My children know I am self-harming

[Footlooseandtethereddown]

My oldest has known for a while I think but my younger one (7) knows as well now.
It stops me doing something worse if I’m honest. I’ve no choice but to be here for my kids but there’s precious little in it for me most of the time.
I don’t smoke or drink or anything and I’m a reasonable parent, I hope.
My youngest has just come in the kitchen and tried to get me to go into the living room and I know it’s because she’s worried I’m going to harm myself.
I keep the injuries covered and I’ve only needed medical attention once when it got infected. They aren’t life threatening or anything like that.

but I’m worried about the damage to my dc and also if it would flag any safeguarding concerns if they go to school and disclose I am harming.

Could you do it privately in your bedroom? Where the kids can't see?

How are you self-harming and how did your children find out?
What support are you getting? CMHT?

They never see me do it.
They have seen the marks when I’ve been caught off guard. My arms are pretty covered as I’m harming a couple of times a week.

Seek therapy or speak to your gp. This isn't good for you and certainly isn't good for your dc. What if they start doing it?

I'm so sorry 😟
Please please can't you get some help?
I know you must be feeling terrible about it, but you must know what a horrendous burden this is for your children to bear.
😟

I once had to go to the rescue of a work colleague who called me from the disabled toilet. I'll never forget that day ever.. please seek help and think about how scary this is for your children. The lady in question turned her life right around and is now a counsellor! sending love and strength your way.

I’m worried about the damage to my dc and also if it would flag any safeguarding concerns if they go to school and disclose I am harming

Yes, it is a situation that would concern safeguarding if they disclosed, and that is because it is not a good thing for your children - it will be causing them emotional damage.

When you say the GP is aware but says it doesn’t warrant a referral, have you also disclosed your feelings of this ‘stopping you from anything worse’ i.e. suicide ideation?

Are you on any meds? Do you have any support IRL?

It does sound like your 7yo not only knows, but is actively worried about it.

That's NOT OK, OP, and you know it. I'm a former self-harmer/suicide attempt survivor, so I have a lot of empathy for you, but this needs to be a turning point. I know it's especially hard to get help at the moment, with primary care in the toilet (thanks, Tories) but you must make it a priority. Call your GP surgery, explain what's happening and ask for an emergency appointment. This has to stop.

Thank you.
The GP is aware but is not very interested, which is fair enough. Lots of people are struggling at the moment so I understand services are stretch and I’m not sure anyone can do anything if I’m honest.
Im kind of sticking around for my dc. The SH just helps me to cope right now.
I don’t want them to worry though. I probably need to move from using my arms as they are the part of my body that is easily accidentally exposed.

We're so sorry you're going through this.

We hope you don't mind, but when threads like this are flagged to us – we like to link to some ideas for support.

We wanted to share Mind’s information with you – it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything which might be helpful right now.

Please do think about exploring some of the options in the links above.
Samaritans are there for you too, 24/7, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide

We will need to remove any mention of method.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

It sounds like you do need mental health support and would meet the threshold for your local IAPT service if not CMHT.

You need help with this and your children might too.

If you could be honest with services about what's happening it means that your children can be supported too.

A parent with mental health issues is very frightening for children and this will affect their wellbeing. They don't understand self harm and the complexities of why people SH. I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty or feel worse but to show you that you do need to reach out.

It's possible that they could share this at school and they should feel able to. Please never ask them to keep this a secret.

Having mental health issues isn't a reason on its own for safeguarding concerns to be raised.
Having mental health issues that are not being adequately treated and could potentially impact your children could be.

You can probably self-refer to your local MH service if your GP isn't interested.

No, I’d not ask them to keep it a secret.
It doesn’t meet threshold, I’ve been very open with my GP and they have also treated the infected burns.
There’s not much they can do, and I accept that.

The GP is aware but is not very interested, which is fair enough

But you need to express to them that this is because you are in a situation where you feel hopeless and potentially suicidal.

Are you on any meds? If not why not?

Please see a different GP. Show them what you have written here.

I think it would be good for you if your DC did disclose this to a trusted adult, as you need support as do the DC and that would then be offered to you. You could do this yourself by telling school…

The GP knows.
They asked if I had a plan and I said yes.
They must be absolutely swamped and I have to take responsibility for myself anyway. It isn’t their problem.

I do worry about the impact on my dc. They seem ok at the moment but who knows whether it’ll rear its head at some point.

As someone who had a DM with similar issues, I absolutely beg you to get help.

Beg your GP to refer you to a psychiatrist. Get a credit card to pay for private therapy. Please please do something.

I am nearly 40 and am still paying the price for the trauma of my childhood. My Dm thinks she shielded me from the worst of it, but I absolutely knew. I knew what was going on and spent most of my childhood anxious and in fear.

In the last 10 years I've probably spent over £10k on therapy for myself to deal with this due to the impact this had on me as a child. I now have my own MH issues.

I desperately do not want you to feel guilty by this post, but kids do know, and they are affected.

Can you afford a loan or a credit card to get help privately?

Sorry you're feeling so bad about yourself, I used to self-harm too. Have you looked to see if there are any charities near you that would support you? Could be a counselling charity or a women's centre for example. In some areas there are specific self-harm services run by charities. These are often free or very low cost.

The GP knows.

They asked if I had a plan and I said yes.

They must be absolutely swamped and I have to take responsibility for myself anyway. It isn’t their problem.

This is not right. It IS their problem - it is their job to get you help.

If this GP has failed you then ask to see another. I know it is hard when you already feel overwhelmed or numb but you must advocate for yourself.

It is not your problem that the services are ‘swamped’. You need help. Please go back.

Do you have antidepressants? Did the GP offer you anything at all? How long have you felt this way?

I am so sorry to hear this and I understand self harm from a personal view. I also work with vulnerable children - many have seen parents with Mental Health issues.

Please get help. Your children are affected by it. Just because you don't think they are doesn't mean they aren't. They are probably lying to prevent you from doing it more.

Please see someone. This will live with your children forever. They also want you to be there for them

I’m in a similar situation but don’t think my kids know. They may have seen my arms but I try and keep them covered.

My GP has been excellent and I now have weekly face to face counselling ongoing which is very good. Persevere!

Please reach out and get some help

This is going to affect your children more than you realise and it's not healthy for them to grow up seeing their poor mum harm herself. They must be worried sick

I saw my mums self harm injuries and it was absolutely terrifying. I lived in a constant state of fear that she would need help. Please, please, please see a therapist for help. There are lots of charities around that provide subsided care. There’s a charity near me that provides 1 hour a week for £5 with a qualified BACP counsellor. Please search around. Don’t give up. Your children need you. You deserve to live a pain free life.

I know what you mean, I'm still waiting on a referral from 13 years ago (and obe from 3) 😂. It is considered a safeguarding concern, yes, even if the children aren't aware (I have been reported a couple of times for this), but SS were unconcerned after a phone call chat, so don't let that add stress too.

Keep pushing for help. Squeaky wheels and all that... Is there any chance of charitable support in your area, if none through the GP? Have you tried/are on antidepressants?

You need to help your kids feel more secure and safe again. Love bomb them and look happy, no matter how you feel. I know how hard it is, believe me I do, but you must. You can break once they're safely asleep. They need you to look ok right now. Need not want. And, leave your arms be: pick somewhere less visible, while you work on slowing/stopping.

You need to help your kids feel more secure and safe again. Love bomb them and look happy, no matter how you feel. I know how hard it is, believe me I do, but you must. You can break once they're safely asleep.

Excellent advice; this is what I do. I never harm while they are awake. I only harm high on my arms just below the inside of the elbow and while my arms there are a mess, it’s far easier to hide and there is no worry about my sleeve slipping up a bit.