Struggling with the urge to unalive myself

[HarriwithanI]

I’m an nhs professional and the last few months been under crisis team a few times. Struggling with intrusive thoughts. Tonight I just can’t stop crying and fighting the urge to not act on my thoughts.
DC are normally home (my actual life savers - I’d never do anything with them here) but because I worked overtime tonight they re with my parents.
Even rang the Samaritans - personally didn’t help.
Had my clonzepam and diazepam to sleep but no joy.
I’m so fed up of feeling this darkness.
sorry to rant just wanted a safe space to write my thoughts.

I used to be on mumsnet regularly under a different username but it’s been a few years to say the least!

sorry for the ramble

Unfortunately I’m rural wales and not much help around, it’s the same most places I hear :(

@HarriwithanI
films and fort day sound perfect.

May I suggest you seek out video chat therapists? As you are quite rural, I understand services may be limited. However, it’s an option that may be beneficial for you if in person sessions aren’t accessible.

thinking about you 💐

@HarriwithanI
just checking in, please do let us know how you’re doing, if you’re up to it. If not, just any emoji will do.
lots of love 💐

@JDEE72 its very lovely of you to check in, very much appreciated.
last few days have continued to be a struggle, but had an appt with my GP today (she’s amazing! Sees me weekly, I’ve a new tumour and a lot of physical problems but she recognises how poor my MH is and really makes an effort to check in) she has written to my psych to see why my appt was cancelled and not rescheduled last week.
Taking things a day at a time. Have a biopsy next Monday.

Thank you for your support the other day, it really scared me how overwhelming the thoughts where. You really helped and I’ll always be thankful x

@HarriwithanI

💐

oh you really are going through a lot, I’m sorry to hear you have a new tumour, on top of everything else.
how did the doctor’s appointment go?

do you have a friend who can go with you to have the biopsy?

if not…

there’s always this space if you feel comfortable telling us, we’ll be there at least virtually.

and, you’re welcome… I really hope you never get so low again that it frightens you.
do ask for the therapy, I promise it will be worth it, even if at first it feels all strange and uncomfortable.

from personal experience… having come significantly close to unaliving myself too, on a few occasions…
The best thing to do is keep advocating for yourself. Speak up, be heard. Tell people, your parents, colleagues, friends, that you are not just struggling, but overwhelmed with life and need help. Be brutal, and matter of fact.

be blunt. Don’t apologise for worrying anyone, because it’s about time people showed they care about you, not only when they’re comfortable with what you show on the surface.

the amount of times I’ve heard people say “if only they’d told someone how bad things were”…

may I suggest you write an email, (but don’t send it to anyone) about how you feel unsupported and disbelieved and dismissed? That your parents don’t understand or believe in mental health? That’s so wrong and painful to experience.

my mum died a year ago. When I told her I was taking antidepressants, and starting therapy, she said she was disappointed about the meds.
I explained it was no different from her having all her meds and operations, and it’s helping to heal me. She eventually saw something on daytime tv about mental health issues and treatment… and said she was glad more people were talking about it.

anyway, enough about me and my stuff…

I truly relate to you, though I can’t imagine exactly how you feel, because your experience, though similar to mine, I could never presume to know or ever say I know how you feel.

get some rest, fluids, and enjoy some posh cake before your biopsy (and afterwards 😄)

and I hope I haven’t given unsolicited advice 😅💐🦋

@JDEE72 so sorry I’m absolutely rubbish coming on here. I want to genuinely thank you for your advice and being there for me the last couple weeks in my darkest moments, you truly are an angel and if im honest you saved my life that night. I was ready - and had all the tools for it to be successful. I guess working in healthcare I’ve learnt how to ‘succeed’ - but I won’t go into it too deep. I don’t know how I can thank you enough, I’ve felt so lonely and like no one cares, but I log in and see a reply from you :)

Thats really good advice about the email, I need to get back to writing things down, I’ve unfortunately faced some judgement from work regarding my mental health but I’m fighting it and have an amazing union rep. I would say more but I don’t want to put myself - especially as I stupidly have my username as my name haha!

Biopsy went ok, felt poorly day after, then had another hospital trip, and a couple days unexpected stay with heart issues.

Finally had that appointment and started on a new mood stabilisers so here’s hoping 🤞🏼

I am so sorry to hear about your mum and that you had to go through the stigma too. How is your mental health now? I’m so sorry I feel a bit selfish just going on about me.

@HarriwithanI

I’m rubbish too 💐😅♥️

I’m so grateful we crossed paths as it were, and that you’re still with us.
you’ve had a very traumatic time of things, and the strength it must have taken, to reach out and talk about your feelings, is phenomenal.

I’m so very touched… but overwhelmingly, you’re very welcome, and I’m glad I could help.

its a relief to know you’re being listened to, and that you have some new meds.

the people judging you at work should be reprimanded, it’s nothing short of bullying.

sorry to hear you had an unexpected stay in hospital, it’s a lot to deal with on top of everything else.

and remember, you’re not selfish. You were in crisis, and that’s never selfish.
you did the right thing.

I read somewhere about the guilty feeling when the crisis or depression eases, of feeling like a burden on others for going through it, and doing rounds of apologies for it, or for being absent from chats and society in general.

we have to stop thinking that.
we’re not a burden. We are recovering, convalescing from a severe health condition.

as for me….

i’ve had a rough couple of weeks… but I’m grounding, resting… and opening the curtains in the mornings. I’m walking alongside myself, and being gentle. Thank you for asking ♥️

I hope you have favourable results from the biopsy ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️💐💐💐💐💐💐

very gentle soft and fluffy hugs 🤗

I’m useless coming on here.. can I ask what helps you when you’ve been in crisis?

so I’ve had an eviction notice now for Jan 2023, no reason given, not in rent arrears, and that’s sent me a in a bit of a tizz but I’m leaving it all down to the universe now 🫶🏽

Hi Harri, I've just found this thread and hope you're having a better day today.

That really sucks about your eviction. Clearly it's nothing to do with your behaviour as a tenant, and perhaps the LL wants to sell, but I can't help feeling LLs should have a moral duty to look after our healthcare staff! After everything you've worked through, you should be allowed to rest comfortably after hours. If you do have to leave, then you deserve a beautiful new home with nice shops and parks nearby.

As to what helps alleviate a crisis (and I'm in a bit of one atm as my new job is not going well), perhaps we should start a thread where everyone can add their tips and methods (apart from the GP-prescribed ones, of course)..

I'll start:

Walking while listening to music or podcasts. Got me through my DM''s sudden death.
A marathon of Seinfeld. I've seen every episode so many times, but Seinfeld never fails to put a smile on my dial -- even during my divorce.
A healthy, low -sugar meal such as eggs with salad. I used to reach for chips or sugary drinks, but they just make the sadness worse.
Coming on Mumsnet and getting some hive wisdom!

I'm off to take my own advice (the walk) but will check in with you later. 💐

@groovergirl hope you had a lovely walk. Those are some really good tips thank you :)

I really hope so, I’ve so many memories in this house but everything happens for a reason?