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Original poster

to forgive him

88 replies

namechangeasouting653 · 20/07/2021 18:47

Hi, I am mostly creating this thread as a way to vent, I don't want to speak to friends or family as I feel so ashamed.

TLDR: Found explicit photos and vids of partners ex on family iPad, he says masturbating is different to having sex and he is sorry and will delete them, AIBU to forgive him?

Today I went on the family iPad to find the presentation my partner created for his dads funeral a few years back. I wanted it because it has lots of photos of him as a child so wanted to create an album with our son for his birthday next month.

So I go into the folder and there in 'recents' there are tons of naked photos of his ex from 2017. At first I just broke down as thought they had been sent recently but then when I looked at the info on the files it stated they were created in 2016 and 2017 so seems like they are just old explicit photos and explicit videos of her he has kept.

I looked what folder they were in and they were saved to a folder that looks like an old work file folder - but all that is in the folder is explicit photos and videos of her. Looking at different ones I can see that they have been viewed throughout 2019 (when I was pregnant) and thoughout 2020/21 and up to as recently as the weekend.

I confront him about it and at first he tried making out is isn't a big deal. Eventually after explaining how I feel he has agreed it was wrong and has apologised but accused me of overreacting.

For more info I had a traumatic birth and it has left me with nerve damage and a lot of scars all over my abdomen due to further surgeries. I suffered with PND but went to therapy and was put on meds and I am doing so well now. Started my own business and pay for sons childcare 2 days a week and looked after him the rest of the time. Despite this I ask for sex a couple time a week but he only says yes about one every 5/6 weeks. I asked Fri, Sat and Sun this weekend, he said no on all occasions but can see that fri and Sun evening he viewed these photos so clearly decided to have a bank over her than have sex with me.

I have never had issues with him viewing porn. He says that he views these photos the same way as porn but I don't, he has slept with this woman many, many times before we got back together (they were together when we were on a break instigated by me not him) He has agreed to delete them and says he understand why I am upset and he won't ever do anything like it again.

AIBU to forgive him? I feel so angry that he could disrespect me in this way but I love our family so much and he is an incredible father. We are not married.

OP posts:
nokia3210567 · 20/07/2021 20:28

Damn name change fail ah well 😂😂😂😂

Twocanplay · 20/07/2021 20:29

I wouldn't be happy about this at all.

Neondisco · 20/07/2021 20:32

He's not an incredible father if he makes the mother if his child feel like shit.

CasaBonita · 20/07/2021 20:36

I would be devastated and would not be able to move past this. God what a betrayal.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 20/07/2021 20:55

So he said he wouldnt do it again, you forgave him, and hes done it again and you want to forgive him again because he says he wont do it again? So why would he think he needs to stop doing something he only "feels guilty" about when hes caught when he knows he just needs to say he wont do it again and itll be ok for him? It's your relationship OP, but as you've asked yes YABU to just let him do this again. He should have deleted the pictures when he split up with this woman, he shouldn't need to be asked to do it by a new partner (you're not new now obviously but he shpuldnt have still had them when the relationship had ended), and I agree with you it isnt the same as women who have put images online for all to see, they were presumably sent for him because they were together, and she likely didnt think hed keep them after they stopped dating.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 20/07/2021 20:58

Ah, just seen I've confused the TL/DR for him doing this before.... So ignore that bit of my post. But everything else is the same. I wouldn't forgive him.

MattHancocksSexTape · 20/07/2021 22:04

@nokia3210567 I’ve never seen a last player stat in any exif metadata on an iPad or iPhone.

Sadiecow · 20/07/2021 22:12

He will ruin and destroy your self esteem, he would rather wank over an ex, than have a loving sexual relationship with you.

Can you really live with someone turning you down three days running, whilst wanking over his ex?

P,ease don't let him destroy you.

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 20/07/2021 23:13

Yabu

DrSbaitso · 20/07/2021 23:16

he is an incredible father.

He really is not.

nokia3210567 · 20/07/2021 23:26

[quote MattHancocksSexTape]@nokia3210567 I’ve never seen a last player stat in any exif metadata on an iPad or iPhone.[/quote]
It is on the 'info' on literally every photo

TedHastingsweeDonkey · 20/07/2021 23:47

OP. He was / is (because he won't stop) wanking to his ex's pictures, videos. He is fantasising about her whilst not having sex with you. I mean, what else is there to discuss? The mere fact that you had to explain to him why it's making you feel the way it does is absurd! Why do you want to wait for him to go and physically cheat on you? Don't let I'm treat you like this. If he was an incredible father, he would not be setting this example for his son. Parenting is much more than having a good kick about the football or painting nicely together.

spotcheck · 20/07/2021 23:58

OP
Think of all the steps he took to deceive you with this.

This is not about him looking at pictures on the internet. He is secretive and deceitful not only to you, but to his ex. He is not a good man.

You love your family, but with a dishonest man, it is built on sand.

And he is too f'd up by porn to have a healthy relationship.

Honestly- you deserve more, because every person deserves someone who loves and respects them.
This man is not your prince

Original poster
namechangeasouting653 · 21/07/2021 01:18

I'm in such a low place right now, I was so happy this morning now everything has turned to shit.

  • *[edited by MNHQ for safeguarding reasons] **
OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 21/07/2021 01:22

@namechangeasouting653

I'm in such a low place right now, I was so happy this morning now everything has turned to shit.

Listen....

you have your beautiful kids.. and you have your self respect and your dignity .. you can do this.. you can say No More Bullshit Lies.. and kick him out .. it will hurt and it will take time but please OP.. choose You... 🌸

stonebrambleboy · 21/07/2021 03:02

Please think of your little boy, he needs his mummy.

toocold54 · 21/07/2021 06:42

Do not even give him the satisfaction of being so upset.
I know it’s really hard but you need to be strong and put your foot down and stop letting him walk all over you. You will be proud of yourself once things have calmed down.

MNHQ
MichaelMumsnet · 21/07/2021 08:40

Hi all, we've got some concerns about the content in this thread so we're moving it out of AIBU and over to the mental health section.

KarmaStar · 21/07/2021 09:37

Hi op,
The majority say leave him,do you want to?
You've done so well to get on top of pnd,start your business,have you got the strength to leave him?
If you feel you have,and you want to,then do it.
If you want to but don't feel you can cope alone,can you find support from family and friends?it's very easy to say ltb,another matter when you have small dc after a traumatic birth.
He is so far out of order,so disrespectful,I really hope you gather your energies and make the correct life choices for you.
You can still forgive him and leave him.
Start saving some money quietly and looking to a future that you want.t
Good luck.💐

LostThings · 21/07/2021 09:42

Sorry you are feeling so low OP. Hope you can find some help with this situation IRL. Thinking of you Flowers

hawkehurstgang · 21/07/2021 09:54

You would be unreasonable to forgive him. What next? I doubt it will be happily ever after and loyalty/commitment. He doesn't respect you and would rather masterbate over an ex than sleep with you and you're wanting to stay?!

Original poster
namechangeasouting653 · 21/07/2021 09:55

@KarmaStar

Hi op, The majority say leave him,do you want to? You've done so well to get on top of pnd,start your business,have you got the strength to leave him? If you feel you have,and you want to,then do it. If you want to but don't feel you can cope alone,can you find support from family and friends?it's very easy to say ltb,another matter when you have small dc after a traumatic birth. He is so far out of order,so disrespectful,I really hope you gather your energies and make the correct life choices for you. You can still forgive him and leave him. Start saving some money quietly and looking to a future that you want.t Good luck.💐
Thank you so much for this message it really means a lot for someone to say out loud the strength it would take to leave him on top of everything else xxxx
OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeasouting653 · 21/07/2021 09:56

Thank you for all if your messages. I'm not sure what ti do right now. I took an extra sertraline and a couple of codeine to help me sleep and although feeling groggy this morning I am feeling stronger. Think I need to spend some time processing how I really feel about it all.

OP posts:
stonebrambleboy · 21/07/2021 10:22

I'm so glad you are feeling stronger today x

QueenBee52 · 21/07/2021 12:46

Im glad you got some sleep... 🌸