I'm losing the plot with anxiety and intrusive thoughts

[Helpimgoingmad]

I just need a vent, I feel like I'm going mad!

For years now I've been struggling. I feel like it started back in 2013ish when my grandma died and I took her Ouija board. I never opened it, left it in the car, gave it to a friend 2 or 3 years ago. (I know some people will think I'm cuckoo already).

But since then I've had intrusive thoughts. For example, I check the floor constantly worrying I've dropped information about people I work with, even though I'm out shopping on a Saturday and don't even take any information home with me. I have to stare at something to try and reassure myself, counting empty plugs for example to reassure myself I've unplugged my straighteners.

I've always had STD tests including a yesr or so into my relationship with my (now) husband, but now I'm convinced I've got something (no signs or anything). And last year I had a tiny pin prick hole in my foot that was painful. I treated it as though it was a verruca even though it didn't look like one, and still now, even though the podiatrist removing my toenail at Christmas said she could see where it had been but it wasn't there now, I can't stop acting like it is there incase I spread it to my 2 year old or my husband. I won't put my foot flat on the floor unless I have a plaster over it and a sock, I wash my hands constantly, I disinfect everything all the time. Tonight I sprayed the floor and got the too of my sock slightly and am now convinced there will be verruca virus everywhere and in my shoes tomorrow because i haven't changed my sock but it got sprayed.

I'm going mad and I don't know what to do other than feel like it's all got to me tonight and I've had enough with it all. Just lying in bed crying and feeling pathetic.

Well done you for going to the GP. That's a big step in the right direction.

Well done, another step forwards

Thank you @Beamur & @NewtoHolland . I've had a horrendous evening.. two hours in the bathroom washing my foot. I'm absolutely shattered. Thank you for taking the time out of your days to comment 🥰 I know noone needs more ocd updates so I will leave it here xx

So pleased you have sought help OP. I suffer(ed) with health anxiety and it’s awful.

Sertraline sorted me out and I’d never come off them now. It’s been a game changer for me. One day soon you’ll realise you haven’t thought of it as much and it’s such a huge relief.

My intrusive thoughts were around STIs and cancers. It was exhausting and so nice to not have it front and centre of my thoughts all the time.

Kalms

@FfeminyddCymraeg typed a huge message and then it didn't send 😩 glad to hear Sertraline worked for you, fingers crossed it does for me too. I just can't ever imagine not having the obsessive thoughts and the compulsions that follow. I feel like it is just my life. I told more people at work today and they have been brilliant, signposting me to services to help. Also had my local IAPT service call me after my self referral and I have my initial assessment call next week! So crazy that this time last week I was hiding it and now I'm hopefully making progress!

That’s a lovely update

I just wanted to add my support, I’ve truly been there and it was awful. I stopped going out because I was obsessing with bridges, fast traffic and multi storeys.

I approached my GP, then referred to IAPT, then seen at the psych hospital and then on to a psychiatrist. My meds are balanced, I’m in therapy and much more stable now, it’s such a relief.

all services have worked well together and everything was in place within 6 months so I will recommend engaging and see how you get on. I didn’t tell anyone because it was all so far fetched but apparently instructive OCD is really a thing.

You’ve got this 🤗

It is treatable, I (and many others!) are living proof! It doesn’t happen overnight but as I said, one day you realise ruminating and googling symptoms haven’t been such a feature.

I did CBT and whilst I didn’t take that much from it, I found allowing myself a defined period of time to worry (30mins) was helpful in the beginning. You have to write any worries down to come back to during your allocated time - most of the time it wasn’t necessary and stopped me feeling like I’d failed if I needed to self soothe by worrying.

I very rarely worry about health-related issues now (beyond what I know to be normal), the relief is massive. Keep going, it’s worth it ❤️

Thank you @RosieMolloy and @FfeminyddCymraeg . I've definitely had my worst day yet - but hopefully this was the worst of it. Lucky to hsve the people around me that I do. I have a private counselling session booked in for tomorrow too!

I read Lily Bailey's book (don't read it just yet) about her personal experience with OCD and she found it almost always got worse as she sought help, so the fact that having made that step has worsened your symptoms is not unusual I think.
Keep posting if it helps.

Today is a better day! I've been doing reading, talking, listening. I've resisted washing my hands since 9.30am even though I wanted to. I've also held my sons hand and had him on my knee whilst playing 🥰

Oh love. I'm with you on this.

I've started getting bad recently. I convinced myself that I'd dropped an antidepressant tablet (none missing, it's just that taking them is such an ingrained activity now I don't actually think about it if that makes sense).

Cue me turning the house upside down. Hoovering every inch, videoing myself doing it so I knew it had been done. Stripping the kids off into their pjs as soon as they got home from school incase they were 'contaminated' with something. This went on for about a week; which seems like nothing but my eldest son turned round to me and said 'mummy this has to stop' and made me promise. Seems like a simple solution but it broke my bloody heart.

My latest 'obsession' now is that I had my smear this week so I'm convinced it's going to be the worst news. Starting private therapy Wednesday and GP today has upped my dose of AD and propranolol.

You are absolutely amazing for powering through this because there is nothing more terrifying than battling with your own mind every day, OP.

Glad you are getting the help too @whataballbag , it's so hard isn't it. I can understand it breaking your heart about your son.. mine isn't old enough yet but I think he's definitely clocked on that something isn't quite right 😭 I want to be better for him, as well as myself and my DH.

It's so bloody hard!! How are you feeling now?

@whataballbag I'm come home tonight (had been staying elsewhere for a couple of nights). My son has settled down to bed but this will be more challenging for me now I think being here. Just going to try and power through and use the techniques I've learned so far! I have to accept the risk of my fears! How are you this evening?

I'm ok. Felt a bit squiffy earlier with the increased propranolol dose (I took 20mg instead of the new 40mg prescription and I'm glad!). Gp said to up my AD dose today too, but I'm a bit reluctant to up both at the same time, as I won't know which is causing me to feel 'off'.

You can absolutely do this. Did you say you were in therapy?

Ah yes, I can see what you mean. You know what's right for you!

No not yet, I have my assessment with my local IAPT service next week! I've been listening to podcasts though and had a brief chat with a counsellor who told me breathing techniques and things like that to help me in the moment. Not the best evening but only a little hand washing when I changed my sock and plaster!

@Helpimgoingmad so pleased to hear you had a good day. Take every win to power you through the tougher days and remind you of how good it felt to feel better 😊

Sorry @whataballbag forgot to tag you!

Thank you, this is what I need to do @FfeminyddCymraeg I am going to have to have a shower later so I need positive thinking and remember how well I've done so far. I'm conscious or not doing too much too soon, I don't know what the right pace is as I haven't seen anyone yet!

Hi @Helpimgoingmad I know someone going through something similar and is looking to seek help. I was wondering how you are getting on now? Hope you are feeling much better.

Hi! I'm doing much better thank you, I still have some absolutely shocking days but overall they are definitely better than when at my worst. I've been on the Sertraline for 7 weeks now and have only had my assessment with my local IAPT service and am now on the waiting list for CBT. I feel like I've made a lot of progress on my own but now seem to have hit a wall and am struggling to get further on my own!

Good to hear you are doing much better. Sorry to hear you still have bad days. Hopefully CBT will help. My relative is struggling to seek help as they are anxious to admit they have anxiety. They see themselves as needing to be strong all the time and blmes themselves for the anxious thoughts - thinking they should be able to control them. I will encourage them to see their GP. Wishing you all the best with therapy so you can start to live the calmer life you deserve.

Yes, going to the GP's for help was the best thing I did!! I wish I'd done it sooner rather than it building up to breaking point for me! If they've told you how they feel, could you go with them? I wrote everything down because I cried every time I spoke about it, so she could just read it from my phone. Hope they seek help soon x

I do not think you're cuckoo at all.
It sounds very much like OCD. It causes alot of irrational thoughts like this. I have OCD and my teenage son. My sons has been very debilitating but currently on medication and having ERP/CBT.