Is this trauma bonding? Anxious

[Fluffyfestivebear]

I’m in a same-sex relationship with another woman and we’ve been together for nearly three years. We don’t live together and I have dc.
During this time she has periodically ‘disconnected’ from me, usually out of the blue and over something very minor. So she might have told me that day how much she loves me and how grateful she is for me and then maybe two or three hours later she’s telling me to fuck off and fuck my children. She then often blocks me across all mediums. This lasts maybe 2 days? She used to apologise and say it was because she loved me so much and was so scared of losing me that she pushed me away but now she doesn’t really talk about it afterwards at all.
It tends to be around every three weeks or so. Yesterday she’d got a problem with someone at work and I said it was a reflection on them and not her. Apparently this was not the thing to say as she then hung up on me and I got messages saying why wasn’t she allowed to feel how she feels and she can be angry if she wants and not to contact her all day.
It was out of nowhere as far as I was concerned. Then I was waiting to see if she was going to block me or what would happen. I messaged her late afternoon and apologised but I wasn’t entirely sure what I was apologising for. She said ok. That was it.
I often tell myself that when she does this - especially the times she says fuck me, fuck my kids, fuck my family etc I won’t chase but I always do and I don’t know why. She says I never get angry and that’s not normal and it’s because my whole family are repressed. I do feel angry but I’d never be able to show her because when she has disconnected it’s so precarious that if I were to be angry as well it would inflame the situation. Sometimes she will use it as a threat ‘I will block you.’
It sounds pathetic written down. I am always so grateful and relieved when things are ok again. I don’t really think I am doing anything to antagonise her, I’m pretty careful. It’s just sometimes like yesterday it happens anyway.
She tells me she feels things more deeply than other people and that’s why it happens.

It makes me feel very anxious and when it’s happening the adrenaline goes all the time. I can physically feel my heart racing and I can’t eat or sleep. Afterwards I’m incredibly tired.

Think about what's best for your kids. This woman being in their lives isn't it. After the things she's said and done, the decision to dump her shouldn't be this hard.

I hope you will leave this appalling toxic bully.

She feels things more deeply than others? Narcissistic statement.

Your poor kids. You’re modelling a dark and toxic relationship style to them. I know you don’t mean to or want to do that, but the only sane thing to do is end the relationship.

She had a therapist apparently who told her that. She feels things more deeply and is highly sensitive.
I brought into it to begin with but I’m starting to feel the impact on my well being.

@Fluffyfestivebear

I know, but I feel like I must be doing something to provoke it.

This is what narcissistic people do - you question yourself and try to find a reason but the actual reason is that it’s a game / and a game you can’t win. YouTube relationship with a narcissist dr Armani on YouTube - it’ll open your eyes

She sounds unstable and is abusive. Why are you wasting your time on her? You have kids. There is no future in this ‘relationship’. Dump her.

Is it actually abusive?

It sounds like emotional abuse to me. You say you are always anxious because even when she is being nice/ it is good you are waiting for the next time she does this. She doesn’t apologise or make an effort to change her behaviour, just uses the excuse she ‘feels things more deeply.’ What does that even mean? It sounds like a way for her to absolve herself of any blame or responsibility for hurting you.

If she truly loved and cared for you then after treating you badly she would reflect on it, apologise and work hard not to do it again. Instead she pretends it hadn’t happened, leaving you anxious about when it will happen again, and then goes it again a few weeks later. That is not okay and a loving partner would be working hard to change, the fact she doesn’t try at all says to me she doesn’t really care that she’s hurting you so regularly. That to me is abusive.

@Fluffyfestivebear

Is it actually abusive?

Yes of course it is. It’s emotional abuse.

@Fluffyfestivebear

Is it actually abusive?

FFS, yes. Very much so. She's a horrible person and blames you for it.

She says she has never behaved like this in other relationships but I am not sure that is strictly true. It feels like a well worn pattern of behaviour - she doesn’t have any friends and I wonder if there have been problems there.

@Fluffyfestivebear

Is it actually abusive?

Yes.

And you're allowing yourself to be abused because you haven't realised it's abuse. This is not a healthy relationship. She should not be treating you like this, and you shouldn't be putting up with it.

She says she has never behaved like this in other relationships

Gaslighting bullshit. Once again, she's saying it's your fault she she's abusive. Take the blinders off, op.

@Fluffyfestivebear

Is it actually abusive?

Yes. The hallmark of an abuser is how charming and lovely they can be between episodes of abuse. This isn't just that she's a hormonal or a grumpy type of person. She is choosing to abuse you. It's torture hearing someone say things about your kids, actual torture. I don't know how you bear it.

Yes it is making me massively anxious.
If I message and she doesn’t reply I immediately think I’ve done something wrong and annoyed her. Or if I ring and she doesn’t answer I think it’s because she is purposefully ignoring me. I don’t keep calling / messaging but I’m aware my heart rate is immediately up until she replies - this is especially true if I can detect her tone is slightly off or she is stressed for some reason.
I think has she blocked me or have I angered her unwittingly.

She is classic narcissist. When things are good with these people they are ALWAYS very good. How else can they keep others attached to them? Please start to have some consideration for yourself op. It definitely isn’t you provoking her. Read up on narcissistic personality and it will start to make sense. She will destroy your mental health if you allow this to go on . All the best to you .

It’s not anything you have done. You have not “angered her”, or “provoking it”. How your partner chooses to react is 100% her choice. She is no doubt getting something out of having a person who centres her in their life, who is consumed by worrying about how she might feel. It sounds like she is psychologically torturing you. You are worth more than this. This is not a healthy relationship and with that sort of behaviour there will be no happy resolution.

That was like a horror story, she’s abusing you. God it was horrible to read. Leave and make sure no contact with your DC, what a horror she sounds :( Try and think, would you ever act this way? How would you advise a friend going through the same thing? The first step is the hardest but break up with her and make it a clean break.

But how do I do it? Do I message her? Do I see her? What do I say? I love her, that’s the problem. I find thinking of not being with her very difficult.
That said, I don’t want to be in this pattern forever and the longest we’ve gone in three years without the disconnect and unpleasantness is five weeks. That only happened once. Every other time it has been more frequent.
I guess in nearly three years it’s happened over thirty times. You’d think I’d be used to it by now.

She is abusing you. Honestly it sounds absolutely draining and I can imagine it's negatively effecting your mental health and all areas of life. You deserve to be happy and healthy for you and you kids.

As an aside, this is not an excuse for her and I think you should leave her anyway but it's likely she has PMDD which can send women into depression, rage etc the week before their period. It's definitely worth her going to see a doctor about this as there are things they can do to help her.

I agree about the PMDD because she says herself everything feels very hopeless and she feels very angry when it happens. But I can’t say to her at that point could it be that, because she will say no and get angrier.
She said it’s become more noticeable as she’s grown older so I wonder if it is linked to peri menopause. She is never what I would term ‘easy going’ but there are definitely times when it is worse and I brace myself.
Afterwards she seems fine again but I’m still reeling.

She sounds like she might have a personality disorder or mental health problems. For the sake of your kids if nothing else, you need to cut loose.

You can't help her.
She needs psychiatric help.
These narcissistic types don't recover, they just move on and exploit someone else.
You are not her rubbish bin.
Your children will be suffering as all your mental and emotional energy is being siphoned off.
Get help for yourself and go no contact.
A single conversation will have you back in the same position with her.

@Fluffyfestivebear

But how do I do it? Do I message her? Do I see her? What do I say? I love her, that’s the problem. I find thinking of not being with her very difficult. That said, I don’t want to be in this pattern forever and the longest we’ve gone in three years without the disconnect and unpleasantness is five weeks. That only happened once. Every other time it has been more frequent. I guess in nearly three years it’s happened over thirty times. You’d think I’d be used to it by now.

Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

I understand that you can’t talk to her or reason with her when she is in these moods, but why can’t you discuss it with her during a good period? If you can’t have an honest conversation with her when things are good then that is a huge red flag for the relationship. If it is hormonal then she needs to see her GP, if she is feeling down in those periods and hurting others she should be seeking to try and find a treatment that can improve the situation. The fact both of you are willing to just put up with her hurtful and unreasonable behaviour at the time and then to ignore the fact it happened until the next time says that this is not a healthy relationship at all.