"Everything you've just said made you sound like a stroppy teenager" said my psychotherapist today

[becarefulouttheretoday]

No, I wasn't turning blue and sqeaming and sqeaming unti l got some bubble gum.

I spent ten minutes today opening up to my therapist about my difficult relationship with both of my parents, their constant criticism of me (especially my mother) and how I have reached my point of tolerance with their manipulation and bullying.

Would you expect a therapist to say this? Honestly? Think it, maybe, but say it out loud? I thought therapy was supposed to be non judgemental.

He's the same age as my parents, by the way, if that makes a difference.

You can leave. You can find someone else who can support you in the right way.

The therapist can fuck off.

And so can your parents.

Fuck the lot of them. And you can have that advice for free.

Honestly you don’t need to pay someone to make you feel even more shit than you already do. I don’t care what his “approach” is, he’s an arsehole.

Are you sure he is registered with UKCP - he sounds like a bully selling you snake oil. If you feel that therapy is the path you wish to take - I would look for a kinder person who is better fit.

It sounds like they protected your abused ahead of protecting you - I'm so sorry that happened. You don't owe them forgiveness unless that feels right for you and clearly it doesn't - and it's totally your right not to give it. You need a therapist who focuses on you, not their ideals about humanity.

*abuser

@GinIronic

Are you sure he is registered with UKCP - he sounds like a bully selling you snake oil. If you feel that therapy is the path you wish to take - I would look for a kinder person who is better fit.

Yes, he is on their register, I have checked.

@becarefulouttheretoday

He keeps saying he's a humanist and he believes that everyone is a good person deep down they just have wounds that make them behave a certain way and it's all about how really I'm in the wrong for not being ok with all the damage done to me because look, your parents really couldn't help it.

I thought therapy was supposed to be about me and my experiences not sacrificing myself for someone else's wellbeing which I have done my entire life and is the reason I am now clinically depressed.

Maybe this is what you learn from this episode? Just because he’s a professional and gets paid for this, doesn’t make him an expert on what YOU need.

You’re now strong enough to say no, I don’t need this and I don’t want it, and to walk away. So all the money you’ve invested in it is worth it because you found a boundary.

@Echobelly

It sounds like they protected your abused ahead of protecting you - I'm so sorry that happened. You don't owe them forgiveness unless that feels right for you and clearly it doesn't - and it's totally your right not to give it. You need a therapist who focuses on you, not their ideals about humanity.

Thank you, that last line has really summed it up.

How long have you been seeing him? Just bin him.

I know a lovely therapist she's doing online happy to send contact details if you like.

I'm sure others do too.

This is the first time I've tried one who I've not ditched quickly. Tried a bit when 20s then didn't bother again for couple decades it was so weird.

The 2i tried before were both weird as all fuck.

Some people shouldn’t be allowed to be in the job they’re in.

Thank you raisedbypangolins that's a really good point.

I have felt so conflicted because he has actually really helped with the traumatic memories.

But it's like he has a blind spot over the fact that I don't feel I can have a relationship with my parents anymore.

I feel so much pressure to 'try' with them and it's like he's not hearing that I've 'tried' for 40 years and it's damaged me beyond repair. So now he's resorting to name calling.

Coming to terms with the fact that other people did the best they were capable of, even if that was woeful, can leave you stronger and help you move on. Holding on to anger- no matter how justified- can trap you at a stage you may not want to be.

However, if he isn't able to actually articulate that in a way you can hear, then it's no good to you.

He’s completely misunderstood humanistic principles there, by the way. You don’t have to be okay with anything, or forgive anyone. Finding a therapist who you can feel safe with us probably the most important aspect. Equality in the relationship is a major aspect of humanistic therapy.

@CheeseMmmm

How long have you been seeing him? Just bin him.

I know a lovely therapist she's doing online happy to send contact details if you like.

I'm sure others do too.

This is the first time I've tried one who I've not ditched quickly. Tried a bit when 20s then didn't bother again for couple decades it was so weird.

The 2i tried before were both weird as all fuck.

Thank you, I feel so conflicted because he has helped a lot with the trauma but not at all the relational stuff. I think I need to take a break from all therapy for a while.

A good therapist doesn’t just agree with everything you want them too, and it is important that they challenge you. But only when you are ready to hear it - and it’s their job to help you to do the work to get to a place where you are ready to accept criticism.

He hasn’t done this.

Leave him. Find a better therapist. And report him.

My therapist has got me to a place where I can forgive my parents crapness. Not because I’m trying to deny they were crap, but because I’ve been allowed, helped, to process my anger and sorrow about their crapness and get past it to a place where I know they were crap, but that’s ok, because I don’t have to make their crapness the biggest thing in my life anymore.

@becarefulouttheretoday I think you should check out the Stately Homes thread : www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4387624-October-2021-well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes

@picklemewalnuts

Coming to terms with the fact that other people did the best they were capable of, even if that was woeful, can leave you stronger and help you move on. Holding on to anger- no matter how justified- can trap you at a stage you may not want to be.

However, if he isn't able to actually articulate that in a way you can hear, then it's no good to you.

I understand that message.

I just don't understand his keenness for me to override my parenting instincts and throw me and my children back into the alcoholic sex party mess that was the childhood my parents gave me.

[quote Level75]@becarefulouttheretoday I think you should check out the Stately Homes thread : www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4387624-October-2021-well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes[/quote]
Thanks I'm aware of that thread, it moves too fast for me and nobody has ever replied when I've posted on it in 13 years I've been on MN.

He sounds rubbish. I would leave. I had a therapist who was a bit rubbish and it took me a while to realise I felt worse after going there, I started to dread the visits I was paying for. Now I have a nice non-judgemental therapist who is very good at reflecting things back to me and letting me work things out for myself, and that suits me.

Interestingly enough my rubbish therapist also said I was behaving like a child in relation to how I was approaching my parents instead of having an 'adult to adult' conversation with them. That's when I knew she was rubbish, as emotionally damaged parents can't have adult to adult conversations, that's the whole point!

Trust yourself, and take your money somewhere where you feel like the therapy is giving you what you need.

While I stand by what I said, it in no way means you should expose your dc to your parents!

Absolutely ditch him if he thinks exposing your DC to your parents is a good idea.

Maybe he's offered all he can to you now, and it's right to find another therapist for the next phase of your journey.

@OnwardsAndSideways1

He sounds rubbish. I would leave. I had a therapist who was a bit rubbish and it took me a while to realise I felt worse after going there, I started to dread the visits I was paying for. Now I have a nice non-judgemental therapist who is very good at reflecting things back to me and letting me work things out for myself, and that suits me.

Interestingly enough my rubbish therapist also said I was behaving like a child in relation to how I was approaching my parents instead of having an 'adult to adult' conversation with them. That's when I knew she was rubbish, as emotionally damaged parents can't have adult to adult conversations, that's the whole point!

Trust yourself, and take your money somewhere where you feel like the therapy is giving you what you need.

Thank you onwards that's the nail on the head. My parents have never respected me or treated me as an individual. We don't have adult to adult conversations because to them I'm an insignificant piece of shit. I know a bit about Transactional Analysis and I think he's trying to suggest that I can somehow change the dynamics but I cannot because they are not willing to change.

And therapist seems to get cross with me, no matter how hard I try because he won't accept that I can't change them. BUT I CANNOT CHANGE THEM.

@picklemewalnuts

While I stand by what I said, it in no way means you should expose your dc to your parents!

Or me. Because I am also important and allowed to draw my own boundaries. That's what self care looks like.

Thank you everyone.

Like I say it's messed with my head because he has really helped me to process the trauma.

But he also seems to be determined on forging a 'happy ending' with my parents despite that not being what I want and me being fundamentally terrified of the risks I could expose my children to in doing so.

He's also childless btw, I only say that in case it's relevant because it came up once and I know he feels a deep sense of grief over not having children. and I wonder if it's his stuff that is driving this reunite with them obsession.

Oh absolutely!