OCD makes me appear rude

[Cottagewitch]

So I was diagnosed with OCD years ago. It's not the germaphobe obsessive cleaning type- but the need for things in my home environment to be a certain way. I do clean probably more than I should and I've been told I come across as very 'precious' when it comes to my home. For example, I absolutely cannot abide shoes in the house. If someone is in my home wearing shoes I will sit there tense, on edge, anxiety going through the roof. If something like crumbs are left on the counter after my DH makes himself toast I absolutely cannot relax until I've cleared them up. When guests visit and they take off their coats and hang them on the back of the dining chair I have to move them to the coat rack before I can relax. Those are just a few of many many things. The best way I can describe it is in my mind, certain things about my house are 'right' and things have a 'right' and a 'wrong' place and if they're in the 'wrong' place I get stupidly anxious and can't relax. In my mind shoes belong at the door in the porch, crumbs belong in the bin, coats belong on the coat rack etc. I know it shouldn't matter- and I feel absolutely awful that I make such a big deal out of stupid things.

The really problem comes when we have visitors. I can't bring myself to, say, ask them to take their shoes off because I'm terrified of appearing rude. My DH has told me I absolutley am being rude when I ask people if they'd mind taking off their shoes so I don't do it anymore which means I can't relax when people are over. I've also been accused of being rude for putting coasters under people's drinks and clearing away empty bottles pretty much as soon as people have finished drinking. People bringing dogs over is another thing that really sets me off as I get so stressed out about the hair and the drool and their claws marking the floors but it seems like literally everyone I know owns a dog and they're all on the furniture type of dogs but again because I don't want to come across as rude and I want to be accommodating I never say anything. I had a friend come to stay and I spent about a week before barely sleeping thinking about how I would cope with the dog being there for a week. When she was with me I was just on edge the whole time because the dogs things (bed, toys, blankets, dishes, crate) were all over the living room (again in my OCD brain these things were definitely 'wrong' and shouldn't have been in my living room) not to mention the hair and the sticky marks from her chewing her treats. Also she had her shoes on the whole time too.

I want to be able to enjoy people visiting but how on earth can I say I don't like shoes or dogs in the house, or go about cleaning up after people the second they put something where I think it shouldn't be etc without just appearing rude and horrible and unwelcoming? Am I just an awful person for being so 'precious'? Should I just get on with it and keep my stress and my anxiety to myself in order to be a better host? It's making my life really difficult.

Honestly my home is far from spotless but I couldn't have someone stay with a dog in my house! If someone asked me to take my shoes off I wouldn't think it was rude, neither the coats, i would probably just think they like things clean and organised.
The coasters i would have out in preparation for guests on counters so they used them, I wouldn't think it was rude if you put a coaster under my drink I probably would feel a little embarrassed of myself for setting a drink down and then probably wouldn't feel 100% at ease, but i think you're so worried about appearing rude that its stressing you out but most of the rule you have are fine and not rude at all

I think you stating up front that you require shoes off or don't want dogs in your home is not rude at all. How are people supposed to know if you don't tell them? I would ALWAYS rather be told what someone prefers rather than making them uncomfortable in their own home.
You appearing stressed and uptight because you haven't is rude. I would feel as your guest that I had done something to annoy you. That could easily be avoided by you being clear about your boundaries up front.
Your DH sounds unsupportive.

Could you pick your closest or most understanding friend and have a chat with them about your OCD and ask them if they wouldn't mind doing XYZ when they come over. See how you get on with that.

I don't think you can use the same approach with all your friends. Some people will be more understanding than others. I think it's about choosing your battles.

At the moment it seems like you're prioritising other people's needs to the detriment of your own. It sounds like you can't enjoy your friends company when they are at your home (at the moment due to them not being aware of what you need) and I think that not only is that not nice for you but also your friends won't get to see the best of you either.

It doesn't sound that bad to me -
I've got a big drooly dog and I wouldn't expect anyone that didn't have the same to want him round as he makes a lot of mess.

Similarly, isn't it completely normal to take your shoes off at the door and poor manners if people don't?

Lastly, I like to clear up quickly, I'd just explain that it was just my habit to get the dishwasher on and I wasn't expecting anyone to leave...

Hi OP, not much to say except I hear you. I also have OCD of a similar kind and I have young children. Where I struggle is personal hygiene - so for example, if my husband prefers to clean his teeth after breakfast, I can't relax or think about anything else till he does. It makes me very anxious.

Similarly with hand washing and holding my kids. MIL is a bugger for travelling on trains for hours and then making a beeline for a baby.

So just... you are not alone. And it's perfectly normal to want people to take shoes off inside. In most of the world it would be rude not to!

Try not to over-question yourself imho. I think we have a sense when our expectations are out of step and this is borderline at most. And if all else fails, I just say 'sorry! I have clinical OCD. Do you mind hand-washing?' works wonders. 9/10 they know they are being a bit grim and feel embarrassed.

I don't have OCD or know much about it but I wouldn't hesitate to say to friends or family - no dogs or shoes in my house! We never have either dogs or shoes on my lovely carpets!

I don't think that's particularly unwelcoming?

If you can't relax while people are in your home because things have right and wrong places, would you consider not allowing people to stay and meeting up outside your home?

I think you need to just explain you are unwell and your diagnosis. No one is going to object to shoes off etc

the dog is a different story as it means short visits or they can’t stay with you of the dog can’t come.

Oh, and as a dog lover, not wanting dogs in your home is perfectly fine. So ordinary in fact that it would be extremely cheeky to make you feel bad about it. Kennels exist for a reason!

It's not rude to ask people not to wear shoes in the house, or to not have a dog to stay! These are just your preferences.

What do you think would happen if you let people know what you like and dislike? Are you worried that people will think badly of you? It's ok that different people have different preferences.

Thank you all. I think perhaps I'm creating more of problem of this for myself by not explaining the situation and just assuming they'll think I'm rude. I think this assumption has come from DH telling me I'm being rude if I ask people to do these things rather than from the visitors themselves. For all I know they might be perfectly accommodating. I do have one friend, my best friend, who I tell literally everything to so she's not offended by taking her shoes off or anything else. It's not much to ask really is it? Not anything outlandish so I should maybe give people more credit. I do know my MIL used to make a fuss when I asked her to remove her shoes and I'm assuming she's the reason DH has this thing about it being rude. He tells me I'm the only person who expects people to take their shoes off, and my family are weird in that we've never had shoes in the house.

The dog thing is a little more difficult as we live far away from our family and friends in quite a touristy place so everyone always wants to come to us for a holiday. Every single person on my side of the family has multiple dogs and they treat them like babies and can't possibly holiday without them. I asked one of them last time if they'd mind leaving the dogs in the porch until they dried off after being out on a wet day and they weren't best pleased about that so I can only imagine the reaction if I said they can't bring them at all...

Oh my siblings and mother all want to come at once as my mother likes 'everyone to be together'. But that would mean FIVE dogs staying. They all have to have them sleeping in the beds too and dogs in the beds just makes me extremely stressed out. That most definitely is the wrong place for them. Maybe I should just book them pet friendly accommodation...

There are 2 different things here.

1. It’s normal to have a shoes off at the door or a no dogs in the house rule.


2. You have untreated ocd or anxiety which is affecting your enjoyment of life, can you do something about this?

My absolute favourite people are the ones who just automatically take their shoes off or ask 'would you like shoes off' as it removes all the awkwardness. The relief I feel if someone does that is immense 😅

You're very right. I've seen therapists about it in the past and I've recently just started seeing someone again as it seems to have been getting worse recently. It's all done over the telephone this time round though so I'm not finding it very helpful as I feel awkward on the phone and don't really open up, but all our NHS therapists are still working from home and only doing appointments on the phone.

As a guest, I'd much rather my host let me know in a nice way what they wanted from me rather than sat tensely whilst I wondered what the matter was.

I'd make it clear but in a way that shows that you know it's a bit of a 'you' issue. so something like 'oh would you mind if you take your shoes off in the house and popped them in the porch? I get a bit anxious about shoes in the house' said with a smile.

That wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

With the dog thing. If you are ok with someone bringing their dog you could find a place that you are happy with the dog being, and then set it up nicely and proudly show it to your friend 'I set this up for the pooch - I bought a new little toy for them to enjoy too, it's over here. Hope it's ok if he doesn't go on the furniture - it's been cleaned recently'.

There is no way your DH could think that is rude.

Take control of the situation and you are less likely to come across as abrupt because you are feeling anxious

With regular visitors just be honest with them - tell them what is going on for you. They can support you with it in a kind way then

Bloody hell, I love dogs, and there is no way I'd want 5 dogs staying, ever! Unless I owned some sort of castle with buildings in the grounds!

As well as OCD you might want to think about whether you struggle with what's socially acceptable and setting boundaries with family, they sound used to pushing and you giving in.

Re shoes, if you don’t feel able to say upfront then you could leave you guests “clues” by the front door eg you can buy a framed sign for the wall and leave a couple of pairs of outdoor shoes lined up by the door. Won’t solve the problem but may help

I actually have a doormat now that reads 'shoes off witches' 😅

Shown DH this to demonstrate that strangers on the internet with no agenda also agree shoes off is not unreasonable. He still thinks I shouldn't ask people. He thinks it might make people uncomfortable and I should be making sure guests are comfortable above all else. I really don't agree. I've even said I'll buy comfortable slippers and leave a basket of them at the door for people to put on. Claims MIL is embarrassed that her feet might smell and others might also have similar concerns. Her feet don't smell anyway as she often doesn't have shoes on when we are in her house...

I don't think you should have to have dogs in your home if you don't want them.

The other stuff. Could you not just make a joke of it? Just make light of it but let people know 'the rules' in a light hearted manner, no one will mind! Then they will just do it once they know what you want.

Is it more of an in law problem?

You could have a place for shoes and say “shall I take your shoes?”. Should only be once, especially if you have warm slippers to hand out.

but the coaster/hovering stuff is absolutely joyless to be around. My kids have noticed at their cousins house for the first time this summer, and it is so stressful to be around. It prioritizes the thing in the wrong place above the relationships.

I know people are being kind, but I know it is driven by an issue rather than being a twat for the sake of it., but my god it makes everything such a drag, and a torture that it’s a relief to leave, and just breathe again.

In the nicest possible way, aren't you more likely to make people feel uncomfortable if you are sitting feeling very uncomfortable yourself? I think you need to be open and say to people what the 'rules' of your house are - you can do it in a light hearted or self deprecating way.
Like your DH I grew up in a shoes-on house and tend to keep my own shoes on at home. But I really don't think he and I are the norm any more, most other houses seem to have a shoes-off policy. Although it feels normal to me to keep my shoes on, I would always look at the host's feet when I arrive and if they are in socks, I would ask if I should take my shoes off. At one house we go to, they give you a pair of slippers to wear, which I think is a nice touch (it might be a Japanese thing). Given that your main issue is with family, you could even get them their own slippers.
Again, on the dogs, I really think most people would not assume they can take a dog to someone else's house, let alone in the bed! As someone with allergies, the thought of that actually makes me feel ill. It doesn't matter about rudeness, I really couldn't let that happen. It's unreasonable of them to expect it and your DH not to stick up for you. If you can't ask directly, can you 'develop an allergy'?

Does your DH have OCD/neuro diverse/SEN? Asking people to take shoes off within the home is common and understandable- not odd at all! I find his reaction very odd TBH! Its YOUR home- so don't be ruled by your illness. Easier said than done. Is there any further therapy you could have?

If you can't bring yourself to ask people to take off shoes, put a sign on the door 'please take your shoes off'. The comedy foot mat doesn't gets the point across and seems like its a joke. Would you be able to say 'you can leave your shoes there' or 'would you like these (new) slippers to wear inside or just your socks'?

When guests arrive, offer to take their coats and hang on your stand. Less chance of coats on seats

I like dogs and as a new dog owner myself, she is our fur baby (12yrs TTC and no kids). I would, however, never assume or even ask to bring her along to stay a week in someone elses home!!! Unless you'd offered in the 1st place- I find this incredibly rude.