Parent and carers of anxious teens(part 6)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Another thread full!!
For anyone new,these threads started as my D's had crippling anxiety in year 8( and was later diagnosed ASD)now about to start 6th form in September we have been running this quite a while!
This is a safe space to discuss the overwhelm that can engulf us,seek advice and find friendship with others in a similar position.
Please note this is a non judgemental space and respect and care of each other is at the centre of what we are here for.
Whether you want to vent and run,or hang around a while,welcome!

Welcome allthongsred.

Would a different type of therapy be worth trying?

Some find Mindjam helpful. It isn’t therapy as such but can help with MH difficulties. Does DD like gaming? If so, Spectrum Gaming might be worth a look. Although they are both online.

Is DD 15 and in Y10 or is she a summer born Y11?

Thank you for responses.
She has been having exposure therapy. Trying to get her used to being outside again.
These have worked up to a point.
She still vvv rarely goes out. But will do sometimes.

We have just been sent a draft copy of an ehcp ( after me asking for one for almost a year, but school not thinking it was necessary!) I cant see she will be ready to sit exams next year, (shes in yr 10) but at least ive bought her some time with it.

Shes been offered a space 2 x pw in a ap that will again concentrate on exposures.
Out of the 4 sessions she has had so far, shes made 2.
She has severe social anxiety & only attends if i or her therapist can stay with her.
I have recently had a baby which has made it difficult to do.
Although having the baby has had a massive positive affect on her so far. We are having more little wins.

What about another type of therapy as well?

Under s.19 of the Education Act 1996, if DD can’t attend school full-time the LA must provide alternative arrangements to ensure DD receives a suitable, full-time education. An AP twice a week isn’t full time, and if DD can’t attend because of her MH it isn’t suitable either. The provision can be at home or online if that is more suitable. This duty only applies to compulsory school aged pupils, which is why I asked about Y10 or Y11.

The EHCP can include a more comprehensive EOTAS package, including therapies DC wouldn’t otherwise get and without the need to sit on the normal waiting lists. EHCPs can last until 25 or, in some circumstances, 26.

Go through the draft EHCP with a fine-tooth comb. All educational needs should be in B and all educational provision in F - this includes anything that educates or trains such as MH therapies and OT. You need to make sure it is detailed, specified and quantified. A vague and woolly EHCP with wording such as “access to”, “would benefit from”, “regular”, “opportunities for”, “such as”, “e.g”… is not worth the paper it is written on.

Oh ok. I may get hold of sendias to ensure everything is covered.
Sorry all very new to me.
What does EOTAS mean?

@allthingsred EOTAS is Education other than at school, so 1:1 tutors at home or in a small centre together with therapies etc.
IPSEA and SOSSEN are a better call for advice in my experience as sendiass arent always as knowledgable about AP or EOTAS and are paid by LA so not completely independent.
Has your daughter been seen by an occupational therapist? They may recommend sensory intergration therapy which has really helped my DD regulate. Tbh we tried graduated exposure with our DD, we did it ourselves( it was my suggestion) not with a therapists so may not have done it right! but unfortunately for us was completely unsuccessful. Ive since come to the conclusion that Its basically trying to get your child to fit into an environment they cant cope with rather than finding the right environment for your child.
But it can provide evidence that the school isnt right and a more bespoke specialist provision is needed.
It must be hard with a new baby and an anxious teen. I hope you get a bit of time to yourself to relax.

I second Runner. Be careful with SENDIASS. Some are good, but too many repeat the LA’s unlawful policies and practices. They receive LA funding, so despite their name, aren’t truly independent and the majority will ultimately toe the party line. IPSEA and SOSSEN have lots of useful information on their websites, including this IPSEA checklist. Both also have helplines and SOSSEN have a paid for draft checking service if that is something you would be interested in.

EOTAS packages are completely unique to DC’s individual needs. They could include tuition (traditional academic, less traditional but still academic, right through to child-led and not at all academic), therapies, alternative provision (e.g. care farms), music/art/drama lessons, sports/exercise, perpetration for adulthood, resources, equipment, a budget, professional time… The possibilities are endless.

Wow. Ok.
Nothing was mentioned in her draft about anything like this being an option.
I have mentioned tutors before but its never been followed on.
The school didnt think there was a problem. Most of the staff completly missed her masking. I presume that is why most of my requests were ignored for so long.
Im so grateful to the few members of staff that saw there was much deeper issues.
She has seen an ed pysch has part of assesment for EHCP who was very good. And seemed to understand what we were going through very quickly
Not under CAMHS yet as currently working with a different service.
both ed pysch & therapist think she just needs to concentrate on addressing the anxiety & agrophobia before education which maybe why EOTAS wasnt bought up.
Thank you so much for this extra knowledge

both ed pysch & therapist think she just needs to concentrate on addressing the anxiety & agrophobia before education which maybe why EOTAS wasnt bought up.

The scope of what is considered educational provision is wider than many realise. Even if traditional education provision isn’t suitable, some form of educational provision will be. For example, animal-assisted therapy, art therapy, OT, resources, a budget for whatever DD does at home, PfA provision, mentor (online or in person)… are all still educational provision even though many don’t see it as that.

A psychiatrist &/or clinical psychologist assessment could have been part of the EHCNA without DD already being under CAMHS.

LAs rarely mention EOTAS without the parents pushing for it.

Welcome @allthingsred i feel your pain my DD is 19 she’s agrophobic and has severe anxiety, she left school half way through 6th year (Scotland) and never returned. My other DD has undiagnosed ASD school were useless didn’t pick up her masking, she was badly bullied, she left end of 5th went to college and has loved it. There’s great advice to be had on here.

DD1 had a good chat with me tonight, told me she thinks she has OCD, basically she has to do everything in 2s. When she tidies her room she has to strip her lamp back clean it thoroughly, then do it again, everything must be cleaned twice and be perfect. Same with her clothes they must be perfect and ironed twice. If they are not perfect she can’t go out that’s why she wear jammies all the time. she doesn’t “do” her hair as it must be perfect. We talked about what she thinks would happen if it wasn’t perfect and what she needs to do about it. She had a good cry about it all and how she wanted to get better as life was slipping her by. I said I would come with her to the GP and we would look at a counsellor again something she has resisted. We shall see. It’s heartbreaking seeing your child like this.

Hi
I’m new to this thread. Hope I’m in the right place. When I read the initial post and saw the words “overwhelm” and “anxiety”, I thought this thread probably applies to DS2 16 yo.

He began suffering with anxiety in Spring 2022.
He started finding sitting in class difficult and I would sometimes get a call from his school to come and collect him. He had some counselling in the Autumn which helped.

Things seemed to improve a bit and he recently finished his GCSE exams. He said he needed to go to the loo a lot beforehand (no urine infection was found by the GP, I knew it was anxiety) so the school allowed him to complete his exams in a smaller group and to be able to have loo breaks when needed.

Being a teenage boy, we get very little communication. Yesterday he began an Induction Week at the 6th form he may want to go to (he’s still undecided).
This morning there’s an assembly planned and last night he told us that he didn’t want to go to it as he felt uncomfortable sitting in the hall en masse.

I was shocked that he still feels this way. I’ve said it’s ok if he doesn’t go to the assembly but said it’s important to go to the taster sessions. Tomorrow there’s a day trip on a coach to a seaside town, which he’s said he’ll be going on.

Is this anxiety here to stay?
Should I get him some more counselling?
What might this mean in 2 years re Uni if he can’t sit in a big group, lectures etc.
The bottom line is that I don’t know how to help him.

Bump

Welcome Bacon.

Yes, I do think it sounds like anxiety. Counselling may help, but if it is the environment that needs changing counselling won’t solve that. Does DS2 have other sensory difficulties? What is his social interaction and communication like in other ways? Does DS have ASD?

Can DS articulate when it is he finds difficult? Is it the noise, too many people, people too close, smells, too bright, the thought of having to communicate, being enclosed…?

Hello @baconandavocado
Sorry your DS is struggling.Therapy / counselling may well help and its worth looking into.
Its really hard as parents as we often want to "fix" things that are actually out of our control.
Its really good he is talkng to you.
Are you able to contact college and make them aware of his anxiety? They should be able to put some support in place, including things like feeding back any information he misses in assemblies if he finds those difficult to attend.
I hope the trial lessons and trip go well.
Anxiety isnt necessarily here to stay forever, he may always be a bit anxious but eventually he may be able to manage it.
Hes going through a lot of change and uncertainity at the moment with GCSEs moving to college etc
I would take it one step at a time and not leap ahead too much re uni- easier said than done I know! But I think removing as many demands and expectations as you can and keeping things "light" can really help ease the pressure he may feel he is under.

@sweetkitty
That must have been really difficult to hear, but it is so so positive she confided in you and wants to go to the GP, definitely a step in the right direction, I hope GP appt goes well.

No, he doesn’t have ASD. No sensory issues, social communication and interaction all ok.

I totally get what you’re saying re not being able to “fix” things as a parent. I’m finding that extremely hard.

Yes, you’re right. There are a lot of changes afoot.
I think his school (grammar) put way too much pressure on the students taking their GCSEs. We tried to keep it light, as you say, at home.

When he had counselling last year, the counsellor said that us making GCSEs a small part of his world when at home was very important.
She also prescribed more fresh air, exercise and healthy eating habits. She firmly believed that the lockdowns played a massive part in his issues.
We thought we’d got through the pandemic unscathed.....

He’s still not 100% decided on whether to stay at his current school or go to the other local grammar for 6th form.
In many ways I think staying where he is would be best, less change.

BUT, as my DH says, I have to let him make his own decisions.
Being the parent of teens is bloody hard.

@baconandavocado
Defintely hard being a parent of a teen!
If it offers reassurance - my DD (19) went to a grammar but struggled with never feeling good enough. I was very apprehensive but she left her well regarded grammar and went went to college, she soon found out the teaching and support nowhere near grammar school level she was used to! However she thrived in the less pressurised environment and was much happier. She is , fingers crossed, going to uni in september.

Following on from bounces comment it just may be possible your son has sensory or communication needs that are unrecognised and that he has been coping by masking . My DD 16 was diagnosed with autism at 14 after anxiety led to her not being able to attend school- I was blind to it and prior to her being unable to go to school never for a second considered she might be autistic!
Obviously not everyone with anxiety is autistic but there is a correlation between the two.

Yep parenting a teenager is hard work. It is probably best to let your son make his own decision about where he wants to go next year, sadly, we don't have a crystal ball to help us see the future! My eldest swapped out of a high pressured school to an FE college and was much happier and is currently at University. My youngest didn't and her anxiety and stress are high, and she's both angry and sad at being there although academically she's doing fine. I've just spent several hours this evening listening to her and trying to help calm her down after a bad day. I think she would have been happier in a college where there was more freedom and less contact hours but I can't turn back time so will never know.

Welcome bacon
Lots of good advice already offered
Parenting teens is very very hard as no one wants to watch their child struggling,it's heartbreaking
Current teens have had to weather A LOT with everything covid changed- such a critical time in social development and independence was snatched from under them and it's not easy trying to rebuild that bridge for many of them
(I was told by my youngests head of year over a 1/3 of year 10 now have major anxiety issues,which is more than triple pre covid)

Sweetkitty a good chat is a big step forward in so many ways,and continued dialogue rather than clamming up totally is always a positive worth celebrating even if the topic and outcome were difficult

Dd2has her ASD feedback today
Has been circling the sun stressing over it since Sunday,worrying she's crazy if doesn't get diagnosed...

Thanks all for the advice.
Regarding college. Our local college really doesn't come recommended...I completely agree that a less pressured environment would be more suitable....

His current school only offers the IB which would be too much for him I think. They do a Career-Related diploma which sounds less full on.
Doing the 3 A levels at the other school would mean less subjects and more free periods and independence.

Grr, it was so much easier for my generation when you just stayed on at your school for 6th form!

My daily mantra re his education is Do Not Interfere.
Daily mantra re his anxiety is......just be there... that sounds so glib because I really don't know what I'm doing!

And yes, the Attendance Officer at his school said that the wave of anxiety and MH issues since Covid in the students is unprecedented.

Zoo good luck today.

it just may be possible your son has sensory or communication needs that are unrecognised and that he has been coping by masking

I completely agree with Runner here. For some, they cope very well until the wheels fall off spectacularly when they can’t keep up with the increased demands and expectations as they get older.

Bacon if it isn’t sensory, communication or interaction issues can DS articulate exactly what it is about attending assembly and previously sitting in class that is causing him to be anxious and overwhelmed?

1bounceforward2back
No, he can’t...or won’t. He’s very reluctant to talk (to me) about this and other issues surrounding his anxiety.
I don’t like to press too much or feel I have the correct vocabulary to do so without it resulting in him walking off or shutting down.

I had this with both D's and youngest,both now asd diagnosed,in years 9+10 respectively because were fine,til the werent...(not that I'm saying it's definitely the cause for your D's)

Your mantra is bang on as far as I'm concerned for anxiety.you can't make it right,but you are there and listening if he needs you- you can't push too hard to find out causes or it inevitably backfires,but as long as he knows you are there❤️

Just come off feedback,dd2 has gotten her ASD diagnosis and we are lucky our area offers support afterwards,she has been referred for a needs assessment and may well get one to one OT work for her anxiety❤️