Want to die because of my job

[Rosebel]

I can't believe I feel like this just because of my job but I do. I just want to die. I've looked in to the quickest way to die but I haven't quite got the courage to go ahead.
I can't leave my job because my husband says we need the money and I can't change jobs because of the cost of childcare.
So I'm stuck in a job I really really hate, where I'm bullied all the time by the manager. I tried to complain about being bullied but I got shur down and the managers pulled rank.
The only good things are my husband and kids but they deserve something better someone who isn't in tears all the time. If I wasn't here my husband could find someone who would be a better wife and mum.
I'm so depressed I feel like I'm in a black hole with no way out except to die. No real point to this but just wanted to explain how I felt even if no one reads it.

Hi OP the most worrying line in your post is that you think your children and husband would be better off without you . This is so completely irrational that it is dangerous for you at the moment. You think this because you are in a dark place, you are not in your right mind at the moment, a horrible work situation has made you think there is no hope. There is hope, it's just you can't see it right now.
It is good posting here, an amazing brave first step but better for you to express this out loud to someone who can help you. When you say frightening things aloud their power wains.
You need to tell someone.
If you go to your local A&E you will be able to see a Mental Health Practitioner. They are trained to listen and work out with you what you can do and what they can do for you to be SAFE at the moment. Please take someone with you if you possibly can who can make sure you can say what's happening for you for you and keep you company while you are in the department.
Or you could call an ambulance.
Or the Samaritans who will stay with you on the phone.
You can get through this.
There is never ever ever ever ever a situation where it benefits children for a parent to die by suicide. Please believe me. I know you probably think 'but she doesnt understand how bad things are'. They are dark place thoughts, not real.
Things will get better.

Well done op!! If you need another fortnight on top of that be open with your Gp.

if the issue is the way you are managed it might be worth emailing hr or the manager at the top and explaining that you’ve been signed off with stress directly due to your managers behaviour. Alternatively it might be worth just cutting your losses and moving on

@Rosebel iam so proud of you.

really I am. Like I said this morning, been where you are. It’s totally shit.

you have made a huge step forward for help!!!! That in itself is amazing. You’ve got this, you know deep down you have.

what lovely memories you made for yourself and child today.

let all the negative feelings ( I know so cheesy) fuck the fuck off and REPLACE with positive feelings. With absolutely everything. It really does actually work.

pm me if you like, I will explain xx

I am so sorry you are being bullied at work op. No wonder your mh is suffering. Can you get any advice from a union, from the CAB or get some legal support for yourself with this?

This is advice about workplace bullying from ACAS:

www.acas.org.uk/if-youre-treated-unfairly-at-work/being-bullied

More advice from a pension company:

www.smartpension.co.uk/news-and-media/how-to-handle-workplace-bullying

And advice from the NHS:

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/advice-for-life-situations-and-events/support-for-workplace-bullying/

Please, please try and get some support.

Love to you. I could have written this. Except I'm not being bullied at work. I just can't handle the stress and it's my fault as I'm just taking on a big promotion and I just can't stop thinking that the only want to get out of it all is to do something extreme. I'm crap at my job and just so tired and I don't like who I have become around my kids. They deserve so much better.

Well done OP,

It sounds like you are starting to find yoyrself again.

There was a time (and it seems long ago now) when the pressure of my husbands job/workload/plus a few life difficulties caused his mental health to break down and he was signed off work. It was a very scary time for him, me and our extended families.

What I can tell you with absolute certainty after this experience is that recovery is real! We made the changes we needed to, which for him was going part time, me returning to work (after being a stay at home mum) and also medication.

That very short time of illness (felt longer because it was very tough) but now (12 years on) it was a blip that we overcame. My husband is still hardworking - managing very long days, still part time but home is busy with children and chores and he is resiliant again. He still takes meds but I feel that episode shifted something in his brain chemistry and that they are needed to restore the balance. Attempts to come off them have resulted in a "wobble". I have no issue with the meds being for life. If someone has a stroke and requires blood thinners for life they don't then mess around with them. We have a good quality of life with the usual ordinary ups and downs.

When you are in the thick of it it can be hard to see the wood for the trees but there will be changes you can make that will make you content/balanced again. What advice would you give a friend in your position?

@Aliastoday Why are you going for a promotion if you find your job stressful? Is it because of financial pressures or do you think the pressures will be better/different in the new role?

Because it's a bit of a up or out culture.
But reading the OPs post it's so clear to me that I would advise anyone in my situation so differently to how I'm handling my own life. A lot to think about.

Prioritise yourself and your family here op. That's what is important. When something like work grinds you down it isn't always easy to see clearly.

Working for bad management has a lot to answer for (I've been in this situation a couple of times). First instance I was able to change jobs to something that suited me much better. Second time I requested to change teams - a sideways move but this may not be possible for you.

You are irreplaceable as far as your dc are concerned, don't let any job do this to you. Be kind to yourself. Good luck with job hunting but be sure to take as much sick leave as you are able in the meantime. I'm glad you've been able to talk to your GP.

I've still got over a week off but feeling stressed about going back already. I don't get sick pay so can't afford to be off for longer. I applied for a few jobs yesterday but with the long bank holiday (which I would have been working) I'm not likely to even get an interview before I'm back at work.
Just feel so sick at the thought of going back. Nothing is going to help apart from getting a new job. I feel like running away.
I saw my parents yesterday for the first time in a few weeks (dad's been poorly) and was struck by hoe much they are suddenly struggling.
How can I end things and leave my sister to care for them alone? I don't want to leave my husband or children because I love them but what's the way out? Maybe everyone would be happier if I was dead. I feel like work is crushing me and it seeps in to every part of my life even when I'm off.
Probably not making much sense but I've been awake since 4 just crying and worrying.

So what is the worst outcome if you don’t leave?
What steps can you do as a family to get by till you find another job if you do leave? Are these steps worse than staying and that worst outcome?

Had horrible dreams last night related to returning to work. I could technically take another week off but only if they pay me my holiday pay from 2 months ago.
Given they have fucked it up for the last 2 months I'm not convinced I'll get it this month.
I have applied for other jobs, actually have an interview on Monday but I'm not likely to hear back in time to not go back to work Wednesday.
This job is ruining my life

If you gave your notice in tomorrow, would you be able to pay your mortgage/rent and council tax between you? Are there any things you could cancel, e.g. phone contracts, gym, anything you could downsize e.g car? Or otherwise money you could borrow/draw on till the end of contracts?

Plus have you been on entitled to website to see what you would be entitled to without the income from your job? Is it feasible for you to downsize your house as a plan B if you don’t find another job within a few months

I'm pleased to say I have been offered a new job starting in July. I'm handling my notice in tomorrow and can't wait.
I really don't care how much they upset me now because there is light at the end of the tunnel

Fantastic news op, congratulations 🥳

@Rosebel that's brilliant news, you're on your way out now and you won't look back. If you go back to serve your notice (I didn't, I was signed off sick until the last day) try to let everything wash over you, it's not your problem any more.

Lots of good luck and best wishes