Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Want to die

41 replies

Rosebel · 15/02/2022 17:51

I don't want to live anymore. I hate my job so much that I don't want to live another day doing it. It sounds stupid and dramatic but that's how I feel.
No one cares though. No one can help me. Can't give up though because we need the money.
I have a great husband and lovely kids but they deserve more than me. More than someone who's miserable and wants to end things.
I'm too scared to actually try and kill myself though incase it doesn't work and I survive.
Just so depressed. I actually think I'm fucking cracking up.

OP posts:
LostMyLastHatfulOfWords · 15/02/2022 17:56
Flowers so sorry you feel like this!
Icecreamandapplepie · 15/02/2022 17:57

Sorry you feel so bad.

There's no one your kids need more than you, you are enough.

Can you look for a new job ASAP? Get signed off for a while?

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 15/02/2022 17:58

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Flowers
Greentomatoes21 · 15/02/2022 18:04

So sorry you are feeling like this. You say you feel your family deserves more...but so do you. YOU deserve more. You matter. You happiness matters. You may feel that no one cares, because when you can't see the wood from the trees, that's what it feels like. But I'm sure that there are plenty of people in your life who care very much. Please seek some help in real life. Post here as much as you need to. Xxx

Scabetty · 15/02/2022 18:05

You have identified your job as causing you to feel so low so get signed off - do you get sick pay? Take some time to get yourself in a better place mentally before committing to another job. Self care is important and once you feel better you can think about other jobs.

LukeSkywalkerNooooooooo · 15/02/2022 18:06

OP you should speak to your dr and go on sick leave while you look for another job.

You deserve to be happy.

Hold on and take care of yourself. Anything that makes you feel better or comforted. Have a bath, watch some ASMR videos on YouTube, cuddle your husband- anything that makes you feel comforted tonight.

Does your husband know how you feel?

KittenKong · 15/02/2022 18:07

Please speak to someone in real life. You are in the hole right now - but you haven’t always been here have you? Remember when you were happy and had joy in your life - even contentment? You can get there again.

Your job. Well it’s not the only one on the world is it? Brush up the cv and think about what you’d like to do - could you do a course in the meantime to start working towards your exist?

What do you do for yourself? Is there anything you manage to find time for that’s just for you?

Are you eating and sleeping ok?

Scabetty · 15/02/2022 18:15

Pick up the phone and talk to the Samaritans. Get it off your chest and they will listen without judgement. You are your kids world so please know you are valued Flowers

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/02/2022 18:26

Are you a teacher?

Anyway, you need to get signed off sick and take it from there?

Original poster
Rosebel · 15/02/2022 19:28

Not a teacher no. I can't get signed off because I can't afford to be on SSP. I'm trying to apply for other jobs but it's hard to find time or motivation.
I just can't help feeling everyone would be better off without me..
My husband knows how I feel, but not how bad but there isn't really anything he can do. Nothing anyone can do because I still have to go to work tomorrow. I just know I'm going to screw up and be told off.
It was supposed to be a low stress job but it's not. The majority of new starters don't even last a week.

OP posts:
dazzlingdeborahrose · 15/02/2022 20:43

@Rosebel There is nothing in this world that will be better if you are not in it. Nothing. Please, please speak to your doctor or the Samaritans. You can get through this.

Cissyandflora · 15/02/2022 20:49

You are so important. You deserve happiness and peace. If it’s work that’s getting you this low then you’ll have to leave. Better to go without money and change things now rather than spiral with depression and stress. Is there someone you can go for walks with? Just walking and talking can sometimes help. I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. Life is incredibly difficult sometimes.

Cissyandflora · 15/02/2022 20:51

But things can get better. I meant to add that. Even the darkest of days can be got through. I wish I could help you in some way. It’s so awful to feel so low.

LostMyLastHatfulOfWords · 15/02/2022 21:45

What would have to change to make life worth living?

DSGR · 15/02/2022 21:49

If you quit your job would your life immediately improve. If that’s the case then you must quit. You will find a way, you really will, even if it’s working two other jobs while you find something else.
Please don’t leave your children, there is a way out of this.
Please call the Samaritans and tell them how you’re feeling. Go to the GP, there is support available

KeepYaHeadUp · 15/02/2022 21:50

@Rosebel - your family are better off with you here. Deep down you know this, though maybe not right now. Throwing everything away for something that CAN change, even if not right now, is so pointless.

Please speak to your doctor and get some support in real life. You are not the first person who's felt this way, and SO many people who have will tell you that they're so, so glad they survived it.

Original poster
Rosebel · 20/02/2022 19:28

Talking to my husband has been pointless as he's absolutely determined I can't leave work until I get a new job. He doesn't understand that because I struggle to get through every day applying for rew jobs feels overwhelming.
I have managed to apply for a new job this week though.
I can't talk to anyone about just how bad I feel, can't really see how it would help

OP posts:
RockpoolGirl · 20/02/2022 22:27

Did you tell your husband what you wrote here, how awful you feel?

Original poster
Rosebel · 20/02/2022 23:04

Yes I actually showed him this thread because I thought he'd get it. He says he does understand but we need the money and being depressed and broke won't help. I knew he wouldn't let me give up my job anyway. I mean I know he can't actually stop me but he'd be really pissed off and I can't just ignore his wishes. He said a lot of things about how him and the kids love and need me but still insisted I kept my job.
I feel like a hamster stuck on a wheel. I have moments where Im sure things will be okay but as soon as work is less than 48 hours away I just feel myself sinking. It's fucking horrible quite scary.

OP posts:
fortunenookie · 20/02/2022 23:11

You can’t stay in a job that is doing this to you. If it’s a choice between a wife on the brink of suicide or a month or two without her wage it’s absolutely a no brained.
Your children love you and need you. You are their world. You can get another job. They will never have another you.

I would also echo contacting the Samaritans
Try to get a GP appointment first thing

Babadook76 · 20/02/2022 23:19

Your husbands a fucking cunt. His wife’s screaming for help and he’s more concerned about money. There’s enough support in this country that you can quit a job that literally makes you want to slit your own throat without starving to death. Please show him my post so I can tell him what a disgusting piece of shit he is and he doesn’t deserve you. I’m struggling to imagine such a pathetic excuse for a husband that his only solution to you wanting to kill yourself is to carry on working and wanting to kill yourself because he wants the money. Can you leave and take the kids op? Whose name is the house in?

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 20/02/2022 23:25

OP my job was messing up my MH and my anxiety was so bad I was struggling to talk about anything other than it. Threatened to leave a few times and DH said find a new job first. This was impossible as struggled to get time off. Anyway it came to a head one day when my boss caught me saying unsavoury things about her. Not proud of it but I reached my limit and I did apologise but I knew I'd had enough and I quit that day. I found a new job a few weeks later. No job is worth killing yourself over. Get signed off sick if you need to but find yourself another job. You can do it and you will be so much happier I guarantee.

DarkChocolateMint · 20/02/2022 23:38

Honey no job is worth that.... pack the job in.... you will manage SOMEHOW- have some ME time for a few days or as long as it takes and use the free time to apply for something better.

Somehow, we always manage.

You got this...Thanks

Fairytoast · 21/02/2022 10:49

I totally get where you are right now. I am in a similar position. I have some physical and mental health issues and I’ve hit rock bottom. I hate my job too and my dh says I can’t leave until I’ve found something else but it’s a struggle looking for something when you feel at rock bottom, I need a break right now not plunged into a new job with the stress which comes with that. I have been signed off from the GP today, for 2 weeks. I don’t know where I will get the money from as I don’t get paid sick leave and am under the threshold for ssp. I also haven’t yet plucked up the courage to ring and tell my employer as she’ll make a fuss. I’m sorry I don’t have any answers for you but I totally understand everything you’ve said in your op Flowers.

zxcvzxcvz · 21/02/2022 10:52

Are you on antidepressants OP -have you been in touch with your GP. AD doesn't remove the problem but it does help you to think more rationally. Was in the same place a month ago as you are except health issues rather than work.