I hate my life.

[OttilieStonelady]

I'm 30. Came out of an abusive relationship, no money, on 25k a year living in one bedroom with a toddler with a parent I tread on eggshells around. Get £40 child maintenance a week, £950 outgoing a month on childcare. I have no money, can't afford to buy a house, have loans from family court fees so can't even afford to rent. Been told the list for council housing could be years. I feel like I'm constantly worried about money, can't get my son nice things or go anywhere nice. My ex has an order of no contact from the court so I can't ever get a break. I'm starting to feel suicidal and like I'll never get out of this mess. Life is shit basically. It's so shit that I dread getting up in the morning. I'm full of regret and hate myself. I'm on anti depressants and have been waiting 6 months for counselling. I see people on here looking at houses and feel so sad because the bank can only loan me 47k on my income and with my outgoings. Someone please tell me what the point of this life is?

This will not last for ever. Stay strong for your son and keep on keeping on. You've endured so much and you have shown real strength of character leaving your ex.
Stay Strong, circumstances change.

This is a temporary problem- I might not feel like it but it really is. I once lived in a shared house with drug addicts. I had no money. I used to steal a slice of bread from one of the the other tenants so I could have breakfast. I’d then walk to work and or college, walk home and pinch a handful of pasta to have for tea. I spent what little money I had on cheap supermarket vodka so that I could sleep. I had an emotionally abusive partner (I didn’t live with) and really couldn’t see how my life would change. It did. I promise promise promise you things will change. You have to ride out these shit times. Seek help now. Don’t wait 6 months for counselling. Go back to you GP and tell them you have suicidal thoughts. You can self refer for phone counselling. Call Samaritans if you need to. It’s really why the exist . Things will get better ❤️‍🩹

If I tell the GP I have suicidal thoughts I'm scared this will go in favour of my ex as he keeps telling the court I have mental health problems and wants to request my medical records.

OP, this sounds so hard. If there’s a no contact order then the abuse must have been horrendous.

Can your parent have the toddler while you go for a walk? Can you take some time off from work and meet other mums?

Can you contact a family centre and see if there is a support group or charit to help, like Homestart? You sound like you need some connection, and help.

This ^ all sounds trite. I am sure of it. But I couldn’t read and run. I hope today is a bettter day.

@HandyWoman

OP, this sounds so hard. If there’s a no contact order then the abuse must have been horrendous.

Can your parent have the toddler while you go for a walk? Can you take some time off from work and meet other mums?

Can you contact a family centre and see if there is a support group or charit to help, like Homestart? You sound like you need some connection, and help.

This ^ all sounds trite. I am sure of it. But I couldn’t read and run. I hope today is a bettter day.

Thing is I have all of those things, but I feel so small and pathetic that I just can't cope anymore. I would love to date and meet someone but can't because I live with my parent in a house with walls missing. I'm embarrassed to invite people over. I work Mon to Fri and can't really just take time off. Most holidays revolve around when the childminder is off. I just feel so pathetic. I have no joy.

For a start can you look into claiming universal credit? You would get 85% of your childcare costs paid. This should leave you enough to rent somewhat small on your own

Your son has you - playing with and being loved by mum is more important than things. Things can get better, but that's hard to believe when you are so low. You've already done the most important thing for your son - he is safe. There is so much fun you can have without spending money. Reach out again to your GP and health visitor. There are different services appearing offering free online counselling, while you on usual waiting lists - your HV should be able to signpost you and also offer support. You have done so well to have got this far 💐

@worriedandannoyed

For a start can you look into claiming universal credit? You would get 85% of your childcare costs paid. This should leave you enough to rent somewhat small on your own

I do claim universal credit but I only get about £500 a month and if I told you the size and monthly payment of my loan you'd cringe. I had to do it as I was in family court and money worries at the time seemed like nothing compared to the worry of my abusive ex having contact with our child and destroying him.

Google QWELL - free online support.

Op hugs for you this sounds so tough. But as pp said, circumstances changes. These things don't last forever. Your ds will be off to school in just a few years and that will help alot with childcare costs. Go to the gp, tell them how you feel. You have been out of an abusive relationship so well done for that. Do you realise that you have taken that huge step already.

If you have a local domestic abuse service contact them and refer your ark in while waiting for counselling, they can offer you support and a listening ear and may be aware of support and other avenues of help for you.
I am sorry you are feeling so low, you have done amazing for yourself and your child by leaving the relationship and doing everything you can to keep them safe.

Will it get better though? Can you honestly tell me that the housing market is going to improve, rents will come down, salaries will increase significantly, etc? Because they are practical solutions and I honestly feel that no amount of emotional support is going to fix the fuckup that is my life.

Your ex can’t access your medical records. Your GP will HELP YOU! I have confided in my GP about this and I was given help and support. I have my children with me. There was never any question that they would be taken or not be safe with me. Suicidal thoughts/ideation do not make you a bad parent. Health professionals know this x

Can you move out and claim Housing Benefit? Can you speak to someone about reducing the amount you pay to the family courts?

I have three university degrees and so much training in my field but my ex pretty much forced me to move away and start again. I had to take a 10k paycut. The regret of my life is so painful.

My two best friends just had babies with their husbands and are so happy. Live in big houses. Family support. Joint salary. I just feel like a massive screw up.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Can you work towards a promotion at work that will bring more money in?

Hi OP, it will get better. Once your DC is at school your costs will decrease significantly. Then you'll be able to rent your own place or hopefully even buy.

It takes a lot of strength to leave an abusive partner and you will have been running on adrenaline for a long time. Now it probably all feels quite flat and an anticlimax, hence you feeling so down. At this stage friends are more important than thinking of dating again, as honestly it is so common to get sucked into another abusive relationship after leaving one. Can you reconnect with old friends, or make friends with your colleagues?

I thought if there was abuse you could get legal aid? Is there any way you can apply to get your legal /court fees refunded?

£950 in childcare ! How long before your son is entitled to 30 hours a week free ? That will make a massive difference to you.

I feel for you so bloody much. What you're describing sounds hellish. I'm so sorry. Is it at all possible to think that one day the toddler will go to school, and those childcare expenses will go right down? And the loan payments will end? And you might meet someone with whom you can buy a house? I'm by the far the poorest of my friends, and the kids and I live with my mum in a house that needs so much doing it's depressing AF. I ardently hope things get better for you.

One thing that will change is that your childcare bill will go down. One day the loan payments will be gone. Then, you will have a bit more spare so might be in a position to rent/buy. New opportunities may come up at work that are better paying. One day, you will feel ready to date/meet someone.

You mention that you feel like a screw up but from my perspective, getting out of that abusive relationship and saving your son from living in that environment is an incredible success. You have achieved so much for yourself and for him.

Oh op, my heart goes out to you. I promise promise promise you things will
Improve. I have been in a similar situation. I used to go to work and take toilet rolls from the loos and teabags from the canteen,and many a time I had to ring in sick to work as I wouldn't have the bus fee despite searching for hours on my hands and knees under the furniture, in coats etc..I never saw my life changing. I just turned 40. My twenties and early thirties were the most difficult times. I up to my eyes in debt, with no way forward. But, believe me,things did change. Five years isn't a long time,u may think it is but time will fly around. You sit down today with a cup of tea while your toddler is napping or watching tv. You make a five year plan. In five years can you pay off your loans?. Would you like to move city/country? You have so much educational qualifications that you will absolutely be able to secure a good job on good money. These are the early years for your child,all your child wants and needs now is you. Your time and your love. A small child has no wishes to go to 'nice places'. A stroll in the park feeding the birds is as good as a Disneyland trip. Just keep in mind the strong bond you will develop with your child in this time.don't be tempted to take out small loans here and there for Xmas and birthdays, it will all add up, we made that mistake. Your child does not need any expensive presents at this time and is not aware of things that are new or second hand. Shop local charity shops for toys and clothes. Be strong op. You can do this and yes in five years time,you may well
Be in the position to purchase an apartment or house etc.. you may meet the man of your dreams, nobody knows what lies ahead. But the more you get out of the house and do free activities with your child, and the more you are out and about in general,the more chance u have of meeting nee people which I feel would help you also, making new mum friends can be the best strongest feeling for life.
Please stay strong, I totally remember feeling this way, I promise you it changes before you even realise it xx

It might be worth contacting step change or citizens advice regarding the loan. They might be able to find a better way for you to deal with the debt. That might leave you more money to rent your own place. Big hugs, once the childcare bill goes it'll be so much easier x

Yeah no need for your ex to find out. Pleas get help, there's support out there. Things can get better

@douliket

Oh op, my heart goes out to you. I promise promise promise you things will Improve. I have been in a similar situation. I used to go to work and take toilet rolls from the loos and teabags from the canteen,and many a time I had to ring in sick to work as I wouldn't have the bus fee despite searching for hours on my hands and knees under the furniture, in coats etc..I never saw my life changing. I just turned 40. My twenties and early thirties were the most difficult times. I up to my eyes in debt, with no way forward. But, believe me,things did change. Five years isn't a long time,u may think it is but time will fly around. You sit down today with a cup of tea while your toddler is napping or watching tv. You make a five year plan. In five years can you pay off your loans?. Would you like to move city/country? You have so much educational qualifications that you will absolutely be able to secure a good job on good money. These are the early years for your child,all your child wants and needs now is you. Your time and your love. A small child has no wishes to go to 'nice places'. A stroll in the park feeding the birds is as good as a Disneyland trip. Just keep in mind the strong bond you will develop with your child in this time.don't be tempted to take out small loans here and there for Xmas and birthdays, it will all add up, we made that mistake. Your child does not need any expensive presents at this time and is not aware of things that are new or second hand. Shop local charity shops for toys and clothes. Be strong op. You can do this and yes in five years time,you may well Be in the position to purchase an apartment or house etc.. you may meet the man of your dreams, nobody knows what lies ahead. But the more you get out of the house and do free activities with your child, and the more you are out and about in general,the more chance u have of meeting nee people which I feel would help you also, making new mum friends can be the best strongest feeling for life. Please stay strong, I totally remember feeling this way, I promise you it changes before you even realise it xx

Heed this; all good advice. Small steps…