I can't do this any more

[DazedConfusedDone]

I'm at the end of my tether. My once DP is chronically ill and now unable to do anything for himself. His life is awful and so is mine. He has just given up, become completely self absorbed and demanding. I work in a busy, FT job and am required in the office several times a week. There's a fair commute involved we have an Infant school aged child.

Our downstairs is now more like a hospital than a home. It is,always noisy. 'D'P has withdrawn from family life and mostly ignores us, except when he wants something and spends his time watching his laptop with the sounds blaring out (despite having headphones). He is oblivious to what's going on around him (through choice rather than illness) and often ends up upsetting one of us through being inconsiderate because he's inside his own bubble. He does not understand the pressure I am under to work, run a house, be a lone parent and carer. He makes requests/demands that I think are unreasonable without any thought to how they affect me. We have has so many arguments alt this recently, but he just keeps doing it. It's like he has completely lost any empathy.

My main problem is that I'm so sleep deprived. I can't go to bed until he does. He wakes me up at least once a night and DC has recently had a spate of waking too and crying (bad dreams or scared of being alone in the night) - I would get just around 5 hours 45 mins, but I am woken 2 or 3 times during the night.

It's making me into a horrible person. I am irritable, sad, resentful and so, so angry. My concentration is off at work, I feel physically week and shaky at times and I utterly hate myself.Tonight I have had a horrendous meltdown when I was woken up. Completely unacceptable. I felt like harming.

We can't go on like this and I'm so scared and so sad. I've asked so many times for some consideration but it falls on deaf ears. Our lives are so restricted and my DC and I sacrifice so much to try and keep us together. I live in the vain hope we can be OK again, but I don't think there's any coming back from this.

I felt like self harming, not harming anyone else, to clarify.

Are you able to look into care outside your home for Dp/DH?

is he in therapy? He should be

Are you in therapy? You absolutely should be.

💐💐💐

Sounds an awful situation, are you getting any help ? I think you need to look after yourself and stop doing everything before you burn out,

We do have carers that come in a few times a day, which means I can leave the house for more then a couple of hours at a time, which is a better position than I was in a few years ago.

He has tried therapy before but didn't find it helpful. He's not very honest though with himself and avoids reality.

I have probably too hastily discounted therapy for myself. I can't see how it will help me when my circumstances won't change.

I find myself in a particularly difficult situation at the moment, it’s not similar to yours but it bares resemblance with the “exhausting responsibilities that I physically can’t walk away from” and I have spiralled from someone who has never had mental health issues to frequent suicidal thoughts. They started coming more regularly, but I didn’t bother reaching out to anyone because of the same reason you describe: they can treat my depression but they can’t make underlying causing situation any different. So what’s the point? But I hit breaking point last week, the thoughts were too loud and too intrusive and it was becoming a bit too real and scary and so I called someone. The GP was ducking useless (no appointment for a week!) but I text a helpline and someone got back to me. The lady phoned me and it was horrendous to speak some of my thoughts out loud but ultimately actually very necessarily to verbalise. And although she was committed to making a plan so that I can get help, her priority when I described what was going on was to get help for the underlying cause.

You absolutely cannot going on the way you’re going and it’s really imperative you put yourself on the radar of whatever organisation or medical professionals are relevant here. Is there support groups linked to DH’s condition? Are his consultants aware of how you are feeling? Definitely try and get an appointment with your GP. The more people you tell (in a professional setting) the more chance someone will pop up with a useful suggestion. And that suggestion could very well be life changing for you.

You are not alone in this world. All of this responsibility can’t and shouldn’t rest on your shoulders. There are people around you who love and care about you and they probably have no idea how much you are struggling and would be more than happy to help in whatever capacity they can.

On a practical level, have you tried cosleeping with your DC? And is there no respite care available? Can you look into care homes?

Hi. Your situation sounds almost untenable. Have you any possibility of partner going into respite care to give you and your child a break? I don't know how your current carers have been engaged but maybe you need to speak to social services about your needs and those of your child? I really think you should do that. Said as retired SW. If your partner is unwilling to consider respite care then he may have to consider that his whole living situation is in danger of breaking down. You do not talk about your emotion for your partner. Does it still draw you to remain?

My apologies if this sounds like prying, OP, but is your partner's condition life-limiting, such as MND?

I ask because a friend is currently going through something similar with her husband - they are relatively young (she late 30s, he early 40s) - and it is very VERY hard, but they have had a huge amount of support from specific charities.

Again, as I say, I don't want to pry, but if you could frame what your partner's condition is, people may be able to give specific advice or points of contact?

@TurtleneckTuna thank you for such a thoughtful response and sorry to hear you've had such a difficult time, too.

I did almost call my GP a few weeks ago and decided it was pointless, so thank you for sharing your experience, that's made me resolved to call on Monday. There are organisations I could also contact relating to his condition that I hadn't thought about. I'm normally quite a logical person but the exhaustion makes it so hard to think clearly and I'm reacting emotionally all the time.

I am fortunate to have some lovely friends and family who very well meaningly offer to have our DC to give me a break. It's not then I need the break from, though, they are my ray of sunshine and it worries me immensely how much all this has an effect on them. Dp's family have walked away from him and do nothing.

I do need to apply for respite care. I need to make that a priority. I had a few nights away in the summer but had to pay privately and that's costly.

His needs are very complex. Realistically, it may be time to look at a care home. As much as I hate this situation, I don't know how I would live with myself, though and I'm very scared of letting go. Perhaps that's where some counselling would help.

Op you sound like you’ve done so much for your partner.

How would he react to a care home?

This will be affecting your DC too, so don’t feel guilty if you go down the care home road.

You’re looking after yourself and your DC, too, after all, and your needs are just as important as his. What’s the point in your DP being at home if all three of you are unhappy?

Perhaps in a care home, your DP might get the therapy he needs? And connect with others going through the same thing as him? It may be a good thing for all?

Oh @AffIt , not at all, I appreciate it. He has a brain tumour. It's inoperable and has left him completely bed bound. It interferes daily with something else, it seems. He really has a miserable quality of life. When I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I have a have amount of sympathy, but at the moment I'm very self absorbed.

I don't really feel anything except resentment and frustration to be completely honest. Underneath that, I do still care, although I feel I get nothing back and have distanced myself emotionally. I don't want to abandon him and still feel loyalty to the man he was and the many happy years we had before this.

@Hellohellohello8 thank you for that perspective. I have wondered that myself but always feel like I'm a failure and an awful person for thinking about it. Talking about it with people completely unrelated kind of gives me permission to have those thoughts.

I have nothing useful to add, but I just wanted to offer my sympathy. My heart goes out to you all.

Have you contacted Macmillan? Or perhaps a local hospice for respite?

@ShirleyJackson thank you.

It sounds really difficult. Is there anyway to get through to him that if he needs to go to bed by x time? He may argue about it, but if you need the sleep and you insist that x time is the last time you can help him, what can he actually do about it other than grumble and groan?

Been through this as child in family. Your fury is completely understandable. You can't go on like this and need to get out. Your choices boil down to either giving up work to be his full time carer - please don't do this,terrible for you and your child- or - separating. Sell the house,get him a studio flat and yourself and child a 2 bed. You do not need to start or mention divorce to do this. I appreciate that for all sorts of reasons ,divorce/separating may seem unpalatable but there does not seem to be any alternative. It would be different if you could set up the West Wing of the house as a sanitarium with full time care staff. The demands,being out of touch with reality and lack of empathy go with the illness. They won't get better. You having therapy won't cure him,get you a night's sleep or protect your child. Most men would have long gone from a wife in this condition and left the child behind.

what can he actually do about it other than grumble and groan?

He will make a lot of noise. Not intentionally, perhaps, but he will. Or he will need something and call me. He has some machinery and that will become dislodged or that he won't be able to do himself, which what is already happening because he's not ready to go to sleep when I go to bed.

It doesn't help that I'm a very light sleeper from being a mother and carer.

I can manage better when I am rested. I've tried to emphasise how important this is before but his view is 'he can't help it', which annoys me, because he can, he could switch it on and go to sleep when I'm ready to go to bed.

Then he'll sleep until lunchtime.

@ItsDinah so sorry you had to live through this as a child.

There is no chance I'd ever give up work. I agree it would be ruinous for us, both financially and for me personally.

I do think the demands are illness related and I do doubt that it will improve, however much I wish it would. It's like he isn't capable of understanding any more. That's not who he was.

Then he'll sleep until lunchtime.

Can you possibly be brusque and nurselike and make sure he’s awake during this time? I know it’s easier said than done, but as you say, the current situation is untenable.

Can you possibly be brusque and nurselike and make sure he’s awake during this time? I know it’s easier said than done, but as you say, the current situation is untenable.

I can certainly try on the days I'm home.

All the best op. It sounds truly difficult. Reach out for as much help as you can get, and don’t feel guilty about what you can’t do. You are already doing far more than many would at this point.

You are amazing OP , what you’re doing in a such a difficult situation not many people would have the strength to do.
Is employing a night carer an option? I realise that the costs and having a stranger at home at night time makes this a difficult choice but the fact that you’re considering it may make your DP change his behaviour at night time.

Sending good wishes for an improvement to your life and your family’s 🙏🏻🙏🏻

My mother delayed putting my father in a home. He had dementia. She got very sick with the stress and doing everything. She ended up having bypass surgery. He went into a care home because I insisted in the end. It was a very nice care home and she visited regularly. She said afterwards that she should have done it sooner. I really think you have got to the end of your tether. You need to think about yourself and your DC because your husbsnd isn't or can't. Dont be robbed off with a few days of respite. If something happened to you, they'd soon find care. Just tell them that you are no longer providing care. Do this before it is too late.

OP I don't have any experience here but I just didn't want to read and run. Being a long term carer as well as working FT and then parenting too is a huge load and nobody could handle all that for long.
I think looking first at respite care and then at care home support is essential. You may find that your fondness/love for your partner returns if his basic needs are being met elsewhere - it might actually be better for your relationship and the bond of love which supports him emotionally in dark times.

OP I am the adult child of a parent with a brain tumour who recently moved into residential care after being cared for exclusively by my mum for a number of years. Firstly lots of empathy for your situation, with a small child it sounds just impossible.

For my parents the care home move meant their relationship stopped being defined as carer and cared for. They spent less but better quality time together, and it was time spent as partners again, not the back and forth of providing care.

It was still an incredibly difficult decision, but something needed to change. Maybe talking about it in this way could help start a conversation with your partner.

Can also second reaching out for support - The Brain Tumour Charity are great for specific advice and if there’s a Maggie’s centre near you they provide loads of support to carers.