SOooooooooo alone

[Nads38]

I am feeling like the biggest desperate loser ever. I have 2dds 22 months and 4 months. I am struggling to cope some days. I am Australian and neither my husband or I have any family here in the UK. We have just moved to Plymouth and the group that we are involved with are quite clicky, so I have not made any friends. I hate where I live, I have 25 stairs to climb to get to the road, so I can't walk my babies and dogs, and I am normally a very outdoors person. I feel like such a loser that I have no friends and feel so crap. I have been to my GP who didn't care, just gave me a questionnaire to fill out and return it in two weeks, he didn't even listen to a word I was saying. I have joined mother groups, but never really bonded with anyone. We move quite a lot around the UK, so I am used to making new friends, but I am really struggling here. I am at home a lot with the girls by myself as DH is away with work a lot. I live in a tiny house, with crap neighbours and I find myself watching the same kids TV ALL day with all doors and windows closed, I just really really really hate my life and not quite sure how to fix it. Any suggestions would be really appreciated

Oh you poor thing, I so feel for you. I found it really hard to make friends and m and t groups until my dd went to school-- i found the school mums really friendly and suddenly it all 'clicked'.

Until then I would say keep persevering with the groups near you, try and get involved with as many activities as possible eg music groups, swimming etc

Is there a gym near you with a creche where you could go and do a class or something?

Are there any mumsnetters in your area?

Is your health visitor any good, mine used to advise me about activities etc

Don't lose faith in yourself, it is such an isolating time when you are stuck at home with two little ones. You are so not a loser!

Just wanted to add to bluejelly's comments -you are not a loser, you are in a difficult position with young children. I have been in the situation of living overseas with small children and no family and it is tough. If you have just moved house that in itself can be unsettling and this time of year it is so much worse because of the awful weather etc. It does sound like you are somewhat depressed and I would encourage you to go back to your GP or maybe ask to see another Dr. in the practise who may be more sympathetic. Fresh air and exercise will help - sitting indoors and watching the TV will not. Are there any parks near you or indoor play places where at least the kids can get some exercise? if money is an issue then often libraries do story sessions and things like that which are usually free. Mothers groups can be difficult and sometimes intimidating, it can take a while to get to know people - you say you have only just moved here, maybe you need to give it more time. You say you move around a lot, well you probably know by now that British people can be quite stand-offish especially with "foreigners" and I know Aussies are generally more outgoing (at least that is true of my two best friends in the world who are both Aussies!) so there may be some cultural differences at work here! Is there anyone you have warmed to even slightly who you might invite round for a cup of tea? Sometimes if you can make friends with just one person that can make you feel less isolated and can lead on to other things. I'm so sorry I am nowhere near you or I would invite you round for a chat - you sound like you are having a rough time, hang in there, and I hope things pick up for you.

I do get an outlet a couple of times a week, I go to the gym with a great creche, so at least I get a bit of me time. I just feel so lonely, and Im embarrased that I have no friends, esp when my husband makes instant friends with his job. Not sure about Mumsnetters in my area and my Health Visitor was really condesending (sp) I feel like it's an effort to go to music groups and swimming as I worry that one of them will be tired or be naughty and I don't know how I would cope by myself with two naughty ones in public. Am I just a big moaner... I am usually very positive, and maybe that's my struggle, I hate being so down and I don't know how to cope with it.

Thanks mrsmalumbas. I am scared of going back to the Dr as I don't want to take AD, I just think its my circumstances that I have little control over. You are right about Aussies being more outgoing, I certainly am and maybe that has put people off me, but I am who I am, not going to change. Mumsnet makes me feel sad that my only "friends" are virtual ones, but at the same time, they are invaluable, so thank you so much

you are not alone,

i live near plymouth, am having hard time meself atm, with horrible ex, and to cap it all i have a lovely virus.

I moved back down tis way about 6 yrs ago, and have had to really put myself out there. Its a shitty timeof year too, everyone wants to scuttle home after groups and things. I lived in a tiny village and saw nonne for weeks when my dd was as little as yours, so do not think its you.

Things only imporved with time, and tbh, when school started, then u get to meet people regularly. There's clicks everwhere!!

When i am better we could meet up if u like.

nads, i'm in tavistock with 3 month old baby. you want to meet for coffee? you too pirate if you're better? i can come to you if you'd prefer - or we can meet in town? whatever you like. being a SAHM can be quite lonely can't it? I feel like this some days, even though i'm in a town where i've nearly alays lived and have family around, so your situation must be much harder, but you sound nice and i'd like to help a little if i can

I am appauled that your doctor has not listened to you. I have and many on this website suffered depression and I can promise you that not all doctors are like the one you have spoken too. Have you a health visitor or nurse at your practice you can talk to instead as they are better and generally listen. You have had alot of changes in your life and moving to another country and having children is huge and highly bloody stressfull. If you can talk to the health visitor or nurse and be very honest about the mother groups ( I felt like an outsider because they had their groups of freinds already made and it is hard to be accepted however polite and chatty you are, GRRRRRRRR)and talk to them about the doctor too. Other mumsnetters will back me up that you should not need to fill out a questionairre. Don't give up as if your asking and looking for advice it says your not a quitter. Stay tough and good luck! you will get through it, and tell that hubby of yours, he needs to know as you have made alot of changes to be with him.

How awful, moving here at this time of year won't help! There is a conditions call SAD (something to do with the Winter season) that is known to make people feel down. If you have just come over from lovely Sunny Aus no wonder you are feeling down!

Meet up with Kerri28 or other MNetters locally and have a really good moan and a laugh, I bet you will feel better In the mean time focus on making Christmas nice for your little family and try to have some fun with the girls, get the paint out and make a mess etc. It will make grest Christmas cards. Hope you feel more upbeat soon.

Hello lovely, are you a military family by any chance? I;m in Portsmouth and we've got lots of Aussie and NZ families over here on exchange with the navy. I wondered if you were on a married patch, with the cliquey comment - I know they can be hard to break into.

There are loads of MNers near you - have a look on the meetups threads, hey be brave and START one. Loopymumsy would probably be up for it (if she hadn't had a baby yesterday!)

Hope things improve for you x

maybe you should move to teddington, their are loads of austrailians around here as it is close to London....great people as well.

How are you today?

Wow, I didn't expect so much great advice, thank you so much.

We are not military, my Hubby plays rugby for his job, that it what we are doing in Plymouth, and the reason why we move so much. I have been in the UK and Ireland for the past 6 years now, and have been able to settle in everywhere else, I find that people look at me like I am "too hard work" with 2 children, I don't get invited anywhere and get ignored a bit at the rugby too, but I like to go as its one of the only outings I get.

I had a tough night last night and came to the conclusion that I may have PND, but not due to being a Mum or the girls, it's my circumstances that I can't change. I am not going to rush into AD, will go to the Dr this week for a referral to a councellor.

What is a meetups thread? My MIL suggested I go to a support group for PND, but don't even know where to start to find one!!

It sounds like your GP is being most unhelpful. Is there another surgery near you which you could go to?

Dramaqueen: I am going back to the Dr's this week to see a new female dr there, but it's not easy getting to the Drs with 2 small ones running around the place while trying to pour my heart out to someone !

Kerri28: I am really nervous about meeting new people, but I have to, maybe this is just part of feeling blue, I need to otherwise there is no sense in me writing this thread, I used to be really confident and outgoing...... so yeh, would love to meet for coffee, but would have to be somewhere that is toddler friendly as she gets bored easily sitting in a high chair or buggy for too long

hiya nads, i am also very nervous about meeting people, but thats just me - i'm ok when i meet them though, it just the apprehension!! I need to get out more () so i'd love to meet you, am trying to think of somewhere toddler friendly - not something i have to think of yet - i will have a search and get back to you....

hmm, harder than i imagined there is a place called jump which is an indoor soft play area but could be very noisy and a bit intense for us to talk - we'd end up on the slides me thinks! havent given up....

distracted by crying baby....ill look again tomorrow, do you have a car nads? just wondering how far my search can go! Hope to see you somewhere next week

kerri

Hi Kerri, I have a car. One place that we go to a bit is China Fleet Country Club in Saltash. They have a nice little cafe and a play area for kids, if that isn't too far for you!

sounds great to me - i was going to suggest the holland inn but thought that might be too far for you!!!

when suits you? i can do tomorrow anytime, thursday after 3, or friday afternoon?

quite excited in a scared-of-meeting-people kind of way!

oh and you want to e-mail me at [email protected], i'll give you my mobile so you can phone me if i (inevitably) get lost and/or am late

Nads - Hang in there! Over a year ago I was living outside of the UK with husband and a child and no family either around. I too was surrounded by loads of groups that were clicky and it took about a year before I came across some genuine people who became my friends, and from all walks of life.
TBH, I find most people who move around a lot tend to be more open to others and less clicky rather than those who have spent all their lives in one area.

I am really sorry to hear you hate where you live. I used to live in Plymouth and I swear it's much better there than where I am now within the UK Only at the weekend I was down there for a visit to the aquarium and to meet up with my Mum who had travelled there to see us.

When I moved back to the UK and to the area I newly moved to, first thing I did was check out any local forums.. do this for Plymouth, you may find something suitable. The forum for my area wasn't child based, but I made new friends from all walks of life through it and I learnt LOADS about the area too.. very useful for shopping tips, places to eat etc

Post on here in the meetups section, you may get lucky.

I am glad you have a car, use it to get out and explore.. you have the water and moors at hand, so try get yourself outdoors in the fresh air.

So wish I was in Plymouth because I'd have you over for coffee and a natter any time (and I am not the most extroverted person, but I do know what being in another country is like

am feeling like the biggest desperate loser ever. I have 2dds 22 months and 4 months. I am struggling to cope some days. I am Australian and neither my husband or I have any family here in the UK. We have just moved to Plymouth and the group that we are involved with are quite clicky, so I have not made any friends. I hate where I live, I have 25 stairs to climb to get to the road, so I can't walk my babies and dogs, and I am normally a very outdoors person. I feel like such a loser that I have no friends and feel so crap. I have been to my GP who didn't care, just gave me a questionnaire to fill out and return it in two weeks, he didn't even listen to a word I was saying. I have joined mother groups, but never really bonded with anyone. We move quite a lot around the UK, so I am used to making new friends, but I am really struggling here. I am at home a lot with the girls by myself as DH is away with work a lot. I live in a tiny house, with crap neighbours and I find myself watching the same kids TV ALL day with all doors and windows closed, I just really really really hate my life and not quite sure how to fix it. Any suggestions would be really appreciated

Oh dear.. meant to cut your part from my response, but was using it to try and reply to

Nads-just wanted to say hi, looks like you have already made some buddies on here!

I was in your position a few years back but in reverse, a pom living in oz. I loved my life immensley until ds came along. Suddenly I felt completely isolated. I think looking back this was definately pnd coming into play.

I bulked at going on Ads but once I took the plunge I could not believe how different my life became. My mood lifted and with it my motivation to get out there and do things.

Its like we know what we need to do to change things but just dont have the motivation to do it.

In the meantime some other suggestions are; www.essentialbaby.com.au-its similar to mumsnet but aussie version and has some expat threads.
Also www.netmums.co.uk, they have a meet a mum board and you can log into a specific area.
You can also try NCT see if they have any groups running.

Its funny but I remember my GP saying to me (in aus) that she'd lived in london for 2years and went on holiday to greece, and it was here that she suddenly realised how depressed she was. She went back to London and booked a flight home! I know thats not an option for you but dont underestimate the effects of living in a foreign land with two very young and no family. It can be incredibly isolating.
And yes after having lived in australia for 6 years I am struggling myself with the indoor-ness imposed on me back in the UK. Good luck with it all. It will get better.

*with two very young children

Hi Kerrie, I just emailed you, if you are around tomorrow, I would love to meet up !
MArtha and smithfield, thank youso much, it's really nice to know that I am not "alone" in feeling so friendless and isolated. I know things will get better, but I am not sure how long I can put up with this feeling. I have booked an appt with a new Dr,a female who is supposed to be brilliant, I have booked a double appt to really sit down and sort out my options, just in case I am PND. I feel a little bit weak, like AD are for weirdo's only and that if I do go on them, I will never come off them.