I don't want to tell anyone. A large part of me thinks it's because they'll take my escape route away.
An abusive person has destroyed my life and isolated me to the point I can't see any other way out. So many people believe so many things about me that aren't true. My confidence is destroyed, I feel like my light has gone out. This isn't the first time I've been through something like this, I attract abusive people, which makes me think there's something innately wrong with me, something pathetic. I hate myself for getting into this situation. I can't go through this again, I can't spend my life having to recover like this. My own useless boundaries are what got me here, it's my own fault.
I thought I was resilient but having lived a life of trauma with no time to steady the ship between events, I've nothing left. I'm drowning. Rather than swim harder like usual, I've given up. It's so out of character, I don't even know who I am anymore.
I've set a date and promised myself I'll wait and see if it gets better, try and claw my way out. I desperately hope it will but logically, I can't see how. I feel like everyone would be better off without me, in fact I don't just feel that way, I know it's true.
I've tried to tell people, I've said I don't want to be here anymore. I started a post here a million times then deleted it. I can't get the words out. If I say it out loud, it'll start a ball rolling. If the person terrorising me found out they will say I'm doing it for attention. I can't win. Every Avenue feels blocked off, I'm trapped in my own forced silence.
I don't want to hurt/disappoint my loved ones by telling them how desperately hopeless and isolated I feel. I feel guilty for not wanting to wake up when so many people with physical illness fight so hard to stay alive. I wish I could give my life to them. The guilt is gnawing away and perpetuating my cycle of despair. I feel so pathetic.
I don't know where to turn.
Even reading this back it sounds so pathetic.