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Original poster

Brother in law's wedding

63 replies

89Mumof3 · 01/04/2023 21:56

Hi, so my brother in law is getting married in June, getting a lot of anxiety. I've got 2 young children 1 that 2 and a half, the other 9 weeks. My oldest is 13 so can help a little bit. Probably overthinking it, I've got no self confidence after having my youngest, the figure has gone kerput, and my hairs all falling out, I've got a wide partin and a bald patch. I don't want my photo being taken, I don't want to be left on my own with the kids, I'm pretty sure I'll do a disappearing act, so I don't have to talk to anyone, all they'll see is me who's a mess.
My husband is wearing a nice hire suit, and I'm going to look awful next to him, I feel completely inferior and really looking for excuses not to go. I'm praying one of the kids is ill or something. I'm sure I'm overreacting, but I'm completely overwhelmed by it all. I'm ok around people I know, but I look like I'm seriously ill or something. I can't find a reason to buy a new outfit as it seems a waste of money when I don't look my best. My eczema has flared up, there's no redeeming feature I want to focus on. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
89Mumof3 · 01/04/2023 21:56

Bump

OP posts:
bignope · 01/04/2023 22:10

I'm sorry op, I can feel the anxiety you're feeling. I think, break it down.

You're feeling rubbish about how you look right now which is natural, you've just had a baby!

Can you afford an outfit and maybe a hair cut? It's amazing how much better most people feel with a hair do and some simple make up.
You've got loads of time. What do you like, what suits you? Have a look online and find something you'll feel comfortable in.

As for managing the children, your partner will need to help. Make sure he knows he can't just bugger off and ditch you all day. Is he helpful usually?
What about your in laws? Is there someone going who you trust to share you're worried about managing?
You'll have a pram for the baby I assume and loads of people are bound to want to coo over the kids, let them!

Original poster
89Mumof3 · 01/04/2023 22:26

Thanks for your message, my mum's offered to pay for a hairdresser to look at my hair. It just looks so flat and bare. Looking at outfits, but all the models wearing them just making me feel inadequate, I know I won't look nearly as good as they do. I'm not a vein person, I just don't want photos on the mil walls of me looking awful while everyone else looks lovely.
My husband is great, it's just when they have the photos, obviously there'll be a few where they just want him, and I'll want to run and hide. My anxiety leaves me with a fight or flight and I know I'm going to be fighting the urge to hide until it's time to eat lol. Even writing about elevates my heart rate.
My mother in law does know I have anxiety issues, but she'll be busy on the day. It will be a lot of people's first time meeting the baby so at least the attention will be on her. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
89Mumof3 · 02/04/2023 13:05

Any advice please, at the moment looking for any excuse not to go. I'm so stressed about looking after the kids, constantly comparing myself to other people who I know will look lovely on the day. My husband obviously wants me to go, but I can't even get out the house to the toddler group as my hairs devastated my confidence. I don't feel worthy of a new outfit, I just can't justify it, my son will need a suit and my daughter's nice dresses. Just really need some help on this, I've been invited on a hen do, but I don't want to go on that. I'm sure I'll be happy sitting with the kids at home while he goes to the wedding, I'm sure I'm going to ruin it by going, it feels like a high pressure wedding and I won't be able to relax.

OP posts:
Original poster
89Mumof3 · 02/04/2023 17:19

Bump

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BevMarsh · 02/04/2023 17:26

All eyes will be on the bride and groom OP.
You had a baby nine weeks ago and need to cut yourself some slack. People will be not judging you- they have their own issues.

Quitelikeacatslife · 02/04/2023 17:31

You've got a little while yet and may feel bit better in yourself by then . It's very early days with new baby . If you can put a bit aside so you can all have something nice to wear. Maybe plan shopping trip in May and let your mum pay for hairdo. There are lots of lovely headbands and clips that are fashionable. Boy doesn't need suit just a nice shirt , maybe waistcoat will be cheaper. Wear something that you feel ok in . I guarantee there will be a pretty dress in the shops you will feel ok in . No one else will be analysing what you wear as much as you trust me
If it all gets too much you've got great excuse to go early with baby but don't worry about that now, you might enjoy it x

Tradeup · 02/04/2023 17:34

Buy yourself a nice wig, a good quality one that’s almost identical to your regular hair and find a hairdresser to cut and style it for you, buy yourself a really nice flattering outfit and have your hair and makeup done on the day. Morale is so important, especially when your kids are tiny and you are exhausted. Otherwise if your DH is understanding plan to have your new baby “too sick to be left” and stay home with his prior agreement, or arrange this with your mum. Would everyone be upset if you don’t go? Can you go for the wedding and then leave and miss the reception as the kids are “too small”. At the wedding sit at the back in case “they need the loo or are noisy and we need to step out” all legit reason for young parents to be near the door.

botheritsgone · 02/04/2023 17:41

My friend came to my wedding with two little ones about the same age. I was just so delighted that they had come. I can't remember what she wore but I remember cradling that sleeping baby in my wedding dress.
Could a fascinator, hat or flowers in your hair help? Definitely get it done professionally, especially if your mum has offered. They will manage to do something to make you feel better about yourself.
Are there other family members that can help you with the kids even if your partner is away getting photos etc?
I don't think not going would make you feel any better. I think you would then feel guilty about not going. Could you go shopping with someone you trust to pick out a dress? Maybe get your makeup done at a counter in boots or something on the day.
And if all else fails, you can sneak away with the kids later. At least you will have tried.

Gingergirl70 · 02/04/2023 17:46

I think the most important question right now is what help are you getting with your anxiety? Are you sure it's PND? Have you been to see your GP about it?
As to looking like the models modelling the clothes, don't you think every single woman on the planet feels like they can't compare? It's ridiculous to think anyone could do I'd our that out your mind straightaway.
Financially, are you able to afford new outfits for yourself and DC? It's OK people saying go buy yourself a good quality wig without knowing how you are fixed financially). Is your hair short or long? Where is the bald patch?
Have you seen your GP about your hair loss?
Easier said than done with 3 DC, but try eat a bit healthier, go on daily walks. Set aside 30 - 60 minutes a day while your DP minds DC snd just do something positive for yourself, like a walk or a fitness class or a long soak in bath. Anything that makes you feel more positive about yourself.
I know everything seems like gloom and doom at the moment but there are little steps you can take over next 2 months to improve how you feel.
And of course, sir does with your DP and make sure he knows exactly how you're feeling, that he's giving you all the support he can. Make a plan for the day of the wedding (as much as possible anyway) so there's people around to help with kids etc. In fact, would you not consider maybe getting a sitter for the day? Even if only for the youngest one - if nothing else, it might give you an excuse to slip off early if your anxiety gets too much

ChateauMargaux · 02/04/2023 17:56

Your husband has to look after your 2 year old. You can focus on the baby.

Get clothes for the children second hand and spend some money on a nice dress for you.

I am overweight and git a beautiful dress from Hush last year.. thin, floaty and comfortable.

As for your hair.. take a look at Pantogar.. worked a treat for my mother after she lost all of her hair when she was in hospital.

Eczema.. high dose vitamin C, epsom salt and oat baths, aveeno cream.

You are worth it!!

Original poster
89Mumof3 · 02/04/2023 18:03

Thanks for your advice, a good quality wig is out of the question they're too expensive. I don't think I've got PND, just feeling vulnerable at the moment. My husband knows how I'm feeling, and talking about just gets him anxious and annoyed about the whole thing. It's too far away to just slip away as I know he'll want to stay as long as he can, so if I go I'm committed. The weddings at 2, and it's over an hour's drive, and we live in a village so I can't just pop to Boots I wish I could. I haven't got time on the day to get my hair done and get the kids ready, but I could go a week before and see what they suggest I do with it. It's still falling out more than regrowing, I don't think men understand how much hair means to us. It would be hard enough without having this on top. If it was my family I know I'd be supported even though I'd be uncomfortable, but it's not and they're attention will be on the bride and groom which is fine. My husband's a groomsmen so I don't think I can sit at the back, it just feels easier not to go and maybe regret it later when my hairs back and I feel like me again, but right now it's too much. Thanks again

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Original poster
89Mumof3 · 02/04/2023 18:07

I've got a next voucher from his mum that she gave us when our baby was born, I was going to use that on them and get myself something from vinted. I'll look into it, money's just tight at the moment, I've never been one for spending it on me, always on the kids. I use aveeno cream, will try the baths and vitamin C thanks

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Kranke · 02/04/2023 18:46

As a PP said, all attention is on the bride and groom. I cannot remember what anyone wore to the 10 (yes was an expensive year!) weddings I went to last year. Have a look on second hand sites and charity shops. Can you wear a hat, or a thick headband? You could get a clip in hair piece (for around £30) which would give more volume. Honestly, and I mean this in a good way - nobody will be looking at you!!

SkaneTos · 02/04/2023 18:55

Is there perhaps another wedding guest that you trust that can help you with the children while your husband is in the photos? I don't mean someone babysitting, just someone that can support you with the younger children.

And also, you will not look awful! I am sure you look fine. Plenty of good advice also, from previous posters.
I wish you luck!

Original poster
89Mumof3 · 02/04/2023 18:58

I know you're right, but it's also looking after the kids, the photographs, which I could hide away from if it wasn't his brother getting married. Any other wedding wouldn't be so bad, but he's part of the wedding party and I can't help feeling some pressure. I've got a bald patch, it's thinning all over needs more than a clip, there's no way I can hide it. I am looking at charity shops, but after just having a baby it does nothing for my confidence.

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Gingergirl70 · 02/04/2023 19:09

GP, I asked in my earlier post if you were getting any treatment for your anxiety or your hair loss. What does you GP say?

Original poster
89Mumof3 · 02/04/2023 19:20

Anxiety I'm on an online course to help manage it. As for hair loss she said it was normal to lose hair after a baby, but I'm sure it's normally months later. I started after week 3, I did have a stressful pregnancy, low lying placenta and false labour for weeks before being induced due to her not growing, it was on my due date though. So could be stress related, going to doctors tomorrow to get her immunizations so will talk to them about it then, might get some blood tests done

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Gingergirl70 · 02/04/2023 19:47

Good to know you're being proactive in accessing all the help you can on both these fronts.
Stay positive about this, things can and do change in short amounts of time, even 2 months, and you may be feeling a lot more positive about everything once the therapy kicks in.

nzeire · 02/04/2023 20:03

I can hear the desperation and pain in your post, sad to read.
congratulations in your baby, I remember how scary, isolating and full on that was. Your anxiety is peaking, this needs to be addressed as your priority. Please talk to the doctor about it.

You sound so down on yourself, can you do little things every day that will make you feel better. You’re getting into better weather, so outdoors a bit more, feet in the grass kindof thing :)

get a dress for the wedding, you deserve it. And let your mum pay for the hair. Get into a good skin regime now, do the little pampering things and everything will make a little difference.

the doctor may be able to prescribe something to help with the hair, I don’t know. Could you pull off a beautiful headband scarf?

good luck, and again congratulations on your baby. Xxx

3luckystars · 02/04/2023 20:10

Try to be nicer to yourself.
Wedding is a long way off. Decide to not worry about it until the week before. Every time it comes in to your head, say out loud ‘I will worry about this on the first week of June’ otherwise you will lose all this time with your new baby, stressing out.

when you are at the doctor, ask them for blood tests especially your iron, vitamin D and thyroid.

you say you look like someone who is unwell, well you are!! you just had a baby and your body is telling you that something is not right so talk to your GP.

all the best.

Original poster
89Mumof3 · 02/04/2023 20:23

Thanks for all your support, it's all I think about, with stag and hen nights coming up next month. My husband's meant to be going for a meal with the groom's wedding party. I just feel like I'm being isolated even though deep down I know it's not the case. I do my breathing exercises and relaxing techniques, but it just comes straight back.
I'm hoping the doctor will have some answers especially as it's stopping me from going anywhere at the moment. I never like my postpartum look, but this is on another level.
I'm only 1 week into my anxiety therapy, I've got another one on Tuesday, my husband's getting counselling through work due to me putting too much pressure on him, it's not nice.
Thanks again

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Original poster
89Mumof3 · 02/04/2023 20:26

I have spoke to my GP as I'm pretty sure I have PMMD, so I take sertraline 2 weeks before my period is due. My anxiety hits a whole new level then, I turn into someone I don't recognise or like. I take my first one on Friday, so I'm hoping I don't get as anxious as this again, but I doubt it will be a quick fix

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Foreversearch · 03/04/2023 11:42

@89Mumof3 tip for your hair is to put eyeshadow or eyebrow pencil (matches your hair colour) onto your scalp. It makes the wide parting and patches less obvious.