I've had enough and want it to end

[AbsolutelyFuckingSick]

I can't do this anymore, I am broken. My arms and legs are a state from self harming but I can't stop, it's the only way to bring myself out of a flashback. I am in constant pain. I haven't slept for weeks, I'm exhausted. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

I didn't want to read and run. I feel your pain. You need to speak with someone and get some help. Maybe emergency doctor or local crisis team.
It sounds like you have hit rock bottom, and from there the only way is up.
Please reach out and ask for help. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Sending hope and solidarity to you x

Just seen your previous posts. Am sending you a DM

Please please get help. I know it’s hard as I suffer badly too with my MH. Keep going things WILL improve. If you don’t feel safe go to A&E or contact a friend. This will pass.

There will be better days. But for today reach out to someone who can support you right now. Even A&E. Don’t struggle alone. You’re not alone.

This might sound pathetic, but have you tried hypnotherapy? Despite being cynical (or 'resistant' in her words 😬) I found it absolutely life changing in helping me deal with a very traumatic experience in my childhood. Thinking of you and sending love.

Thanks all. I just don't see a way out. What happened haunts me everyday and when I'm this bad there is zero help.
I have been given an appointment with the mental health team....in January. I'll be dead by then.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].
Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
Wishing you the very best 💐
MNHQ

To echo what @spinachmonster said.

When something traumatic happens the mind assigns a part of your subconscious to analyse what happened and why, so that it can be avoided in the future. When there's no answer - because the triggering event was so random, or the people involved are unable to explain their actions - the mind just keeps rerunning it from every angle like a faulty computer.

Hypnotherapy allows you to connect with that part of the brain and tell it to 'stand down' because it's never going to solve the problem so there's no value in pursing an answer. When the mind understands that it can let it go - a client of mine described remembering her trauma as if was covered in oil, it was still there in her memory but slipped away harmlessly whenever she tried to grasp it.

How would I go about finding a hypnotherapist? Sorry if that's a stupid question.

I can send you a list of practitioners who use the above technique - there's no trance involved so you are awake and alert throughout. Most offer a free initial consultation so you can decide if it's right for you.

@Eyesopenwideawake Please could you send the list to me too. Many thanks

You need to contact the MH crisis team if you have one. Otherwise go to a and e

Its very hard to feel absolutely helpless seeing no way out, sorry you are feeling this bad :(
I think you would benefit from some kind of body orientated therapy, like EFT/craniosacral therapy/somatic experiencing/shiatsu. Not sure what a MH team acturally does in the UK but assuming it along the lines of talking therapy and medication and that often isnt enough with the trauma trapped in the body.

Do you know about the film Wisdom of Trauma by Gabor Mate?

Yes please

I think all that's offered is talking therapy, sometimes emdr. The problem is I can't talk about it. No one actually knows what happened, the words just don't come out. If people knew they'd never look at me the same way again

"The body Keeps the score" by Vessel van der Kolk is a great read about how trauma is stored in the body. There are several therapies that are content free too so you don't need to verbally share your experiences, especially helpful if the words won't come out.

@LimpBiskit Do you have any more information about which sort of therapies are content free please? This would really help a friend who is unable to access EMDR and traditional therapies as they are unable to talk about their trauma. Many thanks