"Everything you've just said made you sound like a stroppy teenager" said my psychotherapist today

[becarefulouttheretoday]

No, I wasn't turning blue and sqeaming and sqeaming unti l got some bubble gum.

I spent ten minutes today opening up to my therapist about my difficult relationship with both of my parents, their constant criticism of me (especially my mother) and how I have reached my point of tolerance with their manipulation and bullying.

Would you expect a therapist to say this? Honestly? Think it, maybe, but say it out loud? I thought therapy was supposed to be non judgemental.

He's the same age as my parents, by the way, if that makes a difference.

Sorry everybody I realise this thread has escalated far beyond the title it's just now that I've started to type about it it's all coming out. I never talk to anyone about my sessions with him so I've never had any other opinions on any of it.

I second the others who feel you need to find a new therapist. It is always helpful to push back if you feel they are out of line, but from your multiple posts it is obvious you dont feel comfortable or in an equal relationship. If you are paying privately, just go elsewhere. If he is really humanistic he would be letting you know you are a good person. Not making you feel blamed. It is possible that he is trying to convey the idea that holding grudges, or not being able to forgive can be unhelpful to our mental health, but if that is the case he is doing a spectacularly poor job and also failing to see that some things can't be forgiven.

No need to apologise. Processing sessions is an important part of the work.

Even if you decide to end the work, I can really recommend ending this in a session. People posting here don’t have the full context and we could have missed something important. Be careful that you’re not left without support, as I imagine you were as a child.

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers

I second the others who feel you need to find a new therapist. It is always helpful to push back if you feel they are out of line, but from your multiple posts it is obvious you dont feel comfortable or in an equal relationship. If you are paying privately, just go elsewhere. If he is really humanistic he would be letting you know you are a good person. Not making you feel blamed. It is possible that he is trying to convey the idea that holding grudges, or not being able to forgive can be unhelpful to our mental health, but if that is the case he is doing a spectacularly poor job and also failing to see that some things can't be forgiven.

Thanks, that's actually another element. He's really kind of mealy mouthed about any of my strengths or positive traits. I can't really put that into words but it's like he actively doesn't want me to be proud of .e.g getting a Master's degree with distinction despite being in the middle of all this mental health stuff. He's just....I can't put it into words.

I feel like I annoy him when I'm 'stroppy' but I also annoy him that none of this has stopped me going out into the world and achieving good things. What does he want???

@becarefulouttheretoday

He keeps saying he's a humanist and he believes that everyone is a good person deep down they just have wounds that make them behave a certain way and it's all about how really I'm in the wrong for not being ok with all the damage done to me because look, your parents really couldn't help it.

I thought therapy was supposed to be about me and my experiences not sacrificing myself for someone else's wellbeing which I have done my entire life and is the reason I am now clinically depressed.

Wow this sounds not at all good. Very inappropriate. Therapy can be challenging at times but shouldn’t be in this way and not when you as the client don’t feel safe.

On the plus side, ditching him when he sounds so similar to your parents will probably feel amazing! And maybe start something else going in you.

So a possible silver lining from a shitty cloud

OP, I would really consider going elsewhere, if you don't feel you can ask him all of these questions. I suspect that there might be some kind of transference/counter transference happening here - and its certainly doesn't sound like a strong therapeutic relationship where you feel supported which it should be, can I suggest you contact your local Mind and see if they do private counselling sessions.

Sounds to me that your child ego triggers his parent ego for whatever reason. As a professional he should never be overtly annoyed and critical of you and should be able to regulate himself enough to always come from the adult (no matter what you are doing).

Thank you all this is really helping.

I got a funny vibe from the first session, like I was really drawn to him and he listened really attentively.

He asked all about my family in the first session and I said that they were sexist and he said "AND YET YOU'VE CHOSEN TO COME TO SEE A MALE THERAPIST" and laughed as if it was some kind of trump card. But he didn't know that I had deliberately chosen a male because my relationship with my mother was so painful I was desperate to find the opposite from her in every way, and that I was actually conscious of.

That was the only red flag in the first session, the rest of it made me feel really seen and heard but why intimate that "haha you're a sexist too" rather than wait and find out why I'm scared of opening up to a woman,

I feel a dick now for getting in so far.

And you might find the books 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward and 'Healing the Inner Child' by John Bradshaw to be of help.

So I mean I think he went "you've come to a male therapist you are sexist too!!" and said it to my actual face.

When actually being open with women is terrifying for me and I knew I wouldn't be able to do it, so I chose a man. I mean, why not get to know me and we'll figure out why I came to a male therapist later?

Jeez @becarefulouttheretoday, I have no idea what he could want - it is hard to know without knowing how he is with other clients. But the upshot is that you feel unsupported and criticised while you are trying to work out how to do something completely reasonable, which is how to look after yourself. A good therapist should be able to challenge you (if for example you are perceiving criticism everywhere or are excessively sensitive to criticism) while making you feel understood and supported. It is not an easy thing to do, and some therapists are better than others. I would guess that something about your, your presentation or your situation is hitting a nerve for him and he is reacting from that - but want to be clear this is COMPLETELY unacceptable. Part of your training as a therapist is to understand and notice your personal reactions and ensure they do not impact the client. Unfortunately in private practice there is a lot less oversight or comeback when people are poor. You are so brave for reaching out for help, please dont feel you have to continue with this jerk. There are lots of really good therapists out there.

Well it definitely doesn't sound like a good therapeutic relationship. Sometimes my therapist would say things that would really piss me off but I found it very easy to tell him that and then we'd explore why what he said pissed me off. Yes your therapist should say things to challenge you, make you think etc, but in that hour you are there he is there to support you, and only you. I once tried to make excuses for my dad and describe all the good things he did, talk about how he was a product of his upbringing etc and my therapist basically shut me down and said something along the lines of "we aren't here to wonder why your dad is the way he is, we are here to help you heal from the mistakes that he made. If he needs therapy then that's on him but I'm here to focus on why you are the way you are and not on the good things your dad did, because those are irrelevant right now". So if he isn't focusing on solely on you and how you experienced your parents and what impact they had on you, you should get rid.

What you said about him not being pleased for you or allowing you to celebrate your surviving all this- that's exactly how my therapist was! In fact, I would think it was the same therapist but yours is a man and mine was a woman. It's a really odd dynamic though, it just sounds so familiar: my therapist had a certain idea of how I should handle my difficult family relationships and got quite rude when I disagreed. Yours sounds similar- he's got a map of how you should behave and how parent/children should be and you are annoying him by not falling into line.

Anyhow, I had a break for a while and am now back with a nice non-judgemental person who doesn't get everything right, but is very receptive, and more than anything trusts me to know myself which was very important for me. I don't need undermining, I need building up and there's a big difference.

I have sent you a pm.

"He's also childless btw, I only say that in case it's relevant because it came up once and I know he feels a deep sense of grief over not having children. and I wonder if it's his stuff that is driving this reunite with them obsession."

Is it appropriate for him to have told you this about himself? I've never had therapy so I genuinely don't know but it seems like you know more about him than he does you.

You deserve better. Your voice deserves to be heard.

Too many people tell us to be silent, or refuse to hear what we say,or tell us we're too sensitive or other shite...

I would feel retraumatized in this therapy. It sounds like he is invalidating your feelings just like your parents did. If that's the case, I'm angry for you. How dare he abuse his power in this relationship?

i've had these types of experiences with male therapists before which is why I won't see one now, I ask for women only.
I find men lack empathy and understanding.

I am a therapist. The people who see me know nothing about my marital status, my child status, where I live. They may know I have a dog because I sometimes share a snippet of info about her if it matches something the client has said (ie, it was cold when I walked the dog this morning - oh, me too). But they know nothing else about me. Because I am their therapist. How many children he does or does not have should be completely irrelevant. Like every profession, there are some good practitioners and bad ones. And some people you click with and some you do not. I hope you can find someone you like working with.

I've had therapy for childhood abuse. I was NC for years with my mother and never had any pressure to " forgive" at all.
Your therapist's behaviour makes me feel very unsettled indeed. Quite angry on your behalf in fact.

Your posts, on the other hand, make a lot of sense to me.

Have you spoken to anyone at NAPAC at all? They might be able to guide you to a therapist who knows how to act appropriately when supporting someone who is a survivor of abuse. This man is not helping you now. Move away from him.

Thinking of you, and willing you on to better times, they are there with the right support.

NAPAC
napac.org.uk/

@bringon2020

I would feel retraumatized in this therapy. It sounds like he is invalidating your feelings just like your parents did. If that's the case, I'm angry for you. How dare he abuse his power in this relationship?

Sorry I missed this before I posted. Absolutely agree.

I made the mistake of seeing a man initially because most of my stuff was because of my mother. I ended up making a formal complaint about him.

The therapist who helped me was a young woman who never talked in detail about herself, at all, she focussed on me and helping me.

Surely this isn't professional?

Wow, that's awful. I'm seeing a therapist because of my parents too but I have never had a response like this!

It's always hard out of context but it doesn't sound great and certainly sounds like he's not a good fit for you. You've been left feeling awful and like your problems are being minimised and you are being belittled. Like a pp said it's not typical for people to know a great deal about their therapist, maybe odd facts but certainly not their own issues in any depth etc. I'm a therapist and I do sometimes give honest feedback or reflections that can be difficult at times, but it's always done in the spirit of genuine compassion at a time when I feel pretty confident in the relationship, and whether it was or wasn't done in that way for you, you didn't feel that so it's probably time for you to find someone who is a better fit for you.