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Original poster

Dh memory problem - should I be concerned

81 replies

Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 27/12/2022 00:22

Not sure where to put this thread. I have chosen here as his problem is affecting me a lot.
im unsure if I should be concerned or annoyed at dh but think I am more concerned.
his memory is really a problem and I don’t know what it could be? I have said it’s like he as dementia at times as that’s the only way I can describe it. I have wondered if he has adhd or asd so maybe this could be it but what else could it be? Should I be concerned or he is just being a man and not listening to me?

he often says things and then doesn’t remember he has said things or we discuss things and he doesn’t remember and asks the same again.
ita really hard to live with and I don’t understand it. We were just with my dad and he asked my dad if he had read the card my son had written to him with a lovely verse in and I had to remind my dh that my son had read it to hi. Earlier. He had no clue that had happened but it was only a few hours earlier and he sat and watched him do it..

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Newlifestartingatlast · 28/12/2022 14:18

Does he snore? If so also check out sleep apnea. Constant sleep deprivation and lack of oxygen during sleep can also cause significant memory issues, as well as low level depression and irritability. A tracking device on phone or smart watch may give indication…but if he does snore worth pushing for asleep assessment at sleep clinic too.
worth ruling that out too.
im not sure I understand why it would be getting worse if it’s ADHD type stuff.

without fail, please start to keep a detailed diary of these events. Whatever it is that will be very useful info for medical diagnosis.

HairyKitty · 28/12/2022 14:28

@Newlifestartingatlast personal experience tells me these types of adhd symptoms can worsen with age, maybe it’s years and years of grinding against it

Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 28/12/2022 15:16

No snoring and he sleeps well (although often goes to bed a bit late but when he’s out he’s out!)
the physical forgetting things is the same I would say but the forgetting and conversation bits I think have been worse but then again I am unsure if it’s just because I notice it and once you notice something you see it more often.
I think as well it’s having children and so more plans and chaos in a house has maybe made it more difficult for dh. He cannot seem to remember the times of the classes they go to each week even though they have been the same and often had to ask me what time they need picking up.
recently I explained that me and my daughter were going somewhere to see my son in a play and that his ticket was the next week.. he only went and turned up on the same day as me and I had to send him home..

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Anotheanon · 28/12/2022 15:39

He needs to take some responsibility for this too. My memory is getting worse this last year or so. I am also being a nightmare for double booking myself as for example next Tuesday and the 3rd of Jan are two completely different days so I can book two different things on those days.
I know I need to speak to someone about it but I am managing at the moment by sending a confirmation text when I am told something that I need to remember and by keeping everything in my calendar on my phone. I still make mistakes but am accepting that it’s usually my fault and not getting angry at others because of it.

Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 28/12/2022 15:56

I agree. His responsibility is patchy. Sometimes I get a sorry I can’t help it and other times I get a lot of deflection “but you do xyz” and I have to remind him we are not talking about me but him.
with the Christmas present cock up what made me more mad and as to why this is the final straw to seeking help is that once again it wasn’t met by a genuine sorry he had messed up but questioning me as to the details of when I had told him this, as if he didn’t believe I had done so. That really made me mad as he then kept saying how he was only trying to do something nice. It’s awful to say but I told him not to play the victim. I hadn’t said it wasn’t nice I said I understood what he was trying to do but he had got it very wrong and I was once again concerned. It took a lot of arguing as he kept making out I was being un great ful and I wasn’t standing for it as I did not respond in this way. He told me what would have been a nice response from me and I told him that was exactly how I responded. He didn’t know how to answer that.
I felt he was trying to talk his way out of it and take no blame whereas all I want is accountability and genuine sorry and I would fully support him but he is so angry with me.

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HairyKitty · 28/12/2022 17:17

OP did you do the adhd screen? I think there’s a basic dementia screen available as well

Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 28/12/2022 18:29

I did yes and it’s said to seek advice for adhd although I can’t answer the questions like question 6 as I would have no idea if that’s how he feels and I’m guessing a few others but no the certain ones like appointments
will see if I can find a dementia one too. He does fidget a lot too (bounces his foot all the time for example) which when you put things together goes more this way plus he doesn’t like the feel of some things and noise so I can see a few sensory issue too

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Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 29/12/2022 12:46

Spoke to the dr as I had to go anyway today and I’m a bit confused. They did say to bring him in if concerned but could be a man thing also. Men don’t listen etc so I felt quite foolish if I’m honest.

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Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 29/12/2022 12:48

She did say it was likely to be adhd if dad has it though and dementia to look for cognitive things like days of the week etc which he does t suffer from. Also mention stress. I will keep a diary and mull it over. She said to make sure I get eye contact when I speak but I have done that and it doesn’t help

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HairyKitty · 29/12/2022 14:36

It’s not a man thing at all, gp hasn’t understood how significant and unusual the issues are.
The easy way to rule out adhd is to get a diagnosis and try medication. If a few different meds don’t work it’s not adhd. If they do then it definitely is.
Coukd you try private for a quick solution and also get an nhs referral?

Muchtoomuchtodo · 29/12/2022 17:32

That GP sounds very patronising and not well informed about how young onset dementia can present.

please try to get a second opinion

Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 29/12/2022 22:53

I’m going to keep a diary first I think so I don’t sound silly. With the adhd meds though @HairyKitty they didn’t do anything for my dd so we didn’t need them and now she is older it’s more the forgetful traits and hyper focus so I often wonder if hers is adhd although I can see she is neurodiverse so even she is confusing

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euff · 30/12/2022 07:26

I'm sorry the GP was so dismissive but not surprised. Do agree with building a picture and a history to support you. I'm always amazed when I see people on tv who got a diagnosis and are still by appearance functioning very well and able to talk about it themselves and wonder how they or their families managed with getting the diagnosis.

Eilan50 · 30/12/2022 09:02

Sorry you've not had better help from the GP @Forgoodnesssakemeagain
It sounds like she didn't get how big an issue this is. Keeping a diary is good idea, as is getting hearing checked.

Lot of it sounds ADHD related however, from what you've said, it appears to have got worse which you would not expect. You would have noticed years ago if it had always been at this level.

It sounds like something else is interfering with his cognitive functioning and the most common is stress or depression. Both of these conditions take up headspace and affect the ability to focus, concentrate and take in information, and if he does have undiagnosed ADHD then he's already compromised in those areas.

I see many people who have some of the issues you're describing and it's related to considerable stress. So it's worth considering this and looking into what's going on at work, at home etc. Often people don't realise they are suffering from stress or depression as they don't have "classic" symptoms but it can manifest in cognitive difficulties. Has he had a promotion or new work role over last year or 2? Is he taking more responsibilities at home? If he has undiagnosed ADHD he may be struggling at work.
Just some things to consider.

Good luckFlowers

Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 30/12/2022 11:03

Thank you and I agree I think stress and depression are playing a part too and have spoken to him about it and changing his lifestyle but he won’t hear it.
he has had a promotion and has been stressed with work for a while now and it’s always going to change “I’m a few months” and it never changes.
his dad also passed away a few years ago and the circumstances caused a lot of anger and stress too, he also won’t hear that he has changed since then too.
I feel it could be a combination of both- adhd and stress. I will keep that diary these these two in mind to see if I can build a more informed picture but it’s very hard when he won’t hear any of it

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HairyKitty · 30/12/2022 14:23

@Forgoodnesssakemeagain If it is adhd then years of significant undiagnosed untreated adhd can take its toll, the majority of adults seeking an adhd diagnosis have previously been prescribed more than one type of antidepressant, so depression following from adhd can easily worsen the adhd symptoms

PokemonPasta · 03/01/2023 18:08

Does he have any mood changes? I had a friend with similar memory stuff so was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder.

Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 04/01/2023 19:41

Not really other than being grumpy lol.
i can see he’s been trying hard all week and nothing major to note but then tonight I ask him if he has cleared dates at work and he asks what for? I asked him to have a good think to see if he could remember and he couldn’t so I had to remind him of a few conversations about a mini break and booking it and he needing to know if he could take time from work. He doesn’t remember this. One conversation was a while back but the other two were this week with him saying to let him check work.
i don’t know how to live with it as how do I know what he will remember and what he won’t etc. I know people forget but it’s very hard to have a connection when this happens such a lot

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Playfulpups1 · 04/01/2023 20:17

@Forgoodnesssakemeagain this is an exact example of the benefit of following up a planning convo with a text message.
You need to assume that he won’t remember anything important

Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 04/01/2023 20:29

Do you mean to make him remember or to prove the conversation took place?

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Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 04/01/2023 20:33

It’s hard to get my head round when we have had several conversations about it

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FinallyHere · 04/01/2023 20:36

i don’t know how to live with it as how do I know what he will remember and what he won’t etc.

Would he be open to writing a diary or just a list of 'things to do'. I'm constantly surprised by how many people rely on their own memory to know what needs doing.

I keep notes for each project or would never remember anything g.

Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 04/01/2023 20:44

He has tried to and it’s starts with good intentions and then he may forget to do that too it’s all inconsistent so hard for me and I imagine him too.
I did get into a state of asking and remind and as he said “nagging him” which I addressed as the word “nag “ is so offensive. I told him how hard it is for me to rely on him and leaves me not knowing what to do. I have sat back and not reminded him of things now that generally do not impact me or the kids but if it would impact us I have to remind or ask.

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Eilan50 · 04/01/2023 20:49

If it's at the level of having no recollection of whole conversations at work then he must be struggling and people will be noticing.
That's IF he's like this at work too.........

Original poster
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 04/01/2023 21:03

@Eilan50 I can’t know this but I do know he remembers facts and figures type conversations and his work is very data driven and he works a lot so he may just be good at this type of remembering.
I don’t doubt he doesn’t remember - he looks completely baffled at times! Plus as I said has a long history of forgetting items and things like leaving the hob on, iron on, keys in the door etc

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