Parents and carers of anxious kids/teens(part5)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi guys
Just spotted we have filled another thread!
I started part 1 during the journey with my sons escalating anxiety
This thread is a non judgemental place to support each other
As parents and carers we recognise how hard,stressful,and often lonely,this unseen battle can be.others dismissing small wins as the norm for most etc
Please feel free to offload here,share your small wins,take the support and comfort this thread brings

Agree with everyone - it is very stressful supporting a child with MH issues.

I've just opted to have a few counselling sessions (fortunate I can access through work). I don't feel at all comfortable with the idea of sharing my thoughts out loud with a stranger (worried that if I open the floodgates I won't be able to close them again) but I'm not sure my usual coping mechanisms are that healthy and I'm finding it difficult to motivate myself to do things I usually enjoy so will give it a go. No doubt peri-menopause factors in too!

Hope you feel better soon Runner

DD2 is so up and down - more down than up most of the time. Managed to go out and choose some new clothes with me yesterday for an hour which was a big achievement but she's exhausted and avoiding interaction today. Change of CAMHS care coordinator has thrown her and she refused to go to last appointment. Credit to lovely care coordinator who did home visit instead. Didn't cope well with different to usual teacher this morning as didn't want to talk to a stranger.

She will be 18 this year and just seems so young and vulnerable - probably more like 14 emotionally. I really worry about the future and whether she'll be happy, have friends, live independently.

Muddling I have had counselling on and off, not just about DS1’s MH difficulties, but about other things as well and being able to offload and cry without worrying I am upsetting anyone else is helpful. Although at times the floodgates have opened and it doesn’t change the past the alternative is that I continue to try to bury it, not always successfully, which isn’t helpful long term and often becomes visible when I least want it to. DH is good, but we have very different ways of coping, and sometimes that is infuriating - he probably feels the same way.

I try not to think of the future too much, doing so scares me. I put one foot in front of the other and try to focus on the present.

As your DD is awaiting an ASD assessment, it is often said DC with ASD are developmentally 2/3rd of their chronological age.


muddling dd2 is 18 next month.her behaviour is 12-14 max I'd say most of the time..she's awaiting ASD too
I don't look beyond the end of this week anymore.i figure she learnt to walk,use loo and feed herself in her own time and we get where we need to be in the end(rightly or wrongly)

This week's proving very long and stressful.lil zoo home with gut issues again(won't use school loo,tummy pain/constipation/feels like needs to go all the time)
Dd2 overwhelmed and approaching burn out again.on plus sleep meds are knocking her out,but nightmare get up in the morning as groggy even on lowest dose and highly argumentative
DS taxi driver(who doesn't believe in covid) has a cough.one other kids in school who rides with them no mask off covid now.hes scared he's next
Tired,withdrawn and full time miserable

I have filled in dd2 ASD pack and returned to school and D's pip claim as it switches from dkay

DLA

Hi all
Can I ask a question please? Have lurked for a while and you all seem lovely.

I have an 18yo ds who is undiagnosed but suspected depression/bipolar. Very clever, going to a top uni, quite arrogant but can be lovely when he tries/ wants to/his illness allows*.

• delete as appropriate here. Has agreed to speak to a psychologist and has first appointment soon.

My question is, do any of you get cross with their ‘selfishness’ and inability to consider anyone else’s feelings, even though you love them and know you’re probably being unreasonable?

We’ve just been away, first family break for literally years, and he knows how much I was looking forward to it. Beautiful city, had own (lovely) room, etc etc. Could join us or do his own thing, absolutely no pressure.

Not a single smile over the whole few days. No thanks at the end, no recognition of the thought, effort, planning involved. Behaved like a sulky 14yo and even made the atmosphere unpleasant at times, rather than enabling other family members have a nice time.

Aibu to expect a small effort? He’s not a child ffs. If I asked if he was good, or thought something was beautiful/ interesting etc he answered through gritted teeth almost.

Now home, and back at school, he’s all perky again. I never challenged his behaviour because he would have been rude, and I’d probably have said things I’d regret.

Have to say that he spoiled it really, and I’m so sad for him and for everyone else.

I don’t know exactly why he’s like this, can happen at home too, it’s like we irritate him and he feels judged. If I asked him he’d deny it.

How do you deal with your disappointment at their behaviour, and am I being a bitch for not being more understanding? I’d love him to be a happy-go-lucky kid but I don’t think he’ll ever manage it.

Sorry, this is sooooo long!

member welcome
Was his memory of the trip bad?I ask as my DD can recall a different experience to the one I felt occured when she seemed unhappy/irritated?
Does he find being out of his everyday routine or environment difficult?
I'd deffo not say you are being a bitch,but I'd the holiday had such a high value being as it's been so long since last trip were your expectations everyone would love every minute high?
I wouldn't be sad,just try and accept fiamily life can be thru gritted teeth sometimes!
Next time if he doesn't actively want to come could he stay home?
Hope the appointment goes well for him and that you have support of some kind whether professional or friends to offload to.cating for a child with extra needs is HARD

@Stilllivinginazoo thanks for your reply, you’ve really understood his behaviour and ask some excellent questions.
No, I don’t think his experience was bad. In fact I think when prompted he hissed that of course he was enjoying it.

And yes, any deviation from his norm, or potential ‘embarrassment’, is stressful for him.

My expectations weren’t high - I know him well - but I’d hoped he’d ‘make the effort’, but he probably was! And he’d have been SO hurt to have been left behind, so would never do that.
And as I say, when he’s on form he’s absolutely the best company and really enjoys us all, it’s just he can’t seem to do the ups without big downs - hence my amateur diagnosis of bi polar.

Thanks again for your response - now it’s over I’ll try and reframe it.
I would like to talk to a professional I think about how to deal with my selfish disappointment - it’s like I can’t like him how he is. That’s what I admit is hard and what I’d like advice with I think. Downsizing expectations. I don’t like to talk to friends or family as it feels like a betrayal of him.

You aren't being selfish wanting everyone to have fun,you merely need to take on board not everyone reacts with smiles and upbeat behaviour all the time.deoression makes that harder too(experience as a mum if diagnosed depressed teen,and as depressive person myself)
I think you are very very hard on yourself to be honest..would you be as critical if a friend who said these things?I doubt it.most of us are quick to slate ourselves,when in reality if we used kinder thought and actions about our own behaviours we could make a real difference to our own self esteem(but that's another story!)

Difficult start here today.dd2 has a change of plan(counsellor has had covid,so it's a phone chat not in person was expecting) and is not coping with this well.shes also overwhelmed with work again,and a level assessments/mocks next week.constant reassurance over health anxiety us at an all new level and I'm very worn out with it all

@Stilllivinginazoo thanks again, and sorry for your experience. My ds is at boarding school (won a scholarship, so enjoys it but has an ‘impression’ to keep up which brings its own challenges) which means on a practical level I don’t have to deal with this day to day like I used to until year 11. That’s a guilty relief.

You sound like the sort of mum she needs though - very understanding and patient.

member if you lived here I doubt you'd think I was patient when all 3are kicking off at once.haha

Hi everyone.
Hello to @Member.
I can totally understand your disappointment at your DS's behaviour
I get that too with Ds. He's also very bright but am I allowed to say this.... totally dislikeable at the moment.
He just appears to be a sinkhole of effort, without giving anything back☹️.
He doesn't respond to questions or talk to us but does talk to his counsellor. Which I suppose is a start.

 DS is starting his GCSE mocks this week and usually stays late to revise for them. But then goes in late too, so goodness knows where he's going to go to school next year. As Ds just appears to do exactly what he wants. His hair is long & all manner of crazy colours. So I guess that rules out schools with short hair & suits.

cantonet long hairs not an issue,my D's has always had it long and we've never been refused a placement as long as it's tidy/tied back for science/sports etc.but it is all one natural colour though...

Welcome member. I don’t think you are selfish either.

Zoo have you asked to be DS’s appointee?

Cantonet feel free to say whatever you want here, no one will judge you. Sometimes their behaviour is dislikable. Good luck with the mocks and sixth form placement.

I have run out of motivation today and it is not even 10am.

Leap & Zoo Interesting about DC with ASD potentially being younger than chronological age. DD2 has always seemed immature in many ways and up until a few years ago prone to tantrums if thwarted. She's not so feisty now - just seems younger in many ways.

I think it's probably wise not to think about the future too much but I am a planner and dislike uncertainty. Also an over-worrier a lot of the time. I will give counselling a try - hopefully it will provide an outlet. There are a few other things adding to the worry at the moment in addition to DD2. Elderly parents with declining health who don't live close by (visiting made more difficult with DD2's difficulties leaving the house and being around people). We had to have one of our very elderly cats put to sleep last week and I am missing her as well as being bit lost as she needed a lot of attention including 12 hourly injections which I had been giving for the last 2.5 years. Our other elderly cat is also on borrowed time now too. I play a musical instrument and my lovely teacher died suddenly a few months ago - he had a great sense of humour and made lessons fun and I miss catching up with him. Think things have just got on top of me a bit but there are many people with a lot more to worry about than me so I need to get on with life.

Zoo I hope DS is ok with worries over taxi driver Covid denial and other student taxi user illness.

Member Sorry your holiday wasn't as you'd hoped. I used to get cross with DD2 over what I perceived as selfishness but this was prior to her become unwell with debilitating anxiety, low mood so with hindsight it's likely she was already struggling.

When younger she always seemed very self-centred (although I suppose many children tend to be) and she showed little empathy towards others and their feelings/needs. It quite worried me at times! A few years ago when she was mid-teens we went went on the trip of a lifetime to an iconic city and DD2 was hard work. She hated the heat, hated walking, her clothes were uncomfortable etc. She just wanted to stay in the hotel room and play on her DS console! We did still enjoy the trip but could have done so much more without the cajoling and accommodating that was needed. She's now awaiting ASD assessment and has some sensory issues so that adds context retrospectively.

In the last couple of years since being unwell, she has become much more concerned about how other people feel. Don't know if it's because she hates how she feels and doesn't like the thought of others feeling the same way or that she's matured emotionally (albeit at a slower pace). She has even said she regrets how she was on that holiday and wishes she'd tried to enjoy herself more.

You are not alone and we all feel frustrated and annoyed with our DC sometimes no matter how much we love them - we are only human!

@MuddlingThroughWithoutAClue thanks, the description of your dc appearing self centred is so familiar. He is exactly that, but I need to remember that he has to work harder than the rest of us not to be. I do wonder if he’s a bit of a narcissist but I’ll leave the diagnosis to his therapist.

Thanks too @1leapforward2back, it does help.

@Cantonet good luck with the GCSEs. I also have a dd who is doing them but appears to be happy with a load of 4s and isn’t doing a stroke of work. Give me strength.

Hi there, not been on for a while, looking for advice please. DD had a massive panic attack on a plane this time 3 years ago. She has a peanut allergy and it was a mixture of worry about that and worry about the plane crashing. Following that there were other anxious episodes leading to a crisis in the first lockdown. We sought out a private psychologist and psychiatrist and a combination of therapy and medication has helped her massively. We would all really like to go on holiday but she is very scared about going on a plane. She wants to, but doesn’t know how she’ll be. It will be her biggest challenge to date. I would hope to start with a flight to London, we’re in Scotland so that would be 1 hour. I consulted the psychiatrist about getting a prescription for phenegren and she wrote to our GP but they refused to prescribe. Does anyone have any advice? (No judgement please, I would hope that it would calm her enough to realise it’s not as scary as she thinks and we wouldn’t need it again) Thanks

Roxie it is good to ‘see’ you. I am pleased to hear DD is doing well. For flying, if the GP won’t prescribe promethazine (and I can see why they wouldn’t, as they don’t like doing that - that’s not a judgement on you just a comment on practices) or something else that would help the psychiatrist could (although you would pay private prescription charge) or you could buy promethazine OTC (but you would have to lie to get it). If you do use promethazine or other medication DD hasn’t taken before do try it first, I know someone who used piriton in a not dissimilar circumstances and their DC is one of people piriton makes hyper.

As well as medication speak to the airline and airport about assistance e.g. priority going through security and passport control or boarding first/last (depending on lots of factors we decide what we think will be best for that particular flight) and disembarking first. Some airports have a quiet or sensory room too. BA do a fear of flying course if you think that might help, they have ones specifically aimed at DC - made for an interesting flight!

Muddling you have so much on your plate at the moment, being overwhelmed is understandable. Others having worries don’t diminish yours, you are entitled to feel how you do. I am sorry to hear about your music teacher and cat. Being pulled in different directions with elderly parents and DC is difficult.

I don’t know what happened there. made for an interesting flight was meant to be at the end of the first paragraph, not the second.

Roxie lovely to hear DD is doing ok.ive never flown,so can't advice but leap has some great ideas there
Muddling you sound like me in a way-always busy as stopping gives to much thinking time?
Losing a cat is a bug deal,they're family members who often give so much when we need it most.im sorry to hear about music teachers death.will you continue to "learn" ?so good you have an outlet/hobby.elderly parents and another layer to your stresses.dont compare your worries to others,how we cope as individuals with stress is very different.one person may seem to have every resilience in adversity whilst another might crumble at first challenge.all are ok,valid to that person and situation

Thank you Leap and Zoo. Cat(s) very much member(s) of the family and everyone who knows/works with DD2 knows how central they are in her world and how they help with her anxiety.

Playing an instrument is a great outlet and keeps my mind ticking over. I would like to carry on with lessons but finding the right teacher is key and I can't imagine anyone living up to my previous teacher. He was a lovely man and the same age as me so we grew up in the same era.

muddling D's and dd2 both use our cats as soothers
He sounds very special,and if grew up in same era I'd expect that has impacted thoughts of your own mortality too

Hello everyone,
Nice to hear from you Muddling and Roxie.

DD 14 has just shaved her head, feel ridiculously upset, she announced last week she wanted a buzz cut and her sister borrowed her boyfriend clippers and has just shaved it off.
Feel ridiculously upset, came upstairs for a little cry, I know in the grand scheme of things it's just hair no idea why i feel so emotional, anyway she likes it and she does look quite cute ( although I'm biased) she now wants to bleach and dye the stubble.
Just as well she's no longer at her girls grammar school as that would be definitely be a phone call home!!

Still no news on school front since offer of specialist school placement fell through, feeling frustrated that I can't get her an education, particularly as with her new meds she's much less anxious so I think ready to re-engage.
We have a busy week, she has her first art therapy session ( that we are paying for- CAMHS have been completely useless)
And we have an initial appointment with OT as well- also private, so I am now worrying about cost of everything and how to juggle it all with work.

Still not fully recovered from covid could do with another week off work tbh although my test now show just a very faint so hope will feel better soon.

Anyway onwards and upwards!

runner that would reduce me to tears I've no idea why I'm so attached to their hair being long,but here we are..
Hope art therapy goes well

Lol zoo has her long awaited continence team meet online today.really hoping it gives us something we can use going forwards.she is refusing to go to school again today saying needs to,but can't poo...

Not as productive as I had hoped
As we have already done the disempaction protocol constipation is unlikely to meet criteria and loo avoidance might not either so need a staff meet to see if it's to be passed to camhs(who still haven't allocated a worker after 18 + months for her..)

In other news D's "school" is slowly becoming a farce
ADHD student having daily meltdowns as refused cans pepsi in unit.yesterday result in him kicking off in outside area and escaping unit perimeter somehow
Water fight between other disruptive students and him also D's now hides in library a lot.a non verbal new kid paces nervously.there is a severe behaviour unit literally a few doors down
Staff a leaving left right and centre.5since sept.only one remaining original plus head,and some have left in just weeks
DS us ultra stressed and miserable
Never answer emails
I'm at wits end over it all

Thank you very much for the advice @1leapforward2back I will definitely irritate try the medication beforehand and contact the airline. Fingers crossed!