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Mental health

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Original poster

Just want to die

54 replies

havalina · 21/12/2007 01:08

I honestly think I may wait until after the xmas period has passed and just off myself. For the last couple of months all I have felt is hopeless and pathetic and stupid and useless.

I developed Pnd after my Ds last year, then my Mum died, which made it worse. I have been up and down since and on various AD's. But I just can't see the effing point, I'm horrible to my kids, I'm just gonna fuck them up anyway.

I hate myself I really do I am useless and fat and ugly , I don't want to try any more it doesn't work life is shit I want to die. I am disgusting, I don't want to pretend to be happy for xmas I want to crawl under a rock or run away.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 21/12/2007 01:39

I don't.

I just dodge along, tbh.

if it makes you feel better, there are no yummy mummies around me.

There are just a bunch of birds and wildlife and cows.

Original poster

havalina · 21/12/2007 01:42

They are 4 and 1 so I can't really leave them alone, my whole day is spent rushing through so I can put them to bed.

I really hate being a mother, but what can I do

OP posts:

LadyOfWassail · 21/12/2007 01:44

can you not leave them in their rooms for a little while? I guess at 4 they can open doors and that... would they leave you alone in your bedroom for a little bit if you asked?

expatinscotland · 21/12/2007 01:46

TBH, I wish I could go to Amsterdam and just get stoned off my fucking nut for days on end.

slim22 · 21/12/2007 01:47

Make time for yourself. Nobody will give it to you. Be a bit selfish.
You are in overload. Not to undermine in any way how you feel, but quite common.
Those who cope better is because they manage help and ME time.

Can you get any respite? Can somebody look after them a couple of times a week? Do they go to nursery?

Granny22 · 21/12/2007 01:47

Havalina - I have been there too and Christmas is the worst time. Everybody expects you to be happy and enjoying yourself and that is impossible. It is however only one day and you will get through it and a week later it will be a whole new year when things will get better. ADs can take about 6 weeks to really kick in and when you don't feel any benefit right away you think they are never going to work but they do. In two or three months from now you will feel much better and by the Spring and Summer you will be your old self again.

I did not believe this at the time I was suffering but it is true. You need someone to talk to who is not directly involved. I hope your GP is arranging counselling for you. In the meantime I have seen many people get strong support here on mumsnet.

You have taken a step forward out of the dark pit by posting on here. There will be a small part of the real you inside that remains strong which will prevent you from doing anything which might damage your children. You are not useless - anyone still coping day after day whilst suffering depression deserves the highest praise. People who are lucky enough to never suffer in this way will never understand how much effort it can take to get out of bed or go shopping or make the dinner but you have made yourself do these things and you can and will do it for a little while longer until the ADs take effect.

Keep posting let all the grief and bad feelings pour out here, lots of us have been where you are and have managed to get back on an even keel.

Original poster

havalina · 21/12/2007 01:47

No, my 4 year old is persistent in the least, she won't leave me alone even if I break down and cry. Thank you all for talking to me, I must go to bed. I do feel less lonely.

Thanks expat I know you have been through a shitty time recently.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 21/12/2007 01:49

wouldn't that be cool if we could just meet up at the airport and bail for a bit, havalina?

LadyOfWassail · 21/12/2007 01:49

THere is usually always someone on MN around to talk (maybe not after about 3am though!) - use us! It helped me no end having someone to talk to as I talk to no one in RL. Check in in the morning x

LadyOfWassail · 21/12/2007 01:50

Blimey, that'll be next - a MN meet up in Amsterdam with everyone getting stoned beyond belief!

Original poster

havalina · 21/12/2007 01:50

And I'll join you in amsterdam, I have a small obsession about going to a music festival (3 days of pure me hedonism) hopefully my sister will follew through in 2008.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 21/12/2007 01:51

i'd meet you up and we'd just get utterly waylaid the whole time!

'oh, expat, what will help you?'

'i could use some weed right about now, doc' .

Original poster

havalina · 21/12/2007 01:51

Glasto? you know you want to

OP posts:

LadyOfWassail · 21/12/2007 01:52

Two grins pot and music, whatever floats your boats!

slim22 · 21/12/2007 01:54

Expat, also dream about weekend in Amsterdam ON MY OWN.

Havalina, get out of the house as often as you can. Staying indoors with kids that age makes you insane.

Structure your day. Morning to local playgroups so DD 4 can give you a break and socialise while you can moan with other likeminded sleepless mums in the baby corner.

back home, lunch, nap and off to the park/playground for fresh air. Just push the buggy and walk aimlessly and breathe deeply and clear your head.
Back home. Don't feel guilty about sticking them in front of TV while you have a tea break or else.

Keep it steady and simple and busy. It's just a few more months in your life. We all get stuck in that awfull limbo period when they are toddlers and litterally suck the life out of you.

Hang on.

Original poster

havalina · 21/12/2007 01:55

I am determined, gonna go on my bloody own if I have to.

OP posts:

MotherFunk · 21/12/2007 01:58

Message withdrawn

MotherFunk · 21/12/2007 02:01

Message withdrawn

Original poster

havalina · 22/12/2007 00:59

I would love that Motherfunk, but I don't have any friends or anywhere to go really. My sister is coming down for the holidays, which is a nice distraction. That is the kind of thing I need, to be able to go to a friends house for a couple of hours, or somewhere non stressful like shopping, will work on it in the new year. Thanks for your input btw

OP posts:

Original poster

havalina · 22/12/2007 01:01

Am also very of you going away for days

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OverRated · 22/12/2007 01:03

Hi Havalina - I tried to post last night but MN stopped working so i wanted to come back and see how you are - it is soooo hard to believe that things can get better, I know.

I could do with a weekend in Amsterdam too

Original poster

havalina · 22/12/2007 01:08

Maybe it could be a mumsnet sponsored trip, marijuana for for mothers or something could get charity sponsorship.

OP posts:

slim22 · 22/12/2007 01:52

Hi glad to see there still some humour in you.
Take care and just try and get away from DC as much as you can for the next few weeks.
You just need to regroup.

Motherfunk, also so at whole weekends away!!!

OverRated · 22/12/2007 02:18

Great idea Havalina!

Do take care of yourself - even little things like trying to eat well or drinking plenty of water can make a bit of a difference. I know it won't change things but if it makes you feel better for a second, it is worth it.

I'd be much better if I listened to my own advice. However, the wine is calling...

MotherFunk · 23/12/2007 12:27

Message withdrawn

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