I can't do this any more

[DazedConfusedDone]

I'm at the end of my tether. My once DP is chronically ill and now unable to do anything for himself. His life is awful and so is mine. He has just given up, become completely self absorbed and demanding. I work in a busy, FT job and am required in the office several times a week. There's a fair commute involved we have an Infant school aged child.

Our downstairs is now more like a hospital than a home. It is,always noisy. 'D'P has withdrawn from family life and mostly ignores us, except when he wants something and spends his time watching his laptop with the sounds blaring out (despite having headphones). He is oblivious to what's going on around him (through choice rather than illness) and often ends up upsetting one of us through being inconsiderate because he's inside his own bubble. He does not understand the pressure I am under to work, run a house, be a lone parent and carer. He makes requests/demands that I think are unreasonable without any thought to how they affect me. We have has so many arguments alt this recently, but he just keeps doing it. It's like he has completely lost any empathy.

My main problem is that I'm so sleep deprived. I can't go to bed until he does. He wakes me up at least once a night and DC has recently had a spate of waking too and crying (bad dreams or scared of being alone in the night) - I would get just around 5 hours 45 mins, but I am woken 2 or 3 times during the night.

It's making me into a horrible person. I am irritable, sad, resentful and so, so angry. My concentration is off at work, I feel physically week and shaky at times and I utterly hate myself.Tonight I have had a horrendous meltdown when I was woken up. Completely unacceptable. I felt like harming.

We can't go on like this and I'm so scared and so sad. I've asked so many times for some consideration but it falls on deaf ears. Our lives are so restricted and my DC and I sacrifice so much to try and keep us together. I live in the vain hope we can be OK again, but I don't think there's any coming back from this.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

We also wanted to share Mind's information with you - it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything which might be helpful right now: www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/helping-yourself-now

We're going to move the thread over to our Mental Health topic now so that you continue to get support and advice. Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

So much good advice from previous posters.
Have you got a specialist nurse, either hospital or community based? They can often open doors to resources. Your GP could refer you.
I used to work in a hospice and we often had patients in a situation like yours. We often got referrals from specialist nurses. . It allowed everyone to take a breath and re-assess. Often the result was the patient being moved to a care home as they weren’t at the end of their lives quite at that point. However it just felt less brutal than moving straight from home into a care home and eased the transition for all.

@NadineMumsnet I’m honestly not sure Mental Health is the right forum - the OP’s levels of distress are due to her unbearable situation.

Brain tumours do quite often change the sufferer’s personality . They literally cannot process information in the same way that they could when they were healthy, and many of the learned socialising behaviours which we acquire in childhood seem to vanish. When I read your description of his behaviour, that is what stands out. He is not ‘ignoring’ your requirements or requests, he cannot process them as he could once.

That is not to say that you just have to accommodate them, because that is clearly impossible. This is not ( pace MN) a mental health issue, it is a physical health issue. His personality has changed because the brain and thé brain chemistry has changed. It happens gradually, often so gradually that you can hardly pinpoint when things started to decline : but the. A point is reached where you realise that everything has changed. If your partner had suffered a physical injury which had immediately resulted in his condition, I doubt that you would have been expected to cope as you are doing.

I have seen a parallel situation, not in my family, but with a good friend, so I have some personal experience of the baffling behavioural changes you describe.

Like so many other posters, I think the time has come for you to admit that you cannot cope with a complex medical condition. Your partner needs professional care, and you and your child need to have a chance to become his relatives again. You are not abandoning him. This is as if he had broken a leg, and you were expected to carry him on your shoulders rather than use a wheelchair.

Ii send you my very best wishes for your peace.

Not a mental health issue, I agree.

Agreed, not a mental health issue.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen makes excellent points @DazedConfusedDone. Brain tumours are a brain injury and it does happen so gradually, that you don't realise until it smacks you in the face one day.

You are so right on the rate of decline. It is a gradual slide but it feels like one moment things are manageable, the next they're really not.

Thank you for all the support. I feel a lot stronger today and having your sympathy and advice has made the world of difference. I feel almost positive at the moment (although I am prepared for a bit of a roller coaster ride).

@DazedConfusedDone how's it going this week? Sending love

I think residential care would be a lot fairer on all of you tbh. Care homes for the most part aren't horrible places. Obviously there's some that are just not good enough but you would choose carefully, not just bung him in the nearest one.

My nan had a lot better quality of life once she went into a care home. I was a teen at the time and she had a better social life than I did! They were always doing something.

Fish and chips night on a Friday, bingo on Wednesdays, BBQing in the gardens in the summer, it was never long between birthday parties as there were over 80 residents and each one got a little cake (usually homemade) streamers, and a tea party with sausage rolls, cheese and pineapple on sticks etc style buffet.

Families children were encouraged to come trick or treating on Halloween for the residents who wanted/were able to join in and loved seeing the kids all dressed up.

The Christmas bash was always fantastic. They didn't spend a lot on it and the tree was somewhat slapdash as the residents usually decorated it but the atmosphere was lovely. Even the ones with dementia who didn't have a clue what was going on, were smiling.

It's sadly closed now or I'd give you the details but I imagine there are many others that care just as much. It didn't feel like a care home.

Thank you for asking, @PlantPhoenix , he's acutely in hospital at the moment and was admitted not long after I posted.

I'm using this time to get some rest and feel so much better for it. I have also regained much more compassion, which is so important.

He's expected to make a recovery, but we don't really know how he's going to be in practical terms. The timing is opportune in terms of opening up the question with the hospital and SS about his care.

Thanks @Notanotherwindow , all these positive experiences make the prospect of a care home much less scary.

actually, not acutely!

Yes, in your situation, hospital does provide an opportunity for respite care. DH had a couple of hospital stays for a week or so, of it was clear that he was going to be in on a weekend if make sure to take the children out for a proper day out where they could stay out all day. I'm really glad you're getting rest ❤️

We went through something similar with my grandparents many years ago. My mum was grown and gone but grandad had had a stroke when she was little and was immobile and needing full time care for the 40yrs after it happened. By the time I was born he was selfish and demanding and never took my grannies needs into account. She coped but it ruined her life and my mum and siblings had a hard childhood.

My grandmother finally let us all put him into care. It was the right thing for both of us. OP what has happened to your DP is horrific. But he doesn’t need to take you down with him. I do believe he is unable to do anything different but you can and should make zero apologies for it.

In the short term move in with your DD and make a nice room for yourselves. And at the same time, start looking at care options. You are responsible for making the best choices you can for your DP and family. You are not responsible for keeping him home as long as possible to the detriment of you and your DD.

*both of them

I knew a lady whose husband had a similar condition, hospital set up at home, it was unbearable. She also had nurses in and out and noisy equipment that had to be monitored. I’ve nothing to add from the advice already given apart from 💐you are doing an amazing job, it’s gruelling, never feel guilty and take all the help that you can.