Parents and carers of anxious kids/teens(part5)

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi guys
Just spotted we have filled another thread!
I started part 1 during the journey with my sons escalating anxiety
This thread is a non judgemental place to support each other
As parents and carers we recognise how hard,stressful,and often lonely,this unseen battle can be.others dismissing small wins as the norm for most etc
Please feel free to offload here,share your small wins,take the support and comfort this thread brings

Ds is at an academy, does that make any difference as to how I proceed @1leapforward2back? Thank you

No, it doesn't mummy.

@1leapforward2back finally started the application!
I spoke to social care and they said can't do anything because he doesn't have a diagnosis. To be honest, I think the lady I spoke to was a bit inexperienced.

@1leapforward2back

No, it doesn't mummy.

Thank you 💗

@Mummy your school sound dreadful and obnoxiously obtuse. Surely the psychologist is writing a letter on your sons behalf ( and you as he is underage). How did the deputy head have a right to complain?

@Zoo I know what you mean about dh nothingness - 100%.

That's progress @Runnerduck34. We're in the same position. Ss agreed, but we're waiting for the decision letter, so we haven't got to the stage of looking at any schools yet.
Meanwhile I can't even have a conversation with ds14 about doing any home learning. It just pushes up his anxiety. And now he's cross with me for messing everything up by taking out of the horrible ms school. It seems he enjoyed the daily punishments and sanctions 😳!!

I'm at my wits end with this whole thing....

They really are @ Fferny1 It was when he (the clinical psychologist) emailed to explain that ds’ immune system will be compromised because of his mental health and that anxiety in itself can cause absence.
The deputy head was claiming ds was a “persistent absentee with school refusal” and was he (the clinical psychologist) claiming all of ds’ absences were because of his anxiety. In which case they would require a medical letter to state that ds cannot be expected to attend school in line with his peers.
The clinical psychologist then emailed to say he was happy to provide this letter and the deputy head then questioned as to if he was at consultant level because otherwise they wouldn’t recognise the letter.
He copied us into all of these emails, the deputy head then asked for who to complain to about him because she didn’t give her consent for her emails to be shared even though they were discussing ds.
It’s sickening. The clinical psychologist then refused to engage further with the school. The school have completely lost focus on the child and are only bothering about rules and a 90% attendance.

Mummy I am rarely shocked by schools.but that shocked me
Leap can she complain to LA about it?

mummy that’s awful from the school, although a plus is them doing so much of it via email to provide evidence of the level of awfulness!

always social care are fobbing you off, you do not need a diagnosis. See here and here. Where are you in the EHCNA process? Social care should be asked for advice as part of the needs assessment - "not known to the service" is not a lawful response.

mummy ignore the school. The deputy head needs to remember if you made a SAR, which wouldn't be a bad idea, the emails should be disclosed anyway. Zoo IMO at the moment mummy would be better focusing on securing medical needs tuition and applying for an EHCNA. If she did want to complain she would need to follow the school's complaints policy, and as it is an academy it isn't under LA control.

leap thanks for clearing that up.i don't know what we would do without your extensive knowledge of the systems(that's sincere,I hope it's not coming across otherwise)
Also how's D's now?we still have a few letting of bloody fireworks.grrr

DS has started getting more angry with his anxiety.im not sure how to handle it.any suggestions?
He gets really mad at himself and upset after as he doesn't want to be "a bad person or a bully"- his words

*seen as a bully/unkind to other people by shouting

Oh goodness, I’m so sorry to be high maintenance but can I please ask what a SAR is?
I will most definitely do that @1leapforward2back thank you.
CAMHS sent a letter also but they haven’t even acknowledged it. I emailed this morning to ask if it had been received because I had received copy correspondence 2 weeks ago and the school said that they’d let me know once they’d received it. Nothing. Then this morning I sent a photo of the letter after they said they hadn’t received it. Then they replied, oh yes, we received that one. Basically not acknowledging it as evidence enough to mitigate his attendance.
Even when he’s in school, I’m emailing and making phone calls or researching. Or I’m back and forth driving him to appointments. It’s all consuming.
He won’t even get his Covid vaccination because he’s even more anxious now about getting sick. The school are making it all so much worse.

@Stilllivinginazoo

leap thanks for clearing that up.i don't know what we would do without your extensive knowledge of the systems(that's sincere,I hope it's not coming across otherwise) Also how's D's now?we still have a few letting of bloody fireworks.grrr

DS has started getting more angry with his anxiety.im not sure how to handle it.any suggestions?
He gets really mad at himself and upset after as he doesn't want to be "a bad person or a bully"- his words

We spoke about this last week with ds’ CAMHS practitioner. She gave the analogy of a fizzy bottle that pops its top off because of all of the anxiety bubbles. She recommended that ds takes time to self care and relax. She recommended meditation. She’s going to go into it more next week. So I’ll be able to help more then. Please reassure your ds that it’s not surprising that he feels angry sometimes and can lash out. But if he starts to feel angry it’s a good idea to remove himself from a room or situation to calm himself and take time out. That’s the advice we’ve been given so far x

Zoo, its because its an independent specialist school, they want to show LA she will attend to help our case in fighting for funding/ tribunal process and also do their own OT and SALT assessments to ensure all needs are identified (and costs covered).
As parents couldn't find an LA funded SS and clearly LA are having problems too. I think EOTAS may best for DD but have been told its only agreed to as a last resort and only for short term.

@fferny1 so sorry its so tough right now, I also carry most (all!) of the emotional load, emails, appointments, form filling etc etc it's exhausting physically but also emotionally, do try and take some time to yourself and delegate if you can.

Mackencheese, it's easy to loose will to live with it all, I'm also often walking in eggshells round DD.

Mummy- beyond belief the school would threaten attendace panel for attendance just below 90% and aren't accepting letters from professionals , I would definitely complain, ask for complaints procedure. Attendance at just below 90% for a DC with anxiety is actually an extremely good attendance rate.

Leap - JR is looking increasingly tempting!

Hello, I hope it’s not rude to jump in here without reading from thread 1? This just popped up in active and it’s just what I need. I’ve a Y8 DD whose been diagnosed with anxiety. I’ll bore you all with the details another time but for now I’ll go and read up how you have all been coping and trying to get to grips with the acronyms.

Mummy you never have to apologise for asking a question on here. A SAR is a subject access request.

Runner EOTAS via an EHCP doesn't have to be short term. It can be long term. DS1 has had it for years. I know others in real life and on MN whose DC has had it longer term as well.

Zoo it is the same here, there's no reason to still be setting them off. DS1 is even more of a nervous wreck than usual. Do the school use Zones of Regulation? And does DS have any MH therapies and OT in the EHCP? Emotional literacy and SALT will help DS understand and communicate his feelings in a more socially acceptable way, too.

X post. Welcome VegimalCrudite. Don't feel you have to read all the threads if you don't want to, you can jump in here if you prefer.

I forgot to say: thanks for the new thread!! 😂

Ok, thank you! I’ll maybe sit back and watch for a bit. This isn’t the worst time for DD, that was y5, and we have some CAMHS help but I don’t really know what we and the school should be doing. A few strategies in place but not much.

Tbh I am a bit thrown as in the talk we had with CAMHS they suggested some sort of family therapy. No way wil Dd go for that but it’s left me feeling dreadful and anxious myself. Could they tell how awful parents we were from one meeting?

@Vegimelcrudite, I doubt very much you're an awful parent! We had family therapy with DD1when she had anorexia , tbh it was awful very cringy and uncomfortable ( sorry!) however we also did a group family support/ therapy and that was much better.
DD1 now recovered it's her younger sister who has anxiety and ASC who is currently really struggling. CAMHS have offered virtually nothing, first said she wasn't ready to engage then when ASC was diagnosed we had group online zoom sessions that weren't sufficient and have now offered just two more online sessions but based on anxiety ladder, gradual exposure etc which DD is resistant too as she thinks it's pointless.
Leap its really encouraging EOTAS can be longer term😊

leap school have begun zones of regulation with him(he says that,but not what it involves so I've no idea!)
Vegimal welcome.lots of things can create anxiety in children.for my family I have anxiety and camhs were quick to point out that and it can feel quite like a personal attack but they certainly don't claim I'm a bad parent for it.thet aren't looking at our lives as a whole but a mere snapshot of potential circumstances.dd2(17) has done anxiety group work which hasn't changed her mindset sadly,D's(15 and diagnosed ASD at 14)currently working with camhs CBT.hes finding trying to rate anxiety tricky and the anxiety ladder is very hard to guage what goes where.we have a face to face meet Thursday for a walk at local nature reserve as he prefers teams meetings and worker would like chance to chat in person

mummy he tends to self soothe with our cats when he's got himself all upset
Be interested to hear strategies camhs offer you next week

I posted under a different name on another thread about DD2's school refusing last year in Y7. The year was disrupted by lockdowns anyway but she had missed school due to anxiety and various mystery ilnesses (all likely related to anxiety) from the start, and a bit in Y6 too. Other than when faced with going to school she was in good spirits.

We couldn't identify anything in particular "wrong" with the school other than it was a bit further away from home which was causing perhaps more separation anxiety. She had been having some counselling with the local NHS Trust school health nurse, who was also extremely helpful to me personally in navigating the system and communicating with the school. Still DD2 didn't manage to attend school much at all in the Summer Term. Then DD2's case was escalated to the next level for counselling and by August this year she started face to face sessions with a counsellor at the local hospital.

Was still very difficult to get into school at all at the start of term. But we had some good news and she was offered a place at a local school, which we snapped up and DD2 was delighted about this.

It hasn't resolved her school refusal anxiety entirely, but just the logistics of the school being closer have meant we can drive her in, and you are allowed to drive right into the school grounds. The school have been excellent though, getting the issue right from the start, and things like making someone from pastoral care available at short notice in the morning.

It has still been a struggle, we don't quite know how she will be from one day to the next and it's more difficult on Mondays and after holidays. Often both DH and I have been needed to get her into school, I've had to get her out of bed and dressed. One morning she shot out of the car on the drive, ran off and went missing for an hour. Worst hour of my life. She hadn't gone far, but we were obviously absolutely sick with worry. Then other days she gets everything ready herself and gets on the school bus!

Overall though she has been in school, in Y8, most of the time. Homework is still an issue, there is a lot of hand-holding, encouragement and help required on our side. We aren't out of the woods yet, but she is mostly in school and engaging well, and I even got a lovely email about her work from her Geography teacher at the end of Term 1. She comes home from school absolutely buzzing about it, but then the next morning it can be almost back to square one at times.

@MummyJ12 I'm really shocked about how the school have been towards you and DS. Would a change of school help or would that just be counterproductive? I was so worried when I started to get letters about attendance, but as long as I kept the attendance officer aware of the situation, the old and new schools have been great about it. And DD2 has never been under consultant care. I was able to give her first school permission and the GP permission to share her medical records though which helped them in terms if authorising the absence at one point.

elfton lovely to hear things are moving forwards for you