Work and life totally out of balance, utterly miserable - any tips for getting through this (long post - sorry)?

[FlossieT]

I feel like I'm going completely mad at the moment.

I'm working full time, in a job that I only started in mid-Sept last year. I am HATING it at the moment - even though on paper it should be my dream job, doing something I'm supposedly really interested in for a good company. I work from home 2-3 days a week, but have a 1.5-hour commute each way on the other days. It's a new post and the organisation is structurally very chaotic. I am really struggling to understand what is expected of me. I also can't seem to motivate myself to care about it (hmm, hence posting on Mumsnet when I am supposed to be working...).

I have 3 kids, two primary school age and one nearly 2 and in nursery. I am doing a terrible job of parenting them at the moment. The eldest is being completely poisonous - name-calling, answering back, picking fights with both his siblings (especially the middle one) and being physically extremely vicious with everyone. The middle is behaving no worse than usual - but has always been very difficult to handle as has no powers of concentration whatsoever if not motivated, doesn't eat, doesn't listen and is totally hyperactive. The youngest, previously a complete angel, is gearing up for the terrible twos by getting fussy about her food and particularly about where she eats it, copying her eldest brother's vicious behaviour and biting/hitting her siblings, and waking up screaming in the night (previously a reliably sound sleeper).

Instead of being patient and working with them to try and resolve things, I seem to spend about 95% of my time shrieking at them or smacking the older two (and I am NOT the sort of parent that thinks smacking is the automatic answer or the right thing to do).

DH had serious professional exams in October last year, on the results of which an important job offer was resting. He passed (just), but gearing up to the exam was immensely stressful - and since then, he has been working all hours because he swapped a lot of leave and odd shifts so he had time to revise before the exams. He also has no interest whatsoever in housework, household/financial admin, or the boring bits of childcare (like, reply slips for school, diary organisation, swimming lessons, making sure they go to bed on time.....) so I am doing all of that by myself.

I am totally exhausted. If I try to catch up on my sleep by going to bed early, all the chores don't get done, which either keeps me awake through anxiety, or keeps me awake the following night trying to catch up. If I stay up and do the chores, I end up going to bed really late because I can't go to sleep without taking time to wind down first, which inevitably sees me staggering into bed somewhere around 1am. Before Christmas, I was drinking virtually every night, and way more than is good for me. So far in Jan I have managed to stop during the week and limit myself at weekends (score 1 brownie point for me!).

The house is permanently filthy: I mostly manage to put the hoover over about 75% of it approximately once a week, but the bathroom rarely gets cleaned and I haven't even seen my bedroom floor for about 3 months.

I know what I need to do: I need to cut own my working hours. But I don't know how to go about it. I don't really know how far we can afford for me to cut back as I have lost all confidence in my ability to budget accurately (plus DH has been paid so erratically in the last few months that I have no idea which way is up). I also don't know how to approach work about it as I have only been in the job since September and am really embarrassed about going to them so early on and saying, you know, actually I can't hack this. I can't quit altogether as without my salary we have no money to pay for food (DH's covers fixed outgoings and mine does everything else).

I seem to be spending a large proportion of my waking hours crying and wasting time. I can't concentrate on anything. But I don't think I can face going to the GP and getting signed off as it makes me feel like such a failure, and I hate the way it would look to work. Plus DH is very scathing about "depression" and thinks I should just grit my teeth and get through it. He also thinks I shouldn't give up work, although this is partly due to the fact that his mum didn't work when he was growing up and ended up with serious depression, and he firmly believes that wouldn't have happened if she'd had something to do outside the home. So there are all sorts of marital issues there....

help. I don't know where to start but I can't go on like this.

Sorry about the long post.

To a point I think your DH is right , I know working saved my sanity when mine were v small and saves me talking to the walls now they're at school, but I only do 2 days pw and that makes all the difference, as it's a break from home, rather than instead of home iyswim. My MIl definitely finds life hard because she has too much time to dwell on every little problem imo. ( although I know you can keep busy without a job, before I get shouted at)

I think the first thing you need to do is get a cleaner. If you're working full time, that's not an extravagance imo and I'd rather have a cheaper/go without holidays than try to fit housework in around a FT job and 3 DC's.

IKWYM re the boring childcare bits, as my DH is the same, but I also know that when he tries, I don't really trust him to get it right, so check everything, which doesn't save me any time, so now I just live with that part.

As far as your working hours are concerned, I believe the company are obliged to consider your request, but not to give you what you ask for. They need to give reasons for declining though and show that they have made a effort. If things are this bad for you -ask. You'll find not working so much saves you money - things like ready meals and takeaways that you buy because you don't have time to cook for a start. There's a great website, with a free legal helpline for working families which might help. I'll find the address.

working families web site They were great when my boss was trying to make me increase my hours.

I hope this helps a bit and wish you all the best.

Thanks, perpetualworrier. Although I'm not yet entitled to ask for flexible working under the regulations (I won't have been there 26 weeks until March), my employer is the sort of organisation that is more likely to be sympathetic.

I just don't really know how to ask them as I have been there such a short period of time - just under 4 months. It feels like I effectively lied to them when I took the job because I thought I could do it and actually I can't. I was working full-time in my previous job BUT I wasn't commuting (journey was 10 minutes by bike), and I hadn't yet returned to proper full-time hours after coming back from mat leave in Jan '06 when I quit to take my new job (was working equiv of 4 days a week spread over 5). And maybe I would have been able to handle it if there hadn't been all the other stresses to do with DH's job.

I am sending a virtual hug, FlossieT. Sorry you're feeling so down.

I agree that getting some domestic help would be a great place to start. Also I would explain to your DH that you are not very interested in "housework, household/financial admin, or the boring bits of childcare" but it has to be done and he should start doing his share. Give him some responsibility - they are his kids too. If he wants you to stay in your job then he needs to take some of the burden from you.

Re going to the doctors. I was on the brink of depression last year and my GP sorted out some counselling for me. It has been fantastic - things are still problematic, but I have been able to talk things through with an objective person. It took me ages to admit that I needed help (I had been through a very difficult period of my DD2 being extremely ill). However, I now feel as if my batteries have been recharged if that makes sense. Perhaps something similar could be a way for you to move forward?

I suspect that if you get some support then your frustration with your DCs will be less.

It sounds to me that under the circumstances you are doing a tremendous job (or four!). None of us are superwomen.

Patsy x

You probably already know this but I think that it might be helpful to do 2 things in the first instance:

1. see if you can arrange flexible hours as per perpetual said

2. May sound cheesy but:
   CALL A FAMILY MEETING - make time on the weekend and everyone (dh included) sit down and discuss how you are all going to make this work so that EVERYONE can be a bit happier until you are able to limit working hours a bit more:

I would include:
A discussion about appropriate behaviour and sanctions and get everyone to agree!
A discussion about household chores and how to divvy them up incl. dh (consider pocket money tied in to accomplishing tasks for older kids)again.
An apology to the children that life has been very stressful and you have handled it less well than you would have liked and ask for their help.
Time for the children to discuss things that are on their minds...

Sorry this does not solve everything but it might be a start in getting your family to work together to be happy...

The family meeting sounds like a really good idea! Why should you take responsibility for everything?

This hacks me off in my life, too. More and more I'm insisting that my husband attends school meetings, takes people to activities, etc.

Hang in there things will get better, Noone is a superwoman and every family goes through really stressful times. Sometimes its not bad for your dcs to see that life can be stressful - if they are over protected by having a perfect life all the time then they wont be able to handle the real world. Stop beating yourself up. And who sees your bedroom floor anyway???

Sweetheart. I really feel for you.

And I'm afraid I think your partner is being absolutely unreasonable. Housework and gym kits are IMO not fascinating things in themselves but they have to be done. You're carrying everything and I feel very very cross on your behalf.

I reckon the absolutely first priority is to kick your partner into touch. He needs to act like a parent and someone who's sharing your domestic space. Oh, and if you do decide to pay a cleaner, I reckon he should do it as a 'fixed outgoing', frankly.

Oh and if you continue to feel like this if and when he is pulling his weight - because at the moment you sound stressed and exhausted because you are being made to do absolutely everybloodything around the house which frankly which would put anyone under intolerable and depressing pressure - I'd just go to the GP and not tell him. He's not a mental health professional, is he? If not, he's not exactly qualified to make pronouncements about depression.

Ok if this was me I would firstly get some anti-depressants to tide you over in the short term help you calm down and get your thoughts together and think about the problems more rationally - that or an alternative like accupuncture which helps calm the mind and stop the shouting (my first choice is the latter)

Second, I would figure out the minimum I needed to survive comfortably without life becoming stressful and getting into debt - go to moneysavingexpert.com and add in all your outgoings etc there's a budget planner on there - it takes a while though.

3rd If the prognosis is reasonable I would
A: Look for a job with less hours closer to home that is easy and that you would enjoy
B: as for less hours and see what they say with A in mind
C: Re-assess what your ideal job is with your current priorities

Talk to DH so you're not carrying all this burden on your own, you both need to concentrate on family problems not just you.
I have had plenty of times where I feel I am clinging on by my fingertips so empathise

you are depressed from the sounds of it and with good reason.

best cure for depression (if possible, not always possible) is to alleviate the cause which seems patently obvious to me, you're doing way way too much, taking way to much reponsibility and are feeling isolated and overwhelmed with it as would ANYBODY in your situation.

so fwiw:

1. get a cleaner as a matter of urgency, if you can't see for the crap in the house it is very difficult to feel in any way able to sort stuff out in your head. this is not a luxury, for the forseeable, this is a massive necessity.

2. you need to take a day (at least off). next weekend you need to tell dh that's it's all his for the day and you're going out, and go out and sit in a cafe and not even think, just be away from it.

3. you absolutely need to make him pull his weight, divide what you have to do into two columns (shit, not so shit) and you both have to take turns choosing from each column until it is gone. tell him marriage is a partnership and at the moment you might as well be a single mum.

4. before you make all kinds of excuses that it isn't possible/he won't do it/you've got people coming on saturday listen: you're on the edge, i know, i've been there, you need to look after yourself for the sake of your family if you can't do it for you. you're not going to be any use to your kids at all if you find yourself unable to get out of bed in the morning, and it doesn't sound like you're too far off that.

5. instead of going to GP to get anti-depressants, consider some counselling? if only to provide you with a space (other than mn) to breath? cat me if you live in london as i'll be able to recommend good people (don't get anyone out of phone book, you need recommendations).

sorry for being a bit fascist about it, but i think it's a bit of an emergency.

should add, that gp might be able to offer counselling, and i'm not anti anti-deps, however your depression seems (only seems, i only can go on what you've said) entirely situation based....don't think that you need anti-deps, you just need to change your shitty environmental factors atm.

flossie - your OP sounded as I could have written it TBH. Although I don't work full time (but I do so much out of hours from home that I might as well be). My DH works long hours so can't do that much but the spirit is willing to a greater extent than your DH from the sound of it.

First of all the booze is a problem and I speak as one who 'self-medicates' a little too often at times of stress. But it makes you feel ill and even more depressed in the long run. Cutting that back will really help and you've started that process already. Are you eating well? That makes a difference. Is there any way you could get some regular exercise. I find that running really boosts my spirits. Anti-ds? They do work but the first three things might help enough on their own.

If you can afford it get a cleaner but be warned, if your family are anything like mine all the good work that he/she does will be undone in less than a day and you end up thinking 'what is the point?'. Your DH does need to take some of the weight off your shoulders. If he is worried about you giving up work, tell him that if he helped out more you might be more able to cope with a job and a household, but as it is you can't! Unless he is particularly stupid he must see that he isn't helping.

With regard to the job, feeling like you are short-changing everyone (incl yourself)is not good for your self-esteem no matter how wonderful the job is on paper. I'm in a similar situation re work - apart from the fact the this isn't my dream job but I am possibly going to be made redundant and even if that doesn't happen the job is changing so much I can't see how I can carry on doing it. So I'm looking at new directions now - umming and ahhing a bit as the money is an issue, but I am definitely going to move on. You need to discover just how much it really is your dream job and whether it's worth the misery. If you decide that it is, tackle your manager re flexible/part-time working - he can only say no. If it isn't start looking for something gentler whilst you still have a job as that gives you a headstart.

Thanks, all. Just hearing that it is actually a lot to cope with helps a tiny bit... I tend to beat myself up with, everyone else seems to manage so why not me?

Marital probs are a big big big big issue. Trouble is I don't know what to do about it. I know I love him, and when we are NOT absorbed in day to day we are very happy... and I really feel the kids deserve two parents... but he is not willing to go to counselling. have tried over and over to explain how I am feeling but I can't seem to find the right words to get through to him and I feel I have no sanctions available to me as I am absolutely not prepared to leave.

Family meeting sounds good. We have never done one before, but no time like the present and all that.

Will make GP appointment forthwith. I think what has been putting me off is, as you say sophable, it's situational rather than chemical so I felt like the GP was the wrong place to start... after all there is no prescription for an extra couple of hours in every day and an extra day in the weekend. And while I desperately want the space that being signed off would give me, I really hate the message it would send to my employer.

Sadly, while DH not mental health professional, he is a health professional who has spent some time working in psychology and GP practices. Hence lack of sympathy packs slightly more than average punch.

I feel like I could handle things if I had (a) a week or so to recover, take a deep breath and do stuff like, find a cleaner, plan our budget properly (have downloaded the MSE budget planner before but only managed to fill in about the first 10% before running out of time), take a hard look at my life and work out what I can cut out, put some effort into job-hunting etc. etc. etc. (b) had more time within the average week to e.g. go to acupuncture. But neither is happening anytime soon.

Being a grown-up is too high a price to pay for being able to eat ice cream for supper if you feel like it. grr.

Well if he's a health professional with some knowledge of psychology he presumably understands the concepts of 'stress' and 'overload'? And your need for sleep?

I would really be wary of leaving a job that in many ways is great, on the basis that it gives your DH a free hand to continue 'not interested' in gym kits. (I fecking hate gym kits. Loathe them with a passion.)

motherinferior: Indeed. He is very big on sleep and can't understand why I choose to do chores rather than go to bed. "Why do you have to do all this now?" (Answer: I wouldn't have to if you did more of it.... to give him at least a tiny fraction of credit, I went to bed at 10:30 last night at his insistence, and he did manage to do most of the washing up and lay the table for breakfast).

I think he thinks I "shouldn't" be stressed because he simply can't see the size of the burden I'm carrying at home. So he compares his job to my job and concludes that mine is fewer hours and less high-pressure than his, and he is coping, therefore I should be too. He doesn't care about housework, therefore it doesn't exist, therefore it can't be adding anything to my workload. Magic. And it has too much of an impact on how I feel about life for me to just stop doing it all so he can see what happens.

I really hate the fact that I seem to be becoming a person who sees obstacles rather than possibilities.

I think you should list all the stuff that needs to be done. In detail. Like 'clean bath'. 'Fossick through book-bags for letters from school and write replies and write down on the calendar'. 'Strip the beds'. 'Put sheets in washing machine'. 'Remake beds'. 'Find someone to sort out the fact that the dishwasher keeps making that weird noise'. And so on.

You are not IMO seeing obstacles, you are seeing tasks.

And I do feel very cross at the position you've been put in, where you're considering leaving a job solely (it seems to me) because your DH expects the housework fairy to do all that boring housework stuff.

(My partner and I do pay to have our house - rather badly - cleaned, btw. But we pay between us.)

"And it has too much of an impact on how I feel about life for me to just stop doing it all so he can see what happens."

Snap! I can't bear the house to be too messy and it makes me miserable. DH wouldn't register until his feet started sticking to the carpet .

Can you write a list of chores that have to be done - don't include too much cleaning and tidying as he will deny the neccessity of that if he is as blinkered to it as my DH is and it spoil the impact of the list. Shopping, cooking, clothes washing, ironing, lunchboxes, uniforms, gym kit, bedtime etc. Things that simply have to be done. So he can see what you acheive every day. And get him to agree to do half, or a good proportion.

FlossieT I can completely understand. I am in the same situation myself. I have 2 children 1 dd 3yo and 1 ds who is 14 months. I worked 4 days per week as an engineer (completely male dominated organisation so after they'd agreed to this through the flexible working policy they regretted it) when I had my first dd and this wasn't too bad. My nursery opened at 7.30am and I was about 10 miles from the office. To cut a long story short I was offered a team leader position on the understanding I would come back full time. My old boss whose job I took was awful. He was made redundant and because of all the hassle we had with him it was assumed I would take over from him I thought great, better wage etc. We were moving as well which didn't help. We needed the extra money I got from the promotion. 2 weeks after a c-section we moved into a rented flat until we could find a house we wanted to buy. This took 9 months and was a nightmare. Eventually we get into the house which is about 35 miles from where I work. They won't offer home working for this new position as I need to be in the office. I can't drop the kids off any earlier than 8am so I'm always late for work and have to dash out at 5. The traffic is horrendous so although I can get into Leeds in 20 minutes, I'm queueing for 50 minutes to travel 2 miles to my office. My ds is quite a handful, very happy but needs lots of stimulation and isn't a great sleeper. In fact he's been awake every 3 hours over the last week or so. My new job is much more stressful as I have to deal with engineers some of which seem to have no social skills LOL. One of the lads I work with kept coming in late and I had to pull him up about it, he ended up storming off and I ended up in tears as I thought I'd handled it really badly. I'm also on call so I get calls late at night for technical support. In addition I'm still doing my old role which quite frankly is work taking the p*ss. Both kids have been ill on and off since I took them full time to nursery so I'm constantly letting work down and also tiring myself out because if they didn't sleep one night I was completely thrown out of kilter. I really think I came close to a breakdown and something has to give. I worked out our finances with dh and I will be asking for a demotion back to my original position and applying for 3 days per week. I'm not holding out much hope but if I don't get this then I will be leaving and finding a job nearer home. I love my job and the lads I work with but my health is really suffering and I want to see my kids and spend time with them. Which has been happening at work and home for months. I know for me personally I'll regret it later if I don't. I still need to work for the social and financial reasons but you live to your means and we'll manage I'm sure. Don't know if it's the same for you but we have no family around us to help either. I felt 10 times better once I'd mentally made this decision but the hard part now is asking my work and seeing if they will help me. You seem to be halfway there as they operate a flexible working arrangement with you already. I would sit down, take stock of your situation and what you would really want to do if money etc wasn't a problem and then try and work a solution out around that. If you are happier then your children and your work will sort itself out. My dh was the same, he helps around the house thankfully but he had his head in the sand about how much it was affecting me. I seriously thought I was going mad. I have always been able to cope but my second child, the move and the job has just thrown us into chaos. God, how depressing am I....I do feel better since I took the time to assess the situation and decided on a plan. I hope you get it sorted, let me know how you get on and big hugs (some blokes just don't get it do they!)

SNAP!

(PS I blew up at Mr Inferior about fecking gym kit this week, you will not be enormously surprised. Have you EVER sorted it out, I ranted? No, he said, but...I've carried it in. He did concede at this point that he was talking out of his @rse.)

OrmIrian, LOL, I made a list of all the household chores, gave me a flamin' heart attack....I was quite impressed with myself...I hadn't forgotten anything but it was mammoth...it's sitting in the kitchen drawer now! btw I think this list did help dh to realise that housework and kids is more work than a full time job so it had it's benefits if nothing else!! If you want a copy FlossieT send me your email address and I'll send it over, it'll give you a laugh if nothing else :0

Should get some work done myself really....

In the short-term; - and agree with lots of long term things people have suggested - I would pull a sicky. You may be too ethical to do this, but for the sake of your future health, a couple of days off now, may make a lot of difference.
Big hugs

can't you get the norovirus for a few days to get yourself sorted a bit ... everyone would be grateful that you didn't come in with that.

What a brilliant idea rebelmum1.....