OCD makes me appear rude

[Cottagewitch]

So I was diagnosed with OCD years ago. It's not the germaphobe obsessive cleaning type- but the need for things in my home environment to be a certain way. I do clean probably more than I should and I've been told I come across as very 'precious' when it comes to my home. For example, I absolutely cannot abide shoes in the house. If someone is in my home wearing shoes I will sit there tense, on edge, anxiety going through the roof. If something like crumbs are left on the counter after my DH makes himself toast I absolutely cannot relax until I've cleared them up. When guests visit and they take off their coats and hang them on the back of the dining chair I have to move them to the coat rack before I can relax. Those are just a few of many many things. The best way I can describe it is in my mind, certain things about my house are 'right' and things have a 'right' and a 'wrong' place and if they're in the 'wrong' place I get stupidly anxious and can't relax. In my mind shoes belong at the door in the porch, crumbs belong in the bin, coats belong on the coat rack etc. I know it shouldn't matter- and I feel absolutely awful that I make such a big deal out of stupid things.

The really problem comes when we have visitors. I can't bring myself to, say, ask them to take their shoes off because I'm terrified of appearing rude. My DH has told me I absolutley am being rude when I ask people if they'd mind taking off their shoes so I don't do it anymore which means I can't relax when people are over. I've also been accused of being rude for putting coasters under people's drinks and clearing away empty bottles pretty much as soon as people have finished drinking. People bringing dogs over is another thing that really sets me off as I get so stressed out about the hair and the drool and their claws marking the floors but it seems like literally everyone I know owns a dog and they're all on the furniture type of dogs but again because I don't want to come across as rude and I want to be accommodating I never say anything. I had a friend come to stay and I spent about a week before barely sleeping thinking about how I would cope with the dog being there for a week. When she was with me I was just on edge the whole time because the dogs things (bed, toys, blankets, dishes, crate) were all over the living room (again in my OCD brain these things were definitely 'wrong' and shouldn't have been in my living room) not to mention the hair and the sticky marks from her chewing her treats. Also she had her shoes on the whole time too.

I want to be able to enjoy people visiting but how on earth can I say I don't like shoes or dogs in the house, or go about cleaning up after people the second they put something where I think it shouldn't be etc without just appearing rude and horrible and unwelcoming? Am I just an awful person for being so 'precious'? Should I just get on with it and keep my stress and my anxiety to myself in order to be a better host? It's making my life really difficult.

Sorry I meant to say, the only thing you mentioned that might appear rude to me was taking people's bottles away as soon as they have finished. I do think this could come across like in a restaurant when the staff start stacking chairs to make you leave. I don't know how OCD feels. Is it like you might feel ok if only one thing was 'wrong' or would that one thing be enough to trigger the anxiety?

I too forgot that the only thing I would find rude is also the rushing to clear away the empty bottles/drinks as soon as I'd finished it.

Leave coasters out beforehand, then you don't need to put one under when guests are there. I would feel a bit like a child if the host rushed over and shoved one under my drink afterwards!

We have a no shoes inside rule in our house and I'm far from an OCD type.

Seriously, just say "no shoes inside".
It's not rude! Your DH sounds seriously neglectful in my opinion.

I've got a simple kids book about common social rules and taking your shoes off is in there as it's so normal and one of those unwritten rules people are supposed to know.

Your DH also sounds like he considers other people's feelings too much, to the extent of not enforcing normal social rules.

I can't think the last time someone came round and didn't take their shoes off. I never do and it's awkward for me as I've got orthotics so it's physically uncomfortable for me to move without my shoes on so I notice this fact and I always have to explain that to people in case they think I'm being rude - and often they still do.

Slipper basket is a fab idea. people only need to visit once to learn that yours is a shoe free home (really this is very ordinary), second visit onwards they will surely have prewashed their feet ha ha

You can by hotel type slippers for less than £1 and leave some at the front door- for those that dont have socks on and feel uncomfortable going bare foot:

www.blueboxsocks.co.uk/hotel-guest-hospital-spa-slippers/closed-toe-waffle-slippers/?gclid=CjwKCAjw9NeXBhAMEiwAbaY4lh4yXs7CD-ZJcRtJ3XbVW70r49_2Obu_MK4sM0_d0MYgrswIH0WQFhoCHZ0QAvD_BwE

For regular guests- use a marker pen to put their names on them.

I also have shoe covers, for those with physical difficulties getting shoes on/off or needing wear orthodics, and also handy for workmen.

www.justgloves.co.uk/Protective-Clothing/Overshoes/14-Overshoes?utm_source=google&utm_medium=product_feed_or_listings&pl=STD&ccv=Y&gclid=CjwKCAjw9NeXBhAMEiwAbaY4lmMwuSC5JPiUWjpy8LEEiX0yQS-raSgOhK1pwTFVuaYJl22PuYxg4RoCowIQAvD_BwE

We're a shoes on house, but I never have or would be offended by being asked to take mine off in someone else's house. I also wouldn't care less if you moved my coat to the rack or put a coaster under my mug. I think you're over thinking to be honest. It's your home, do what you need to to feel comfortable.

This.
You have a diagnosis of OCD, but it sounds from your own description that you are in the position of your OCD dictating how you live. This isn't great. I am not unfamiliar with OCD - my DD also has it. She doesn't bend the world to fit around her OCD.
Have you considered that you might need to address some of your anxiety around this?

Hi Op, as a fellow OCD sufferer, you have my sympathies

It sounds like these particular boundaries would be particularly difficult/emotional for you to put it place with your family visitors. I wonder if that’s the reason they’ve become so big for you? I know that for me, my biggest obsessive worries have been things that I knew the people I love the most would struggle to understand.

I think you need to prioritise you’re own well-being here. Enough ‘gently suggesting’. You are allowed to decide what you do and don’t like if your own home. If you don’t like dogs in your house, no dogs is the rule.

Perhaps putting in writing would help? A message on the family whatsapp if have one? Something like:

‘Hi Everyone, you all know how much I love having you to stay, and I hope you feel like you still can. Sadly, I’ve come to a place where I’m not able to accommodate dogs anymore, so you’ll need to make other arrangements for them when you visit us.’

i know it’s hard, part of OCD is the constant overwhelming worry that you’re upsetting people. It’s ok if you upset them. It’s ok if they don’t understand. You matter too.

The stuff about the coasters and the shoes is best dealt with in the moment. Ask people to take their shoes off. Hand someone a coaster if they aren’t using one. Neither of these things are a big deal.

Dont get into a fight with OCD over whether someone thinks you’re rude or not. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t. It doesn’t mean you don’t get to ask for what you need.

Massively disagree. None of the examples OP uses are ‘OCD ruling her life’. This has quite a specific definition, which is more than an hour a day spent on obsessions or compulsions. If the OP spent more than an hour a day cleaning the sofa a dog once sat on, that would be letting OCD rule her life.

Just because a person has OCD doesn’t mean they aren’t allowed boundaries and preferences.

Just because a person has OCD doesn’t mean they aren’t allowed boundaries and preferences
I agree with this. You are perfectly entitled to have boundaries. Anxiety spiralling over a few crumbs isn't a healthy place to be though.
I didn't say 'ruling her life* either...

We're. Shoes off household. Everyone who visits automatically asks or just takes their shoes off, except my dad who I have to remind. It's a normal thing.

I wouldn't let a dog in my house, never up a stairs and definitely not in any human beds . It's incredibly rude for people to not explicitly asking if they can bring their dog.

I'm not a particularly clean and tidy person, I'd say I'm pretty average.

Leave coasters out, but again, people should be asking if they're not sure. Moving coats to a coat rack is fine.

It sounds like you have lots of slightly rude guests, rather than you being a rude host. Your dh should be more supportive of your ocd

OP do you manage to "contain" your OCD to your own house?
If so, then I think you're doing really well. Having a diagnosis of a psychiatric disorder doesn't mean you're rude and I think your DH should be more supportive.

Definitely. I have seen multiple counsellors and am seeing one now as I'd absolutely love just to be able to relax and not have to worry about these things. I've yet to have any luck getting there so far.

I was brought up that is rude to not take shoes off…

Oddly enough yes. If it starts to bother me I can feel relaxed again so as long as I know in my head my own space and things are as they should be. Most of the time other peoples spaces don't stress me out as that's their space and whatever they choose is 'right'

I had OCD for about 20 years, not of the order/cleanliness type compulsions though. Have you considered exposure and response prevention therapy (ERP)? It’s the golden standard for treating OCD. Very effective though tough going at first. It really helped me reclaim so much of my life.

There are a lot of therapist charlatans out there who treat OCD like it’s just garden variety anxiety but that can do more harm than good.

I like the idea of putting it in writing, I think I'd find it much easier to express that way and I'd feel less rude 😅

I feel EXACTLY the same as you op. It is not rude to do things how you like in your own house, and none of these behaviours are objectively rude.

You just need to politely ask for shoes at the door, to have coats, meet at the park or their house with dog. These are all normal things.

Like your DH I grew up in a shoes-on house and tend to keep my own shoes on at home. But I really don't think he and I are the norm any more, most other houses seem to have a shoes-off policy. Although it feels normal to me to keep my shoes on, I would always look at the host's feet when I arrive and if they are in socks, I would ask if I should take my shoes off.

Same here. When I was first asked to take my shoes off in someone's house, I did feel uncomfortable. But that was forty years ago! Now I assume when I visit anyone, that I'll take my shoes off. Quite often people will tell me not to worry, but certainly it's very much the norm to remove them these days.

The dog thing is horrific. I have no psychological issues and am by no means a clean freak, by no way would I have multiple dogs staying in my house for multiple days.

Thank you! Something like this would be perfect.

Sorry if I came across rude! Obviously touched a bit of a nerve in me.

Agree that spiralling anxiety over a few crumbs isn’t healthy, but that isn’t what the OP describes. Its ok to want to clean up the kitchen side after foods been prepared, lots of people do that.

If someone was going back and cleaning the same surface over and over because she didn’t feel it was ‘clean enough’; or kept going back the move the guests coats around because she couldn’t get it ‘right’ then that’s OCD. Moving a coat onto a coat hook isn’t letting OCD dictate how you live. It’s normal behaviour.

Have you heard of Compassion Focused Therapy? It worked better for me than ERP. It’s focused around developing a kinder inner voice and a gentler attitude towards yourself. It’s helped me to become my own safe place, which was life changing.