Parent and carers of anxious teens(part 6)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Another thread full!!
For anyone new,these threads started as my D's had crippling anxiety in year 8( and was later diagnosed ASD)now about to start 6th form in September we have been running this quite a while!
This is a safe space to discuss the overwhelm that can engulf us,seek advice and find friendship with others in a similar position.
Please note this is a non judgemental space and respect and care of each other is at the centre of what we are here for.
Whether you want to vent and run,or hang around a while,welcome!

Thanks for asking zoo yes hanging on in there, some better days so still very much taking it step by step. Your ds sounds like he's made amazing progress, hope your dd's exams go as smoothly as they can.

runner it makes my head spin all that you've had to go through fighting for your dd, juggling all of that plus work too is commendable.

bounce hope your ds is continuing to improve?

Hello is anyone awake? Things are really bad. My dd is at Uni but hates her course but won't come home. She can't make a decision and is very low in mood. She's autistic which makes things even harder. She has to make a decision tomorrow to sign a contract for a house but can't commit to any decision. This has been going on since September and I am at the end of my rope. Horrible year last year with my dad having cancer, my mum very unwell and now waiting to hear if she has skin cancer. This morning DP said he was leaving due to lack of attention. I left the house in a state and just walked in the snow. He noticed and called me and told me to come home. Got home and he was asleep so just as well I didn't get attacked because no one would have noticed.

How do I help my DD? We just have these cyclical conversations over and over and I don't know what to do. I've contacted the Uni but they aren't helpful. She's also had a bereavement before Christmas that hit her hard. I want her to come home and start again next September but she says she can't. Sorry this is long. I'm desperate and so worried about what's going to happen. I want her to come home so I can help her to sort her head out. Any advice greatly appreciated. Thank you so much.

moggyd I'm so sorry things have been so utterly wretched for you and your family💐
Has DD always had trouble decision making,or is it a more recent thing?

Thanks for replying @Stilllivinginazoo. Yes she's always found it difficult. She still hasn't made a decision and us now hiding from her flat mates to avoid signing the house contract. She keeps putting the phone down on me. I can't do this anymore. I'm so worried about her and I'm having panic attacks. I haven't a clue how to handle this.

Can you visit Moggy?

If you aren’t having counselling it would be worth seeking support for yourself, too.

I agree with bounce you sound like you have been carrying this weight a long time and could benefit from some extra support for yourself.
Have you a husband/partner/significant other to share the load with?are there other children to manage too?do you have a good friendship/support network?
It's very hard caring for our children when they need extra support like this and it's essential you look after yourself.
None of us here a perfect(scroll back to see confessions of over eating junk,not eating properly etc)and cutting corners trying to stay afloat but ultimately we need to look after ourselves to care for those we love and keep our own heads above water💐

@moggyd -how are things now?
All sounds incredibly tough and overwhelming.
How are things with DP? Im sorry he said he wanted to leave, sounds like you have both been under enormous pressure.
Did DD sign the contract?
I wonder if uni can help at all, does she get DSA?
Also some unis will permit students with ASC to stay in halls in same flat for familiarity.
I would definitely talk to uni for advice and support.
She may be able to come home and do lectures online or resit a year if need be.

Bounce- how is DS, any better?

We've had a mixed week DD managed some tuition and therapy but not all so still a up and down cycle. Still never entirely sure how each day will pan out.

How is your DD coping with her mocks Zoo?

Hi runner
She made it to all but last two,then crashes and burned.i spent last few days chasing adult services.duscivered an email from PALS where promised be less than 8weeks til seen.11 on Thursday...I rang a hub number they gave me and after many calls and transfers eventual out one was she's been allocated a support worker at adult services!message sent and she did rung me back yesterday afternoon.uo shot she's go contact medic and will be in touch uncouple if days.meanwhile just trying stay afloat.
Lil zoo hasn't been school since Wednesday last week,HOY wants me ask g.p anti anxiety meds,and remind me of EWO intervention if we don't improve attendance.i pointed out she doesn't think has anxiety and only camhs could issue meds to under 18 for that IF she agreed needed it!
DS review cancelled as staff off I'll he's decided hates school and is in constant twizz.ystersay we had pop shop and I check 2x he had right bank card to be snapped at I know what I'm doing(had wrong card with no money on it) I was so tired I just lay down on return I couldn't go out again.its jus constant right now and I'm exhausted

Hope D's I
s improvingbounce and everyone's doing ok x

Hi zoo, sorry to hear you are so exhausted atm. Do take care and try and rest.
Sounds like youve done an amazing job at chasing support for DD. Surprised school suggested going to GP anxiety meds for lilzoo, most schools wouldn't suggest this and of course you are right at her age only cahms/ child psychiatrist will prescribe.
Did she manage school today?
Hopefully DS is calmer now.

Zoo I’m not surprised you are exhausted. Sorry to hear DD2 didn’t manage all the mocks. I hope the support worker does get back in touch. I really think you need to request medical needs tuition and an EHCNA for DD3.

DS1 is much improved thanks. Still no idea what was wrong. DS3’s 1:1 who went on maternity leave at Christmas had her baby earlier this month and she went into school with her baby boy. DS3 had a cuddle.

Aw,that's lovely D's got to cuddle the baby bounce and so pleased to hear that poorly D's is on the mend
Lil zoo missed camhs app yesterday.next one is booked with me present also(she opts go alone usually)for next Wednesday(1st) and I've been told if heard nothing about ASD assessment to ring Monday and chase it up(was told 2-3 weeks for results and that's up Friday).I know she's anxious what it will all mean and have reiterated it won't change how much we love her either way but may mean we look differently at ways to help support her difficulties

How's everyone been this week?

Better week here but I need to get back to my normal working hours soon so will be around a bit less in the mornings, will have to see how ds gets on with that...

Hope you all have a restful weekend.

Glad your week saw improvementtalking.hopefully D's can build on that

How is everyone?

Zoo I hope you are looking after yourself and DD3’s CAMHS appointment went OK.

I had a massive pani.c attack and whilst D2 offered take her clinician cancelled and we are try again for Tuesday.rang about ASD assessment got no where as they insist I talk team who does assessment and u knew full well wasn't done by then but by in house camhs.they emailed them,but we have heard nothing ..
Ice ranx adult services twice chasing medic applied dd2,also fruitless.has a support worker now whom I've left three messages for this week and has no response

Zoo I’m sorry you are struggling so much. I’m glad CAMHS could rearrange for next week though. Sorry to hear you aren’t getting anywhere with the ASD assessment and adult services. If the support worker isn’t replying I would go above her head to whoever is in charge. Is there a support service locally who could help you advocate for DDs?

Sorry it's been tough zoo- how are you now?
Fingers crossed for camhs appt next week and I hope lilzoo gets her ASC results soon and you get some response from adult services for DD2. The constant chasing must be exhausting especially pm top of caring for everyone and running the house.
I hope you have a better end to the week.
Things are OK here DDs managed all lessons and therpies so far this week but best not speak too soon as have tomorrow to get through and she is starting new gcse subject with new tutor .

Runner I hope the new tutor went well. What GCSEs is DD planning on sitting? On and off over the last year we have started to think about them for DS1.

Thanks bounce,
How is your DS?
New tutor went OK.
I hope it works out. He was a bit dithery , probably tip toeing round her as he knows about her difficulties and maybe I made it worse by telling him how anxious she was.But sometimes a more matter of fact / this is what we will be doing approach works better than we could do this or we could do that.
So time will tell.
She's, chronologically in year 11 but as shes missed so much school shes only doing maths gcse this year. She's studying art and sociology so hopefully will take GCSEs for those subjects next year and we( well I!) are hoping to add science and English by end of the year. Building up her timetable is taking longer than I hoped. But she's having therapies as well as guitar lessons so has something every day even if it's just for an hour.
Just hope LA doesn't rock the boat re EOTAS and PB when she has her annual review in July. I'm dreading that.
Actually I was going to pick your brains Bounce about exam centres.
One provider DD is with arranges all exams the other provider only does so if you get a package from them which we currently dont have funding for and as they are only providing a tutor for one subject even the provider doesn't think the package is worth it.
But then I need to find an exam centre! This won't be til next year but I've done a bit of investigation and hit a bump with finding a local centre that will accept private candidates who require access arrangements. I've heard you can sit exams at home but think that's probably a very high bar but I do worry about her sitting an exam in an unfamiliar environment/ school as she will be anxious enough as it is!
Do you have any knowledge or advice on this? No worries if not but thought it might be worth an ask.

Hi all.hope everyone's ticking over ok.we have dates for asd/ADHD assessment(24th) and medic app at adult services(same building) 22nd feb.almost 6 MONTHS wait when I was promised 6-8 weeks as knew needed a meds review.im livid and will be saying so

Zoo I hope the psychiatrist medication review goes well after waiting longer. Brilliant news you have a date for the ASD/ADHD assessment too. That was a much shorter wait for ASD/ADHD assessments than in many areas - adult waits are often longer than paediatric waits. Do you suspect ADHD as well as ASD?

Glad the tutor went OK, Runner. DS1 is the same, he copes far better being told what is happening. He finds making decisions stressful. DD is doing really well, building up to full time takes time.

Home invigilation is possible. That is what we are planning for DS1 as it is his normal way of working. It won’t solve needing to find an exam centre, you would need a relatively close centre due to the rules about when papers can be opened. For exams in summer 2024 you need to be looking to book from this summer to November time, after that centres may be booked up. Centres have limited capacity for pupils with access arrangements, generally the more complex the access arrangements the earlier you need to book.

If provider 1 is registered as an exam centre you could ask if they will accept DD as a private candidate for the provider 2 subject. Although if provider 1 doesn’t offer that subject they are less likely to agree.

Tutors and exams are often used and offer access arrangements. I will PM you about some schools. If you know anyone in the EHE community it’s worth asking them for local recommendations, some are funny about EOTAS though.

If you haven’t already have a read of JCQs guidance on access arrangements and invigilation away from the centre. If any of the exams are CAIE then they have their own regulations, JCQ doesn’t cover them.

We are thinking of splitting GCSEs/IGCSEs (for some subjects IGCSEs are easier to arrange) over 2 years. The LA have provisionally agreed to fund 8, but with nothing set in stone yet they could renege on their agreement - but we would appeal. Most likely maths, stats, 3 science, history, government and politics, and one English (probably language as DS hates English and I think language will probably be easier to get DS1 through). We will try to get FSMQ funded at some point too after maths and stats GCSE.

bounce we were asked how we felt DD might have been affected by asd/ADHD if has it as that's criteria for assessment here.we stated her all or nothing problems with study,not be able to regulate and sleep issues and that seems to have "justified" her being tested

Great news about DDs upcoming assessment zoo, how is she doing atm?

Thanks so much Bounce, I am off to do some research.
Im very impressed by your DSs list of GCSEs!

Quiet weekend here, my back is playing up after I did some gardening- I think I ruptured disc just before xmas and its still not 100% GP has referred me to physio, Im feeling my age:( Hoping to get out a walk in the sunshine soon.

Hope you are all having a good weekend.

Runner I hope your back improves soon. Getting older has a lot to answer for. I have had more niggles and injuries in the last few years than in the rest of my life.

Another thought on exams, if provider 2 arranges exams for pupils with packages it is worth asking the LA to fund a package. I know you and the provider don’t think it’s worth it, but it might be just for the organisation of exams.

We’ve had a quiet weekend too. DH took DS2&3 to sports matches both mornings and while they were gone DS1 spent a good hour in the garden both days. DS2 had friends round after yesterday’s match to watch the rugby. DS1 always struggles when DS2’s friends are here, despite not having to have anything to do with them. I struggle with this because I feel DS2 should be allowed friends over especially since DS1 doesn’t even have to see them but I know DS1 finds it difficult.