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Original poster

to forgive him

88 replies

namechangeasouting653 · 20/07/2021 18:47

Hi, I am mostly creating this thread as a way to vent, I don't want to speak to friends or family as I feel so ashamed.

TLDR: Found explicit photos and vids of partners ex on family iPad, he says masturbating is different to having sex and he is sorry and will delete them, AIBU to forgive him?

Today I went on the family iPad to find the presentation my partner created for his dads funeral a few years back. I wanted it because it has lots of photos of him as a child so wanted to create an album with our son for his birthday next month.

So I go into the folder and there in 'recents' there are tons of naked photos of his ex from 2017. At first I just broke down as thought they had been sent recently but then when I looked at the info on the files it stated they were created in 2016 and 2017 so seems like they are just old explicit photos and explicit videos of her he has kept.

I looked what folder they were in and they were saved to a folder that looks like an old work file folder - but all that is in the folder is explicit photos and videos of her. Looking at different ones I can see that they have been viewed throughout 2019 (when I was pregnant) and thoughout 2020/21 and up to as recently as the weekend.

I confront him about it and at first he tried making out is isn't a big deal. Eventually after explaining how I feel he has agreed it was wrong and has apologised but accused me of overreacting.

For more info I had a traumatic birth and it has left me with nerve damage and a lot of scars all over my abdomen due to further surgeries. I suffered with PND but went to therapy and was put on meds and I am doing so well now. Started my own business and pay for sons childcare 2 days a week and looked after him the rest of the time. Despite this I ask for sex a couple time a week but he only says yes about one every 5/6 weeks. I asked Fri, Sat and Sun this weekend, he said no on all occasions but can see that fri and Sun evening he viewed these photos so clearly decided to have a bank over her than have sex with me.

I have never had issues with him viewing porn. He says that he views these photos the same way as porn but I don't, he has slept with this woman many, many times before we got back together (they were together when we were on a break instigated by me not him) He has agreed to delete them and says he understand why I am upset and he won't ever do anything like it again.

AIBU to forgive him? I feel so angry that he could disrespect me in this way but I love our family so much and he is an incredible father. We are not married.

OP posts:
wigjuice · 20/07/2021 18:48

Raise your bar or be a doormat, it's your choice!

ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 20/07/2021 18:50

Disrespecting the fuck out of the mother of his child does not make him 'a good father'.

ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff · 20/07/2021 18:51

Never mind an incredible one. Please do not allow yourself to be treated like this.

Blanca87 · 20/07/2021 18:52

Fucking hell. That’s is gross and offensive to you and his ex. I could not get past this. Sending you strength. ❤️

BumBurnerBum · 20/07/2021 18:55

Not good OP. It won't get better.

WorraLiberty · 20/07/2021 18:56

Incredible father indeed 🙄

He's a disrespectful little shit and a manipulative one at that.

He won't be able to hide that from his kids for very long.

RealBecca · 20/07/2021 18:56

Dump the shit out of him. Its disgusting, he is minimising it and how on earyh wpuld you feel if an ex kept stuff like that of you. He is a violator or women.

LostThings · 20/07/2021 18:58

Yuck, that's horrible. How would his ex feel if she knew he still kept those photos of her?

milkytwilight · 20/07/2021 18:59

Of course you'd be unreasonable to forgive him, Jesus stop being a doormat

Waspsarearseholes · 20/07/2021 19:01

He's a filthy pig. If I was his ex I'd feel utterly violated. If I was the mother of his child I wouldn't be able to look at him again. Disgusting.

SameToo · 20/07/2021 19:01

Please god delete the photos! I would be mortified if I was his ex and think keeping explicit photos of someone without their knowledge is perverse!

He has no respect for you.

Fernando072020 · 20/07/2021 19:02

Sorry op, it won't be the last time
Can you really live with that?

Wheretobuy · 20/07/2021 19:02

@wigjuice

Raise your bar or be a doormat, it's your choice!
This.
Hadenoughofthisbullshit · 20/07/2021 19:03

You deserve better, you really do.

YABU

Weirdfan · 20/07/2021 19:05

It would be over for me OP, I could never look at him the same way again and I know it would eat away at me so I couldn't do that to myself. Knowing he was creepy/selfish/disrespectful enough to keep photos/videos he must have known his ex would want deleted would be bad enough but the fact that he'd chosen that over sex with me would make it impossible for me to stay with him. I'm so sorry OP but please believe that you're worth more than being treated like that Flowers

endingintiers · 20/07/2021 19:05

It sounds like he is gas lighting you, refusing to admit it's a problem and then saying you're overreacting. You also say you pay for 2 days childcare and look after your child the other days - does he not pay any childcare? And the fact he got back together with his ex when you were on a break is another red flag for me, especially when he's still fantasizing about her whilst you're together. So I don't think you should stay together, he doesn't sound like he respects and values you.

uktrippin · 20/07/2021 19:07

"he is an incredible father"

No he isn't.

PickleAF · 20/07/2021 19:09

This is horrible for you OP, but also his ex - having her photos used like this years down the line? He clearly has no respect for you or her. Personally id delete them myself (if he's hidden them this long can you trust him to delete them?) then id kick him to the curb. I hope you're okay and know this is 100% him and NOTHING to do with you.

TotorosCatBus · 20/07/2021 19:14

I couldn't have sex with him after that.

Buyitinbamboo · 20/07/2021 19:19

Whether you forgive him or not (I certainly wouldn't!) Please delete the pictures. The thought of my exs keeping and "using" photos like that of me makes me feel sick.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 20/07/2021 19:19

Yes, YABU. If he's a good father then he'll be a good father after you split. He is not a good partner.

EmilyEmmabob · 20/07/2021 19:22

You can't stay with him and retain your dignity and self respect. I think there is a lot more to this, he broke up with you and got back with her for a time? Then got back with you?

Leave him OP, you deserve to be treated with respect. He's a creep, I wonder if his ex knows he has kept those pictures and videos?

Royalbloo · 20/07/2021 19:23

YABNU at all. I'd check his messages if I were you. I have a creepy ex who has kept loads of stuff from when we were together (8yrs ago) and he occasionally texts me to tell me even though I've asked him to delete them and told him I'm not interested. I'd say there could be more to his obsession based on this. There might not be but it's not healthy...

Royalbloo · 20/07/2021 19:24

I wouldn't be looking at pictures of him now, even if I had them. How would your partner feel if you were?

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/07/2021 19:24

"I ask for sex a couple time a week but he only says yes about one every 5/6 weeks. I asked Fri, Sat and Sun this weekend, he said no on all occasions but can see that fri and Sun evening he viewed these photos so clearly decided to have a bank over her than have sex with me."

So, he uses porn to the extent that he's become pretty much impotent?

"I have never had issues with him viewing porn."
I despair every time I hear this. You should have an issue with it, because it is part of why he is such a disrespectful shit. And can't get it up for actual sex.

"I don't want to speak to friends or family as I feel so ashamed."
Why do you feel ashamed? If there is any shame due here, it is all his. I'm asking you to think about this seriously. Why is the shame of his behaviour your burden and not his?

Honestly, yes, you would be unreasonable to forgive him. Forgiving him without there being any change in his behaviour means that he will continue to disrespect you and that will grind you down. Don't do that to yourself.

At the very least, you should be imposing conditions on continuing in this relationship.

  1. Delete those pictures/videos.
  2. Stop using porn.
  3. Go to his GP to have his erectile dysfunction dealt with. It's most probably due to desensitisation through his porn habit, but he still needs to get checked out in case of diabetes, vascular problems etc.

I could forgive a lot of things, but I would not forgive this.