Struggling with the urge to unalive myself

[HarriwithanI]

I’m an nhs professional and the last few months been under crisis team a few times. Struggling with intrusive thoughts. Tonight I just can’t stop crying and fighting the urge to not act on my thoughts.
DC are normally home (my actual life savers - I’d never do anything with them here) but because I worked overtime tonight they re with my parents.
Even rang the Samaritans - personally didn’t help.
Had my clonzepam and diazepam to sleep but no joy.
I’m so fed up of feeling this darkness.
sorry to rant just wanted a safe space to write my thoughts.

I used to be on mumsnet regularly under a different username but it’s been a few years to say the least!

sorry for the ramble

It’s so exhausting to feel like that. Please go back to the crisis team for help and keep writing xx

I think I will have too :( it’s just the embarrassment of knowing them from a professional setting to then them seeing me vulnerable in my home :( thank you for your response xx

I don't know the right thing to say Harri, I just want to offer a handhold and let you know you're not alone.

hello lovely,

thank you for sharing with us.

that sounds incredibly hard, I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult situation.

I’m glad you’re still here, you’ve got a lot to give to the world. You are loved, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

working in the NHS is extremely stressful as it is, without the cuts and general lack of funding.

please stay with us, day by day. Minute to minute if it helps.

you’re important, you matter. ♥️

I hope you can get some sleep ♥️

I really appreciate that, thank you 🥺

dont be embarrassed. you are taking responsibility for yourself and doing the right things to get well again Iin order to prioritise your children.
you should be proud of yourself for that so please reach out to those who can help. Sending love and kindness to you Harri x

I appreciate all of you taking the time with your kind words, I feel so silly, I just didn’t know where to turn. I’m so glad I have posted.

This wave of darkness has just come for no reason, never felt so alone.

I just think to myself no one would even realise for days If I did anything because I’ve pushed myself away from everyone x

You're not silly, not at all. The past couple of years have been so stressful and sadly I think those of you working in the NHS have borne the brunt of it. Even people who care need care from time to time. You are also not alone, although I can appreciate how it can feel like that in those waves of darkness. You mentioned your kids are with your parents, do they live nearby?

I understand.

In therapy last year, my therapist told me to feel all the feelings so I could process them and understand them.
he said I’m allowed to feel sorry for myself, and comfort myself like I would my best friend.
it’s hard being kind to yourself when the intrusive thoughts are louder than the kind ones.

I am urging you to please speak with your MH team, they are there to help, and I do understand your concern because you know them, but they will comfort you and listen without judgement. Please don’t let embarrassment stop you from getting the healthcare you need and deserve.

mental health care treatment is no different than getting treatment for any other illness or injury. I’m so glad you reached out this morning.

im listening to the rain, it’s quite comforting. Is there anything you find comforting? Like smells, or sounds?

I do need to get some sleep now, but I’ll be back in a couple of hours. Do you think you can get cosy and comfy with a drink of water and maybe a biscuit?

you truly are not alone, and the world is so much better with you in it. ♥️

They live 15 miles away, they want to have them for the weekend for a church event thing and I don’t drive - it’s quite difficult as they don’t believe in mental health either (?!)

Can feel the meds working now so hopefully I’ll get a couple hours sleep :) thank you for your lovely words x

Sleep sweet @HarriwithanI ♥️🤗

JDEE72, hope you have a good sleep, the rain sounds lovely, I’ve had some diazepam which seems to be working and got some happier music on now :)

it will be daylight soon and things are always a bit easier then in my experience.
I think a lot of us have become a bit reclusive the last few years and it has taken its toll . Maybe make a small plan to ring someone today to touch base even if its just your parents. Do they know how you feel ? And when are your children home ? Could you perhaps join them and let your parents take care of you for a day or two. x

Oh good OP. Sleep well and we are here if you need us

aw cross posted re parents. Hope you get some. good rest now and wake feeling a bit better x

I relate to your post. Just want to give you a hand hold and kind words. Sending you warm thoughts and strength. Glad meds are working. Hope you get some peaceful sleep. All the best.

Please do be gentle with yourself, no self-talk of being silly, you're not silly at all. I hope you get a good sleep and wake feeling rested.

I hope you sleep well.
Please don’t feel embarrassed for knowing the crisis team in a professional setting - if you can, try to think of them as people who will have a very good understanding of the pressures you’re under and also the fact that a lot of people go into this field because of personal experience with mental health difficulties either themselves or with close friends/family.They are there to support you.

Im really sorry it feels so tough right now. My counsellor reminds me to breathe and just take it one breath at a time and do the one thing in front of me. She reminds me that nothing stays the same forever and that it will change and pass. She’s right. I held on and things changed and now I’m glad I’m still here.

sending a hug to you.

Thank you all so much for being so lovely to me, I appreciate it so so much 🖤

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
We already see that you are getting great support from other Mumsnetters which is wonderful - but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
Wishing you the very best 💐
MNHQ

Thank you @HarriwithanI
i eventually dropped off ♥️
I hope you’ve had a wonderfully refreshing sleep ♥️
how are you feeling this morning?

It’s good to know you’re there, too. ♥️ @PipMumsnet

Thank you Pip, JDEE72 I slept a couple of broken hours, today I just feel quite dazed.
My eldest is coming home for the evening to watch the masked dancer with me, so going to put some make up on (I’ve awful red puffy eyes from the crying) and have lots of cuddles. I feel awful how much I rely on my children.

My eldest, 9, is so sensitive and an amazing child. He has a young caters assessment next week so that’s something positive, I really am blessed.

Thank you for the hand holding and online support, I’m so glad I posted, I scared myself with how intrusive my thoughts were last night.

Somebody I know told me that what stuck in his head was the phrase 'this is ideation, not intent'. He'd say it to himself whenever the thoughts hit him, over and over again like a mantra or prayer, and it got him through some of his harder times until he could access more help, OP.

Your friend is very much right.
I’m struggling with sleep since these feelings are back.
Was vomiting this morning but think it’s from being physically exhausted. Films and fort day with ds I think