Is this trauma bonding? Anxious

[Fluffyfestivebear]

I’m in a same-sex relationship with another woman and we’ve been together for nearly three years. We don’t live together and I have dc.
During this time she has periodically ‘disconnected’ from me, usually out of the blue and over something very minor. So she might have told me that day how much she loves me and how grateful she is for me and then maybe two or three hours later she’s telling me to fuck off and fuck my children. She then often blocks me across all mediums. This lasts maybe 2 days? She used to apologise and say it was because she loved me so much and was so scared of losing me that she pushed me away but now she doesn’t really talk about it afterwards at all.
It tends to be around every three weeks or so. Yesterday she’d got a problem with someone at work and I said it was a reflection on them and not her. Apparently this was not the thing to say as she then hung up on me and I got messages saying why wasn’t she allowed to feel how she feels and she can be angry if she wants and not to contact her all day.
It was out of nowhere as far as I was concerned. Then I was waiting to see if she was going to block me or what would happen. I messaged her late afternoon and apologised but I wasn’t entirely sure what I was apologising for. She said ok. That was it.
I often tell myself that when she does this - especially the times she says fuck me, fuck my kids, fuck my family etc I won’t chase but I always do and I don’t know why. She says I never get angry and that’s not normal and it’s because my whole family are repressed. I do feel angry but I’d never be able to show her because when she has disconnected it’s so precarious that if I were to be angry as well it would inflame the situation. Sometimes she will use it as a threat ‘I will block you.’
It sounds pathetic written down. I am always so grateful and relieved when things are ok again. I don’t really think I am doing anything to antagonise her, I’m pretty careful. It’s just sometimes like yesterday it happens anyway.
She tells me she feels things more deeply than other people and that’s why it happens.

It makes me feel very anxious and when it’s happening the adrenaline goes all the time. I can physically feel my heart racing and I can’t eat or sleep. Afterwards I’m incredibly tired.

She's abusing you, you need to get yourself and your children out of this hell

Why on earth are you tolerating this nonsense? Nothing about this toxic dynamic is normal, and it's no wonder your nerves are shot. Do what's right for you and your children and get rid of this abusive woman.

This sounds awful.

End the relationship and come back to yourself and your children.
When the dust settles see if you can do the freedom programme, get therapy to untangle this, or find some sort of support.

Have you experienced domestic abuse before?

The problem is when it’s good, it’s very good.
But I am always waiting for it to not be so good. And I’m never sure what might start it. An innocuous comment could lead to total detachment. It happened when she found out my parents read the daily Mail, or have done previously. Apparently we ‘aren’t her people.’
She’s said today that she knows she’s not easy a lot of the time and she does appreciate me. Then she said again about how she gets overwhelmed and feels things more deeply than others. It feels a bit hollow? I have wondered if she might be on the spectrum before tbh. There’s something there.

I’m not convinced the work person has done much wrong, but I’ve not said this. My partner has taken on a new role where she is managing two others and she was talking about ‘pulling rank.’
I thought - but didn’t say - I wouldn’t want to work for her.

She is abusing you. You need to move on for your own and your children’s well-being. 💔💔

She only has very very limited contact with my children.

I agree the relationship sounds toxic - I thought this was going to be something that had only happened 2 or 3 times and thought that would be enough to be questioning the relationship but you say it’s happening every 3 weeks or so! She’s saying ‘fuck your children.’ Why are you accepting this? If you can’t leave the relationship for yourself please do it for them.

As soon as this woman said 'fuck your kids' is the moment she should have been out of your life for good! Have some respect for yourself and you children and block this horrible woman OP! You know you deserve better treatment than this!
And every three weeks or so she goes nuts and treats you like shit for no reason? Saying nasty things about you, your children and family? That's not a good relationship.

And stop apologising to her for her shitty behaviour!!!!

She is an abuser. It sounds hellish.

I know, but I feel like I must be doing something to provoke it.

She only has very very limited contact with my children.

But she is impacting your emotional well-being which impacts them so indirectly she is affecting them.

Your dp sounds very manipulative and controlling. She’s not good for you, your MH, or your children. You need to disentangle yourself from this mess and start to put yourself and your children first. I would almost call her control of you sadistic. Free yourself, op. You’ll feel so much better.

She does know how it makes me feel because I’ve told her but she says in that moment she has detached from me totally and doesn’t care or actually wants me to be upset.

Every three weeks. Is it PMS?

Yes it is definitely linked to her cycles. There is no doubt. Sometimes it happens in between but I’d say there is some hormonal link too.

@Fluffyfestivebear

I know, but I feel like I must be doing something to provoke it.

It's not you. It's not your fault.

As an aside, and not making excuses for her, you say this happens every 3 weeks or so? Are these mood swings hormone related?

As soon as this woman said 'fuck your kids' is the moment she should have been out of your life for good!

Agree with this. You haven’t done anything to provoke it. Your P is just emotionally abusive.

You don’t need to accept this treatment you know. And I don’t mean talk to her and somehow get her to understand your point of view. Just say “don’t fucking dare ever speak to me like that again” and stop apologising when you’ve done nothing wrong. See what happens.

If it's every 3 weeks it may be linked to hormones/ perimenopause. She needs to get her arse to the gp.

Regardless, her behaviour to you is totally unacceptable and you need to show her in no uncertain terms that you aren't taking it any more. It's shape up or ship out time.

You must be doing something to provoke it
When it's good it's so good.

Those two sentences scream trauma bonding.

She either means what she says when she hates you or she means what she says when she loves you or she means neither.

It has sort of insidiously happened this way and it is HARD because when it’s good she’s my biggest cheerleader.
But I doubt what she says then because I know in another couple of weeks she will be telling me how awful I am and saying she’s wasted her time etc.

Then she said again about how she gets overwhelmed and feels things more deeply than others

That is not an excuse to treat you like shit.

Sounds like BPD to me

Anyone who said fuck my children would be booted out my life permanently, PMS or no PMS.

I don’t understand why you are tolerating it at all. Your children are your priority. Move on.

I know you are all correct.
I still feel like it must be me.
I also find she wrong foots me, it doesn’t matter what I say / do when it’s happening she just gets more and more unpleasant. In fact the best thing to do would be to leave her to it and let her get over it.