I hate my life.

[OttilieStonelady]

I'm 30. Came out of an abusive relationship, no money, on 25k a year living in one bedroom with a toddler with a parent I tread on eggshells around. Get £40 child maintenance a week, £950 outgoing a month on childcare. I have no money, can't afford to buy a house, have loans from family court fees so can't even afford to rent. Been told the list for council housing could be years. I feel like I'm constantly worried about money, can't get my son nice things or go anywhere nice. My ex has an order of no contact from the court so I can't ever get a break. I'm starting to feel suicidal and like I'll never get out of this mess. Life is shit basically. It's so shit that I dread getting up in the morning. I'm full of regret and hate myself. I'm on anti depressants and have been waiting 6 months for counselling. I see people on here looking at houses and feel so sad because the bank can only loan me 47k on my income and with my outgoings. Someone please tell me what the point of this life is?

where abouts in the country are you and would you consider moving?
I work in the North east and we sell new 3 bed shared ownership houses to people on a salaries from about 15k pa. childcare significantly cheaper there too.

At worst OP you’re in this position for what - 2/3 more years? Even if nothing changes before then (and it likely will) your son will start school and you won’t be paying childcare fees any more. That will make a huge difference to your ability to work and save.

Op, I just want to give you a big hug. Your despair is palpable from your post.

You have done the biggest, most bravest thing and got your child away from that arsehole, something my mum never did and both my sibling and I will carry that trauma around forever. So, despite what you think , you’ve actually accomplished SO much and have already been such an amazing mum to your son.

It really doesn’t seem fair that you’re left with all this debt, have you talked to CAB or similar to see if they could talk to your creditors and get the monthly debt size down a bit?

You don’t say how old your child is, but you should be entitled to 30 hours free childcare once he’s three, that will go along way to sparing you of some of that £950 (which is an enormous amount of money each month, no wonder you’re broke, but it’s not forever)

Are you saving for a deposit or do you have one? Sorry it’s not clear from your OP. In the meantime, whilst you’re waiting on your son to get those 30 free hours of childcare, is it at all possible to rent an annex somewhere? That might not be a tangible suggestion at all and I’m sorry if it isn’t, it’s just round here you can rent a small, self contained annex for about £350 PCM so am not sure if that is viable.

Also, not sure where abouts you are but as another PP suggested, would you consider moving to achieve your goal of the house a bit sooner?

And well done, 3 degrees and what sounds like a good job before you were forced to take a pay cut is an amazing achievement. Please don’t despair, being an educated woman, you are in a better position than a lot of people and you DO have a bright future ahead of you. You WILL meet someone else. There also isn’t anything to stop you from dating if that’s something you wanted to do. A good, kind man would be understandable of your situation and won’t care if he can’t come back to yours!

Childcare won't be forever, hopefully you can regrow your career, the loan presumably will end at some point.

The financial situation is a temporary issue but it sounds shit and I really sympathise with you. 10 years ago I was a single mum in a shitty mouldy flat above a dominoes, with no family support, hating life and having had to drop out of my top 5 uni in which I was excelling due to financial issues. Now I'm married and happy, in a house I would never have dreamt I could own. Things can and will change even if it doesn't feel like it now.

In the meantime I would take things day by day. Try and be outside as much as you can, look after yourself, read books that uplift you, see if you can get some medication from your GP (you're not going to get penalised for anxiety/depression and you don't have to mention suicidal thoughts to get help that might shift things), see if you could start a new free hobby or take an online course when toddler is in bed. Anything to break up the mundanity.

It absolutely does get better. It is temporary.

There are two ways of looking at everything:

1. You need to buy a house and get out but you don’t have the money, which is where your brain is stuck.

But you could reframe that and ask:

1. What can I do to reduce my payments and increase my income?

If you’re paying huge amounts on a loan payment that you can’t afford, I’d suggest using the tool on the step change website to create a budget, a realistic budget, along with all your debts. If you can’t afford to live on your monthly income, something has to give. They can make arrangements with your creditors, it will affect your ability to buy a house, but let’s be honest - how likely do you see that happening now? Or in the next six years? Wouldn’t it be great to make your life simpler, you know what you’ll pay, when you’ll pay it, and how much you have left. Automating your finances and your payments will reduce the amount of decisions and choices you’re faced with and that will improve your outlook.

Speak to people you owe money to, you’d be surprised at what you can reduce a payment to.

Now I do think you need to go to the GP, because you need to tell someone out loud how you’re feeling.

Yes it’s not great for court, but as with everything in family court, they look at are you doing anything about it. It’s not uncommon to take anti depressants, it’s not uncommon to need help, and it’s okay to ask for it.

And lastly, there is so much in this world you can do with your son for free.

Some of my favourite memories are things that cost nothing.

But your mindset is of ‘I can’t afford it’. If you can switch that up, just plan one thing - a walk in the park with the ducks and you eat your sandwiches on a bench instead of at home. Taking him to a play area and pushing him on the swings. I promise you’ll feel better, exercise, fresh air, feeling of escaping the place you live - it’ll help.

Just tiny little things you can do right now, they won’t cost you anything, but they’ll help you feel like you’re moving things along, rather than going round in a loop (which will cause your mind to escalate it).

The roads are paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision. Wrong or right, good or bad, just decide to do one thing today to help you and see where it takes you.

One tiny little step, will spur you into more steps. I promise, it is temporary - you just have to begin. .

I was in a position similar to yours 10 years ago. I lived in one bedroom with my toddler at my parents house, at the time I earned even less than you but saved every penny for a small deposit on a SHARED OWNERSHIP house which I bought in a nice area. You can still purchase a house or a flat with a small income. Please google HOUSING ASSOCIATIONS around your local area , put yourself down on the waiting list - single parents tend to take priority.

It will get better your childcare will go down when they start school you won’t be paying the loan forever. Could you renegotiate the loan payment to make it more affordable

Can you contact stepchange for advice about your debt? I've contacted them before and they're so helpful.

Sorry to hear things are stressful. It must be hard with a kid in that situation.
I’m nearly a decade older than you. I’ve just been made homeless (with a dog) and am house sitting all over the country to have a roof over my head, plus car living in between.
Life is v unfair. You must be fed up- like me- of hearing people bang on about their second homes, 20k garden rooms, how “awful” it is that they’ve “gone without” a holiday for wow…one year. But at least you and your son will have each other throughout life. And there is a lot more help for people with kids- more than us singletons!

Flawed so sorry to hear of your situation I hope things improve for you

You need to use your poor mental
Health which is partly due to your housing situation to your advantage . This should give you high priority for council housing .

So sorry for what you are going through OP. This link may be of use to you

www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/managing-money-and-debt/turn2us-grants-search/

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly