Tell me if you're happy or content with your life and why

[MiniHouse]

Hi everyone,

I'm feeling a bit down at moment. Everything feels a bit meh, but nothing major. I feel like I'm rarely content, always seeing the negative.

I want to hear if you're generally happy with your life, why, what is it about your life that you like. Especially if you're happy in spite of things now being perfect, I'd love to know why, for inspiration 🙂

I know how lucky I am.

I live alone in a lovely house with a dog I adore. My partner and I are good to one another. I have a small handful of friends that I genuinely trust and love. I have a job I'm good at, that pays enough for me to feel financially secure and save for the future, where I get to help people every day. I do things every week that I enjoy - pottery class, piano lessons, dance. I lived a very adventurous life in the past, and I'm in a new chapter now of peace and slowness and pleasure.

But more than that I've stopped comparing – stopped paying attention to what other people are doing or having, or expecting myself to always be chasing the next thing. Even with all of the above, I used to feel less-than, discontent, disappointed in myself. And it was all because of comparison and a need to be constantly striving for 'the next thing' instead of enjoying where I was.

It's a practice, not something that comes easily to me. But I take time constantly to look around and remind myself of how lovely the little things are, and how proud my past self would be of where I am now.

I think I'm happy despite lots of things being very far from ideal in my life. (Won't go into those.) I used to be depressed for years but feel pretty constantly fine these days, except for when there is good reason not to. I taught myself ways to increase happiness. Such as:

I get a massive amount of happiness from ordinary everyday things. Take real pleasure from a good cup of coffee, a cuddle with the cat, the sight of sunlight through autumn leaves, watching parakeets and foxes in our garden, a walk with a friend, exercise classes, hearing a lovely piece of music on the radio, watching a stranger's baby or toddler grin or squeal with delight at something.

I create small, doable projects for each season of the year, so there's flexibility in when they are done. Then I do them. Stuff like redecorating a room in the house, or taking on extra work to pay for a holiday or doing Dry Jan or C25K etc. I write them down at the start of the year or the season and get a lot of pleasure from reviewing them and seeing what I have achieved. Even if they are tiny - like tidying kitchen cupboards.

I aim to have one tiny thing a day to look forward to (meeting a friend or doing a favourite exercise class or even something good on TV) one small thing each week - going on a hike or to the theatre or a get together with old friends or family, a bigger thing each month - going to a gig or away for the weekend , and even bigger thing each season - a holiday or renovation project, climb a UK mountain etc and a big milestone achievement each year (run a marathon, get a book published, move house, get a degree, have a baby etc - anything that makes you feel like your life is changing and progressing.)

Do new things. I haven't done this for ages, but when I feel meh about life, I make myself do something I've never done before every single day for at least a month. Start small - try out a new cafe or walk down a new street or buy a different scent of shower gel. Listen to podcasts by people you don't agree with, tune the radio to a station that plays music you don't usually choose. Keep upping your game until you are doing things you never thought you'd do. Don;t worry about it making you feel instantly happy, just do it anyway and keep a note somewher ein a notebook or on your phone or laptop, of which of the new things you enjoy and would do again.Then make sure you include them in your regular life.

Other good tips are: accept and forgive yourself for your faults. I have ADHD, I spent decades berating myself and feeling ashamed of always losing my keys, my purse, forgetting people's birthdays etc. Now I know I can't help it. I would give anything to be born organised, and I hate that it drives other people around the bend and they think I'm flaky but I also know that it is a processing disorder in my brain and really, I can't help it. So I no longer get angry with myself about stuff I can't change, and that is very liberating.

Also totally agree with @dumbstruckdumptruck that not comparing yourself or your life to other people's is very good for happiness.

Happiness comes from loving and accepting what you have and who you are even if it requires a good sense of humour too.

I suffered child job abuse. Narcissistic parents, very blurred boundaries and was taught to absolutely pander to boys and then men. Was groomed and repeatedly raped as a teenager by a family friend. Ended up in an incredibly violent relationship with a small time drug deal. H has a cocaine addiction. Break down. He went to prison for such extreme violence and rape. I then met a wonderful man a year or two later ( I had two babies). Our life together was very hard to start with as I was such an emotional wreck. But he gave me to curate to go to the police about the child hood sexual abuse. Then to get therapy and that my mental health issues. I got a diagnosis of bipolar and CPTSD. The first 5 years of our relationship was tough. But 15 years on our life is just wonderful.

I had very intensive therapy and am now managing my mental health holistically. I have developed several physical ailments and have become partially restricted to a wheel chair depending on the fluctuations of my condition . But I am so happy regardless. I've really learned to be grateful for the small things. My children and those in my family are healthy ( but are for the majority, Neuro divergent). I tend to get abroad once a year ( on a shoe string bargain budget break). I am SO loved by my husband that it makes me dizzy. I love him so fiercely that it takes my breath away. 3/4 Our children have left home now and he's doing well in his job so next year we have booked a holiday on our own. Nothing fancy, a self catering trip but I am excited for our future. He will be retiring in 7-8 years and we have plans.

I find real joy in gardening. The smell of smoke on the crisp air at this time of year. I get pleasure watching kids collecting conkers in the fields that I did the same in as a child. Stroking my dog and feeling absolute love. Giving to charity, even if it's just donating a few craft projects that I've made to raffle off. I'm grateful every day that I am no longer addicted to drugs and I have the life I do.

I still have bad days. Some are terrible. But I know they aren't permanent.

Aside from not having any savings I’m happy with my life. 2DCs, eldest moved out a year ago and working and enjoying his life. Teen is happy at school and has friends. I have a job in a school and get 3 months of work every year. I laugh, I cry, have anxiety/depression which is probably caused by being 49 and hormonal (GP couldn’t say for sure). 2 cats and fish. Live could be better (I could live by the sea but I live in a city, not in a nice part)but it could be a bloody lot worse

I love this. How did you stop comparing to others. I feel like it happens almost subconsciously in areas of interest. How do you ignore or avoid that?

Thanks for this. I love the idea of trying new things. I think it can help, like I took a new path on a walk and somehow it cheered me up!

I love my life. Pretty much always have. Because I always look on the bright side of everything.
Currently...

1. I love love love being divorced. Peaceful, no resentment, no negativity, bliss.
2. I love dating. Great fun. Start of a new relationship and all the loveliness that brings.
3. I love my house.
4. I love my commute - a walk along a river.
5. I have hobbies and friends.
6. My children are thriving.

I could go on. Basically I have many many things to be grateful for and those are the things I think about.

There's probably things that aren't perfect, but I don't dwell on them, just always look forward.

I'm so sorry for your past experiences. I'm also incredibly humbled at how you have managed to make the most of life in spite all of that. I'm happy for you that you found love and you show so much gratitude.❤️

I like the point around remembering bad days are temporary. I think often when I have a bad day, as anyone can, I think everything is wrong and blame myself. I think I'll write a reminder to myself that it's just a bad day. 🙂

I'm very happy with my life. I have a serious mental illness that requires lifelong medication but I work very hard, I need work to feel happy.
I own my own home.
I dont have romantic relationships because they .are me feel ill and set off my mental illness.
I have two cats and nice friends.
I moved to a place in the UK I've always wanted to live 3 years ago and it was a good decision.
All in all I've found a way of life that suits me and I'm happy.

Honestly, I just make my mind up to not complain or whinge about small issues. When I find myself slipping, I try to do better.

I get that it’s all very objective etc, but I find that making a contentious effort to try and not always see the negative really helps.

As an example, I was bringing shopping in from the car last night in torrential rain and got drenched, but focused on how lucky I was to be able to buy all the food my family needs as well as nice things we want, and could spend the night in a lovely warm, dry, safe, comfortable house.

I don’t have mental issues but my DH does and when he’s able to do this, he finds it really beneficial.

I think that if you suffer with anxiety/ depression/ other mental health disorders, then it is not totally in your power to ‘make your mind up’ to be positive or look to the future etc. That’s the very nature of having a mental health disorder. That is not to derail this lovely thread or to undermine the great strength’s people have found to be positive. I do agree that being thankful and enjoying simple things are a great way and can be a great strategy for a happy life. Sometimes I think certain health issues prevent that balanced way of thinking though. And there is a danger of blaming the person who is struggling by implying that they are choosing to be unhappy.

I've actually read the thread now. The comparing point is really interesting. It's just occurred to me that I have never compared myself to anyone else, never thought that someone else might have a better life than me. This must be a massive factor.

It is quite possibly the key.

There is a boy at my swimming club. About 11 years old. He had cancer 2 years ago and survived. I think this is relevant. He is the only child I have ever known who does the following...there was a gala, he came last in his race, he didn't even notice, he asked the timekeeper for his time, and it was a best time for him, he slapped the water in sheer delight. Marvellous. Just happy with himself, that's all he can control. All other children in same situation would have been only focused on the fact that they came last. Not him. He didn't care. He will probably and hopefully always be happy.

Going to new places and getting out a lot is so important me. As well as company so I try to foster good relationships and spend time with family and friends.

I don't think it derails the thread and your point is a good one. I'm sorry if the question implied that contentment is a choice as I appreciate that it's complicated. ❤️

I have pcos that affects hormones and suffer from anxiety. I feel down at the moment. Many would say I am doing well and have only minor things to complain about, for example I'm doing well financially but complicated house move to an area I don't love, fell out with a friend, struggling to conceive, moved job etc.. lots of things making me anxious but lots of success. But having anxiety and some challenges in my upbringing that affect my self esteem I always think I'm not good enough, that I should be and do more and better. And so I asked the question to hear different viewpoints and get out of my own head.

But you could think of it differently. We've all had phases in our life where we were happier or less sad and anxious. What was it about those times or our own actions that made us happier. It's difficult when you feel down to answer that question for yourself so I'm asking others and hoping to share some joy at the same time 🙂

Nobody is happy all the time, so that's an unrealistic aim.
I'm late 50s and we own our house, OK pension provision for retirement, long marriage & we get along fine (but also know that we can both cope alone, as we enjoy our independence).

Still working part-time, plus volunteering, and enjoy hobbies and travel - so lots to keep my mind active.
No kids, which is a huge relief as none of the stress & worry of adult children.
Stuff in the news is all stuff we've seen before, so I take the long view. Just stick to papers & Radio 4 because TV news is dumbed down, patronising & scare-mongering.
No family (thank God!), but a small number of good friends which, to me, is much more important.
I look at others, and realise how fortunate I am. But I'm also not afraid of death - comes to us all, so what will be will be.

Im happy as in my 50s I live the way I want to. It wasn't that way in younger years, and fir too many years.

Im self-employed and also have occasional part-time contract work. I love my work. DCs have grown up, we get on very well they visit quite often.

DP lives 15 minutes down the road we have a good relationship. I get the 'but WHY' dont you live together? questions at times but, why do we need to? My home is calm, decorated as I want it, I've nobody else in the home to consider etc. I dont want to live with a man so, I don't.

I love nice things but Im not consumed with having loads of 'stuff' or the latest gadgets so I think that helps mindset.

I have a zero-tolerance policy on bitchy, moany, toxic, judgmental, critical, entitled people. & that includes family members. I figure I only have 1 life so I just dont want disruptive people in it. Too many years of putting up with horrid people just because we're related or I've known them for years. Its been this way for several years but I still wish at times that Id adopted this particular policy far earlier than I did as its been key for contentment.
I have nice friends and a good social life when I want it.

Interesting thread. Made me think about social media too, at times I think it encourages comparison, and thinking everyone has the perfect life. I dont think any of us do really, but happy and contented most of the time is ok.

I work with kids in care. I'm just happy I haven't had to experience 1% of the crap they go through.

It’s a really interesting thread and you make great observations- especially what you say here in your last paragraph. I think about this too. I wasn’t being critical of you at all. Just that some of the answers have been a bit ‘make your mind up to be positive’ and I think that’s absolutely the crux of it. Sometimes you can’t. And I think that’s what you’re looking at when you say- is it our own actions that improve the way we feel. I’m paraphrasing you now. But I think it’s great to think about.

and if I can go a bit broader still- this is why I think it’s so important to reach out to others to offer help whenever you can. Because you might be that one conversation that helps lift someone into a better perspective. I always try to help others for this reason. And I’m moved when people offer support to strangers on forums like this too.

Thanks everyone. These responses are amazing. I didn't expect to read such fascinating thought provoking things today ❤️It's interesting that there are some similarities like appreciating pets, loved ones, the outdoors. Then there's a focus on trying to avoid comparisons and gratitude for what we have or pain and difficulties we can avoid. Then some things that are unique like enjoying particular hobbies or being happy with a unique situation that works for you.

Anyway I had a better day. After my release from COVID isolation I remembered to enjoy the weather and nature. And I tried to avoid the comparison I had never even realised I was making: am I the ugliest mum in the playground - this thought crosses my mind. I thought no, that's not why I'm here, it doesn't even matter, let's enjoy the sandcastles instead 🙂

I'm sooooo content...,Im just happy with the small
Things. Grateful. I can see when so many can't..,I am alive when people are losing their life every second that passes...I have a child and family.. so many women can't have children. I have legs and can walk or run.. I could write the longest list on what I am grateful for because I have trained myself to constantly look for those things..., it had changed my life, I feel content as a result...nothing else matters than those fundamental joys, I am sooo blessed.

Would love to know how you trained yourself to do this, if you’re willing to share?

Get rid of the idea of being happy. Think content. Like the Smiths say " I'm not happy and I'm not sad".
Having said that, you must enjoy the feeling of happiness when it comes.

I am content. I am very fortunate and have a good life. That's not to say I don't sometimes get annoyed about things but overall I'm very lucky.