Understand why you dont like meds,its one step to acknowleging you need help. But youve already done that by posting on here?
Dont know your details (dont even know what OH is )but if this is making you cry every night then you need to take it seriously.
I dont believe anyone " deserves to be a mum ",its not an entitlement, its a thing you become, and for that you need tools, meds (maybe)but certainly a soft place to fall,support and possibly helpful counselling.
You are a mum, but you need to look after yourself well first so you can do the job.
Ive spent years feeling shitty, because ive not taken my own advice but you can do better, you really dont have to put up with it, go and get some help - docs ,surestart, counselling. best wishes