Want to die- psychiatric medication has ruined my brain and body

[ladylalatub]

For the last 12 years, I have been on five different antidepressants and for the last three years, I have been on two different antipsychotics. I have gained a lot of weight over the years (firstly on the Mirtazapine I was prescribed), but especially on the first antipsychotic (Olanzapine) to the point where now I am morbidly obese. In the last few years, I also feel like my brain is frazzled and I can't concentrate on reading books as much as I used to. I also used to write poetry and monologues but I struggle to focus enough to get anything down now. Years of mental illness have ruined my life and knocked my confidence down. I just don't see the point anymore.

I hear you OP and I send you love.

Have you had any blood tests lately?

I’m so sorry, OP. That must be hard.

I'm due for some blood tests, as I have to have them annually due to being on an antipsychotic. I'm currently taking Aripiprazole (10mg daily).

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Fwiw I understand. I've been on antidepressants for 30 years and now have protracted withdrawal syndrome if I try to reduce/come off, which means I never can. My legs are swollen with water retention I'm obese due to combination of eating disorder and the fact that my anti anxiety meds have slowed down my metabolism. I've lost bone in my gums and I too used to be able to write.
Could you try to think what would mean the most to you - fitness? Joining a creative writing group/challenge online?
I think as we age we have to change our expectations of ourselves anyway. With meds causing physical and mental limitations, I believe I have to grieve what hasn't been and find ways to work with what I have now. I am coming off the anti anxiety meds but can't the others.
Sending love

Are you having counselling at the moment OP?

Also do you have anyone IRL you can talk to about this and about how hopeless/suicidal you feel? Do you have a CPN or access to secondary mental health services?

It could be a deficiency. I have abnormally low vit d and folic acid levels as my body doesn't absorb it (no matter what we try) and I have the same issues as you. Feels like my brains ticking half an hour behind everyone else.

It could also be the tablets though. I'm so sorry op. Have you spoken to your doctor about how they are making you feel? Maybe they need readjusting?

I'm not having any counselling or therapy. I work part time, but cannot afford any private therapy.

I don't really have anyone. As my mental health hasn't been as severe as in the past, the AMHT said there is nothing they can offer and just referred me to the local Mind. But where I work and end up doing lots of overtime, I can't make it to Mind activities during the day. I've got a couple of friends, but they're very busy and I've also lost friends because of my mental health- they just severed contact.

OP sorry to ask
as a veteran of this, I see the fads. Pushing anti psychotics was a thing about the time you got given them. Do you feel it was correct to prescribe them to you and that you benefit from them?

We are here for you, @ladylalatub. It sounds like you're at rock bottom right now. Keep talking to us.

But you need more than your local Mind and some Mumsnet posters to help you through this.

Mumsnet HQ will probably be along with some signposting shortly.

Where are you now? Can you ring 111?

www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/

I feel for you Op. I have name changed for this. I was put on olanzapine at 17 by my doctor after trying several anti depressants. I gained so much weight it was unbelievable. I went from a size 10 to a 16/18 within 6 months. I couldn't work or function. It is an absolutely horrible drug and one that I should never have been put on in the first place.

It sounds like you are in a bad place right now and anti psychotics might be completely necessary but please seek a second opinion. I got stuck in a cycle of going from one med to another and none of it helped address the reasons behind my depression and anxiety. Please see a gp and ask about seeing someone to talk through your feelings. Things can get better even when it doesn't feel like they will.

I feel for you OP. I'm also on olanzapine, fluoxetine and painkillers and as a result have developed painful acid reflux. I think it is mainly the painkillers though. I have also put on weight.

Hello ladylalatub,
We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way, and it's lovely to see everyone rally round with sympathy and support.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
We moved your post from AIBU as it can be quite a rambunctious space, and hope that you'll continue to receive support here.

I did have a psychotic episode at the time and was hearing voices and thought people were going to kill me. That was in 2019 when I got prescribed Olanzapine (10mg daily). I then switched to Aripiprazole (10mg daily) at the beginning of last year. The antidepressants I was prescribed started in 2010. I think the first antipsychotic helped and then I've stayed on one just to avoid having a paranoid psychotic episode again.

Oh I see
I will shut up! They tried to get me on them and I know a few people who felt they were given them unnecessarily.

I wish you all the best. Can you get a psych referral?

I completely understand as I have heard of that happening. I'm speaking to the GP today on the phone. But I know they'll just refer me to the AMHT and that it'll take weeks to hear from them.

I'm so sorry OP I can relate to how you are feeling as I too am on Olanzapine (20mg a day) It's one of those double edged sword situations. For me, on the one hand the Olanzapine has quietened the voices and got rid of the paranoid delusions but on the other hand the weight gain has been immense and I have constant feelings of hunger which never seem to go away.
Food is always on my mind, it's constant and never ending but the Olanzapine has been a godsend to me as I didn't do well on other antipsychotics.
I've been started on Metformin to help control the hunger so will have to see how that goes. Could this be something you could speak to your doctor about?

bmcpsychiatry.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12888-016-1049-5

I take quetiapine and whilst it helps in some ways my concentration is gone. I used to read book after book but now I can only focus on things like a news article before my focus goes. I have been on anti depressants of different varieties for over 20 years and since I was finally taken seriously by the cmht I have been taking anti psychotics for 10 years along with other things like pregabalin. I too put on weight going from a 10 - 12 to a 14. I have an eating disorder too which doesn't help and it's a constant battle. I totally understand and empathize.

My GP has done a referral to AMHT this afternoon. I will bring up the idea of using Metformin for weight loss. I am a bit wary of using these medications for weight loss, because I've heard of adverse side effects like liver damage and harming your metabolism in the long run. A few months ago, I was able to listen to an audiobook and a few weeks ago I was reading a play in small chunks. However, I do struggle with long periods of concentration now- although I can watch TV. Maybe it might be worth discussing getting off the meds, but I'm scared about experiencing another psychotic episode.

It's such a difficult situation, I agree. I've managed to get down to 5mg olanzapine a day and finding the hunger not quite as bad at that dose.

The psychiatrist told me to 'eat smart' on these meds which can help. Hmm.