Can't do this anymore

[thesootherfairy]

It just can't. I have an Ed and depression. I'm so low. I had to fight for 18 months for therapy and treatment. I'm currently failing at therapy. I never know what to say so I end up not saying much. I'm completely useless.

I'm having issues at work and failing there. Failing badly and it's massively financially impacting my family.

I'm a shit parent. My DC deserve better.
My DH deserves better.

I'm embarrassing. I'm boring and have achieved nothing and failed at everything.

I tried ADs. Had allergic/anaphylactic
reactions to all three classes of AD.
I can't carry on.

I don't go out. I find socialising so stressful. This impacts DH who is massively social and DC take after him.
The only good thing about covid has been no socialising.
We were meant to go to a party on NYE but it was cancelled due to host having covid. I'm so ashamed to say I felt relieved because it meant I didn't have to go or let anyone down by not going.
I have not seen my best friend since June and have barely spoken or text her. I just can't make myself. And I don't know what to say to her. I have no conversation.
I keep crying. DS caught me crying both today and last night. Poor DS. I don't seem to be able to stop.
I just can't anymore.
The monumental effort it takes to get showered and dressed and put a normal
Happy face on and go to work is killing me. Pretending to my family that it's all ok.
Well it's not ok. It's really fucking far from ok.
I'm useless at talking which is why I'm
Failing at therapy. I can't find the words and don't know what to say.
I have nothing left to give.

(((HUG)))

You're not failing & you're not useless x

How old are your kids?

How would your DH describe you?

@JasmineGarden
DS is 10 DD is 12. No idea how Dh would describe me though.

It's a lovely stage before they hit their teens!

I've more questions than answers, when is your next therapy session? Is it 'in oerson'?

My next therapy appointment is next Wednesday. It's unfortunately online. Don't really like zoom. It's such a strange concept

I'm really sorry you're having such a tough time of it. Are you able to talk with your husband about how bad you're feeling? And would you feel comfortable explaining to the therapist how you're feeling about therapy and in general? It might help her know how make the sessions a bit more useful or productive for you. I hate zoom too! I used to be a therapist and honestly, the fact you're even giving it a go means you aren't even failing a little bit. You have been so brave to fight for help and to keep on going. Sending you a big hug

That sounds really tough, but you are not failing. Your kids just need you to be there, that's all.

Would taking some time off work help to relieve some of the pressure?

I may be way off base here, but as you mentioned struggling with talking, socialising and an ED have you ever wondered if Aspergers/autism traits might be the underlying issue? Feel free to disregard that idea if you think it's irrelevant.

It's OK to tell people you are not OK and need help. [hug]

Sorry I dropped out last night, I didn't mean to!

Therapy on zoom must be very very hard, I don't even like talking to friends on video calls.

Could you send an email to say you're finding it difficult & what might help? Could you tell them one thing you'd like to talk about and a few brief points that they can nudge you with?

You're not failing at therapy, it's just bloody difficult to open up on a camera!!

Thank you all for the messages.

I have tried to talk to DH but he sort of jollies me along and says it will all be fine. It isn't.

I can't take time off work. I'm self employed. The kind who employ other people. It's a nightmare really. Am so stressed. Got to get invoices out today and work finished so I can pay paye (late payment for last month!) and VAT is due today. It's a constant struggle.

I had been accepted by NHS for ED therapy but they kicked out/discharged me. (Long tale over on the Ed threads). She didn't want to continue my treatment as she felt I needed an ASD assessment. Couldn't get one because no one else agreed with her. So I was discharged with nothing but still suffering from ED. They failed to diagnose the depression. This was done privately later on.

Current private paid for therapist (much more experienced and higher expertise in ED than the NHS one). Doesn't feel that I meet any criteria for ASD at all. I suppose this is a positive as that's one item to draw a line under.

Psychiatrist said ED and major depression. So here we are.

I feel like crap. I want to crawl under a rock and never come out again.

I've let everyone down.

That sounds really hard. Has anyone spoken to you about the long term impact on an ED on your brain? The malnourishment can cause depression - you aren’t mad bad or defective, you have starved yourself. Good nutrition should cure this, although it is going to be really hard to push through the anxiety and depression to get there.

@wobbleinprogress
Thank you. Psychiatrist said I hadn't lost enough weight for the Ed to be the cause of depression. I've since gained some weight and I feel worse not better.

Had to collect DS from school. He isn't feeling good. Taken him to GP and it's tonsillitis. So that's my working day toast with nothing to show for it.

I just can't any more.

Sounds like you have an awful lot on. Be kind to yourself and hang in there - we all struggle juggling family and jobs and sometimes it does all fall apart, but it’s usually ok in the end.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

You can have Ketamine infusions at Oxford hospital it’s a cross between private and NHD l think .

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I'll look into that. Thank you.

Don't understand why I feel so awful.

@MillieMumsnet thank you. V kind.

Here’s the link.

Meant to be excellent for treatment resistant. Have you seen a psych?

www.oxfordhealth.nhs.uk/ketamine-service/

You need to feed your tummy. Seratonin receptors are in there .

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow
Yes I've seen a psychiatrist. He was the one who prescribed all the ADs which I was allergic to. He then said he couldn't do anything else apart from CBT for depression once I'd completed ED therapy. He didn't mention this drug in Oxford you linked me to.

Not convinced lack of serotonin is the issue. Psychiatrist said I hadn't lost enough weight for the depression to be caused by the ED.

Sorry you are feeling this way. I’m sure that having an eating disorder doesn’t necessarily lead you to lose a lot of weight so it could be an idea to get a referral.

My gp is nice. I might ask her what she thinks of that ketamine infusion

I thought ketamine was something young people took when clubbing.

It was used for clubbing l think. There’s a programme on iplayer about how successful it is for depression

It breaks up the area of the brain responsible for feeling shit and rebuilds it or something.

It breaks up the area of the brain responsible for feeling shit and rebuilds it or something.

OP - have a look for a remedial hypnotist in your area. It doesn't involve being put in a trance and most practitioners offer a free initial consultation.

thecontrolsystem.co.uk/find-a-practitioner

It breaks up the area of the brain responsible for feeling shit and rebuilds it or something

How else would you like me to write it? I’m not a do it. It’s not snake oil as it’s available in 2 hospitals and there is a fantastic programme on iplayer about some patients who did it. If you’d like it in medic speak it ‘rebuilds the neural pathways’

Is that good enough for you?🤷🏼‍♀️ Sorry for not having the correct medically scientific correct terminology.

I am not a doctor, but I think there are far more than 3 types of ADs.
I once had depression for a little while. I personally, was prescribed 3 sorts, before the 3rd one did make a difference. The other two, one made no difference, and the other one made me feel strange.

I think there are different therapists too. And I have seen on here, you need to find one you click with?

I wouldnt be giving up yet if I were you.