Does depression ever go away?

[Inkdrinker]

I've been struggling with my mental health on and off for a long time now. I've tried copious amounts of medication and did DBT (similar to CBT) therapy. The therapy was great. I've stopped trying to kill myself every other week but I still feel so low, all the time. Medication just doesn't really work. Doctors don't know what else to do, psychiatrist just says to take deep breaths and remember tomorrow is a new day and I'm just done.

Is there even a slight chance of me living a normal happy life and not fucking up my kids mental health, like my parents did to mine? Even on my good days where I feel happy, depression is always at the back of my mind, always wondering when I'm going to feel that dark cloud cover me.

I'm tired of fighting and trying, I'm tired of failing everyone. I am angry at myself and at everybody that contributed to how I feel about myself now. I forget that I am 25 years old sometimes and still take on the hate that was given to me when I was a teenager.

If meds were working, then great, I wouldn't have an issue with medication but they dont help. They do nothing and I just want to stop them. I'm no good to anybody like this.

@SparklingLime

Strongly disagree with TheFoundations. Yes, we all have personal responsibility for our own lives as adults, but what you have written is too harsh. The impact of a traumatic childhood is often not thrown off just by “choosing”.

I didn't sugar coat it and I didn't say it was easy. It took me a lot of counselling to make the choice myself.

But what push comes to shove, it is actually the case. If the abuse isn't continuing, then it only exists now within the victim. The victim can choose to stay a victim, or not. It might take a lot of work, but the change can't happen anywhere but within the victim.

I found this very interesting as a different perspective:

www.roomtothrive.com/blog/2020/3/1/trauma-is-not-your-fault-period

If you're saying that's a different perspective from what I said, you don't know the difference between fault and responsibility. It's a big one when it comes to dealing with trauma.

If you were referring to it being a different perspective from all the others here, my apologies.

Has your therapy included looking at your core beliefs? These are the 'truths' you developed as a child about yourself, other people and the world at large - they become part of your unconscious so unless you become aware of them, you will never be able to challenge them and the 'rules' that have built up around them.

They help you make sense of what's happening around you - from around the age of 4 years old - as a defence mechanism and can be positive or negative. From the way you talk about yourself and your upbringing your core beliefs are profoundly negative, which is at the heart of your issues.

This article explains in more detail;

www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

And this video gives more details in a really easy to understand way;

I also totally disagree with @TheFoundations.
Your parents were unable to meet your basic needs as an infant/child and as a result you suffered intense trauma and developed core beliefs that you are bad/unlovable/worthless/powerless.
To unravel these beliefs you need to go back and unlock this trauma.
CBT is not suitable for this, you'll need to see a psychotherapist/psychologist. As part of that process you'll need to allow the anger and rage you should have expressed as a child against your crap parents to be released.
It is a slow, difficult and painful process.

One of the most difficult parts of changing your core beliefs is to identify what your beliefs actually are.
If you listen to your critical inner voice telling you you are a "worthless, pathetic piece of shit", or similar then you start to understand what you believe about yourself.
Gradually you will realise that this is your parents voice, who effectively abandoned you emotionally as a child.
I found the books by Robert Firestone on Critical inner voice therapy, to be amazing.
Also read some Alice Miller books on how parents destroy their children's psyche and lives.
Good luck.

That piece used both words, @TheFoundations:
fault and responsibility.

My point was that OP needs to take responsibility, and do things that put her in a position where she can make healthier choices.

If anybody thinks it's not OP's responsibility to do that, a) whose is it and b) why are you making suggestions to OP about how to fix it?

Goodness, you sound very defensive, TheFoundations. I won’t engage further as it’s no help to OP. I’ve just realised you probably only read the title of my link.

Yes! It certainly can go away x

It's the OPs responsibility to fix it because they are the only one that can (with lots of professional help and guidance), but it's not the OPs fault and it's very important that they understand that so they can learn to express their anger externally at the root cause, ie crap parents and not internally, ie blaming themselves.

@BobbyMcGeeAndMe

I also totally disagree with *@TheFoundations*. Your parents were unable to meet your basic needs as an infant/child and as a result you suffered intense trauma and developed core beliefs that you are bad/unlovable/worthless/powerless. To unravel these beliefs you need to go back and unlock this trauma. CBT is not suitable for this, you'll need to see a psychotherapist/psychologist. As part of that process you'll need to allow the anger and rage you should have expressed as a child against your crap parents to be released. It is a slow, difficult and painful process.

One of the most difficult parts of changing your core beliefs is to identify what your beliefs actually are.
If you listen to your critical inner voice telling you you are a "worthless, pathetic piece of shit", or similar then you start to understand what you believe about yourself.
Gradually you will realise that this is your parents voice, who effectively abandoned you emotionally as a child.
I found the books by Robert Firestone on Critical inner voice therapy, to be amazing.
Also read some Alice Miller books on how parents destroy their children's psyche and lives.
Good luck.

Um, how do you know the OP suffered intense trauma? Your post is very dramatic and not particularly helpful in saying that it's a "slow, difficult and painful process".

I would hazard a guess that InkDrinker's parents didn't have great role models either - and maybe bad parenting goes back several generations - but you have to ask, what is the value of ascribing blame at this point in time?

What's more important now is to break that cycle by understanding that, whilst the negative self images were certainly formed in childhood, they are NOT fixed and can be worked through, without drama and recriminations.

Given that the OP now has a good relationship with her parents it might be a good idea to talk to them about their own upbringing and making the connections between past and present, as equals. The OP will know if this would be productive or not.

@SparklingLime

Goodness, you sound very defensive, TheFoundations. I won’t engage further as it’s no help to OP. I’ve just realised you probably only read the title of my link.

I will defend my original point, yes, if someone seems to be interpreting me as saying that the fault in abuse is the victim's.

It's quite important that that idea isn't put across to OP, so I didn't want to be misinterpreted.

I would say it is possible but it is very hard.
I can relate to the fact that 1 day of poor/broken sleep will set you back.
I find it helpful in those situations, if I can, to remind myself that it’s just 1 day - I.e. instead of thinking ‘this is a disaster, I haven’t slept enough and now I feel awful and have depressive thoughts’ , try to tell myself ‘this is one day, I have been doing really well lately at taking care of myself, I just need to go easy on myself today and go to bed early, tomorrow will be another day’.

So basically an element of internal positive self talk. Avoid ‘always’ statements, which make everything seem worse - eg ‘I always mess up’.

I would also second others saying keep having for psychotherapy/ psychologist/ counselling.

And, I also reacted badly to hormonal contraception. Just something to consider. You could trial changing it and see if it helps.

pete-walker.com/

adultchildren.org/aca-daily-affirmation/

These two websites helped me understand the impact of my traumatic childhood on my moods, behaviours, reactions, mental and physical health - especially around coping and functioning.

I learned about complex PTSD- how my body reacted and how to intercept by recognising the physical sensations of triggers.

I also read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and the Phillipa Perry book on parenting.

My aim to have a calm and peaceful home - where everyone behaves with kindness and respect to each other. This starts with treating yourself this way.

Keeping it v simple and stress free. I dialed down my busy life away from expectations of others and from social media - my aim is to get through each day without a row.

It was a revelation to me that “a calm and peaceful home” was a goal.

It has worked for me and my depression that dogged me for 20 years has gone.

I wish you luck. You are miles ahead of your parents with regards parenting.

I had to take a break from this thread for a little while, whilst I get myself in the right head space, thank you everyone for being so helpful to me when I really needed it. I'm feeling a bit better now and hopefully can just continue improving 😃 xx

Can you afford this!

www.oxfordhealth.nhs.uk/ketamine-service/pricing/

Place marking as i am at the end of the line too

I don't think it ever "goes away", but it can be cured in most people and in almost all of those who can't be cured it can be managed. What you have to do though is deal with the issues, be they current in your life, or historical and unresolved.

Medication can work for some people, but it almost always has side effects and in many cases just masks the unresolved issues, it makes the depression more manageable, rather than curing it.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I’ve just looked at that link - not sure if it is for real but I am seriously interested. Do you know anything more about it?

It is absolutely for real.

You are given an infusion under observation. Then you have a sort of mini trip l believe. Someone is always with you.

This stimulates the happy part of the brain.

There’s also some magnetic thing but that’s really expensive.

Ketamine is meant to be good for treatment resistant. The other thing is the MAO type anti depressants. I believe Nardil and Mobeclomide can work where no other one has. You have to be careful what you eat.

Also lithium can be used for depression as can lamactil.

I don’t think you’ve been offered enough alternatives.

I think you need to take the medication, do what you know helps you, and don’t do what makes it worse.
Does it ever go away ? No, I don’t think it does. I think you have hard times and easier times. Hopefully, with medication, you’ll have more easier times.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow do you know if anyone who has tried this?I think I’ll start a new thread - I am really intrigued and an seriously thinking I will try this but it would be great to hear from anyone who has tried it.

No, l don’t know anyone who has tried it.

But there was a programme on it a few months ago. It filmed people who had it and it was transformative. It needs doing every 6 months or so.

It’s new cutting edge treatment.

@Inkdrinker

I've been struggling with my mental health on and off for a long time now. I've tried copious amounts of medication and did DBT (similar to CBT) therapy. The therapy was great. I've stopped trying to kill myself every other week but I still feel so low, all the time. Medication just doesn't really work. Doctors don't know what else to do, psychiatrist just says to take deep breaths and remember tomorrow is a new day and I'm just done.

Is there even a slight chance of me living a normal happy life and not fucking up my kids mental health, like my parents did to mine? Even on my good days where I feel happy, depression is always at the back of my mind, always wondering when I'm going to feel that dark cloud cover me.

I'm tired of fighting and trying, I'm tired of failing everyone. I am angry at myself and at everybody that contributed to how I feel about myself now. I forget that I am 25 years old sometimes and still take on the hate that was given to me when I was a teenager.

If meds were working, then great, I wouldn't have an issue with medication but they dont help. They do nothing and I just want to stop them. I'm no good to anybody like this.

Yes, depression can certainly go away - and I hope you know that it's very common for medication not to work particularly well.

Are you still doing therapy? Do you know that exercise is very beneficial?