to forgive him

[namechangeasouting653]

Hi, I am mostly creating this thread as a way to vent, I don't want to speak to friends or family as I feel so ashamed.

TLDR: Found explicit photos and vids of partners ex on family iPad, he says masturbating is different to having sex and he is sorry and will delete them, AIBU to forgive him?

Today I went on the family iPad to find the presentation my partner created for his dads funeral a few years back. I wanted it because it has lots of photos of him as a child so wanted to create an album with our son for his birthday next month.

So I go into the folder and there in 'recents' there are tons of naked photos of his ex from 2017. At first I just broke down as thought they had been sent recently but then when I looked at the info on the files it stated they were created in 2016 and 2017 so seems like they are just old explicit photos and explicit videos of her he has kept.

I looked what folder they were in and they were saved to a folder that looks like an old work file folder - but all that is in the folder is explicit photos and videos of her. Looking at different ones I can see that they have been viewed throughout 2019 (when I was pregnant) and thoughout 2020/21 and up to as recently as the weekend.

I confront him about it and at first he tried making out is isn't a big deal. Eventually after explaining how I feel he has agreed it was wrong and has apologised but accused me of overreacting.

For more info I had a traumatic birth and it has left me with nerve damage and a lot of scars all over my abdomen due to further surgeries. I suffered with PND but went to therapy and was put on meds and I am doing so well now. Started my own business and pay for sons childcare 2 days a week and looked after him the rest of the time. Despite this I ask for sex a couple time a week but he only says yes about one every 5/6 weeks. I asked Fri, Sat and Sun this weekend, he said no on all occasions but can see that fri and Sun evening he viewed these photos so clearly decided to have a bank over her than have sex with me.

I have never had issues with him viewing porn. He says that he views these photos the same way as porn but I don't, he has slept with this woman many, many times before we got back together (they were together when we were on a break instigated by me not him) He has agreed to delete them and says he understand why I am upset and he won't ever do anything like it again.

AIBU to forgive him? I feel so angry that he could disrespect me in this way but I love our family so much and he is an incredible father. We are not married.

It's either forgive him or give up on life completely

@namechangeasouting653

It's either forgive him or give up on life completely

Do you truly think life is not worth living, that there is no joy to be had and nobody who needs you, without this man?

He will treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated.

And by that, I don't mean it's your fault that he's treating you like this. I mean he won't change, so if you put up with it, you will only get more of the same.

And you don't have to.

Is the person you love really him? Does that man exist?

@DrSbaitso

And by that, I don't mean it's your fault that he's treating you like this. I mean he won't change, so if you put up with it, you will only get more of the same.

And you don't have to.

Is the person you love really him? Does that man exist?

I do love him, I am trying to figure out if it's a mistake I can live with. I can't see my life without him as I want our little family forever, I don't want to be a single mum.

I can't see my life without him as I want our little family forever, I don't want to be a single mum.

It's also about what he wants and what he's prepared to do or not do to keep your family together.

If he really is such a brilliant father then he'll still do right by his child even if you did separate, won't he?

Why do you love him OP?

It doesn’t sound like he treats you very nicely.

Don't be someone back up plan 2nd choice 🌸

The more time you waste with this arsehole the more time you don't have with someone who actually respects and cares about you. The longer you're with him the more your confidence and insecurity will dip.

It's disgusting that he's abused his ex's trust and yours, I imagine he hasn't told her what he's done with her photos and if he hasn't or won't delete them I'd be very tempted to contact her to let her know he still has copies. If you delete them then also go into the recently deleted folder and delete them from there too as they can be restored.

It's irresponsible that's he's got them on a family iPad, so many times I've seen threads where men have either shared an AppleID with their children's gadgets and their porn and explicit photos end up being seen by children.

You deserve so so much more. This isn't the first and won't be the last. You might not feel like at the moment and I know it's a big scary thing to imagine not being with him, or that life isn't worth living but you and your child deserve so much more.

I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply to me it really helped me gain clarity. However I am feeling ok about it now so have decided to forgive and hopefully forget.

No way. It would be over for me. She's a real person he knows, for me this is cheating. He doesn't want sex with you but is wanking over her, this is sending a pretty clear message that he doesn't find you as attractive and desirable as her.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who is clearly comparing me to their ex and finding me wanting.

It's offensive and disrespectful and I wouldn't be having it. No second chances, no forgiveness. I don't do second chances when it comes to cheating. I'll forgive a lot but not that.

Maybe he doesn't respect me but I do.

@namechangeasouting653

I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply to me it really helped me gain clarity. However I am feeling ok about it now so have decided to forgive and hopefully forget.

Good luck.

@namechangeasouting653

I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply to me it really helped me gain clarity. However I am feeling ok about it now so have decided to forgive and hopefully forget.

omg