better.

I could leave DH, financially I could buy him out the house and I have a good job to support myself and DC. He absolutely will not leave though. Has said to me he isn’t being away from his children and why should he lose everything. He is a very good dad. But he came from a horribly dysfunctional and abusive family, and he’s worked hard to change, but ultimately he can’t ever stop himself swearing and shouting in arguments with me. He is so conditioned that way.

I absolutely cannot stand my DH. He talks to me like a piece of shit and has no respect for me. We argue, he apologises, rinse and repeat. Good Dad's don't act like this. He doesn't want to stop himself if he did he would have already sought help. There's no magic solution but if he was a good person and a good Dad he would be trying to fix this with the help of professionals. Saying he can't stop himself is a cop out.

Yes there can be a period during the first 2 weeks where you can feel mentally worse. You could discuss this with your GP maybe starting at a lower dose would be an option. Whatever you decide about the medication you should write a safety plan https://www.every-life-matters.org.uk/safety-planning/. and include any mental health lines you have where you live, I'm not in UK. It includes things like your reasons for living, things you look forward too, who you can seek help from, even if that's just helplines right now that's something. If you're worried about DH finding it you could make it on your phone.

There is a whole lifetime with your DC beyond this and you can get there, you just need some help right now. In a very similar situation, though my stbxh sounds less nasty than yours, I took the antidepressants and I'm very glad I did. It didn't make my anxiety disappear, but it did make it manageable. It got me through. Best wishes for coming through the other side. xx

Hey Justdontknowanymo.

just so sorry to read that this is how you’re feeling at the moment. Sounds like things are a struggle for you. It’s never good when you feel like you’ve no one to turn to.

you say you’ve got some great friends in rl but you’re apprehensive to approach them for support. They might not be able to give you answers but don’t you think that they’d really want to support you emotionally with all of this, like you would with them if it were the other way around? Are you worried about starting that conversation?

You’ve mentioned the sertraline too. Meds can be so daunting! But if your GP knows and has prescribed them to you, do you feel you really need to let the negative people in your life know you’re taking them if your GP knows the will help with how you’re feeling?

You sound like a fantastic mum with so much love for your children. They’re so lucky to have you!!

I’ve felt like this before numerous times and I can tell you it does get better! My advice is to take the sertraline (it’s changed my life!) and don’t tell anyone if they’re not supportive. I knew DH wouldn’t be supportive so I’ve been on it 18 months now and he’s got no idea.

thanks for all your kind messages

Started the setraline this morning. Haven’t told DH, although I might do for him to perhaps realise the gravity of the situation.

those who have taken ADs how long did it take for you to feel better.

I’m glad you started the sertraline. It was prescribed for you and your choice alone whether or not to take it. It can take up to 6 weeks to kick in so don’t worry if you don’t feel any better for a while.

I wanted to end my life when I was married. I finally plucked up the courage to divorce my vile ex and haven’t suffered with depression for many years. I think your marriage sounds to be the main contributor to your poor mental health.

Your DH is neither a good partner nor a good father if this is how he treats their mother. You deserve so much more. Once you feel a bit stronger (the sertraline can’t change your circumstances but it can give you the means and the mental strength to deal with them) I would look into leaving your partner. When you are due back at work, if you’re not feeling well enough, speak to your GP and discuss getting a sick note. You can look for a new job when you are feeling well enough.

You sound a great mum. Put your health first. Take the meds, get as much support as you can from your GP and HV and take it a day at a time for now. I wish MN had been around when I was in a similar situation, if only to realise I wasn’t alone and people had got through this and come out healthier and happier . 💐

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. If you can afford private therapy it sounds like you could do with more support than the short term CBT appts the NHS can offer.

As to your DH - sadly he is not a good dad. A good father models a good person and treats the mother of his children with respect. He is literally teaching his children how to be abusive.

If you decide to divorce he won’t have any choice but to sell the house and share care of the children. It’s not up to him. He’s had his chance to reform his behaviour, but it is pushing you so low, you need to take steps to protect yourself.

I have been where you are now. It’s a dark horrible place. But you can leave it.

The sertraline may make you feel absolutely awful for about two weeks. And then… this terrible weight you feel will lift. The anger, sadness and darkness will depart. And you can use that relief to start healing yourself.

I don’t know what healing means for you. Maybe it means break up. Maybe not. For me - it meant getting a new job. It meant getting a hobby. It meant exercise. And about a yr later I stopped taking the ADs.

I have been where you are now. But I am out the other side of the darkness and you will be too!

Please please please take the meds. Any one that tells you not to is not being supportive. You won't become 'hooked'. (And if you continue to need them there is absolutely no shame. So what. People with high blood pressure take meds. People with high cholesterol take meds. People with depression take meds. No difference.)

Come here whenever you need a chat. Maybe wait until you feel a little better before you make big changes - like kicking out the partner. (You may feel differently) But if you need a few days away on your own to reset then take it.

As to side effects of the ADs. Please don’t stop taking them if they make you feel shit at the start. Two weeks. I felt awful - very nauseous. My jaw felt weird. Bad taste in mouth. And extremely anxious. But two weeks later, all of that lifted. And what was left was a calm…. All of the horrific thoughts (suicide, anger, self hate, irritation, hate me life, can’t bear this) had gone. My brain literally quietened.

You need that quiet! You need someone or something to take the burden of the depression and anxiety away from you.

Hi Justdontknowanymo,

We're sorry you're feeling so low. We can see you're getting a lot of good advice and support on this thread from other Mumsnetters, but we just wanted to add a few links which might be of help.

Here's a link to our general Mental Health webguide which lists lots of organisations which can provide some real life support.

If you're feeling really low, please call the Samaritans on 116 123. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

We also wanted to include a link to Women's Aid - we know they've helped many Mumsnetters in the past so please take a look at the support available on their website.

And finally, sorry for bombarding you with links but as you've said your baby is just ten months old we thought it might help if we point you in the direction of an organisation called PANDAS Foundation which was set up to support families through pre- and post-natal depression. They have a free helpline, available 7 days a week, from 11am-10pm - 0808 1961 776. They can also provide support by email.

We really hope you're okay, OP.

Happy you're taking the AD's. Thats a great decision. They'll give you mental space to sort things out for the better.

Glad you started the meds, they will help you massively when they kick in. I was on them for almost a year, will take them again if needed, you made the right decision. The samaritans website has a lot of very useful stuff if you feel too low to call them. Writing activities, practical things to interrupt awful thoughts etc.

“those who have taken ADs how long did it take for you to feel better.”

the only time I took Prozac was for 10 months for post natal depression.
I was in a very bad place OP and my now ex h didn’t give a toss.

I wouldn’t tell your h. He’ll probably belittle you over it like mine did.

Within 3 weeks of taking I felt noticeably better, no suicidal thoughts and the mood improved.
At 8 months I told my gp and I got weaned off it.

Well done for taking the first tablet this morning. Don't tell your DH. Let this be something you do for yourself and keep it away from anybody who will - or may be - even remotely negative about it.

Longer term, the fact that your DH had an abusive childhood and has done things to improve himself is good. It does NOT give him a free pass to treat you badly though. Not at all.

Please stick with the meds. They can be life saving. I personally felt awful for 2 weeks. So anxious i couldn’t drive and pretended to have a sick bug. But, Things will start to get better once they kick in.

In the future you will be able to leave your partner. But you need to be strong/stable first.

Agree with others please stick to meds
, I’m so sorry people around you aren’t supportive but your children need you to be happy and healthy. And please take steps to leave your horrible husband…that’s not a good father