On My Own

[MrsMiaWallace]

have been staying away for reasons i earlier explained,
but after 6 months of dp being at home with us(made redundant) he starts working again tomorrow 6 days a week till 6pm every day.
am happy he's working again for his self esteem as much as the money but wondering what ill be like on my own with dd again?
still havent got new ad's as doc still on hol and although no its the best thing we could do, am a little worried.
i know i can do things my way again but its the seperation and loss of adult conversation each day. how will i manage?

[MrsMiaWallace]

had counselling when younger about my childhood problems, have cpn coming monthly and someone from homestart was supposed to come last week but cancelled and has yet to re arrange.

i feel llike i need to shake myself out of it as i used to be such a strong positive person barring a few low moments, but now im just scraping the bottom with few high points.
i love my dd more than life itself and love dp deeply too although because of the way things have been this is strained at minute.

i suppose i should just get a grip.
ive got a beautiful baby girl here, i should feel more lucky.

[mummytummy]

I put on 5 stones with my first pregnancy, and that sent my self-esteem plummetting to the ground. Once one thing gets you, everything seems to start spiralling out of control. I used to go out for long walks every day with the pram, and as the weight started coming off, things seemed to improve. The walks and fresh air also helped clear my head every day.

[MrsMiaWallace]

i actually lost weight when pregnant as was v.sick.
i used to walk all over before we moved as it was local to town, parks etc and was a lovely 'green' place.
since we moved and dp was made redundant, we go everywhere in car, dd crys when she gos in pram now, but am planning on walking more now dp's back at work. have no choice really as failed test last month.
just eat and eat, biscuit after biscuit, i have no control and hate what i look like.

[tammybear]

when i was on ADs, i didnt want to be. i wanted to sort my own problems out on my own, and not need the help (but i am very stubborn and hate accepting help!). I think the only way I managed to get out of how i was, was thinking about my dd. she was my main focus and everything i did was for her. BUT i had to think of myself too. the friends i did have, i went out with to have some time to myself, i did a part time course at college, and did things to keep myself busy.

have you thought of maybe doing something like a part time course or job? it may be helpful towards your self esteem, and is an opportunity to meet new people.

i dont like to talk about my past too much, but i had a lot of problems in my childhood and growing up. everyone in my life has affected me very badly except dp and dd. and i try to tell myself that i must be a very strong person to have gotten through all that, and that is what you are. you're doing ever so well, and you should keep telling yourself good things

also if you're worried about your weight (and really you shouldnt) try not to buy comfort foods when you're shopping that way you're not tempted. it can be depressing putting weight on, but try not to let it get to you. xxx

[mummytummy]

I used to be very slim before having DD1 and could eat whatever I wanted (six bars of choc a day!). Then during pregnancy I ballooned. I never did get all the weight off before falling preg with DD2. You know the best rememdy for that - only befriend larger people!!!!

[MrsMiaWallace]

dont really get the chance to think of myself as(mostly my own doind0 dp doesnt 'do' much with dd as hes never had to, something we're both trying to change, but she going through a long clingy stage and with him going back to work, shell get more used to it just being me and her.
want to do a teaching assistant course, but need experience in schools and cant do that as am on sick, so vicious circle really.
we decide not to buy crap when we go shopping, then the following week we 'reward' ourselves for being 'good' the previous week!no willpower
trying to just eat when hungry now, went to macdonalds when out yesterday as dd was starving(she's been ill and not ate for ages) so we ran in there and i said 'no' when dp asked me if i wanted anything! thats a first! so i was really pleased, still ate crap later, but that was one less crappy thing i had.

[mummytummy]

Hey MrsMW, I've got to get going now. Good luck for tomorrow. Keep us all posted on how its going.

[MrsMiaWallace]

my best friend(who i met at aquanatal) is tall, blond, size 10-12 and v.beautiful(inside and out)feel v.innadequate when with her as she is so confident about motherhood too, but shes a great friend and a lovely person.
other 'bigger' friends where 'funny' when i had dd as the weight fell off me, but they're popping back up now as they've been doing slimming world..funny that!

[MrsMiaWallace]

thankyou mummytummy.

[MrsMiaWallace]

thankyou everyone.
am going to try an get some sleep now, but i really appreciate being able to talk to you tonight.
thankyou

[tammybear]

this could be an idea MMW for when you can afford it. i have been thinking of doing for one of these, but the problem is money. yet they do have payment plans so if money gets better, you could always have a go at it. just a thought

[MrsMiaWallace]

thanyou tammybear, but money wouldnt stretch to that a minute, will keep it in mind incase i win lottery on saturday.
night

[tammybear]

nite xxx

[MrsMiaWallace]

will get back in touch in a few days.
thanks for all your help tonight
x

[MrsMiaWallace]

a quick hello
dp started job on monday ( i had good day out with dd), he came home saying how horrible staff were and how crap company really was(big electrical company in mbro) plus 6 long days a week.
he went back tues and i spent all morning arranging info and interviews for more jobs. he got out for interview during lunch break(didnt get it) and rang me to say he didnt want to go back. as he had been taking his mood out on me, i told him i would rather he be happy and have to be skint a bit longer(he's not getting any benefits).
his mood didnt really change much, as he's now worried about not working again(i think, he doesnt say much, just walks around huffing and puffing).
then, got a cancellation for my driving test again on wednesday and failed again.
felt like shooting myself and when i asked dp if he was dissapointed in me he said yes and went off on one about him getting a job being more important than me taking my test?and he's have to go and get some bits and bobs from shop out of 'his' money as id probably spent mine on chocolates and magazines(bought one bar of choc, for him when he finished work on mon and bought pancakes, milk and bread..still haad most of 'my' money left.
big sigh..
went to doc today, got new ad's and he took 30(!!!) different blood tests(one needle thankfully), to look into why the others didnt work.
still eating like a gannet and woke up this morning to my daughters beautiful face but still wanted to turn the clock back 27 years and not be born.

[mummytummy]

Sorry its still not going well for you. Lets keep our fingers crossed for the new ads, or that they find something constructive they can deal with from the blood tests.

[MrsMiaWallace]

thanks, i hope so too as i cant go on like this, i just dont want to get up then i cant get to sleep. i dont know if im coming or going

[mummytummy]

I know one thing. That daughter of yours is extremely glad you were born, and he may not show it sometimes, but I'm sure dp is too. Hang in there.

[MrsMiaWallace]

sorry, i dont think i can stay on tonight, your kind words have made me teary and i need to hold myself together. thankyou for talking to me mummytummy, your a good 'friend'.x

[mummytummy]

Speak to you next time you're on MMW.

[MrsMiaWallace]

thanks mummytummy.night
x

[tammybear]

hi MMW, sorry i missed u last night, was tucked up in bed at 10 last night as im so tired! dp was round weds and dd has a cold.

im sorry things havent picked up, and dont think your dh is being of much help! glad you saw your doc and good luck with the new ADs. dont fret too much about your driving test. i found (and most people i know have to) that if you go into your test with the attitude that you dont care whether you pass or not, you come out with a pass, but when you go in thinking you'll pass and then become too confident and then cocky, you end up failing.

i hope you feel better soon, and keep thinking about your beautiful dd xxx

[MrsMiaWallace]

hi tammy bear, have posted on other threads about whats happening(something about ad's?)
how are you? any news on the big move/no move?

[tammybear]

hey, im fine, u? dp was here weds for the college open evening. it looks like he only has to go in mon-weds so hes going to be at mine sun eve-weds eve, that way we can be together more than we are now and his parents are happy about the situation. ive seen your other thread, hope your bil can help xxx

[MrsMiaWallace]

thats sounds better, a nice transition! and he might get used to it as well as his parents!so it will end up full time after his course!
im okay still p**d off about test, but ad's are making me numb so feel quite chilled at min!