How do you tell someone you feel suicidal?

[nostrengthleft]

I don't want to tell anyone. A large part of me thinks it's because they'll take my escape route away.

An abusive person has destroyed my life and isolated me to the point I can't see any other way out. So many people believe so many things about me that aren't true. My confidence is destroyed, I feel like my light has gone out. This isn't the first time I've been through something like this, I attract abusive people, which makes me think there's something innately wrong with me, something pathetic. I hate myself for getting into this situation. I can't go through this again, I can't spend my life having to recover like this. My own useless boundaries are what got me here, it's my own fault.
I thought I was resilient but having lived a life of trauma with no time to steady the ship between events, I've nothing left. I'm drowning. Rather than swim harder like usual, I've given up. It's so out of character, I don't even know who I am anymore.

I've set a date and promised myself I'll wait and see if it gets better, try and claw my way out. I desperately hope it will but logically, I can't see how. I feel like everyone would be better off without me, in fact I don't just feel that way, I know it's true.

I've tried to tell people, I've said I don't want to be here anymore. I started a post here a million times then deleted it. I can't get the words out. If I say it out loud, it'll start a ball rolling. If the person terrorising me found out they will say I'm doing it for attention. I can't win. Every Avenue feels blocked off, I'm trapped in my own forced silence.

I don't want to hurt/disappoint my loved ones by telling them how desperately hopeless and isolated I feel. I feel guilty for not wanting to wake up when so many people with physical illness fight so hard to stay alive. I wish I could give my life to them. The guilt is gnawing away and perpetuating my cycle of despair. I feel so pathetic.

I don't know where to turn.
Even reading this back it sounds so pathetic.

It doesn't sound pathetic at all. You're feeling at rock bottom and can't see the way out right now. I'm not great with advice but didn't want you to think you were alone.

I understand how hard it can be to talk to people in real life. Luckily I've not been suicidal before but I do struggle to talk about my mental health for similar reasons to you.

Would something like the Samaritans work for you? Someone who doesn't know you and is there to be a listening ear? I think they do a text service too which if you're anything like me could be useful?

I second the Samaritans, or your GP. The Samaritans won't cut off anyone's escape. GPs can be so very wise in these circumstances.

You sound like an animal that has been hunted down. I hope so very much that something can improve for you. It is always possible that something can change.

My GP is so lovely that I don't want to disappoint him by telling him I feel like this. I've been so strong up to now, this whole thing is making me feel like such a complete failure. It's not like me, who have I become.

A hunted animal. That's precisely how I feel, like the fox coming towards the end of a hunt. My life is the hunt. The fox is exhausted and his legs feel spent so he has two choices, stop running and turn around or ?

Thank you for replying. I feel so alone.

You won't disappoint your GP, that's what they are there for. You sound like you have a good relationship with them so take advantage and book an appointment to see them today. Show them this thread if you can't find the words

@nostrengthleft

My GP is so lovely that I don't want to disappoint him by telling him I feel like this. I've been so strong up to now, this whole thing is making me feel like such a complete failure. It's not like me, who have I become.

A hunted animal. That's precisely how I feel, like the fox coming towards the end of a hunt. My life is the hunt. The fox is exhausted and his legs feel spent so he has two choices, stop running and turn around or ?

Thank you for replying. I feel so alone.

You wouldn't disappoint your GP, that's what they're there for. To listen to you and try to help you. You don't need to tell anybody else, just one person who can listen and put the wheels in motion to give you the support you so badly need. A lovely GP is a great start.

Could you show them your OP to stop it feeling so difficult to find the words? They can't perform miracles and make you feel better with a click of their fingers but can put you on the right track to building yourself back up to feel like you again? Because right now you're not feeling like you but you're still in there, it'll take time and effort but it's absolutely possible if you'll let just one person help you.

I wish I could give you a hug

You are not alone in feeling like this. You’ve made the first step of coming on here but you need to continue to talk. Whether that be Samaritans, My Black Dog or speaking with your GP.
Please remember we are here for you.

You can tell professionals like your GP, OP. You explain it really rationally, and it's clear that you're not in immediate danger so there's no chance that they'll try to section you. Speaking some of these awful thoughts in real life with someone who is trained not to react "badly" (by shaming you or making you feel guilty, for example) can be really really helpful.

I do get how you feel. I've a background of severe abuse and today needed a visit from the CMHT because I'd written letters to my family, barricaded myself in a room and made preparations to end things before having the strength to call for help. And even then she was happy to leave me after less than an hour. People think that something dreadful will happen if they admit to having these thoughts whereas the truth is that it really doesn't create the waves that you might think.

Please let your GP help you to get back to feeling more stable. You can tackle the rest of your life once your mood has lifted and it will, it will. You just need to take the first step.
Can you email the practice tonight and then call the samaritans?

I was so busy trying to get my point across that I forgot the obvious things I wanted to say
OP I'm so sorry that you feel this way. You are not to blame for your trauma, and there are ways for you to fix the pattens that you've always fallen into. It's just damn hard work and like you I often feel I am just to tired to be able to manage it. But please do ask for help rather than doing anything permanent. On my better days I can see that there might be a future where I'm happy and imagine I'll look back and think how glad I am that I didn't give up.

Your GP will feel disappointed to their core if you needed help and didn’t ask them when you felt like this.

They won’t I understand why, when they built such a great relationship with you that you couldn’t say how you felt.

Please ask them for help - there are so many things they can do that can make you feel better.

One step at a time, but know you are absolutely not alone and have shown great strength in sharing your feelings here ❤️ I think it’s a great idea to show your GP your first post, and then trust them to give you the real life support you need (as we all do from time to time)

Please call the Samaritans if you need to speak to someone urgently

I don’t know if you ever saw that fishing programme with Bob Mortimer and Paul Whitehouse? They were talking about men’s depression and got a doctor on to discuss how to mention it to your GP. He said, how about saying “I’m not feeling myself, I feel very low”.

So I did a version of it. I said I was being bullied at work by my CEO, wasn’t feeling myself, and it was really scaring me. That was all it took - she put her mental health head in, asked me some questions about how I felt, how long had it been, we’re there any triggers etc. The night before I’d been looking up train times to do something desperate with, but that GP saved my life. She put steps in place to help, and I’m not exaggerating when I say she saved my life.

Is there an online local mental health team that you can self refer for? That's what I dud when I reached rock bottom and its helped so much. To the point when I could tell my friend I didn't feel like hurting myself anymore as an achievement forgetting that no one knew I wanted to die.
You are worthy , you have worth and you will be missed. The world will never be a better place without you. My friend lost his life to suicide and I'm constantly reminded I didn't know and help him. It hurts my heart that he didn't ask for help. If you want I can listen to you, you matter to me.

"If you want I can listen to you, you matter to me"
One of the nicest things I've seen written on this website and I've been here for 10 years.

@nostrengthleft you are worthy, things will change, change is a constant in this life, even if it's not immediate

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected] and may find our Domestic Violence information helpful.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Thanks everyone.

@nostrengthleft please believe me when I tell you I love you and cherish you even though I don't know you.

You are a beautiful soul who has every right to be in this world.

Depression anxiety and fear low to you. They make things feel very real and permanent when they're not. I can't tell you things will get better bit I can tell you they will be different. Maybe different enough for them to be bearable.

If you have set a date I would really try to speak to someone tonight. Anyone.

Please, call the Samaritans.

The fact that you wrote this, and that you are thinking of telling people, shows that you do not want to die. Please get help op

I have been there a few times but I am still here. I don't know where you live but there's a wonderful place called The Maytree Respite Centre. They, together with my GP and a counsellor got me through my darkest times. Please look them up and ring them. They're in London but anyone from wherever in the UK can go there.
www.maytree.org.uk/

How are you this evening OP? You write very articulately and from the heart. I feel for you and let me tell you that I found myself at a similar point once and you know what? It was the start of a new and better chapter of my life, although I didn’t appreciate it initially and it didn’t feel great in the early days but life got better surprisingly quickly.

By seeking help on here you have already shifted the energy in a more positive direction, already made the first positive move. Next step is to talk to someone you know in real life.

Sending much love and

Thank you so much everyone.
I'm finding it so difficult to find the words to express myself which again, isn't like me. I definitely don't feel like myself.

I told my partner (we don't live together yet)
I explained everything, we've talked for hours. He's going to help me access support starting tomorrow. He didn't laugh or shame me, no guilt trips or freak outs, just pure concern and understanding. Things feel a little less scary now. The past few weeks have been, by far, the lowest I've ever felt which confuses me, I've been through worse than this and powered through. My resilience ran out.

People expect me to be strong because I have to be, I always have been. Nobody can stay strong forever can they, not with onslaught after onslaught, decade after decade. It wears you down.

Thank you for being here and for not telling me I was being ridiculous. I hate to worry people, I just want to be ok again.

You gave me the courage and reassurance to do something so difficult today. Thank you.

@Theblackdogagain

Is there an online local mental health team that you can self refer for? That's what I dud when I reached rock bottom and its helped so much. To the point when I could tell my friend I didn't feel like hurting myself anymore as an achievement forgetting that no one knew I wanted to die. You are worthy , you have worth and you will be missed. The world will never be a better place without you. My friend lost his life to suicide and I'm constantly reminded I didn't know and help him. It hurts my heart that he didn't ask for help. If you want I can listen to you, you matter to me.

I'm so sorry about your friend

@SweatyBetty20

I don’t know if you ever saw that fishing programme with Bob Mortimer and Paul Whitehouse? They were talking about men’s depression and got a doctor on to discuss how to mention it to your GP. He said, how about saying “I’m not feeling myself, I feel very low”.

So I did a version of it. I said I was being bullied at work by my CEO, wasn’t feeling myself, and it was really scaring me. That was all it took - she put her mental health head in, asked me some questions about how I felt, how long had it been, we’re there any triggers etc. The night before I’d been looking up train times to do something desperate with, but that GP saved my life. She put steps in place to help, and I’m not exaggerating when I say she saved my life.

I did similar the past few days. Not train times but similar.
I'm sorry you've felt this way too.

It's great that you spoke to your DP

Well done. I often find just mouthing the words to someone is enough to help a little bit. Glad your dp was respectful and caring. I did something called 'CAT' counselling which was useful. Also meditations on YouTube can help. Good luck and a virtual hug.