Dh memory problem - should I be concerned

[Forgoodnesssakemeagain]

Not sure where to put this thread. I have chosen here as his problem is affecting me a lot.
im unsure if I should be concerned or annoyed at dh but think I am more concerned.
his memory is really a problem and I don’t know what it could be? I have said it’s like he as dementia at times as that’s the only way I can describe it. I have wondered if he has adhd or asd so maybe this could be it but what else could it be? Should I be concerned or he is just being a man and not listening to me?

he often says things and then doesn’t remember he has said things or we discuss things and he doesn’t remember and asks the same again.
ita really hard to live with and I don’t understand it. We were just with my dad and he asked my dad if he had read the card my son had written to him with a lovely verse in and I had to remind my dh that my son had read it to hi. Earlier. He had no clue that had happened but it was only a few hours earlier and he sat and watched him do it..

I think I’d be a bit concerned.

I would book a phone call with your GP to discuss.

It could be extreme stress, and I’m sure some other things, but check it out.

Has he always been like this? If not, then it's concerning and he should speak to his GP about it. It could be nothing but getting older or it could be a symptom of something especially if there are other unusual issues you've noticed.

It's definitely not something to be annoyed with him about unless you think he's deliberately choosing to forget things.

regardless of age yes i'd be concerned.

Thanks yes I’m trying to work out if he is simply not listening or medically something is going on. I may have to visit the go then as I feel I’m a breaking point with it. He gets really cross with me which I think is unfair.
he has always had a problem with remembering things like- where he put his phone and forgetting keys in the door etc and since we have had dd diagnosed with adhd I have thought this may be the same for dh but the memory forgetting as in words etc has got worse the past few years.
equally his job has got more stressful and his dad passed away so I have wondered about depression but he won’t discuss anything.
he got me an expensive present Xmas day and it’s been the final straw- it was a present I specifically asked him not to get me (various reasons I explained three times to him over the past few months) I thought I had that covered as I had talked to him and directly said don’t buy me…
I was shocked to open and find it there and even more shocked that he had no recollection of the three conversations about it.
he was very angry with me as he said he was trying to do something nice but o felt blindsided and worried at the whole situation

We are in our 40s. My
mum said it’s just men they forget or don’t listen..

Doesn't sound like a "just men" situation. You're right to be concerned. He needs to seek help for his memory issues, even if it's to become aware of it.

Thanks, yes I think it’s a bit concerning but it’s hard as he doesn’t and says most men don’t remember these sort of things. Makes me feel like I’m not being listened to like he has zoned out when I am talking but when it’s something that holds his interest he remembers

Start keeping a note of these very specific things while you try to get him to speak the the GP about it.
Young Onset Dementia is relatively uncommon but still very real and does present in some different ways to what we commonly think of as dementia.

Yes I have started to keep a note now of it thanks. Do you know any more info on this and the differences as that is a worry to me also

I read recently tha 95 percent of ADHD is genetics so it is likely that he does have it. I have it too and forgets mainly the same things over and over. My husband and son thankfully help me locate stuff or remind me of appointmentsThere are strategies he can be encouraged to try- lists, put things in the same place, get him a basket by the door for keys, phone etc.

it may be worth bearing in mind he isn’t doing it deliberately. Indeed if he does have ADHD then poor memory just adds to the mental load making life even more difficult. I am very aware of how much my ADHD annoys other people.

Re ADHD v dementia, I suggest you audit with him some of the other signs of ADHD, which are probably more obvious than dementia. If he doesn’t have other signs, it may point to the dementia being the problem.

Thanks again and yes I think it may point to more adhd which I have been wondering for some time. I just feel after Christmas Day I can’t ignore this any more as it’s taking a toll on me. Honestly if it is for example adhd I will understand and try to be more patient but it is very hard on me as often it has an affect or consequence for me. I suppose it depends what he forgets.. for example tonight he forgot something I asked him to get whilst at the shops (I asked him to write it down and thought he had done but he didn’t actually write that item down) so that meant I didn’t have it to eat.. (I let that go and forgot about it as wasn’t too big a deal)
but then he doesn’t remember other things like for example us talking about something and then a short while later him asking about xyz and I’m like we just talked about that! It feels there is not a connection between us as he repeats what I have already said..
he can also forget Important things (I remember when he took my car keys to work and I was locked in the house all day!)
and most importantly when I do say something or express frustration he says I’m over reacting or being over the top and I can’t take that anymore as I really do not think I am being. I think I am so confused and trying to work out what the hell is going on for my sainity and to help

When you remind him of conversations (eg about the present) and he says he has no recollection, is he then apologetic, embarrassed or concerned in any way?

because if he isn’t then I’m sorry to say that he just sounds like a gaslighter who is lying to cover up his own guilt at not listening to you.

I mean, seriously, my 6 year-old tries the “I don’t remember you telling me not to do that Mummy” bullshit and I don’t accept it from him..

It depends on the circumstance- he does say sorry but he is quite frustrated and cross so it feels like he is blaming me. I think he feels embarrassed and confused so gets angry and I try to put myself in his shoes- imagine if you couldn’t remember conversations and they had a consequence and you have no idea. It must be horrible and you would question what’s going on. But I’m not sure whether he can accept it- who knows I could be the gas lighter after all?!
I am not but I am looking at his perspective. The Christmas Day one he actually said something along the lines of if I had told him all this he would have remembered if I had said it all. I then had to ask him if he believed that this conversation had taken place to which he paused. I told him I was really offended and upset as I had nothing to gain by making it up and I was really upset he could even think this. He said he was sorry but he was disappointed and he did look confused. But he goes between sorry and being cross, he does look blank to be honest. But then at times blames me so it’s very difficult.
he did say “ well if you did tell me about not buying xyz why didn’t you then make it more positive by saying ok well I will do xyz with it then” I had to the remind him that was exactly what I did say!

His perspective on an event of often skewed, he said I was cross with him and said I said something in a cross way but I wasn’t and I know how o said it but he can be so literal and read into things

OP has this been going on for years but perhaps becoming more noticeable? It could absolutely be ADHD, have you done a symptom checker?

I don’t think he is saying he doesn’t remember as it happens too
many times and it isn’t over important stuff all the time. Can be a silly chat about what’s for tea tonight that is then repeated so nothing to gas light. And it’s things like leaving keys in the door, the car door open unlocked, the front door unlocked by accident, phone lost, wallet so actual things and verbal things

Next few times you are telling him something that he will need to remember, record it on your phone as a voice note. Tell him you are recording it, and say that you are doing so because he’s had a few episodes of telling you he can’t remember conversations.

Then see if he remembers. If he claims that he can’t recall the conversation, play it to him. The evidence should take out the possibility of accusations and counter-accusations between you.

However it’s my betting that he won’t “forget” any conversations that you have recorded. This will be either because he knows he can’t gaslight in the face of evidence, or perhaps more charitably the conversation will stick in his mind because of the discussion about recording it.

Yes this has been going on for years but I suppose the verbal has been just a couple of years. The physical lost things ever since I met him a long time ago but verbal I would say the past couple of years.

Sorry, the thinking you said things in a cross way when you definitely didn’t can also be ADHD.
Denying he’s agreed to things (example insisting he knows nothing about a holiday you have booked when in fact it was his suggestion in the first place). Forgetting things (continually). Not doing things he says he will. Insisting you never said things when you did. Insisting he told you things when he didn’t. This can all be ADHD (maybe it also matches other conditions but interestingly I doubt the oversensitivity to imagined criticism is in common with other conditions).

I understand where you are coming from but I would have to record our life as it’s very random as to what he will remember and as I say not always vital things.
he doesn’t stand to gain anything from some of the things he forgets.
I have tried to make sure he listens as I’m wondering if his mind wanders elsewhere when I talk sometimes but I’m unsure what works as I got his attention about the Christmas thing and spoke directly to ensure it sunk in but it seems that failed.

Also in my experience if it’s adhd the symptoms can become noticeably worse with age.

Anything that is important or impacts on you or other people you have to follow up with a text message (whilst feeling spiteful and petty as you type it!)

Yes to all of these things! He often Mis hears what I say as well or jumps in and interrupts and I have to tell him I’m not even thinking what he is trying to finish my sentence off with.. so these things have consequences as if he mis hears he will take an action I didn’t want..
he puts things off so much u less it’s something he is into and then it’s a million percent all in

Why a text message?