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Mental health

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Original poster

Just want to die

54 replies

havalina · 21/12/2007 01:08

I honestly think I may wait until after the xmas period has passed and just off myself. For the last couple of months all I have felt is hopeless and pathetic and stupid and useless.

I developed Pnd after my Ds last year, then my Mum died, which made it worse. I have been up and down since and on various AD's. But I just can't see the effing point, I'm horrible to my kids, I'm just gonna fuck them up anyway.

I hate myself I really do I am useless and fat and ugly , I don't want to try any more it doesn't work life is shit I want to die. I am disgusting, I don't want to pretend to be happy for xmas I want to crawl under a rock or run away.

OP posts:

LadyOfWassail · 21/12/2007 01:10

firstly {{{hugs}}} I am probably gonna be up for ages if you want to talk. Why do you think you are going to fuck your kids up? Whye xactly do you want to die? Do you want to die or just don't really feel like 'life' at the moment?

pukkapatch · 21/12/2007 01:15

no useful advice. just lots of hugs.

your dosage needs to be upped.
you need something in your life that makes youfeel better aboutyourself. ime it was something complelty unrelated tot he children.
you need to work on your looks for your own selfexsteem.
useless moms dont come to parenting websites looking for help.

MotherFunk · 21/12/2007 01:16

Message withdrawn

MotherFunk · 21/12/2007 01:17

Message withdrawn

Original poster

havalina · 21/12/2007 01:18

I just can't do the best for my kids, I'n never consistent, I scream and shout , I can't play with them, I don't know why I just can't.

I want to die because life just seems so fucking pointless and cruel. I had hopes but now I don't even care what happens I'm never gonna be anything. I fail in everything I try. God I just sound so whiny it's awful.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 21/12/2007 01:18

I don't want to die.

What I want to do is just fucking disappear.

LadyOfWassail · 21/12/2007 01:19

What ADs are you on? I thought no AD would ever make me happy etc. but suprisingly when I got the right combo of 40mg citalopram with diazepam when I needed it, ditto sleeping tablets I improved no end. I was seriously bad, although life itself had a huge factor in making me down, when the ADs were right your whole view of it all changes. Some days it's all I can do to drag myself out of bed and look after DS, but I have learned to relax about it and not beat myself up about no doing X Y or Z, because years ago I couldn't even get out of bed some days.

expatinscotland · 21/12/2007 01:20

the last time I relaxed is when someone injected me with general anaesthesia.

you're not alone, havalina.

Original poster

havalina · 21/12/2007 01:21

I'm not on any AD's just seem to go round and round in a circle with doctors. I can't tell them hoe I feel because they don't ask. It's just in and out with some Ad which either doesn't work or has bad side effects.

OP posts:

pukkapatch · 21/12/2007 01:22

right, you need time out.
then you need to realise that you dont have to be a good mother. just a good enough mother. which will happen as soon as you start feeling better about yourself.
how old are your children? let your dh, or some other family member have them for the day, and go spend time an dmoney on yoursefl for the day if y ou have it. if youdont have money, have a day at home with a long hot bath, manicure pedicure, and tv, and lots of chocolate.
also, go see the doctor tomorrow to get your meds upped.
and stay away from wine/alchol etc.

pukkapatch · 21/12/2007 01:23

go and tell them how you feel. that is why you are going after all, to get help. if you dont tell them, then they wont know there is a problem.

Original poster

havalina · 21/12/2007 01:23

Know what you mean expat, the urge to just fucking run to god knows where is so strong. I seem to be okay for a bit, then just sink, I can't do it any more.

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LadyOfWassail · 21/12/2007 01:24

I don't talk to my GP either - the only person I ever opened up to was a PTSD therapist. Is there anyone you see who you can open up too? Through them you can get what you need - it was the therapist who sorted out my tablets, not the GP.

expatinscotland · 21/12/2007 01:24

Havalina, I fool around online looking at tickets.

Today I was fondling my passport.

'if I could just get out for a bit, yeah? sneak off a bit and just maybe get some sleep.'

I don't know, but you're not on your own.

Original poster

havalina · 21/12/2007 01:26

I put on my coping face in the doctors, they just use their little quiz they don't really want to know.

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LadyOfWassail · 21/12/2007 01:26

Ditto avoiding booze, and I found avoiding sugary things aswell helped me, it made my ups and downs all over the place, especially at night. I avoid tea/coffee/pops/sweets and all that from about 3pm ish. Sounds far fetched ish and like it wouldn't make alot of difference to severe feelings, but I really found it worked.

MotherFunk · 21/12/2007 01:26

Message withdrawn

Original poster

havalina · 21/12/2007 01:29

I have no one to talk to apart from you lot. I find it hard to talk about my feelings in real life.

Thanks expat it's good to know.

Mumsnet is a blessing and a curse, some threads make me want to stab myself in the eye comparing myself how shit I am.

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expatinscotland · 21/12/2007 01:32

You are preaching to the choir, havalina!

I don't let it out.

No way some total stranger is going to see me out of control!

I don't think so!

But I'd gladly jump on the first boat I saw running.

MotherFunk · 21/12/2007 01:33

Message withdrawn

LadyOfWassail · 21/12/2007 01:35

I get strong urges to just run too - really strong but I don't I don't think it hurts to maybe fantasise abit about it, maybe look at places to go and the feeling fade abit for the time being. It's so hard to say because every person, and every day is so different in the way you experience depression or whatever. DOn't compare yourself to people on MN threads - I swear the place is filled with superwomen! Just cut everything back in your mind to the bare bare minimum when it's ontop of you. Literally feed and water the kids and keep breathing. That's enough some days.

Original poster

havalina · 21/12/2007 01:35

Motherfunk I know what you mean, I try but then I snap. I wonder if the fun mummy having tickles playing games/ to the please go away, snappy, grumpy mummy conversion isn't harming them more.
I can take so much of my 4 year old climbing on me, wanting me and nagging me for so long then I snap and shout and push her away. She doesn't understand , and she is misbehaving so much, it must be my fault.

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Original poster

havalina · 21/12/2007 01:38

How do you go about feeling better about yourself? I live in the realm of yummy mummys, I just feel so inferior and disgusting

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LadyOfWassail · 21/12/2007 01:39

When your DC are getting too much can you just set them up with a few toys and shut yourself in your bedroom for a little while and do something like... footspa/listen to music/red a while... anything to maybe relax you/calm you down slightly while also giving your DC time out? Just set the climber down on the floor and go, and avoid any shouting etc? I know I do it with my 20 month old sometimes, I just have to get away from the climing/hair pulling/car bashing on my head/get the car from being the TV cabinet again for a while sometimes.

Original poster

havalina · 21/12/2007 01:39

Do9 you feel better now motherfunk, was it anything you did or just time?

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