"Everything you've just said made you sound like a stroppy teenager" said my psychotherapist today

[becarefulouttheretoday]

No, I wasn't turning blue and sqeaming and sqeaming unti l got some bubble gum.

I spent ten minutes today opening up to my therapist about my difficult relationship with both of my parents, their constant criticism of me (especially my mother) and how I have reached my point of tolerance with their manipulation and bullying.

Would you expect a therapist to say this? Honestly? Think it, maybe, but say it out loud? I thought therapy was supposed to be non judgemental.

He's the same age as my parents, by the way, if that makes a difference.

He is a disgrace. Do not go back to him as he's effectively re-traumatising you.
This is not your fault @becarefulouttheretoday
And if you haven't already, you should go NC with your parents. I virtually never say that. But you are still hurting so badly. And no, you have absolutely zero responsibility to try and reframe their actions or your childhood. It's fact, whatever their motivation.

Do not go back,

Make a complaint.

There's loads of massive red flags here and I'd recommend you'd terminate the therapy relationship. If you have the mental energy I would recommend to make a complaint too. I'm a mental health professional and can say 100% that this man is not behaving in a professional way.

Him not praising you for things could be explained by his modality if he happened to be a psychoanalyst. But then him being so keen to express his opinions and to give advice in other situations would contradict that approach anyway.

I don't even think this is a male therapist "thing". It's a bad therapist thing. Another huge red flag is him not being open to criticism and feedback. I have a male therapist and he has said I'm allowed to express any feelings and thoughts and that he can look after himself and defend himself if need be. I can tell him when his approach or something he has said has not felt good and he always apologises and we talk about the fact he has gotten something wrong and about how it's made me feel. It's such a safe and nurturing relationship. That's what all therapeutic relationships should feel like.

He should feel like your biggest cheerleader and an ally, not someone critical of you. Although him "feeling" critical could be fine if it felt okay to talk about that in therapy. Him actually being critical rather than you just feeling he's critical is a different thing though and seems to be the issue here.

I really hope you get the courage to change to a better therapist. It can be too easy to get stuck in a toxic therapy relationship when you've grown up in a dysfunctional family where that kind of behaviour from adults was okay. Sending lots of hugs.

That is not a healthy therapeutic relationship. I really think you need to stop sessions with him as they are actively harmful and seek out someone else.

I can't imagine my therapist coming out with something like that. I was sexually abused as a child, albeit only once bur he has never commented on my decision to see a male therapist nor has he ever gotten angry with me in the 2 years I've been seeing him.

We've had ruptures, where he has been inconsiderate and upset me or screwed up and stuck his foot in it but never deliberately and he owns his mistakes. I've never felt attacked by him or unsafe.

Thank you all.

I've emailed him saying I want to terminate and I've also asked if it will be possible for me to get copies of my notes, as I think this will help me to organise my thoughts when I go elsewhere.

He's replied that I need an ending session and I can collect my notes when I come to it.

What are my rights here? I get that a fee might be applicable and I've said I'm happy to pay for one but I don't see why I should have to have another session to collect them.

Just reply that you don't want to attend another session but you do want a copy of your notes (which you are allowed to have via GDPR) so can then be sent to your address.

He can't make you have a final session; therapists often do like one as it helps them and you wrap things up, but my feeling is that is sometimes for their benefit and if it isn't for yours and you just don't want to see him again, then don't.

Hi Be careful
I would run a mile and don't go with an ending session. These people as in your therapist has too much power and control in his hands. And it is a privilege to help and assist someone; but some can take advantage of people who come to them with vulnerabilities.
Run now . Maybe to someone else. But that act alone of leaving will empower you and you won't regret it in the years to come.
Take care.

Many years ago I had a therapist and at the end of the session she used to say cherrily '"Times up" . I got the strength from somewhere to say times up to her. I will never regret it.

Have you heard of victim focus OP? www.victimfocus.org.uk/about-us They do a lot of work unpicking the damaging way victims of abuse are dealt with in the mental health sector - the narrow focus your therapist has on getting you to ‘forgive’ your parents and the pathologising/judging of your response to that idea sounds a lot like the kind of approaches they identify as really unhelpful.

Christ no. You don’t owe him any ending session.
You don’t owe him a therapeutic relationship.
You don’t owe him anything other than final fee possibly.
Notes are yours under GDPR.

Just reply that you feel your relationship has broken down beyond repair and you don't feel that a termination session would be helpful at this time and ypu fo not require any referrals. Then reiterate the request for your notes.

You don’t owe him anything OP. He sounds like a terrible therapist. Get him to post your notes to you and I hope you find a good one!

Agree that he wants to reframe your perceptions.
If you dont accept his perception, he can say you were defensive.

You need a new therapist. This one is an evangelist as he’s trying to convert you to humanism. Therapists aren’t supposed to save you through any religion.

Well, like a dick I went to the 'ending' session as he was still being difficult about me collecting my notes.

He told me that in his opinion I am 'not done' and moving on now is a 'mistake'. I should have given feedback on how I felt about what he's said but I felt small and embarassed and I'm afraid I kind of fudged it and said I'd be in touch after a small break. Fuxake it's like when Chandler tried to quite the gym in Friends.

I won't be going back.

What a bully!

You’re out, that’s all that matters. Well done.