Does depression ever go away?

[Inkdrinker]

I've been struggling with my mental health on and off for a long time now. I've tried copious amounts of medication and did DBT (similar to CBT) therapy. The therapy was great. I've stopped trying to kill myself every other week but I still feel so low, all the time. Medication just doesn't really work. Doctors don't know what else to do, psychiatrist just says to take deep breaths and remember tomorrow is a new day and I'm just done.

Is there even a slight chance of me living a normal happy life and not fucking up my kids mental health, like my parents did to mine? Even on my good days where I feel happy, depression is always at the back of my mind, always wondering when I'm going to feel that dark cloud cover me.

I'm tired of fighting and trying, I'm tired of failing everyone. I am angry at myself and at everybody that contributed to how I feel about myself now. I forget that I am 25 years old sometimes and still take on the hate that was given to me when I was a teenager.

If meds were working, then great, I wouldn't have an issue with medication but they dont help. They do nothing and I just want to stop them. I'm no good to anybody like this.

I don't know if it goes away but have found I can manage my anxiety with boundaries/ yoga/ magnesium/ sleep/ diet etc .. appreciate this isn't depression but it's helped me hugely to manage my own situation

Not until you change your life

Is there even a slight chance of me living a normal happy life and not fucking up my kids mental health, like my parents did to mine?

Normal life isn’t a happy life. Normal life has highs and lows, with lots of boring/blah in between. You need to accept normal life is a roller coaster- enjoy the happy bits you do get, coast through the bleh bits and wait out/get help for the low/depressing bits.

Yes you have a chance to not mess up your children’s mental health. In fact you have opportunity to role model for them how to deal with mental illness and persevere. You can give your children a much better start on life than your parents gave you.

Remember to be kind to yourself, you are a strong survivor and have overcome a traumatic past.

I think if you can work out WHY you're depressed then it may be possible to turn things around. Are you on hormonal contraception? If it doesn't suit you that can make you very depressed. I only found that out by accident, but of course I'm glad I did. Of course it may not be anything like that in your case, but it's always worth thinking about. I hope you can find a reason and start to feel happier again.

.Is there even a slight chance of me living a normal happy life and not fucking up my kids mental health, like my parents did to mine?.

Yes because you can choose to do differently, to break the cycle. It appears you hold resentment to your parents. I did too. However I have had to let go, because it was doing my present time no good. I found it helpful to think that perhaps back then there wasn't much help etc. It helped me have a bit more empathy.
Btw, I have depression and other mental health issues but by thinking of my son and his needs, it's helping me try to push forwards..not easy, but I am so proud of myself and you will be too.

@doubleshotcappuccino

I don't know if it goes away but have found I can manage my anxiety with boundaries/ yoga/ magnesium/ sleep/ diet etc .. appreciate this isn't depression but it's helped me hugely to manage my own situation

Thank you. Do you find that sometimes you manage all that perfectly well but then one day can completely throw you. For example, I try my best to get good sleep because I know that's a massive trigger for me but my 4 yo has kept me up since 2.30am 😔

@Talktalkchat

Not until you change your life

I mean, I have, drastically but its clearly not the right fit. X

@PlanDeRaccordement

Is there even a slight chance of me living a normal happy life and not fucking up my kids mental health, like my parents did to mine?

Normal life isn’t a happy life. Normal life has highs and lows, with lots of boring/blah in between. You need to accept normal life is a roller coaster- enjoy the happy bits you do get, coast through the bleh bits and wait out/get help for the low/depressing bits.

Yes you have a chance to not mess up your children’s mental health. In fact you have opportunity to role model for them how to deal with mental illness and persevere. You can give your children a much better start on life than your parents gave you.

Remember to be kind to yourself, you are a strong survivor and have overcome a traumatic past.

That makes a lot of sense. I guess happiness is drummed into us so much these days that it feels weird or weak if you're anything but.

Thank you, I am trying. It's tough as I feel like no matter what I do, it's not good enough. I'm terrified of being like my parents and by all accounts my children are healthy and happy but I worry about it when my mood drops.

Thank you xx

@Theworldishard

.Is there even a slight chance of me living a normal happy life and not fucking up my kids mental health, like my parents did to mine?.

Yes because you can choose to do differently, to break the cycle. It appears you hold resentment to your parents. I did too. However I have had to let go, because it was doing my present time no good. I found it helpful to think that perhaps back then there wasn't much help etc. It helped me have a bit more empathy.
Btw, I have depression and other mental health issues but by thinking of my son and his needs, it's helping me try to push forwards..not easy, but I am so proud of myself and you will be too.

I will not lie. I do hold resentment towards my parents but I also have a really good relationship with them now that I am older. I am able to acknowledge that both my parents were mentally unwell but it was difficult having two alcoholics as parents who appeared to give no shit about us.

It's just I don't know how to get better when I hate myself so much and that does go right back to them and it is so hard to break the cycle.

Doesn't help my parents didn't really care for us as children, yet now as they've gotten older and the alcohol abuse has taken its toll, they expect me and my sisters to look after them and that does feel like a slap in the face. Sorry for ranting lol xz

@CrotchetyQuaver

I think if you can work out WHY you're depressed then it may be possible to turn things around. Are you on hormonal contraception? If it doesn't suit you that can make you very depressed. I only found that out by accident, but of course I'm glad I did. Of course it may not be anything like that in your case, but it's always worth thinking about. I hope you can find a reason and start to feel happier again.

I am on the hormonal coil but not sure what else I can use as I don't react too well with the pill.

Thank you xx

I guess happiness is drummed into us so much these days that it feels weird or weak if you're anything but.

Yes, happiness is really drummed into us and social media has only made it worse. With Facebook and Instagram feeds showing only the highlights/best bits of a person’s life it gives the impression that “normal people” just go from one high to another. But the reality is that most people have highs, lows and plateaus.

Yes, you do have depression so your lows have been much much worse than most people, but you are strong because you’ve survived them and worked hard in therapy to manage and process what you parents did to you. I don’t want to minimise depression...it is terrible and life threatening and to have come out the other end only shows how strong you really are. Perhaps you are in a bleh bit now...just coasting along. And that is ok place to be. It’s stable, predictable, not scary. And you can focus on family life. Some medications do numb...they take away the lows but also reduce the highs. My DH struggles with depression and that is what his medication does. He has said he misses the happy euphoric feelings he used to get, but doesn’t miss the kill myself now feelings. He has decided he’d rather be mellow and coasting, and have fewer highs than feel really low again.

I know what you mean about feeling not good enough, you’ve not had a good role model for parenting in your life. It’s a valid fear to have. But as you say, your children are happy and healthy so you are clearly doing a good job. Even if one of them does develop depression, there is a strong genetic component to depression so it would be genetics, not you causing it and you, I know, would move heaven and earth to get your child any help they might need. You are better than good enough, I know this because you have this worry. A bad parent wouldn’t care about how good a parent they are!

I hate myself so much

This is so sad OP. What is there to hate about you?
If your life story were that of a stranger and you read it, would you hate them? What would you think of a person raised by alcoholics who neglected and abused them, but they went on and became a good person who loves and cares for their children? I see nothing to hate and lots to admire.

As a fellow depression sufferer, I just wanted to say I know a little bit of the struggle, maybe not exactly the same as you, but you are a hero for getting through it because it is hard. Hang in there. x

Your post make me think that one of the Russ Harris books might help: The Happiness Trap or The Reality Slap. www.amazon.co.uk/Russ-Harris/e/B001JP4UP6%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Also, have you read much about being a child of alcoholics? Perfect Daughters is a good one. Also have a look at nacoa.org.uk/

You have self-awareness of your issues and potential impact on your children, which your parents likely didn’t have.

@PlanDeRaccordement it really is. These days I avoid social media as I know that it only makes myself feel worse about all the things I don't do right. The issue with me is I hold myself to super high expectations, when I envisioned having a family, it would be me taking them out all the time, enjoying family games but if anything there's just arguments and we barely leave the house as I struggle with all 3 kids and my back is bad.

I'm sorry to hear that your dh also suffers with depression, it can be so debilitating at times. He's very lucky to have such good support, as am I from my own partner which only makes me feel guilty. That's exactly the way my medication makes me feel and I'm tired of trying so many different things 😔

@PlanDeRaccordement

I hate myself so much

This is so sad OP. What is there to hate about you?
If your life story were that of a stranger and you read it, would you hate them? What would you think of a person raised by alcoholics who neglected and abused them, but they went on and became a good person who loves and cares for their children? I see nothing to hate and lots to admire.

It sounds really silly and pathetic but I've never really liked myself. Never felt loved, so I ran to the first person who I thought loved me but instead just abused me and just confirmed how I felt about myself.

I feel silly when I think of my upbringing, it wasn't the worst, it just wasn't brilliant. We had everything we wanted in toys but we never knew whether our mum was drunk, whether she was even awake, or my dad showing up drunk and embarrassing me in front of friends. I self harmed from a young age, tried overdosing at 14 and my mum still didn't realise I needed help. I've been with my current current partner for 7 years and bless his heart, he tries to tell me that I'm not all these things I think I am but I just don't know.

I'm not kind, I don't go out of my way to help people because I find it too hard which makes me self centered. I'm close to my mum now because I know she was sick, still is sick but it hurts, I never felt good enough for her to love me. I often wish that my overdose at 14 worked, it would have worked out for the best. I wish I could love myself but I don't even know where to start.

@SparklingLime

Your post make me think that one of the Russ Harris books might help: The Happiness Trap or The Reality Slap. ]]

Also, have you read much about being a child of alcoholics? Perfect Daughters is a good one. Also have a look at nacoa.org.uk/

You have self-awareness of your issues and potential impact on your children, which your parents likely didn’t have.

Thank you, I'll take a look at these as I love reading anyway.

I am aware, maybe too aware sometimes because I'm always feeling guilty. I have spoke to my children about mental health, particularly with my 9 year old but I never want to burden her with my problems, so I just try and educate her about feelings and how they can be intense sometimes. I always make sure my kids know that I love them all the time because we never had that xx

Depth therapy... psychodynamic, might be a better fit as you'll be encouraged to get to the root. Anger is usually the root of depression. 20's is hard though, imo life gets easier with age because you give less of a shit.

It can go away - I'm 27, suffered with depression from age 7 until around age 24 when it kind of just disappeared. I'll have the odd low day now and again but nothing like I used to be - it feels like I went through adolescence and early adult life on hard mode and now everything is suddenly so much easier!

Things that I think helped me:

• reframing my thoughts to stop thinking about myself negatively. I used to always think about how stupid I was, or tell myself off for things. I trained myself to stop these thoughts and think positively about myself. I keep a journal where I catalogue things I've achieved and things I've learnt each year and it helps to flick through it and know that every year is progress
• learnt to forgive my parents and other people who hurt or wronged me. Holding onto resentment was impacting my mental health. I had to learn to accept my childhood and move on
• removed my implant - hormonal contraception turned my depression into a whole other level of awful. It genuinely drove me mental. Once the implant was out I felt a lot more stable!
• started trying to care for myself the way I would care for someone who needed me. Everything from eating better to sleeping better to even soothing myself the way that I would if I were to try and settle down my niece or nephew. It sounds a bit mad but I now imagine myself stroking my hair and telling myself everything will be OK, and it helps - it also staves off the cycle of negative thoughts about myself
• let myself believe that other people like and love me

Ultimately I think there is an element of randomness to depression - i don't think it can necessarily be cured through effort and will alone. For me it's like my brain suddenly flicked a switch and decided to let me be happy.

Wishing you best of luck op. I know how horrible it is to feel bullied by your own mind!

@starsinthegutter

Depth therapy... psychodynamic, might be a better fit as you'll be encouraged to get to the root. Anger is usually the root of depression. 20's is hard though, imo life gets easier with age because you give less of a shit.

I wish I could afford that, I've asked and asked for trauma therapy but it never happens sadly.

I hope so, I really do xx

It sounds really silly and pathetic but I've never really liked myself. Never felt loved, so I ran to the first person who I thought loved me but instead just abused me and just confirmed how I felt about myself.

Not silly or pathetic at all. You were a unloved child and so internalised that you were unlovable and not deserving of love. But the fault was never in you, but in how horribly you were treated. Material things like toys, bed to sleep in can’t make up for lack of love.

I feel silly when I think of my upbringing, it wasn't the worst, it just wasn't brilliant.. It doesn’t have to be the worst to still be bad and have had deep impact on you.

I've been with my current current partner for 7 years and bless his heart, he tries to tell me that I'm not all these things I think I am but I just don't know.. Your partner sounds very supportive and wonderful. :)

I'm not kind, I don't go out of my way to help people because I find it too hard which makes me self centered.

That’s not a bad thing in your situation, imho. You are struggling to be kind to yourself, so I don’t think focusing on kindness to yourself and your family is self-centred, but good self-care. You have too much on your plate right now to take on the troubles of other people as well. And you’re not unusual in this, most people with young families are far too busy to do community service and they aren’t struggling with depression plus elder care of alcoholic parents on top of it all! Most people give back after retirement. So long as you do no harm, you are a good person.

You might also find this helpful re parenting: www.facebook.com/littleheartsbooks

I would echo the post from Inkdrinker.
From what I know of CBT and DBT, they are designed to enable you to change your thought processes, i.e., reframing the way you think about things.
I hope that these kinds of therapy help people, but AFAIK they don't deal with what's actually caused the feelings, or as Inkdrinker says, the root. In your case, the way you were treated as a child.
I too think you would benefit from Psychodynamic, or Person-Centred, or Gestalt Therapy, but, as you say, it's being able to afford it as these types of therapy are normally only available privately.
You're only 25, and I would love to think that you have so much life to look forward to

Is there even a slight chance of me living a normal happy life and not fucking up my kids mental health, like my parents did to mine

It will help to stop living in this victim mindset. It's your parents fault that your head got messed up, but it's not up to them any more. They are now as much of an irrelevance as YOU choose them to be.

You are responsible for you now, not them, not their poor treatment of you when you were growing up, not anything that isn't happening to you right now, today.

Why are you aiming for 'normal'? Who gets to decide what's normal? Who do you think is making the rules about this? Do things that make you happy. Treat yourself to things you love. Spend time on things thta you will look back on and think 'Aw, I'm so glad I did that.'

Do the same with your kids. Teach them to do things that they will look back on happily, and be proud of.

Your parents are no longer relevant. They are a manifestation of your propensity to look backwards and blame, neither of which are healthy habits. Start looking forwards, to yourself and your children, instead, with responsibility. You are in charge. Create your own normal which is different from everybody else's.

Strongly disagree with TheFoundations. Yes, we all have personal responsibility for our own lives as adults, but what you have written is too harsh. The impact of a traumatic childhood is often not thrown off just by “choosing”.