I’m so overwhelmed by work, my boss has now told me she senses I’m burning out and I should ‘talk to someone’ but I’ve no clue if she is right, and if so - what to actually do.
I’ve worked for public sector in a senior management role, for several years. I’ve been very successful; I’m very well qualified for my role and have decades’ worth of experience in this area of work. I know what I’m doing and I can do it well, and I (usually) enjoy my job. I lead a large team of 20+ people and take pride in my team being successful and progressing in their own careers.
The last 18 months, things at work have just gone downhill really fast. I work for an organisation which is about to merge with another public sector organisation, meaning that for over a year now I haven’t been allowed to recruit to vacancies or even to cover maternity leaves, so I’ve had to work extra hard at motivating what’s left of the team, plus covering some maternity leave roles (one at my grade, one at higher than my grade) for a year apiece myself.
Various members of the team have become overly stressed and gone on long-term leave with stress themselves, making the day-to-day situation even worse for the rest of us. At one point we were working at 40% manning for 4 months, but still had to meet the same deadlines etc (deadlines set by the government, so not something I could renegotiate or just miss). The team members who still come to work every day are fed up and demotivated and I’ve run out of ideas to keep them happy as I can offer them precisely zero – I can’t even tell them ‘things will be better after the merger’ as we know there will be redundancies next year.
Some members of the team, for whom I fought long and hard for HR to offer them decent contracts over recent months, are now so angry that they are rude and disrespectful to me on a daily basis – the other day one of them cried in a call and accused me of being patronising and after the call I sobbed for an hour – I’ve never been accused of being patronising in 35 years of management and it was probably their own anger talking but then I’ve spent days wondering if they’re right and doubting myself…
Two weeks ago I was called to a meeting with HR to say that as thrilled as they are with my work, they have to make cost savings as part of our upcoming merger and so when they renew my fixed-term contract next month it will be at a lower grade and approx. £7k a year less money. There is no negotiation, they can absolutely do this (I am actually a union rep and they are not breaking any rules as they are reworking the job description so it is technically a different job). Take it, or leave it.
I’m utterly devastated. I simply cannot believe this is happening. It’s not actually about the cash as I’ll still make a half-decent salary, although it will definitely mean changes to the family standard of living (have a child who wants to go to university this time next year and not sure how I’ll pay for this, etc). But I feel utterly devalued and demoralised, it’s as though someone flicked a switch. I can’t sleep, I can’t think straight and the other day couldn’t even string a coherent sentence together in a senior leadership team meeting, and made an excuse about feeling unwell and left. I’m ridiculously tearful and suddenly angry and shouty at my children. I am in complete despair as I have no options other than to take their ‘offer’ and keep trying to manage a team who are themselves exhausted and upset.
My boss told me to take some time off, I took a couple of vacation days last week and literally just sat and stewed over this. I’m constantly in ‘react’ mode and I can’t seem to get past the hurt and the upset in order to step back and think about things rationally.
My only option is to go and get another job but at my age I really don’t want to have to do that – I love the work itself and was planning to stay in this or a similar role for another 5 years or so and then happily retire. I feel as though I’ve lost all control over my life and cannot set any boundaries for myself as work simply won’t/can’t respect them. I just can’t do this any more and I want it to stop – I’m not suicidal, but I just keep hoping something will happen and I don’t wake up one morning. I’ve spent this weekend reviewing my life insurance policies and writing a list of ‘things to do’ for my husband if I die, I’ve realised that the rest of the family would be far, far better off financially if they had my insurance money than if they had me earning a lesser salary. And then I sit and think how utterly ridiculous it is that I’m in this position…
A friend has told me that ‘you’re not paid to have feelings’ and I realise she’s right. So do I just need to get over this? But if so, how do I get out of this ‘reaction’ mode and move forward?